support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Hmmm -I sadly very much suspect the latter - but sometimes is the only way. With the due date of first baby I was just very small and quiet on the day. As if I was right back there in the middle of the event.
The following day was wracked with sobs.
But different for us all.
Dearest Can'tdo - I do hope you get some rest tonight my love and I must say it makes absolute sense to me not to supress the milk for your baby. Enough interference in your body and it seems like a tribute to how much you love her.
I am not keen on the phrase 'bless you' but somehow it springs to mind.
Sleep well mummies.

Hi everyone

I guess you're all off to work/doing normal things. Busier, I can't believe it can happen three times either. But then I couldn't believe I could have this happen twice to me (different problem, yes, but still). My due date was 21st October so not too far from your two.

I am hoping that the lack of news from JJF means she didn't feel urgent need to come to work and talk to us, as bad news would have, so fingers very firmly crossed here for JJF.

I put the photos in the drawer next to my bed, but didnt actually look at them before I went off to sleep.

Hope you are all okay. xx

Wow - so many posts! We had a party Saturday, it was good fun, had too much to drink, but you know I was knackered by the end! Am glad its Monday as my kids are just fighting constantly just now and its so much easier with just the wee one at home.

Cantdo - you are doing so well just now but its early days. I am impressed by your strength and courage. I am so glad this forum is helping and just talk, talk away as much as you like.

bezzy - that is so right about the state of limbo. I forget how old you are now but younger than me of course (as everyone is!) but regardless of how much time you have its not a good place to be in, hanging around and all that worry ahead of you with a possible pregnancy... I hope you can bring your dh round. The longing isn't going to go away...

I didn't get much in the way of milk either as wasn't so far on and (shhh) still occasionally feeding ds2 - after the termination it made a sort of connection between my youngest and my poor lost soul.

BB - hope things settle down for you soon, your body just could be upset with it going through much in a short space of time.

The sadness thing though, its weird I felt OK 2 weeks after. We went away for a long weekend and I felt quite normal, I was OK the next few weeks as was being gentle on myself. The first big crash was when I step relative came to stay a few days with their baby (I was OK about the baby, not a newborn) but then she announced she was pregnant, almost the same stage I would have been and yes she was showing. God it was awful as I had to look pleased etc. I am glad though in some ways they did come then as I was still quite raw anyway so it got it out of the way. Now 3 months on its started to seep back, just the whole realisation of what I have done and not really knowing what to do with these feelings. Ah well come on here and blether I suppose....!

JJF - hope to hear from you soon.

Sorry I've not had a chance to talk to everyone properly. Hope you all have a good day. Will check back later. xxxx

Hi Eulalia

I'm 32, going on 75. Or so it feels anyway.

So tired today. Been a hectic weekend, I'm wondering if that's why I'm feeling to bleurgh.

Hi Eulalia and Bezzy,

have realized I am very very tired now, hadnt realized how much until today.

Eulalia, I would still bf DD now if she hadnt self-weaned at 17 months, so no need to ssshhh near me!

Bezzy - if you are tired - could you already be pregnant?

Did anyone else feel as though the real world had vanished, at any point?

Defintely not pregnant. Not sure if you remember my post about a week ago about BOGOF condoms in Tesco! I'm my own worst enemy now!

Silly Bezzy

Understand what you mean about the real world vanishing. I was completely shocked when I realised that everybody elses life had carried on as normal.

Suspect exhaustion is due to late nights and too much wine over the weekend...

Forgot to add, also suspect I would have BFd for years, but got ill when DD was 14 months and had to go on anti biotics, so I gave up then.

I was speaking to a couple of friends at the weekend saying that I breastfed for 14 months and they were absolutely horrified. Don't think there reaction would have been any worse if I'd told them I was a serial killer!

People think it's so weird, don't they! I was still bf when I had the first termination. And the consultants all kept saying 'but she does eat proper solids too, doesn't she, at her age?' as though bf and eating were mutually exclusive.

In true escapist tendency, am now seriously considering getting a roomba having read all the comments on Mnet about them. I am very lazy and a robotic hoover might just help...

Hi cantdo

After i had my termination, I don't think I did any housework for about a fortnight. Had NO energy. DH got quite cross, until I lost it with him one night and then he left me alone about it.

You'll clean when you're ready

Ah but Bezzy I am never one to like housework. I am no lazier than usual at the moment.

