support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

Cantdo, what a beautiful and noble account of the birth of your daughter and such a lovely name. So sorry you had so much pain for your loss. Thank you for telling us everything so soon, I hope it helped. Try to eat and get your strength back. Many hugs and talk soon.

xxx

CantDo -- am so touched by the dignity. I have no words, and here is the wrong forum to get at priest, but I share your outrage.

Am so pleased you were treated with kindness and compassion.

take care, and chicken soup is good for the soul (and think it has been proven to be a physical healer)

I feel priviliged to know in such delicate and personal detail about the birth of Stella, Can'tdo. You have been through so much.
Be very gentle on yourself and let the body do its thing. It sounds like you are being well cared for by all concerned - which you deserve.
I wish we could give you a tiny bunch of wild flowers and soup and hugs.
kisses
BB

Hi everyone

Those flowers are lovely, Growingup! Thank you!

Physically I am okay today, keeping food down, even having a glass of wine (how strange that feels, after so long without it - the first sip went to my head). Emotionally I am bearing up too - there is just an overpowering sadness that is like a background to the normality that has reclaimed the foreground in the shape of a clamouring toddler. I remember now why I don't tell people - my parents in law rang, trying to be supportive, but they just don't get it; they say things like 'be patient and things will work out for you' as though we are being petulant toddlers ourselves. I semi forced my parents to get it by pushing our memory book of Stella onto them (photos are coming tomorrow with the midwife) and talking about her birth. I can't imagine I will ever forget her face and holding her hand, and on the other hand it terrifies me that I could forget it. But that seems too difficult to say to people in real life.

As for the Catholic priest, well, I've been thinking about that and the whole sanctity of life thing, and yes, I do understand that he may have been following a procedure, but surely, surely, a humane person would push to one side the circumstances of a baby's death and offer solace. It comforts me to learn from the midwife that the woman did succeed in finding a priest to bury her baby so it can't be a universal Catholic reaction, can it?

So. Here I am, about to curl up in bed. I feel bereft tonight, because I can't have my baby. But I am wrapping up myself and my tummy pains with a novel and a hot lavender cushion.

I hope you all are doing well. xx

Can'tdothis, that was a lovely message you wrote describing the arrival of Stella (I love that name.)
Sorry that the morphine had such a horrid effect, I think it did that to me too first time round.
But I am so glad you held her tiny hand and that the staff wrapped her up in something pretty.
It's odd isn't it that it seems so important to get them blessed, but it is a significant part too. I am not religious either but we asked the midwife to call the 'on-call chaplain', who came out for us late on a sunday night. She said such nice things and her blessing of Daisy meant a lot to me.
I have heard so many negative stories from women who were treated badly or un-kindly, but it sounds like your hospital tried their best to make an impossible situation as bearable and caring as possible. And this makes such a big difference to the memories and the whole grieving process.

I hope the lavender hottie and the novel are comforting you, and that your body is beginning to recover a little from the sickness.
Your hormones will be all over the place for a while, so take it easy and let everyone look after you.

If you want to talk cremation services, I'm here..
The ladies at ARC have good ideas for it too.

Big hugs to you, and a special little thought for your Stella.
I'll 'ask' my Daisy and Amy to look out for her and Lucia. xxx
Lins

CantDo - could your parents in law meant to have said, "time is a healer, and while you will never forget that Stella is your 2nd daughter, the grief you are feeling will get easier. We wish we could do something to help, but don't know what to do/say to you, but wanted you to know that we are thinking of you and Stella...'

Ah, I've just realized who growingup has been in the past! Busted!

My grandfather, who was very Catholic had a great line when people used religion as an excuse, he'd say, 'well, glad we don't share the same god...'

Cant: What are you reading? Just ordered a ton of books from Borders. My aunt very kindly sends regular packages of clothes and beautiful books from the US for the kids, so I thought I would send her some British books.

Dearest Cantdo -what everyone here is trying to say is I guess all coming from the heart. You have had to give birth to a beautiful baby girl that you cannot hold and care for and it is hard.
I think the older generation just are not as in tune to the world of expressing feelings and the death of a child is an enormous taboo. I know my LM's mother lost a baby at term - yet practically runs from the room if I mention her son, my loved one's, broken heart at not being a dad. Yet I am sure she loves him.
Loss and pain are so very private.
So glad you have found us and that we can offer words that may offer some comfort and may alleviate the loneliness.
Lins - your words are lovely.
I too am horrified at the lack of humanity expressed by that priest - it beggars belief in fact. That must be an exception and let's hope that the hospital concerned has reflected on it and learnt.
Growing up - no one could ever accuse you of not showing compassion.
Sleep well one and all.
BEE

Good morning everyone.

I am sitting here with the photograph of my little girl in front of me crying my heart and soul out. DH has taken DD out and the midwife has been with the photographs and all the forms for the cremation. I feel as though part of me has died with my baby.

I do understand that people want to help. I am presumably as guilty as everyone else of trite platitudes at the wrong time trying to help people. Except that my job has a strong pastoral element and I am used to intruding into other people's sadness.

As for the C of E reaction to what happened to us - the chaplain was utterly lovely. He didnt just say he was sorry, he said it was unbelievable and unfair and cruel, and he treated our baby as someone special.

I wish I could show you these photographs. She has a little snub nose and her head is turned exactly as DD's was when she was born.

I thought I was managing this very well. Not at all sure I am now. But I do know I have to try.

Oh and Lins - thank you for saying that Amy and Daisy will look out for my little angels. They can all take care of each other. xx

Hugs hugs hugs to can'tdo. You cry away, honey. There's no point holding such sadness inside, it needs to come out.
I can imagine how absolutely lovely she is. I am so very sorry.
I expect you are managing as well as well as anyone could. It's such a difficult time and you just need to do whatever you can to get through each hour, each day.
I found that life went on 'normally' when my Dd was around, but as soon as I had time on my own, that's when I had time to think, to be 'me' and immerse myself in the sadness. And time like this is important I think, as otherwise you don't have personal space to think and grieve in.

