to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

Get out get out get out. From someone who knows.

You don't deserve this.

You are right- he IS an abusive turd.
You're best off away from him. He'll wear you down to the point where you think black is white and vice versa.

We tend to think of abuse as physical only, but mental abuse is equally as destructive.

no,this is not normal. you need to leave him. you cant go on with someone like this can you?

YANBU. I think he is bullying you and abusing you. You need to talk to someone (marriage guidance?) and get support. If your husband won't talk about it or see anyone about it, you need to do something before it destroys you - it will not do your baby any good to stay in this environment.

Sorry but you know he's a bad 'un. I haven't even read it all. No one who really loved you would: make you give up your qualifications, make you give up your job, then constantly undermine you.

My DH and I row (occasionally). He teases me, sometimes. But he supports me in my career, interests, encouraged me to train to be a teacher, which has made everyone's life chaotic. Similarily I supported him through his MBA, and the activities he does.

How exactly is it great when its great? Is it just relief? Or is it because for him to smiles is so rare it makes you feel valued? Is all your value in what he thinks?

What do you honestly think you should do? (Women's aid can help.)

Get out now and don't look back. This is how you feel after 4 years together and not even living together all that time - just look on another 25 years and what do you see? Yes, he is abusive and you do know that. How do you think he is going to be when your baby has a mind of his/her own? Do you want that kind of a life for your child?

I am a christian and believe in trying to make marriages work wherever possible, just so you know that I am not someone who cries 'leave him' to everyone who is having a relationship difficulty. But men like your H don't change. He is deliberately messing with your head and he is making a conscious decision to control you - how can you move on from that? You can't. Please take care of yourself before he starts thumping you too, or before you are so down trodden that you don't even realise how miserable your life has become.

I def don't think your over reacting, he sounds horrible, why are you staying when you seem so unhappy?

I am not married, but have been in a relationship for over 6 years and we live together, my dp would never speak to me like that, from what you have written it seems like you husband has no respect for you.

I think you need to leave him, nothing is positive about what you wrote about him.

He needs to change, or you need to leave, when he apologise its means nothing because nothing is changing, it sounds like he is full of empty promises, he is letting you down and your child down.

Womens Aid. He is abusing you, this is NOT normal bickering.

You shake when he starts.
That is enough to tell you that you are living in fear.

You don't have to stay, there are lots of options.

Have a hug as well. you deserve much better for you and your son. x x

I agree, he does sound abusive.

He is belittling you, making you dependent on him, bullying you and keeping you from the support of your family to keep you 'needing' him.

Lots of advice from better informed people than me, but I would start making plans for leaving.

wow, agree with others. you need to leave now. this is abuse. please leave with your DD.

You must leave him, he's abusive and controlling. This will be the example set for your son if you don't leave him.

What you describe does not sound like normal bickering. It also does not sound like difficulty adjusting to a new baby.

Although obviously it is difficult to judge a relationship from a post from one side, it does sound as though your partner has worked quite hard to isolate you from family and friends and make you wholly dependant on him.

He also sounds very controlling.

Has the abuse been physical as well as verbal?

What do you think he would do if you stood up and said 'now woah, wait a minute, you are being totally unfair and out of order'?

If you think his reaction would be a violent one then I think you should get out of the situation.

Get out. Today.

Hi there.
I could ha e written this.
So familiar.
Only difference is that mine never apologised.
Please consider leaving him.
My whole sorry story is to be found on this section titled something like ' to think I am going to struggle with this?'.
My heart goes out to you and your baby.
Keep posting. People on MN are getting me through the mess I am in.
X

Call your Mum, pack your bags, take what you need from the bank account and go.

Wait until he just leaves for work and then leave to give you maximum distance before he realises.

YANBU - this is not normal marriage bickering, no way. You are living in fear, isolated, it sounds horrific.

The part about him apologising when he thinks you are asleep is frankly worrying - there seems to be some mental health issues going on here - and please don't take that a reason to think you have to put up with him.

You say you moved abroad for him, what country are you in now?

