to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

it all sounds positive - at least he knows you won't be walked all over.

i would still advise you to set up a secret bank account (at a different bank to any existing accounts - if yours and his names are on any joint account, all linked accounts ban be seen from that account)
and i would also advise you to carry all your important documents with you in your handbag at all times. (just in case)
and probably best to keep a change of clothes and a washbag (and nappies and baby sutff) in your car in case you need to make a quick getaway.

good luck with it all, please keep posting any time you are worried.

Good luck to you BananaMush

But a note of caution - please do be very wary and take note of what AF and Dittany say about 'honeymoon periods' as I experienced just this.

Good luck BananaMush, but keep your guard up.

Be aware of "stealth abuse"

For instance he tells you he is ill every time you have a plan, keep a diary.

Start leading a normal life, see how he copes.

The happiest day of my life was when I was nine and my sister finally threw my father out because of his latest affair. She was 13. Then we had fish and chips for dinner (something we were never allowed) and cried in disbelief that we didn't have to do the washing up immediately. My mum had been with him 25 years. He'd abused her so that she could not leave him. I obsessively read threads like this to try and work out how she could stay with him so long and expose me, my brother and sister to such emotional and physical abuse, and to watch her being treated so badly. I love her and feel so sad for her. She still loves the bastard. Despite the terrible effect he continues to have on her, the three of us children and our family over 20 years later. I wish I could go back in time and ask her to get out and be loved properly when my brother was 6 months. I spent most of my childhood feeling guilty that my existance was keeping them together. Most of my childhood in fear, in shame, desperately sad, lonely, unloved by my abusive father and with a mother that was unable to love and protect me because she had had all the love ground out if her. It was a house of fear and sadness. And the depression, addictions and sadnesses of the three of us as adults I can trace to what we learnt as children in the marriage. Please don't let your son grow up like that. Give him one chance if you must, butno more after that

Diggers - what a powerful post, and a reminder of the significance a mother's protection. I'm sorry your mother didn't protect you as she should have done.

Digggers, what a sad post

I too lived through something like that, and it is why my tolerance for abuse within a relationship is very, very low

And why, when I see it, I always call it

Diggers, your post should be framed or kept as one of the most important MN posts ever.

Truly moving.

I feel a bit shy now

Just had to try and articulate something after Reading the whole thread and seeing that the OP had given her husband another chance.

I lose track of all the chances my mother gave my father, all the excuses she made for him, all the tiny battles she won that made the bigger picture fade.

I wish she'd left him when she was young and still strong when my brother was 6 months. Before je wore her down to nothing so that now she can't trust Anyone or be hugged by anyone. Before he belittled and beat my brother. Before he made my sister the kind of woman who throws up after every meal and flinches if anyone accidently touches her. Before I was born really.

Exactly the same shit happened to my mum, diggers.

I really hope all is as rosy as OP painted it and he's a reformed man who will cherish and love her like she deserves. Perhaps she'll be the first person I've ever heard of to turn around an abusive spouse. Cold hard experience tells me otherwise though

Please don't be afraid to come back to MN and the Relationships board when he starts up at you again BananaMush. We're always here for you.

GET OUT!!!

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS AND YOU CAN STILL ACHIEVE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON'T LET HIM CONTROL YOU ANY LONGER.

YOU MATTER...YOUR CHILD WILL SUFFER FROM LIVING WITH THIS ABUSE AND SEEING YOU UNHAPPY SO GET OUT NOW BEFORE IT AFFECTS YOU.

YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF....

So sorry dizie, love to you and yours. So sorry that so many go through this .

One of the saddest things was when my mum visited after my first child was born, and at 430pm started getting twitchy and tidying up toys, saying I should tidy up before my dp came home so he wouldn't be angry. So conditioned she is that that is what men are like.

And the look of sadness, disbelief and happiness on her face when she sees him hold my hand, or bath my son, treat her with love and respect or anything else normal breaks my heart.

I know it can take time bananamush, just make sure it doesn't take all your son's childhood and all your love. And yes, don't be afraid to come back if you need to. Don't be too ashamed to admit that your perfectly sane desire to love and trust your husband has been abused. Don't get ground down xx

diggers.

Excellent post.

Anyone who thinks it's important to stay in a dreadful relationship for the sake of the children should read that post.

"....should tidy up before my dp came home so he wouldn't be angry...."

The day my DS said this, anticipating the return of his father, was the day I knew it had to end. Banana -- don't wait for your DC to do the same.

