support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Hi Busier, please don't feel bad. I don't want to crash into this thread and have everyone just tiptoe around me - I want to share and try to help too. And of course you have bad days and of course you are still somewhat shellshocked by it all. Have you decided to try again, or are you taking recovery time first? (ignore question if too intrusive). I found Sunday dinner difficult today - it was both very familiar and very alienating because everything has changed since the last one. I presume you are bound up in Sunday night syndrome at the moment, and probably everyone else here too.

I am going to have stinky cheese and red wine - I would rather be pregnant still and not be able to have them, but since I can't be, I might as well have the cheese I really craved before [I don't miss alcohol when pregnant, or seafood, but I do miss runny smelly cheeses, after the nauseous phase has passed].

Not sure where to put these photos for now. Quite want to put the large portrait up on the wall near my bed but another part of me thinks I would end up not sleeping and just staring and crying at it... I will work it out.

Anyway Busier, keep writing when you need to, and I'm here to listen. I have so appreciated your support with me...

Hello All

I've been away this weekend at nephew's first communion (fitting as I see we've been having a run in with a catholic priest!) To be honest, I felt very cross while in church this morning. How could this good and kind God do this to us? I felt very emotional, and even shed the odd tear, which was swiftly wiped away. Anyway, it's not about me now.

Can'tdo, You seem to be taking this so bravely, you strong, strong lady. I also buried myself in retail therapy once we lost our little baby. Spoilt DD like crazy, it felt good.

Sorry you're having a bad weekend BB, I've been having similar thoughts to you. Keep thinking that I should have a healthy bump by now.

Lins, hope you're ok, I really do admire how well you're taking these early days of pregnancy. If I ever get there again, I'll really need to get some pointers from you.

Brightonbaby, how are you?

Virtual hug to all, I really need it

BK x

Hi CantDo. Think I said this to someone once, and they felt that it helped them, but when faced with the unusual, do the usual. It helps doing routine things like shopping, although personally I am probably one of the only females who hates shopping. Unless it's book shopping!

Re books: I used to read so much. When I was b/fing DD and DS, it was about a book a week. Now have been on same book for past few months! I love crime fiction. Harlan Coben. Michael Connelly. Tess Gerritsen.

I think there are pills one can get that suppresses milk production? This must be really difficult and a physical reminder. Would the hospital have thought about this or would you need to ask your midwife?

Can'tdo, I am so touched by your bravery and gentleness in handling your situation and am so glad you got to hold your LO's hand and name her too. Stella is a beautiful name and you'll cherish those memories with her forever. Sending you hugs. I'm so glad you're on here and that the messages and words of kindness are here for you in these sad moments.

Busier, this is a place to crap on about your own sorrow and rant and cry, so don't feel bad at all. You are always so ready to give amazingly kind and helpful advice, and write such lovely things, we all need to feel sorry for ourselves sometime...anytime! Plenty of people in RL do, even when there's nothing to feel sorry about...Have another glass of wine and put your feet up! I think I'll join you.

Yes, there are pills you can get to suppress milk production.I don't know whether it would be worth taking anything once the milk has come in, but you could certainly ask your midwife, can'tdo, if you needed to.
I declined after the birth of Amy because I felt like I had already taken so many other drugs...drugs to bring on labour, painkillers, morphine, antibiotics, anti-d. I just wanted to feel free from stuff. And then my boobs were SO sore, but it felt natural/normal.
After Daisy, my milk didn't come in, probably because I wasn't as far on. And weirdly I was a bit disappointed?!
But I think that for most people it doesn't last too long, especially if you are careful not to touch or stimulate them. I was told to wear a close fitting bra, and take painkillers if it got a bit uncomfy...

xx

bezzyk just saw your message and the others. This thread moves quickly! I've been better this weekend as was occupied with visiting friends and shopping as well as indulging in all the things forbidden during pg.

I feel physically strong again now (it's been almost two weeks since the op), so am going to try to get started on some exercise this week. I know it's one of the only things to make me feel better, it's just a huge effort to get going.

Now for a late dinner and then the Apprentice. Then an early night with the 'Book Thief', apparently a good read.

Hugs back to all.

Evening all - and big hello to Bezzy my due date friend,
I think weekends are tough as they give space to feel and think- the daily routine of the week is swapped for something that is so much about family. Can'tdo - please never feel you are taking up valuable space here. You are supremely welcome. The sadness comes in waves -and the different realities compete for space sometimes. The might-have-beens and should-have-been realities are so much more appealing that the one we have.
Bezzy - is so tricky not to feel discombobulated in a church where all is gentle smiles and 'isn't life just great'?

Re your question - are we trying again - I do not mind at all you asking. I seem to be in a veritable menstrual pickle - no proper period yet and it is over two months.
I feel an absolute clear urge to be pregnant.
I feel an absolute terror of being confronted with the choice again and for some inexplicable reason - even though DS is supposedly non - genetic - we have a high chance of having another DS pregnancy.
So do I follow urge A and allow my body to do what it maternally and naturally wants to do?
Or do I make the decision now (which may in the long run be a painful one but less so than terminating a baby) to not get pregnant in order to conserve my emotional health?
Feel will just let myself get pregnant without choosing to, will have another DS pregnancy and will face the decision.