Wow. Banana, I'm worried for you and your DC . This doesn't sound like a healthy 2 way relationship. From what you've said, (i hope you don't think i'm being alarmist) i think he is emotionally abusing you. Please look at the NHS website... I've pasted some here-

If you are not sure if what you are experiencing is domestic violence, consider some of the questions below.
Do you feel afraid?
Do you feel dominated or controlled?
Do you feel isolated?
Do you change your behaviour to avoid triggering an attack?
Do you question your own opinion and judgement?
Domestic violence often stems from the desire of the abuser (the person carrying out the domestic violence) to control you. If you no longer feel that you are in control of your own life, because of the actions of somebody else, this could be domestic violence.

i think he ticks lots of these boxes, Banana.

i'm so tempted to say 'leave him before this becomes acceptable to you, and normal for your DC'.

you could consider Relate- so he could maybe unserdstnd the impact he has??

good luck. stay strong . keep your head up. your family will support you. you need to change this for yourself and your child. you sound like a strong, articulate, clever and insightful woman. i think you'd be better off without him and his control.

please leave him. And soon before you become one of those women who wastes a lifetime with an abusive man when she could have so much more.

Sadly there are many many posters who will be able to advise you on abuse. Stay on here.

I am also very against the 'just leave him' brigade and think marriage should be worked at but clearly he is abusive and no-one should have to live like this so it sounds like you need to leave him for your dc and for yourself.

I don't know what those who have been in this situation would say but HAVE you tried other tactics with him ie standing up to him, gaining some power and balance? What would he say if you suggested Relate, said you are desperately unhappy and thinking of leaving?

ie is there anything OP can do before she decides to flee?

If my partner called me a 'stupid cow', he would be apologizing for it very, very sincerely for a very, very long time. It is not ok.

And why are you the one doing all the cleaning etc.? You have a small child, he sounds as if he's not even pulling his weight.

what rubbish am i spouting about Relate?! i was trying not to be too full on but i agree... pack your bags and get out.

I think you know you have to leave for your babys sake , I know alot of people will tell you to try with him but I sincerely don't think he'll change.sorry you're going through this.

Thanyou for your quick replies. I'm in tears reading them because I know you are all right. I keep thinking, because I can see what he is doing, I won't be crushed by it. But it is crushing me.

Whoever asked, why are the great times great. You are right, it's only great because I am reliefed he is happy. Makes me so sad to realise that is exactly what it is. You have hit the nail on the head.

If I left, I would have NOTHING and nowhere to go. People would never understand as noone knows what he is like with me.

I've often wondered what would happen if I pushed him too far. He tells me though, that he will never leave me and jokingly says if I ever left he would kill me. He has never been physically abusive.

I have never had support for anything from him. Unless it's something that is more for his benefit in the long run. He talks ne out of doing things and I really lack confidence. I am booked on a breastfeeding peer supporter course for august (local health board paying) but I haven't told him cos I know he won't 'let' me do it. Sorry, I'm rambling again

No you are not over reacting.His behaviour is so unacceptable.Believe me as i have had the experience.He is a control freak and HE wants you to feel like a down trodden housewife and to believe you are over reacting because then he can control you even more.How dare he ask you to explain yourself? I really feel for you and you really have to face this.Dont lose who you are and what you can be because of this man.
There should be give and take in any relationship but you seem to do all the giving and he does all the taking.I know you are delicate right now,but your fragile state is a direct result of being in this unhappy rshp which without knowing the full situation seems to be your husband's fault.
You are a strong woman made weaker by this man.I am not telling you what to do because that is YOUR decision,but I have been in controlling rshps before and I stayed in them for too long.They damaged me emotionally and when I got out of them I was so angry with myself for giving them chance after chance until I realised a lot of times this was due to my low self esteem.This allows for someone to control another person .You should definitely speak to someone confidetially.Your fragile state won't benefit your son and do you want him to grow up believing that how your husband treats you is normal?I had all the apologies too,but never did they acknowledge that they had a problem and that it neede sorted,so the apologies were totally uesless.
Sorry for going on a bit but when I hear of situations like yours,it tends to make me angry! You deserve more but the more he damages your self esteem,the less you will believe this. I hope you feel better soon and ny thoughts and prayers are with you.