support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

[becaroo]

"I can't stand the idea that prayer makes good things happen - that would make my life a TOTAL EXAMPLE OF SATAN'S INFLUENCE, I seem to have spent the past ten years walking from one crisis-ridden situation to the next"

Thats me exactly!!!!!...made me chuckle too and chuckles are hard come by these days....so, thanks x

Hope you are ok ladies (or as ok as you can be) xx

[bezzyk]

thank you very much Growingup for your kind advice. It's really good to be able to discuss faith with somebody without them preaching at me. Every time I think about being p'd off with God, I then think about everything I DO have...my health, my families health, a roof over my head, food in the fridge etc etc etc I think, at least I've not just been told that my DH was on that plane that crashed into the Atlantic. But at what point do you have a right to be angry? How come friends of mine that don't have an ounce of faith have worry free pregnancies and perfectly blissful existences?

I'm now feeling completely ungrateful for what I do have.

Why the heck do I think about this so much??!

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

I had to stop b/fing DS (at 13 months) suddenly. He was very ill in hospital and was nil by mouth until they worked out what was making him so sick. Anyway, I understand how it feels. Massage, hot baths and lavender candles. If Tree was here, am sure she would suggest cashmere socks!

My cousin converted to Judiasm when she married her husband, although perhaps this makes light of her faith. I mean, it has to be a deep seated belief. About a week before she had her son, they had to marry as Jews so he could be Orthodox. I was invited to the ceremony, and managed to make a total fool of myself by asking the Rabbi why they didn't, 'go the whole hog and go Hassidic'

Anyway, my cousin, like me, was raised Catholic, and she said she still carries around Catholic guilt, but at least has integrated into the Jewish way of life and now feels guilt about not always keeping kosher, which perhaps is the worst of both worlds!

[busierbee]

Well hello there Becaroo - long time. Are you okay sugar - are you silently reading or have you been absent? How are things?
Hello Ilovemy - how are you doing too?

I am thinking so much of Jellyfish and sending lots of non religious prayers - well non faith denominated ones. I definitely had a quiet word with Him Upstairs in the middle of my crises and was not raised at all to be mildly religious.
On radio 4 today there was a feature on African religions and how a large part of prayer is to one's ancestors. Shall we have a word with ours?

[Cantdothisagain]

Hi everyone

I managed not to see the earlier debate about religion between Bezzy and GrowingUp - have scrolled back and been fascinated. GU, thank you for engaging. Brain too fried/pickled to join in, after a small glass of wine (where did my tolerance go?). Oh and a Wispa slipped down somehow too.

Milk spilling everywhere, that feels like a joke from some unfeeling Divinity. My body thinks it has a baby to nurture. It hasn't caught up to reality.

Busier, so sorry about your period - I think - perhaps it's good as you're back on track...?

In the middle of all this, my grandmother is dying. Very slowly, and with full awareness, in hospital - they don't know what of, really; she is just very old. She has been the most positive source of strength and wisdom throughout my life and she is facing death gracefully on the one hand, but her body has utterly collapsed on the other and she can't control any limb or orifice. That feels wrong, too, so if we're telling God what he needs to sort out, maybe he could make dying a bit more dignified.

For now, though, I'll settle for some sleep. Sweet dreams my friends.

[bezzyk]

oh Cantdo, what an awful lot you have on your plate.

I'm not sure if I have any wise words to say to you, other than that life can be too, too cruel. We're all good people that just don't deserve this heartache. So sorry to hear about your grandmother too. I do hope that she's being treated well.

One thing I am VERY grateful for, are that you guys are here and not just listening to my nonsense but actually sparing your time to respond. Thank you.

[Eulalia]

Need to catch up on the posts properly just skimmed, but wanted to send my sympathy to you Cantdo about your grandmother, gosh you've got so much to deal with at the moment

BB - my son is 3, nearer 4 in fact and am too to admit how long I breastfed the other kids, but I've been doing it non-stop for 10 years! For me its been v lazy parenting, as its the one thing that keeps them quiet!

Will catch up properly tomorrow, need to get to bed x

[Cantdothisagain]

Hi Bezzy

I am immensely grateful for you all too - and for you chatting to me yesterday when I felt all alone. Thank you.

I guess there's nobody here who knows how long it takes milk to subside, since we all breastfed and thus the milk depleted gradually. Lins - you will know from Amy, if you get a chance to let me know. I can't decide if it's horrendous or a fragile bond preserved. Probably both.

I was thinking, I would never have found this sanctuary if Busier hadnt located me elsewhere. We ought to look out for people in this sort of position to invite them here for support. Although obviously it would be a nicer world if we were the only ones living with this!

[bezzyk]

You're very welcome cantdo. I'm really not sure how I would have coped had I not found this thread. Somewhere where it's acceptable to talk about what's happened. For me, it was a big help to realise that I wasn't the only person in the world that had been through this.

You ladies have given me the confidence to think about trying for another one. There's no way I'd have been brave enough to consider another child if I'd been going through this alone.

