support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

[linspins]

Goodbye old thread. Onwards for us all...

[busierbee]

Bye bye thread number one. You have been a necessary, wholesome and tough little thread for us.
I wonder who will join us on thread 2?
I will be there - hopefully with no more bad news.
Here's to our next chapter....

[bezzyk]

New thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

[brightonbaby]

I created one...I think...new thread here called "support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II"

Link:www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-hav e-chosen-to-terminate-II

[Cantdothisagain]

I agree, Busier. It wasnt meant to be is NOT helpful.

It will happen, sweetheart. I believe it firmly for you. And we will hold your hand.

Time for a new thread, urgently!

[Cantdothisagain]

Hi Brightonbaby, I've namechanged lots of times on here for different reasons. I am not a regular, though, I'm more of a casual flirt using and abusing where I feel the need. Oh and giving support where I can, too. This is my first experience of Mnet addiction though! Oh and as for your friend -I think people just have no idea what to say. Have you thought about when to have your wedding, by the way? Good luck with all of that.

I feel very strongly - and did before now, too - that how we live with the problems our babies have is entirely up to us. And I do know that nobody knows what they would do until they are there living it. For me anonymity I suppose is about protecting myself because I don't want to talk about this (yet, I might eventually) in RL.

Spending, well I am justifying it on the grounds that it's cheaper than the baby I was meant to be having. Feel justified, Bezzy!

Actually I started to imagine I might start baking again earlier. In a pre-DD life I baked at least once a week: flapjacks, cakes, brownies, muffins, whatever. I made DD two birthday cakes and have made cupcakes a couple of times, plus a couple of basic chocolate cakes, but nothing major. Think I might start again. I don't detox, by the way, I just tox. I've never really got the whole detox thing. Anyone who has, any tips?

I am writing this very flippantly. But part of me still wants to fling myself on the ground and yell in raw pain. Better put DD to bed first, though.

[busierbee]

I think sometimes people are so desperate to not say the wrong thing that they... hmm say totally the wrong thing. Brave of him to try and say anything at all.
Even today someone said to me 'you are so brave, bless you' and I wanted to hit them. So I crave empathy (or i think I do) but can not bear sympathy. It somehow disgusts me. I am not brave, I am not blessed.
Same as that phrase 'it was not meant to be'
What is that meant to suggest? Oh I was pregnant, and delighted and my Lovely Man and I felt we deserved a baby, but someone had decreed 'it wasn't meant to be'?
Why exactly?
Who?
Why was it not meant to be?
It was, in fact, VERY MUCH meant to be - thank you very much.
Harumph

[bezzyk]

Thanks BB! I needed that justification! Think will hide them though, at least until the builders have gone. Then again, I think I'm giving them too much credit as they're in the loo far too short a period of time, to actually wash their hands!

You have to love this thread. Not only do we discuss the actual issue at hand, but religion, breastfeeding, moans about the family and friends. And now the latest - good value handsoap!

Love to all, Brightonbaby - I suspect you're somewhere in errr....Wales?

[busierbee]

Hi Bezz - the towel fiend
Can I just say that I had my bathroom done last autumn and my mum bought me the Molton Brown products and I *useP them -yes I do actually use them and the soap lasted about five months. So in fact it is a bargain and cheaper then Imperial Leather if you ask me.
The handcream I do not really bother with? No time for handcream in this house.After both traumas I felt I deserved lovely cosseting things - so would get them - then burst into tears and think I did not deserve them.

But yes dear off to therapy you go. Am i not a perfect advert? Been going for 6 or 7 years and am picture of mentally balanced womanhood.

[brightonbaby]

Yep, am ok thanks

Once I accepted that I can't have any expectations of anyone's reaction in RL to what has happened, I felt better about telling people. Taking out the expectation of sympathy/empathy, there's no disappointment or frustration anymore...and the personal loss and emptiness comes and goes in waves now (albeit strong waves)...any distraction is key for me...that and a nice pint of ale!

Told a good friend this weekend what happened and he said, later on that day, 'so, are you looking forward to knowing what it feels like to be pg?'...wtf??! But, then I remembered about the expectation thing and just said, 'I WAS pg...three and a half months...' but how could he have a concept of pg or what each month means etc...I was the one studying the week by week development obsessively.

oh, and just re-reading msgs, I too would love to meet on a sunny beach in Cornwall someday...or Brighton perhaps...not that that's anywhere near me

[bezzyk]

hello all.

Feel must start therapy. Just spent £100 on towels, and won't even hint at what I paid for the handsoap and lotion. I've been lusting after the Molton Brown for years and now I'm in the midst of having my bathroom ripped out, what better time to splurge? Suspect will only use when we have guests....better not find DH taking it into the shower with him....

My identity is pretty darned obvious to anybody that knows me. I figured that I'm not ashamed of what I've done and if some saddo friend of mine is lurking around here trying to catch me out, then they're no friend of mine anymore.

Hello BB - DDP (due date pal) any progress on 'pi$$ed face'?

[busierbee]

Hello Growing Up - quiet little message from you there?
Are you okay - keep forgetting you are so pregnant now- gosh nearly ten weeks - nearly quarter of the way there. Well done you.