About baby Stella's photo - am trying to imagine where it would feel close to me and private too - am thinking of Lins keeping a muzzy under her pillow. Under the pillow sounds like a safe, warm, mummy place. Near to your heart and head and yet not visually in front of your eyes.
I do not know. It just breaks my heart if I am truthful that you can not have her. Poor girl Can'tdo. There will come a time of peace and acceptance but will take a while. I think you can do whatever feels right - even if others do not understand.
How is your lovely hubby doing?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello to Brighton baby and Bee.
Bee, you can always let off steam here or tell us of your sorrow - this is the place to do it. This is another week over. The sense of loss will not leave us ever but will ebb and flow. "keep your chin up" as my Mum says in a lovely motherly way. xx

Brighton baby, hope you are doing ok. hugs. xx

Glad you feeling stronger Brightonbaby, just remember to take it easy with the exercise though. Your ligaments will still be loose because of the pregnancy, and i think it takes a little while for them to return to normal. There's some definite wisdom in handling the unusual by doing the usual. Sometimes it seems weird carrying on with everyday life when something SO tragic has been flung at you though.

Damn, I'm out of wine

BK x

Hello brightonbaby
You sound like a brighter brightonbaby hun well done.
Two weeks marked a turning point for me but do not feel worried when you sink a bit again. Maybe more of those lovely bisuits? With some of Can'tdo's runny cheese?!!!
Hello Lins - of course will let off here - you know I will. Have always been a 'heart on my sleeve' girl here and can not see it changing. Thank goodness.
How are you doing today Lins?
kisses

Can'tdo, yes was thinking like Bee about Stella's photos. You could put on in your bedside drawer if you have one. She'll be near you when you sleep. Or if you have a tiny pic you could put it in your wallet to be with you wherever you are.
Also you could make a memories box with all the bits and pieces a tiny life still collects. A friend recommended the 'wedding box company' for lovely storage boxes. I have a box for Amy but haven't put Daisy's things away yet, it seems too final. So all her stuff is in a folder in my wardrobe. Except her wrap and bunny...under my pillow!

My sister came round for lunch today with her fiancee. She lives in France and is only here for a while. I didn't see her at all when I was pregnant with Daisy, and we barely talked about it on the phone then as it was too hard. I showed her Daisy's wrap, and bunny. And then I said, 'I would show you her photo's but maybe another time, I think it is too sad for you." It was odd, I was protecting her from the harshness of seeing so tiny a baby. (and it is shocking if you don't know what to expect). She doesn't have children yet. And I haven't found the right time to have a heart to heart with her about how I have felt this year. But I am sad that my own sister, who I have always been close to, does not know what it has been like. But then I wonder if I just don't know how to let her be part of it? Funny stuff, family relationships....
Don't know why I wrote all this. Maybe I just miss my sister and when I do see her now it isn't the same.

Right, better get on with the sunday night madness...

BB - I like your theory on 'getting pregnant without choosing to' I'm a big believer in fate. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

so, are we going to go out and drown our sorrows on 7 Oct? That's if you're not pregnant otherwise it'll be a binge on lime and sodas....

DH has decided that he's not ready to think about trying again yet. Keeps repeating that he's happy with the child we have, 'why would we want another?' Makes me very sad, but I can't bully him into this, he needs to get there on his own. Trouble is, he won't talk about his sadness or grief, it's all bottled up. Keeps repeating, we can afford private schooling if we have just the one. I just can't help but think that DD isn't getting any younger, which means that if we ever have another the gap will be larger than what we wanted originally. I also think that the sooner we have a another (healthy) baby, the sooner this horrible state of limbo will be over, and the worry of 'will this happen again' will be gone forever.

Oh dear, after blurting this out I realise that maybe I'm not in as good a place as I thought.

BK x

My good friend - Caroline - and i talk about how friendships weave in and out over time Lins. I think there are moments when what you are experiencing coincides and can be shared and other times when the events and feelings are too intense and detailed to share in one visit. You will have intimacy again with your sister - maybe when she has a baby herself ( am presuming she does not).

But it is sad. Yes.
I feel sad that can not share it but simply I cannot. Where to start?
Do we relate the day the results of the cvs came?
The pessary moment?
The lost hope?
How you feel when you see a woman with a newborn in a pram?
The time between the test and the result?
The innocent time before the test when things were going to be fine thank you very much?
Is too much to ask.
Is why we are all here.
And why our hubbies and loved ones think we are..you know, a bit potty... but daren't say anything about our obsessive mumsnetting for risk of upset as they can see how helpful it is. Necessary I should say.
Blimey.
Sad old Sundays.