Only I am much tireder than usual - and I suppose I have an excuse.

you're a woman after my own heart cantdothisagain!

JJF, are you out there? Thinking about you loads xx

Hi all

I feel really guilty today because I couldn't save my baby. Did anyone else feel that? I know it's irrational and I know I couldn't save her but it's there, in with all the sadness and raw loss.

JJF, we're thinking of you.

Oh and anyone going through horror, I recommend M and S ready meals. I am normally a proper cook but I am living on M and S food this week....

Cantdo, I believe that guilt is a very normal part of the grieving process? or so I've been told.

I'm a big fan of M&S meals, well done on taking it easy. In fact, wish I had a couple in the fridge now, as feel like vegging in front of TV with large glass of wine, not cooking dinner.

Today has been a bit of a blur. Didn't sleep well last night so have been shattered. It's very bizarre that when you're feeling down, it's physically exhausting too. I feel like I've done a mega session at the gym.

marj - are you still reading out there? Hope you got that dr appointment.

BBee - how are you feeling? Care to join me for a virtual glass of red?

Anyway, bathtime for minibez. Hopefully I'll get to that glass of wine in an hours time...

Bk x

Sorry, cross posted with you Growing up. Glad to hear the meeting went well.

Hate to think of you being stressed when you are so good at helping us lot out.

Growing up - so pleased that it went well for you. A big virtual hug from here!

As for the guilt, well, yes it is part of grieving, I think. I didn't have it the same way last time - I didn't have that bond with the lost baby. And now I feel guilty about that too. But I know it's not my fault really, it's just that it's another emotion to juggle.

Know what you mean about tired. I felt I'd plumbed new depths today.

As for the glass of wine, I'll join you after my mini terror goes to bed too. Not sure whether to have chilli and coriander chicken or beef stuffed with spinach and ricotta tonight yet. All made by M and S, obviously.

Hi Growingup, yes it was me that was angry with the Big Guy. I have quite a few friends that are reborn Christians, and they're always banging on about their faith (apparently I'll be going to hell because I'm Catholic, and I haven't been 'saved' even though I prayed and lived as good a life as I could) Anyway, they keep saying that all the wonderful things that happen in their lives are because they prayed about them (even as far as finding a second hand car at a good price). Well, I can't tell you how much I prayed when I first found out I was pregnant. Constantly. The entire time I was having my CVS I prayed the Hail Mary over and over, thinking that Mary would at least understand where I was coming from. And look where that got me. These friends of mine just think I had a miscarriage, otherwise I'm sure they'd have a lot to say if they found out I terminated. As it is, they keep sending me bible readings that they think I'll find inspirational in my state.

Sorry, this rant isn't fitting here, but needed to get it out.

B x

Quick hello as am supposed to be researching the sixties on the internet for eleven year old.
I have confession to make - I breastfed my daughter til she was... three.
I know.
Was a whole thing going on around La Leche League and Three in a Bed and that is how things went.
Will tell more when have researched Freelove and Flower Power.
BB xxxxx

We seem to be bonded by our mutual unwillingness to stop breastfeeding! I would have gone on as long as DD wanted, and she never had a bottle or any formula, but she just decided one night at 17 months that she didn't want any more mummy milk. I was a bit gutted.

Oh and the guilt thing does make sense, thank you, Growing up. I don't have remorse - just a sense of guilt that I think goes with the parenting territory (can anyone be a good enough parent, really?).

All a bit blurred after a glass of vino with dinner (stuffed beef with Portobello mushrooms and Caesar veg).

Yes indeed. Think in my case I was young with my first child, 25 when I had her, very dysfunctional marriage and breastfeeding was a way of avoiding the Husband.
With the second one he was around 18 months and then my youngest only got a year - poor deprived child. Maybe why he is so clingy and mummified still.
Cantdo - dinner sounds delicious! Home cooking so overrated it seems. Good old M and S. Am glad you have been seeking comfort and distraction here today my dear. Well done for hanging in there.
Bezzy - glad you too being Captain Mumsnet too - Tree would be pleased with you and Eulalia you are still here with us.
Bet our Lins is a tired bunny.
I have been up since 5.30 and driven from North London to Aldershot for 8am. Egads. Period came which would account for my wobbliness yesterday (because normally of course am NEVER wobbly. Ha)