support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

[busierbee]

Hello
Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

for can'tdothisgain. xx

Oh Cantdo. What a day.
Hold on tight to your husband
kisses

Cantdo - such a dreadfully sad day for you. I wish I could be there, just to sit for you a bit and try to make it easier. I am not very good at writing comforting things but just to let you know I will be thinking of you today. I hope you get back home soon for your dd. Hear from you soon. xxx

back later, I am running late...

Hi. Raced through the last messages - at work and don't have much time.

Cantdo - just to add that i know today will be very hard but you will get through it. I'm so sorry for your loss - what else can i say.

lins - your story made me cry again, you are amazing to be here, coping, getting up each day, looking after your daughter and supporting others on this thread. early pregnancy is so knackering isn't it. I'm now 16 weeks and erm...it hasn't got any better.

brightonbaby - sorry too for your loss. i had a termination at 13 weeks last year and basically went numb for quite a long time - it was almost like i wouldn't allow myself to feel anything cos it was too much. we all have different ways of dealing with it, and who we tell. wish you strength over the next few weeks.xx

Cantdothisagain thinking of you very much today.

I'm taking your advice and finding comfort in the small things. Went out last night with some good friends and had a little too much to drink...indulging in the forbidden things is helpful.

JumpingJellyfish, thinking of you too today.

Thank you for all your kind messages everyone. It has really helped being here.
busierbee, you've got a lovely man there.
linspins, was so sad to read your story. Thank you everyone for sharing. There really is no place in RL to share these feelings in quite this way.
Still catching up with this thread...will check back in later.

Hello BrightonBaby
Well done you have got through another day - I think Cantdo's advice was excellent. Just little things that help you get through. Tooty magazines, a WHOLE bar of Green and Black's chocolate, long long baths, afternoon naps and obsessional mumsnetting is the way forward. And crying in the arms of your man.
Weather here in London frankly diabolical- is it very wrong to think about putting the heating on in June?
Stay warm and safe wherever you are ( although I suspect that where you are is.. Brighton)

Hi, popping back to say welcome BrightonBaby and very sorry to hear about your loss. Good to hear you were able to enjoy time with your friends.

Flappy, sorry to hear about your baby

Been a bit weepy this morning, don't know if its the weather (cold here too busierbee)... the sadness here and my own too. I was driving home with tears down my face. However went to pick up ds2 from Playgroup. He ran up to me, arms outstretched and said "I wuv you Mummy" so that could hardly fail to cheer me up!

BB - afternoon naps?!! Now that would be nice...

xxx

Ohsorry Eulalia - you won't be getting any!
But poor old Brightonbaby I was thinking of.
Are you having enough time off work BB the Second? I think at least two weeks is perfectly acceptable - not sure what the other working mums think. Although I had more since both mine were either side of school holidays. I truly did not feel able to face work for a month - but my job is very full on and there is no where to hide.
Hope the greyness not too overwhelming for you all.
Eulalia - we have talked here about this before - what is it about driving that can bring on weeping? Did you have the radio on? Was it a heartfelt song that set you off?
There is much heartache here today.

It is Can'tdo and JJF's day and also Brightonbaby as she is so recently here.

Take care all of you.

Jumpingjellyfish hope everything is okay for you and you can join the Dec 09 thread again. I am due to get my butt back over there as have had a good nuchal scan this week and been seen by foetal maternal specialist and everything is looking good to go.

Fingers crossed for you.
Love CM

Sorry for hijack

So sorry for your losses on here ladies you are very strong.

Hello All

Sorry I haven't written for a while, there's been so much sadness here, and I find it very hard trying to find something supportive or inspirational to write.

Brightonbaby, sorry you've had to join us, but also glad you've found the board. Your story is very similar to my own. I have, however, began to tell more and more of my friends. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I want to remind people that I'm still suffering? I'm a bit weird like that. I do also find telling people quite therapeutic in a strange sense, I think it's because everyone is SO understanding. Virtually everybody I know said they'd have done the same thing which was quite comforting, as then I stopped feeling like such a monster. (I terminated for Down's so I also suffered with the guilt knowing that the baby could more than likely have survived and lived a life) Even the people that wouldn't have terminated still said that they understood and think that what I did was brave and for the best of our DD.

Anyway, it's not about me now, it's about our new board members.

JJF, thinking of you and crossing everything.

Flappy, so sorry for your loss, but completely understand your relief at not having to choose.

Linspins, your post was so gentle and kind, I admire your bravery so much. Glad you felt brave enough to collect the ashes too. How are you feeling otherwise, hope you're not too sicky and not stressing too much about the weeks to come.

Cantdothisagain, I hope today went as well as can be expected. Be good to yourself, and follow all the lovely tips that you've already been given. We'll be here when you're ready to talk again.

BusierBee - how are you? You're always giving such good advice, but I feel that things are still stormy for you on the inside? Hope that we're able to help you, should you need it?

Tree, should you check in while you're away (as I'm sure you will!) Hope you're having a good time and that the sun is shining for you.

Growingup, I hope your own issues are sorting themselves out? I hate to think of you being in a bad place as you've been so good to all of us.