I'm (thankfully) not feeling so tired today. Had a decent sleep without stirring once, which is a very rare occurrence, as I'm one of those people that wakes a lot.

Am just undecided as what I should do today. DD has a gym class, but have been given a ticket to go to a zoo farm that has loads of big animals too....decisions....

Anyway, cantdo, well done on being so brave and keeping everything together so well.

Heck...DD has got mitts on a tube of toothpaste, I'd better run...

[Cantdothisagain]

Oooh that sounds like a fun day, Bezzy. How old is your DD?

Mine isn't eating today again - she seems to have thrush on her tongue, poor little mite. But apart from the not eating she's a whirlwind of energy. Wish I could emulate it!

[Eulalia]

bezzy, I didn't realise you were so young! Glad to hear you are feeling positive today. I love those zoo farms. Can I come too?

Your poor dd cantodo. My little one seems to have yet another cold, he's been taking antibiotics for a sinus infection but was awake in the night very restless with blocked nose and is still sleeping!

I am cleaning out cupboards... how dull, but necessary.

[becaroo]

Hello busy! and everyone else of course!

I am ok...just been a bad time health wise, so havent been on MN much

Got to have an endoscopy (which makes me shudder) and my bloods arent right, and my kidneys arent right...blah, blah , blah......same old, same old

My ds1 is 6 on saturday!!! 6!!! Need to be on form then as we are having party for 18 5/6 year olds (come to think of it, say a prayer for my on sat, would you???!!!)

Love to all x

[Cantdothisagain]

Hi Becaroo, I think you need more than a prayer, you need a glass of wine! Brave woman, what kind of party is it?

Sorry to hear about your health problems.

And Eulalia - sorry about cupboard cleaning. To be avoided as much as possible!

[Eulalia]

Becaroo - 18 kids!!!! You are brave. Good to hear from you but very sorry that you're poorly. BTW your dh and my youngest son share the same name

Yep been kicking myself in the butt, stop doing the "if onlys" and starting to think ahead, house is in a state and want to get it OK before our hols.

[Cantdothisagain]

Are you going somewhere nice?

[JumpingJellyfish]

Hello ladies

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to post, I have been without internet access since last Weds and been unable to get into work until now.

But... I have the most wonderful news- our little one is not affected by CF (or any testable trisomies)! I literally started to cry with relief the moment my consultant came off the phone. We found out Thursday afternoon. I still keep pinching myself as it feels this time we have been "too" lucky, if you can see what I mean... My consultant just kept saying it was about time we had some positive news but I know so many have been through so much worse...

I feel so incredibly awful in a way for sharing this while Cantdo has been through- is going through- so so much. My heart goes out to you Cantdo, and all the strength and love I can muster. I could so easily have been in your shoes and I realise how incredibly fortunate I have been to have luck on our side this time.

I'm afraid I haven't caught up with the thread much but will post again soon, hope you don't mind me lurking on here awhile?
I am so incredibly grateful for the support you all offered me, it has made this process somehow easier. But I have definitely decided this is the last time we go through this, we will be so lucky to have 3DCs, fingers crossed all goes well, and I have found the past 12 weeks more agonising than I ever imagined.

Next aim is to try to make at least 36wks, don't really want a repeat of DS's birth at 30wks!

Much love to you all xxx

[Cantdothisagain]

YAY!!!! I am so happy for you. What a relief, and now you can enjoy your pregnancy and relax. You deserve it. Have a celebratory glass of Schloer!

It is lovely to have happy news here.

[lindso]

Hi all

I've skim read all weekends posts, and, as usual, am in a mad dash at work - so my thoughts, for what they're worth at the moment are:

Can'tdo - everyone else has said it, but your words and your strength have touched me so much. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you on Friday. Stella will always be your girl, and i wish you well and i wish you peace. xx

JJF - so pleased for you - that's brilliant news!!

BusierBee - I made my LM take ginseng for this pregnancy and my DD's. His grandfather was chinese... Ridiculous I know but you'll do anything won't you?

My LM is from the West Indies and all his family live there. They are very Catholic - particulary his dad - church every day, extremely devout. They're very nice people but they don't even recognise that we're married because we didn't do it in church (we were over there at the time and did a quick civil ceremony - everyone not happy. My wedding was the biggest non event of the year!)

I wasn't brought up with any religion - not even christened and DD hasn't been either/

They don't know I was pregnant last year and terminated and if his Dad knew it would be horrendous - he'd never forgive us. This just makes me incredibly angry that I'm being judged and compounds my views about organised religion. I believe faith can provide comfort and strength in a difficult world but absolutely cannot accept a dictate that is oppressive and takes away individual choice - particularly a woman's choice.

We will never talk about it with any of them (and its a huge family) even though its part of our life, it happened and changed us. If this pregnancy works out I will always feel that I've had three babies.