Hi all

I seem to be an addicted poster here. It's like a drug, calling me across.

Brightonbaby, glad you are feeling more positive now. I have to say after I lost my last baby - at 13 weeks - I did feel more positive fairly soon (I know already this time will be different) and I had a lot of energy. I think exercise is a good idea. And the Book Thief is a very recommended book, although it's on my 'to read' list.

Bezzy, I think I'm in the odd position of not believing enough in God to get angry with him, but still appreciating the support of the clergy. Christening would be so hard, though.

Ilove, I agree so much about doing normal stuff, even though it seems so counter-intuitive. I think behaving as though things are okay is one of the tenets of cognitive therapy and it's always been one of the ways I've led my life.

Busier, re the period, mine came back soon after I lost my first baby, but in weird three week cycles with spookily short luteal phases, so I decided to not try until the cycle looked a bit normal again. My consultant said most women don't get a period for 8 weeks after this sort of loss, so you're entirely normal.

About the milk - I am sore now but unless it gets worse I don't want a tablet either. I've had the induction medication, painkillers, diamorphine, anti-D (am rhesus negative like you, Lins, it would seem) and now I just want my body to recover naturally. Also I loved breastfeeding (I never really expected to; I am not a very hippy parent, but I did) and it formed a huge part of my bond with DD. I can't voluntarily stem that now, even if it isn't used.

I am taking my photos up near my bed, thank you for the suggestions. I am scared of squashing one/tipping water on it so might do the chest of drawers thing until I get past that.

This feels so different from last time. Last time I missed being pregnant and a future with a baby. This time I feel I miss my baby, and I know I've lost another part of myself.

Bezzy, I am not sure one ever gets to a truly 'good place' state of mind to start again after loss. It will always be so hard, and even thinking about it can bring up feelings you thought you had dealt with. I think maybe you just eventually let it happen because you just NEED to, and hope for the best.
Goodness knows! Very hard. We will be here to hold your hand though. You girls are doing a grand job wishing nice outcomes for me.
Ok, off to iron..

Can'tdo, I know that you miss your baby so much. And though it really doesn't help much and you really need her in your arms...she will always always be with you, in your heart. (warm glowing heart emoticon). As will Lucia. xxx

Crossposted with Bezzy and BB. Bezzy, I do understand your DH. It is so hard to go back there. I know, I did it, and it didn't work, and now it is even harder. I think you just need to give it a little bit of time and try to think about positive things. It kills me to think I might look back on this time as a totally sad time when I have my gorgeous DD -and trying again IS so fraught. But then not trying again is a limbo too. Hugs to you.

BB, I know what you mean too, and Lins. How does one tell something like this? I feel I'm closing myself down like a whelk because I can't face talking in RL and that isn't good, either.

Sundays are sad, BB is right. Mondays mean getting up and getting on, though, don't they. Not for me - staying home tomorrow - but for all of you. Take care, sweeties.

Bezzy Bezzy - they are so rational and sensible aren't they? Mine also not ready but he recognises how aged we are and he wants me to be okay.
The gap between children can be so varied and still good. My big teenager was nearly five when her little brother came and it was all good for them. She was at school so I could indulge him and she loved mummying him.
Private schools? Pah - my daughter went to a private secondary, she leaving to go to sixth form college now as was not right for her. Boys both going to state schools.
You have some time honey - and am sure you will get there in the end.
October 7th? In my mind if I am pregnant I will be in the middle of a bad outcome. Shall we meet up at St Pancras station and get smashed?
xxxxx

Bee, think my poor Hubbie is quite resigned to my frantic Mumsnetting now. He has been well and truly turfed off, until after I collapse in to bed. Then it's his turn, to play scrabble on Facebook!
Ok, am REALLY off to do ironing now! xx

Welcome to the bad world of mumsnet addiction. We will need a support thread for women addicted to support threads soon.

Welcome to the bad world of mumsnet addiction. We will need a support thread for women addicted to support threads soon.

BB, I truly can't imagine this could happen to you a third time? I suppose if you expect the worst then you can't be disappointed? I think like that too.

As for 7th October, I'll book my train ticket. not sure if I should put a happy or sad face here?

Glad that I have you to share that date with me though

BK xx

Meant to ask - Any of you lovely ladies use Facebook?

That's my other addiction...I've even gone as far as getting an iPhone so I can mumsnet and facebook on the run...

Bezzy - do not need a happy or a sad face babes - we need a pi**ed face surely?
Will contact MNHQ and request one straightaway.
You would think could not happen a third time would you not? Am going to ask the geneticist lady to give me the data re how many women have had three.
Am making LM take Wellman vitamin supplement. You should here the fuss he makes about it. Most amusing.
What more can we do?

BB - good thinking to speak to geneticist. It's funny how the 'statistics' have all been our enemy, yet we still try and seek comfort from them?

What would pi$$ed face look like? Happy singing, dancing on table drunk? Or crying, lying in gutter drunk?

Sad BK xx