[busierbee]

Oh I know that one. My original thread was called 'pregnant again' and then I was not.
But do not worry about telling where you are - I am in London and have said where I do my shopping and everything. No baddies come to get me yet. But it is important to feel protected I think.
Think you go to my mumsnet or something- Growing Up will know - she is always changing her name.
You okay though Biscuit?

[brightonbaby]

I'm slightly regretting my name on here now...it's pretty obvious where I am and it's another 'b'!! Plus, the baby bit is no longer true now, so I might change...is it easy to change names, does anyone know?

[busierbee]

Hello another lady with lots of 'b's in her name
How are you doing Brightonbiscuitlady?
You are also one of our new girls on the block and need looking after. How is your week going? Are you still resting and being gentle on self?
Hope so.

[brightonbaby]

karate?! wispas??!

Hi everyone, just popping in to say hi.

So happy to hear good news from JumpingJF.

busier, wow you've had a long day! Happy de-stressing tonight...

Hugs to all.

[busierbee]

Of course Cantdo - do you know I had similar trust issues when was first her too. Lins will tell you that I deliberately changed my age by one year in an attempt to hide my real identity. What a nutter - Inspector Cluseau eat your heart out. The rawness means one just could not cope with the attacks and indeed Can'tdo that is why the thread started in the first place. Marj and I both had unwelcome comments on our thread and it affected me horribly whilst I also acknowledged that everyone has an opinion, I just did not need to hear it just then.
But sweetie your baby girl had a fatal conditon - if there were a finger of blame it would not be pointed at you at all. You saved her from suffering. That is a fact.
I however chose to terminate for DS and am, in some eyes, including my own at times, culpable of something morally dodgy.
It is just I like to picture my netty friends is why I asked. But I utterly respect your privacy - indeed. I still feel that may get a letter or a knock from someone who has sussed who I am and will shout me down as some have done online. Should try more to disguise my identity I guess.
You must do whatever it takes to navigate your soul through this murky painful path. It takes time - as you know from your first experience - and i expect this is much more poignant and empty making.
Glad to hear that alongside the Wispa bars you are eating ready meals too. Detox later. Comfort food required now and warm blankets and kind words.
xxxxx

[Cantdothisagain]

PS Yes I think we need a similar name. I would hate someone to come along wanting a fight about termination. Though I defy anyone to tell me I'm selfish or didn't do the best thing for my little girl. I might hit them!

[Cantdothisagain]

Hi everyone

Busier I will always be grateful to you for the way you welcomed me here. I'm still the new girl on the block and I'm certainly the most raw, so thanks for bearing with me in my shell shocked state.

The period - I remember my first one after I lost my last baby. It came 27 days after the termination and it was hellishly heavy. It felt like a punishment, but at the same time it felt like a relief because I was afraid my body might have shut down in protest. See it as your body cleaning itself out ready to nurture, and start anew.

I'm hesitant about saying where I come from, not to you lot but to the random nutters who might come along read this and brand me an evil murderer. Anyway I'm in the north. Probably miles from all of you. Shame as you could drip-feed me tea and understanding. My thread on Pregnancy has been fantastic - I've been in touch with someone whose baby had the same diagnosis as my baby and who made the same decision - and has since had a healthy DD. It all helps.

As for the getting pregnant bit, a glass of wine always helps, IMO.

DD and I have been playing hide and seek all afternoon. Somehow we have both ended up covered in blue pen and chicken noodles. Dh is home now and she is being Daddy's girl. And I am catching up here.

M and S chicken for dinner...

[busierbee]

Becaroo - I remember now so sorry. It is all these people beginning with 'b'. Confusing. And I do remember your health issues too honey. Are you feeling more robust - you do sound it from the tone of your posts and if so am very very pleased indeed for you.
welcome back

[busierbee]

Also - mumsnet once told me when I was panicking about my thread not working (it was my lifeline really truly) that a thread can hold about 1000 posts. OH MY GOD! We are nearly there people.
Would anyone like the title of the new one to be different?
It is important because I think some of you have found it by googling - when desperate trying to find some support. So is important that the words are right - also that we have not had any debate comments here - and would like it to stay so.
Shall we just have the same title but just put no 2? The Return?
Really do not want this one to disappear either but guess we can have a link - and a link within a link - as Lins and I have put links to our original threads in. Feel that if confronted with a diagnosis of chromosomal abnormality or fatal condition it can be so therapeutic to read the experiences of all of these women here - all of us.
Sad but vital words.
hugs
BBx

[becaroo]

Busy...dont worry! You have a lot on your mind!

My story in a nutshell is 2 mc and 2 terminations and 2 dc....I have it much better than some Just need to get a bit healthier and stop moaning!!!!

Conception tip for you: as well as "doing it" around the time of ovulation, sell/give away all your baby stuff and lo and behold you will become pregnant.....trust me - it works!!!!!

Off to karate xxx

[busierbee]

And Cantdo am so sorry to hear about your Grandmother - I hope the hospital treats her with kindess and dignity.
Where are you in the country?
And I did laugh at your Wispa eating! Blimey - who eats Wispas nowadays?
My indulgence is Revels. I like the orange ones.