to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

I promise you they won't push you into leaving. They are there to support you whether you leave or not. You could arrange to see a floating support worker if you like. She will meet with you in a cafe or where ever you choose and talk things through with you. It feels so good to have a real life person, who understands what you are going through on your side. You won't be judged or forced to do anything you don't want to do but you will be reassured that YOU are not at fault and are not to blame for what is happening to you.

Everything you say about how you feel makes perfect sense. I felt like that myself. It's very hard to actually believe that a man who is supposed to love you is abusing you, it's also very hard to believe it is happening to you.

This type of man is very obstructive to learning to drive. I used up all my savings on driving lessons, but my x wouldn't put me on to the insurance of his car, which was always regarded 100% as his! I took the test a couple of times and always failed it. The instructor said to me that it was pointless to keep taking lessons but never have any practise. I remember being really embarrassed because I knew the driving instructor was thinking 'weird set up'. But my x just wouldn't budge on this. There was no way would get me a smaller cheaper to insure car, and there was no way he was going to add me to the insurance of his boywanker car (which actually had a fin I kid you not.

My X expected me to not work, not drive, not socialise, not complain, keep his house like a four star hotel. Every meal had to be delicious or he'd be really critical. But I had to keep costs down. I had to serve him. I had to sacrifice everything for him, and I couldn't complain. My deepest distress didn't move him. It irritated him. And he wonders why I left. Seriously, he does wonder. he can't understand it at all.

Yes sweetheart, they will just listen and they will be gentle with you, you have nothing to worry about You do have a lot to gain though xx

Jaybird37 - he can be pretty verbally abusive to his dad and younger sister. His family just seem to think it's just him. He has a temper and they kind of think, poor him, must be stressed about work etc. I don't know if they think he talks to me like that though.

I often wonder if his dad was like that when they were kids. Seems to be a running joke in their family that their dad was a bit of a tyrant

banana, don't me scared, they'll let you take things at your own pace. Just ring them when you get the chance though. Can you ring on the home phone now? Can you phone simultaneously looking out the window so that you see if he's coming home?

"My X expected me to not work, not drive, not socialise, not complain, keep his house like a four star hotel. Every meal had to be delicious or he'd be really critical. But I had to keep costs down. I had to serve him. I had to sacrifice everything for him, and I couldn't complain. My deepest distress didn't move him. It irritated him. And he wonders why I left. Seriously, he does wonder. he can't understand it at all."

OMG valium I think we had the same man!! Mine was exactly the same!! Narcissist springs to mind. I could already drive when I met him though but if ever I dared to go out he would check the mileage on the car and want to know exactly where I had been. I had to answer the phone when he rang to or he would ring and ring until I did and then want to know why I hadn't answered in the first place. He once turned up with one of those blue tooth things that you put in your ear because I didn't answer my phone while I was driving. Gosh, I'm exhausted just thinking about all the things he used to do.

Where in the country are you BananaMush?

Banana, I agree with Dittanys post re not talking to him but observe instead. This will put you in control rather than him.

Yes, total narcissist. Referring back to what you said earlier, I am interested in this now as a subject if that doesn't sound too coldly detached. I would be interested in that book and I'll look it up on Amazon. I can't believe I haven't read Lundy Bancroft's book yet. I will though. I have learned an incredible amount from Mumsnet though tbh. People like GettingEasier, Mathanxiety, UnlikelyAmazon, TheRealMe, AnnieGetYourGun and all the others who shared their insights on the NPD thread (numbers one and two!).

at the blue tooth thing! My x put a key logger on the pc before I left, so that he in fact read and then deleted the thread I started up. But it was too late, I'd already taken on board people's perspective and advice. I'd had my wake up and smell the coffee moment and he couldn't undo that.

Phew, it's so great to have it well in the past. Well, three years, but it is 'comfortably' behind me now.

You need to get out. As soon as you can. I know that's easier said than done - but you need to go. It will get worse. What dittany said is right - it's not violent but it is a precursor to violence - the swearing and callng you names will make it easier for him to be violent. He's cut you off from you friends and family and controlled everything you've done since for a reason.

Please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 - freephone 24 hour number - won't show up on your phone bill.

I agree with Dittany and TimeForMe. There is no point talking. He won't suddenly have a lightbulb moment and see your point of view. He won't suddenly be prepared to compromise. He might try to fool you into believing that he will meet you in the middle at some undetermined time in the future, if you jump through some equally vague hoops. But he won't change and he won't be sorry. All you'll do is give him a headsup that he needs to up his game (in terms of watching you like a hawk)

it doesn't show up on the phone bill!?

That's great. I didn't know that.

It doesn't sound coldly detached at all Valium, I'm interested in it as a subject too, it's fascinating and scary at the same time when you realise exactly what you have been involved with. Google 'stealth narcissist'. I spent the whole time nodding my head in agreement with everything I read.

The link I gave to Getting Past Your Past has a good post on codependency which hit home a bit.

Dittany, I have spent many hours wondering the same thing myself. There seems to be so many abusive relationships which all follow the same pattern. These men seem identical in their behaviours. But so do we partners.