There's a Sinead O' Conner song - 'each of these, my three babies I will carry with me. For myself, I ask no one else to be mother to these three'

Phew! went off on a tangent there but re-reading my post I'm reminded that someone said I was 'uncompromsing' the other day - think they had a point...

[Eulalia]

JJF - hooray, I am so pleased for you! It's so nice to have some good news here. You kept us all waiting but it was worth it!

Cantdo - we are going down to Dumfries-shire, taking kids a week early off school. I don't think I introduced myself properly - we are in Aberdeenshire, the area is known as the 'Mearns' the author Lewis Grassic Gibbon lived not far from here. I've got 3 kids (2 ds's and dd) and my last pregnancy was an accident but doomed sadly I am well old so don't think there will be any more kids for me, plus too exhausted! ds1 is on the autistic spectrum so he's a lot of work.... anyway how are you feeling today?

lindso - that's sad about your in-laws, family can be dreadful. My mother was awful to me over all of this, telling my parents was my biggest regret.

[bezzyk]

"didn't realise you were so young" nobody has said that to me in a while! Cantdo - DD is 2 years 3 months. She's now fast asleep, exhausted, after looking at all the 'a-mulls' (animals).

JJF - fantastic news! so pleased for you and your family. Hopefully you'll get to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy now.

Becaroo, sorry to hear about your health problems. One problem you didn't mention you had is the one you must have with your mind, for having a party for 18 six year olds! EEEK!

Lindso, hope your bump is growing well?

Everybody else - Hello!

BK x

[Cantdothisagain]

So interesting how we keep talking about religion, faith, whatever.

I feel well old too sometimes. I'm 34... bet you're not really old Eulalia!

Well, DD doesn't have any appetite for real food but is somehow managing to squeeze in junkfood. Must take after her mummy, then.

The zoo sounds fun. We are watching Balamory and then it will be Book Corner when we pile onto the sofa with as many books as possible. I am a book addict and DD is a mini-me of her mummy!

[bezzyk]

Cantdo - if you look at the thread 'saying hello' I think you'll find a lot of people's ages in there......

[becaroo]

jellyfish So very pleased for you! Thats cheered me up!

Bezzyk I know what you mean...I am quite, quite mad!

Got to take ds1 off to Karate soon to be graded for his first belt!! Dont usually go in the evening but he is missing his usual saturday due to the dreaded party!!!!

Sending love to all xx

[busierbee]

Well Jumping Jelly Fish - you have something to jump about now! What fabulous news to share here - it balances out the sorrow and loss and gives hope to us all that joy can spring out when one is least expecting it.
What a busy day it has been for you all here! Blimey - I have been up since 5.30 (again - do I hear violin strings?) and driven to Slough for a day's training.
Had wee sob on way - have felt so touched by your words Can'tdo, Hadtodo. And the arrival of the period, whilst good in that the body is functioning again brought a wave of sadness, emptiness. Texted our Lins and felt better. An ache that represented the ache we all feel.
Bezzy - I do like having you as my 'same dates' person and feel that the rhythmical recovery is shared with you. With all of you. But the rhythms do not coincide (thank goodness) so we can support each other.
Dearest Can'do Shouldn'thavetodo - so so glad I found you lovey. Shall we have a daily patrol of the pregnancy board to rescue our fellows? There was a time when I had a daily 'fix' of the pregnancy thread - I could not keep away. But without my noticing I have gently weaned self off. I saw your thread on the 'today's discussions' or whatever it is called and I put my emergency light on (nee naw nee naw)and got my self over there quick; felt I was performing a benign citizens arrest to bring you over here. I have since read your thread over there Cantdo and am moved by the kindness of the women who have posted. It is no less than you deserve.
The leaking milk must feel like a cruelty in some ways - but maybe can feel like a tribute to Stella's little life? Oh honey - what a sadness really. Can not believe it.
You are hanging in there with such a lack of self pity and pathetic- nesss. If you need to moan and rant and vent self pity it is very much allowed.
Becaroo - I have terrible confession - that cannot remember the details of your story love. I remember you! I know you have suffered and I know it was quite recent but I need a jolt if you can face it. Laptop playing up and can not scroll back easily.
Eulalia - never be ashamed to admit to prolonged breastfeeding! It is a joy to do and a joy to hear about.
So - Lindso - ginseng is the answer is it?
My poor man is feeling nervous as I was quite clear that we had to make the lurve thing every other night for week before and after ovulation. Sooo tedious. If only there were a chore one could get on with whilst it was happening. Knitting maybe? Matching odd socks? Painting toe nails?

Marjie, Marjie, Marjie - we are not giving up on you love. However bad you are feeling - do not feel ashamed of it. We are here. We like you and we know it is just so tough. Can you just send us a little nod or a a wink?
Hugs to all - wish we could all meet up on a sunny day on a beach in Cornwall.
Oh Growing Up - cannot remember if i said how pleased I am that the work issue is resolved.You do not need that when brewing a baby.
Tree Tree Tree - I am wondering how your camper van holiday is my dear?
Off to destress from my day at work.
kisses