Eulalia, Lindso, Ilovemydog and anybody else a big hello and hope you're well. Just realised I have another west country buddy Ilove, while i was reading an earlier post of yours.

BK xxxx

PS forgot to say. You were right BB, my friend had her appointment at the FMC and after waiting for quite a while, she got to go in for her scan, and as you predicted they increased her odds to what would be normal for her age, so she decided against the CVS. So she asked me to thank you VERY much for recommending the FMC.

Bezzy - so pleased that the FMC came up trumps. They are fabulous and it makes me so cross that not everyone gets such detailed and correct care. The triple test just not is accurate at all.
I am okay.
I wish I had had a positive outcome when I went to FMC. You know.
Little tear for self now allowed. First one for self in ages.
Am off tonight to Suffolk to see Paul Weller in concert - me and masses of balding middle aged old Mods. What could be better. And is outside. God oh god. I must love my own middle aged man very much methinks to be dragged there.
Speak soon and glad you are back.

oh the waiting. no news from JJF?

Bee, have a lovely time tonight!! Wrap up warm....
how's things? xx

Hi bezzy, you sound a fairly upbeat today, I'am feeling better now, trying to tidy up as got folk coming tomorrow.

BB - no the radio wasn't on. I actually felt weepy walking round the streets, I just felt 'safe' inside the car to let it out... and its often the only place I get to think. Apart from when the kids are in it and its hell cos they fight like mad!

I can't believe boys and their willies! ds2 has just managed to somehow pee into half a packet of wipes!

Back later to check if news from JJF.

All the best to you again Can'tdo this again. xxx

Enjoy yourself tonight BB, it's amazing what we do for our loved ones isn't it?! I can't tell you the number of stuffy work functions I was dragged along to, back in the days before DD, now I have a perfect excuse!

I no longer have to go to fancy dos and get horribly drunk to make them the tiniest bit bearable!

Have a great time BB, am v as spending my evening tidying my very messy house for a party tomorrow.

Oh boys and their willies! My eleven year old's has just started to... wait for it..grow!
OH MY. Is most distressing.
Linsy Pinsy - am hoping you may text me with some good news re JJF.
And Growing Up, my daughter has just phoned to say her RS exam went very well - all about issues like life,death, drugs etc. Religious studies has changed since my day I can tell you. Is more like a mums net thread! Tee Hee.

Jumpingjellyfish, I am hoping that we have not heard from you because you computer is broken, or because you haven't heard anything...
We are all here if you need us honey though. xxx

I've just remembered, JJF only has the internet at work and was off Thursday and today.

Here's hoping that she's out celebrating xxx

fingers crossed. xxx

Hi all,

I am back. Baby Stella (means star, hence choice) was born at 6.50 pm yesterday, tiny and utterly beautiful and looking like my DD, other than that her head was squashed due to the lack of amniotic fluid. Everyone was incredibly supportive yesterday, as opposed to the last time when they weren't, really. Last time was on the gynae ward and a couple of the nurses seemed unaware of why we were going through it. This time we had our own room on the delivery suite, at the end, with an ensuite and a futon that could pull out next to my bed for DH. And they were very, very kind.

It took a while for it to kick off. Eventually the pain began at around 1.30 and then got bad around 3 so I asked for gas and air. I managed with that till about 4.45 when I cracked, just couldnt stand it. Ridiculously I hadn't thought about the physical pain of labour beforehand and I was exhausted and so sad. I took diamorphine having wanted not to, and it did help, because I slept and when I woke it was pretty much time to push. Stella was born all in one - inside her membrane sac and with placenta still entirely intact with her. She was 350g. We sat and cuddled her for ages - she had perfect little fingers. I kept being sick and was very dizzy, so DH held her mainly and I lay and held her hand. They wrapped her in a beautiful broderie anglaise angel suit and the chaplain came and we had a blessing. I think I said somewhere before that I am not very religious but I really appreciated this. (Incidentally, the midwife told me that the previous woman to go through similar had been Catholic, and she had asked for the Catholic chaplain, and he 'hadnt felt able' to come due to the circumstances. Which made me angry and grateful to the C of E). We had a few more hours with her till I left hospital just after midnight and came home. And since we got to see the chaplain we could plan the crematorium service, which will be next week or the week after as we have refused postmortems etc.

So... overall it was very very sad, much much harder than last time and yet much better done too. We have finger and footprints and the photographer was coming this morning to take pictures of her. And the midwife who looked after us was absolutely amazing - strong and warm and really kind.

DD managed, by the way, and was happy with my parents and didn't cry for me, but she punished me this morning by refusing me a cuddle and slapping me instead! I seem to be forgiven by now.

I need to think about eating something - I threw up around eight times during yesterday and ate nothing. The community midwife is coming round later to check on me, though I'm physically fine other than the vomiting thing. I think that was my body expelling the shock.

JJF, hope you are okay.

Thank you all again. I will be back later. xx

not sure what to say either, cantdothisagain

Yr message is incredibly moving and heartbreaking. Am very very sorry for your loss. Glad you felt well supported and treated yesterday.

Hope you continue to receive such kindness and care in these difficult times afterwards