Little bit at a time...

More hugs, Lins xx

Thanks Lins. DD came home and things returned to normal (exactly as you describe). How are you feeling? is it difficult to be pregnant again, or is it a happy feeling? don't answer if you don't want to.

Ilovemydog, I am reading mostly trashy novels at the mo. I have pretty eclectic taste in books and choose them to reflect what I need - in a while it will be reflection again, for now it's just escape. I love books - do you?

Hope everyone else is doing okay xx

Can'tdo, I am feeling pretty rough today! Had been feeling just dead tired up til now...but the 7 week mark usually means the beginning of some very grim times physically, urgh. Dizzy, headachey(without the pain?) sicky, and genarally anti-social!!
Mentally I really don't know how I feel. One part of me is merrily planning away, as you do, what it will be like to be preg in winter, give birth in jan and imagining the next...ooh, 20 years? There is a tiny bit of happy feeling.
Another part of me is really not even thinking this could work. I almost expect to get to the 12 week scan and someone say, 'oh, this doesn't look right, think we should do more tests'...etc and the whole horrid thing will be deja vue.
I am not really nervous, because it doesn't feel like this could be true, and could actually result in a lovely healthy baby. hey ho.
Take care.

HELLO to everyone!
xx

Something funny, I have been convinced that I am a year older than I am recently! It said on all my maternity notes for Daisy '37.. (at Due date)' and I kept forgetting and thinking I was 37 already. Now I realise that I am still a spring chicken - for a couple more weeks anyway, until I really am 37. Hee hee! Baby brain srtikes again.

that should be 'strikes again'. Goodness, now i can't even type.

Oh Can'tdo, but I think the crying and sobbing and disbelief and horror and sadness is coping. It is understandable and necessary and heart breaking and you must be allowed to fall apart.
I can not really identify totally since both my terminations were surgical - but the grief and loss and emptiness and lack of justice and why me - that I can totally empathise with. Yet it seems there is also a beauty and precious tiny tiny moment that you have shared with Stella - you are hanging onto her. Love - I just feel such sadness for you. You have held her and named her and have a photograph to cherish - and that must be such a delicate, beautiful memory.
Such a rocky road - I cried every day for two weeks, and then every other day and then twice a week. And now? Mostly when I read the dignified and sorrowful stories here.
We are here for you whenever and for whatever emotion needs to be put into words. You write very honestly and movingly and it is a privilige to be able to offer even a morsel of comfort.
Kisses
Bee

Lovely Linsy Pins
Sweetie - you are pregnant and allowed to spell every single word wrong if you wish!
I am hoping the sickness is not as all consuming this time for you.
And I am hoping that in five weeks time we can open a bottle of virtual champagne and toast your healthy pregnancy.
love you friend
Busier Bee

Just checking in... Lins, I do know exactly what you mean. I felt like that with this pregnancy after the last one and I will feel even more like it if I manage to get pregnant again. I hope the rough days pass fast and the 12 week scan comes up quickly and is a good experience.

Growingup, how old are your two DSs? I meant to ask after you told us about DS2's words - I like a context to imagine people in.

Well, been shopping and got DD two new pairs of shoes and some DVDs. And sneaked a hot chocolate and pastry in Costa Coffee.

Busier, thank you for your words. You are really kind. As for the surgical termination, I was offered that option last time, but didn't take it because last time we needed a postmortem to find out what the problem was. But to be honest I don't think the medical management changed how I felt as it was early and my baby looked so small and not really human yet - I felt so different this time, as though I had lost a real person, because she looked so real and she felt like my baby. Last time I could part-forget. And the second time there is both a stronger reality about it and a stronger disbelief (you probably know what I mean).

I think milk is coming in now - I have all the signs and that is poignant, too - I breastfed DD for ages, and I missed that when she self-weaned, and now I will have milk and no baby. I half wondered if I should express it and donate it, but that way might madness lie.

OK, time to sort out food for Little Missy. Hugs to all of you. xx

Hello Can'tdo and well done for entering into the real world for a while by facing shopping with a wee one. I was remembering today how, after the second termination (how I loathe that word) - and an afternoon of sobbing and ranting and raving - my LM and I went out for dinner. Which seems insane now I look back at it. But somehow I absolutely had to be pushed kicking and screaming into the harsh reality of not being pregnant, not having a baby, not not not.
It is a shocking and cruel state you are in. The body all still pregnant, or having birthed and no baby to nurture. Thank goodness for your dearest daughter.

Yes I know what you mean by it being both infinitely real and utterly un- real. You sadly know that it is a possibility that a pregnancy ends thus, you pray it won't be; it is.
Innocence and trust in the natural order of things all squiffy. Faith will be restored when dear Lins has her healthy baby - and other healthy babies are born here on our thread.
Is possible I am ranting as have made Sunday lunch - all aided along by two glasses of red wine which I am somewhat regretting as have a Sunday night house to organise.
Cuppa tea required.
Am feeling sad today as should have baby of 5 weeks, or be five months pregnant with second baby and it all feels just too too sad for words.
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxx

In fact have got a true case of the miseries if I am perfectly honest. I am feeling utterly sorry for self and lost.

Can'tdo - feeling bad now as this is your weekend my love and have crapped on about my own sorrow. So sorry - I have you so much in my mind.
Tis the wine talking!
When have had a nicecupoftea all will be more in perspective.
Hope you are resting and being hugged and comforted by your lovely family.
Sending courage and softness to you.
BB x