Can you speak to a domestic violence advisor look them up..or the police domestic violence dept. All will be able to advise you but not judge you. it does sound like dv as many others have said. When u leave a bad relationship you often leave behind a life too but in time you will get things back and re build your life. you may even be able to make him leave. the longer u stay with him the more he will make you feel you can't leave if you do nothing else please ring one of the many agencies all there to help and advise you. Good luck

I commend your courage, you say you weren't scared to talk to him but I think that perhaps any 'hard' talk like that requires courage.

I think that some advice here about having a plan B backup plan would be very sensible and maybe you could see it as empowering. I'm not sure about this, you may feel it may undermine your attempt to make your marriage work but I hope not. I hope that you would be able to see it as a way of taking control and giving yourself choices.

Good luck with whatever happens. Many hugs.

And you really have to ask yourself what is he getting out of being with someone like you, a cow, a bitch, scum, an immature baby, who comes from scum....

If you were any of those things, and he didn't like it, he would not have you in his life.

Banana -- a man like this needs someone to insult. He does not need a loving wife, a loving mother to his child. He does not need a relationship that works, a normal, nice relationship like the one you have in mind anyway.

What he has in this relationship is working perfectly well for him, and all his needs are fulfilled. His needs are simple -- someone he can denigrate and insult and mistreat, and someone to cook for him and do laundry for him and have sex with him. He needs things exactly as they are. He enjoys doing what he is doing, and he is getting his needs met by it, or otherwise he would not be doing it.

Abusers use words as weapons. They don't mean any of it as such, they are just after the thing that will bend you to their will.

That's how they make you cry, that's how they make you take responsibility for their own outbursts, and that's also (most recently for you Banana) how they make you stay

"He asked that we keep him grounded" so if he does "regress" it will be your fault, right?

look, enjoy the few days (weeks) of a better relationship - but he WILL revert to type.

and just DONT go to relate with him - he will put on an act for them and turn it round to your fault - ust like the dishes and everything else. if you want counselling go on your own....

keep an eye... sort out your personal documents, passports, stash some cash aside if you can. "just in case".

read lundy bancroft why does he do that.

you've talked and told him - he is an adult - if he doesnt take on board what you said you need to leave...

Agree with C'est La Vie - do read Lundy Bancroft's book, 'Why does he do that?' It's the one book that's recommended time and time again on here.

Here's the link. it only costs £6.98:
here

I'm sorry, I don't think I had taken on board all that you had said about the way your DH treats you. I agree with the others, why does he want to be with you if he thinks you are so awful? You should ask him.

My DH is actually not like this. I thought we had similar situations but I was wrong.

I don't think this man will change and as time goes on it will be harder and harder for you to leave as your confidence will be ground down. Like diggers, I grew up with a dad who sounds like your DH. I wish my mother had had the courage to leave him. Instead she allowed herself and me and my siblings to suffer years and years of emotional verbal and psychological assaults and abuse and I now have nothing to do with her as I cannot forgive her for being so weak. Please don't put yourself in her position. You and your DC both deserve so much better.

Call women's aid. And/or could the friend you have confided in help you leave? Could you stay with her for a while? Your H is not going to change. My dad didn't change in 40 years. He just got worse. Please, please, please adjust your mind to leaving him and start planning how to do it.

Others have said this before but it bears repeating: this business about you "policing" his behaviour is indicative of a clever, manipulative person.
So presumably if he gets mad and calls you names again it will NOW somehow be YOUR fault for not controlling him better?!

OP, the guy you're married to probably DOES fall into the category of abusive personality, but to me he is just a big f*ing bully.

Even IF he never hits you, even if he turns out to be an excellent dad, even if he behaves well for a little while, he WON'T change forever.
He likes having someone to look down on, to feel superior to, to call names- and you are that person.
Don't be someone who in 30 years thinks, "Oh well, those mners were wrong, he has never hit me and turned out to be a good dad. Now better make sure the cupboards are tidy because I don't want him to have a moan at me".
What I am trying to say here is that
at BEST (wish I could put this word "BEST"in neon lights here) you will be a timid, unconfident woman who didn't achieve her potential.
Do you really want this?

Use this "Honeymoon" period wisely, start (if possible) squirrelling away money and have an eye on where important documents are.

Oh hell. Poor OP. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Is your (D)H from a religious background or from one of those countries where men typically run the whole show? It sure sounds like it. These fellas, full of machismo and exotic good looks can be exciting for a fling but once you get hooked up with them...

This is for sure the classic, textbook abusive behaviour which ultimately, I'm terribly sorry to say, leads to DV.

Get out, get out, please get the hell out. Any way you can.

BTW I am a bloke. Not a woman automatically taking your side. This guy's a bad egg and it is only gonna get worse I'm sorry.