I agree. My NPD x kept us going through over 10 months at mediation once I had said that was it (mediator was fooled and I felt I had to go along with it - being "reasonable"). He even stayed in the house (in my name) for FOUR months after the divorce was final (and had been there throughout, attempting to enlist the DC (11 and 9) as his support).

As soon as you start talking he will get defensive. He will blame you. This will only put even more doubt in your head and make you work harder to prove to him that it isn't you. You will start to doubt your own mind. Don't give him the chance to do that. You are sure of your own mind to start a thread on here, you know something isn't right, just continue to believe yourself.

It has been an emotional day banana.

Take a breath before you raise anything with him. In fact, I would second Dittany - take a week.

Call Women's Aid.

Valium I can also recommend Power and Control Why Charming Men Make Dangerous Lovers, if you haven't already read it.

I hope you are ok Banana xx

Banana - I have just read your thread and some of the responses given here. If I can say one thing, it is this: listen to these women here, they are speaking sense. Many, sadly, have first-hand experience of abuse, in all it's forms and they know what they are talking about.

I also have never been called a cow, stupid, thick or ignorant by my husband ... and he is certainly not frightened of speaking his mind! He has always been supportive of my goals, aims and even my dreams. He has worked hard whilst I have worked to achieve them. He is decent and kind. That is normal, Banana. I am not trying to make you feel worse but it is important that you know that what you are living is not the norm ... there are men out there that do not need to dominate and abuse their partner to make them feel more of a man.

Your situation is not normal, Banana, and I think you probably had an inkling that it wasn't. Many, even most, women do not live this way.

Your partner IS abusive. He is controlling, manipulative, cowardly, aggressive ... I could go on all night. You and your DS should not have to live with this fear. If you do not think you are worth the effort to leave, then think of your DS - isn't he worth the effort? Isn't it better that he learn life lesson that will impact him positively? I know you do and I know you value yourself more than he is trying to make you believe you are worth.

Please, please, please Banana, leave. Do not talk to him about it - he has had enough time to work out that this is not normal behaviour but he still continues. Do not give him an inkling about what you are doing - it will only give him a chance to act first.

Take what you need from your bank account/s, pack your clothes and your DS's, take what you need to take but get out.

I think you will be surprised by the support you do get. Your family have never stopped loving you and your friends will return once they know you have come back.

Think more of yourself than he has tried to make you believe you are. You are worth so much more that you think you are. You are strong and you will get through this ... in time...and with help. Call WA, call the Police if you think he will become violent when you leave (if you cannot get away in private). It will be hard but you can and will do it.

Please leave and please keep posting. The people here care and will support you, myself included.

I've just read your post to my DH - he works for Probation, running groups with perpetrators of domestic violence. He's offered some more advice. There's an organisation called Leeway that can also offer you support. So many of us have assumed that you want to leave him - but it might not be something you really want to do. Leeway can offer support for whatever you want to do.

www.leewaysupport.org/

You could try talking to your health visitor when you take your son to be weighed etc. They may be able to offer some support/advice - some will have more experience of this than others, though.

Some things you can do to make sure you are safe:

Keep credit on your mobile phone. Make sure you keep your phone near you or know where it is at all times.

Open a separate bank account - or put some aside for an emergency.

It doesn't mean because it's not physcial, that it's not domestic abuse - he has isolated you, threatened you, he has finacial control over you, he is exploiting 'male privelege', he has demonstrated emotional abuse.

Please don't think that contacting Leeway or Women's Aid is any sign of weakness - this is something that is wrong with him not you. One in three women will experience some kind of domestic abuse at some point.

Please keep talking to us.

Bananamush, on the "I told you so" point, this won't happen. I had a friend who recently left her abusive twat of h who she had married against the advice of her friends. Did anyone say I told you so? Hell no, we were just pleased she had seen the light and got out.

Please don't think that friends or family will judge you - I know no one likes to look like they have "failed" in their relationship but the breakdown of your relationship is 100% down to your partner. You and your son deserve much much better.

Bananamush - I feel so sorry for you. I think it's very encouraging that you have been as clear as you have in your post - it shows your strength and lucidity. The advice here is great. One of my best friends is also in the process of getting out of a similar controlling, abusive relationship, and Axis says, we're all so pleased she's managed to do it. Life doesn't have to be like that. Hugs xx

Do not, under any circumstances, consider doing any joint counselling with this 'man'. It would just give him a stick to beat you with.

Make plans to extricate yourself from this relationship, with the help of Women's Aid (0808 2000 247). You must go to them. And you must cover your tracks. Clear your history on the computer.

The bottom line is that he has 'jokingly' mentioned that he will kill you if you ever try to leave.

You are not over-reacting. Your perceptions of how you are being treated (very, very badly, and you do not deserve this) are spot on. You are married to an abuser. He has abused you financially and emotionally and psychologically, and you are afraid of him. He will not change, no matter how neatly the bowls are stacked. You cannot win for losing with an abuser like this.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or who will ever believe you. Women's Aid will. Start from there and gain back the strength to continue.