to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

Your family and friends, I'm sure, have been expecting a call ever since he forced you to quit your studies. If they 'disowned' you it was almost certainly a desperate attempt to make you see how strongly they felt. They'll welcome you back if you explain what a bad situation you're in.

And it is a bad situation. The emotional abuser doesn't need fists to knock the stuffing out of you, you do it yourself with a little prompting. Isolating the victim from friends, killing their dreams, chipping away at confidence, making you dependent, sowing seeds of self-doubt, nit-picking, criticising .... with occasional flashes of nice behaviour to keep you hopeful, like the torturer giving his subject a glass of water in between electric shocks. The fact that you had to ask 'is this normal?' means you've been conditioned to accept it.

As everyone has said, go. Your family will be there for you and your son. The longer you stay, the more hold he'll have over you and the less confident you will be that you deserve better.... Good luck

BananaMush,

This man is an abusive turd as well as being an angry one. Controlling men are often very angry men too. I hope by now you have contacted Womens Aid. The first step to leave is often the hardest but really you cannot go on like this. You have some fight left; in a year's time if you are still there you will have less fight within you.

BTW if you do receive counselling eventually (and I would suggest doing the Womens Aid Freedom course if it is available in your area) you should only receive counselling on your own. You would not be counselled jointly anyway due to the abuse within the relationship.

He has followed the time honoured route of controlling abuse. All the tactics these types employ are there and have been used on you to your emotional cost now. And not it will not get better, if anything it will escalate unless you get out (and I never say that lightly).

You would not be counselled jointly at any rate because of his ongoing abuses towards you.

You must leave for the sake of your child as well as yourself. This is no role model of a relationship that you want your son to be witness too - your H likely learnt this from his own parents.

To the OP.

LEAVE NOW!

He is a control freak, he wants you to be controlled under his thumb for life, he will be the same with his son and make both your lives a misery.

Everything you do is wrong because he is a control freak, by making you doubt yourself and feel you are the one in the wrong all the time he is destroying your self confidence making you easier to dominate. it is all about control.

Take control, tell him you have had enough of him controlling your life, do things your way and tell him to fuck off, get a job etc tell him you are going to get a life and if he isn't along for the ride he can get out.

that might snap him out of it and allow you your freedom if it doesn't then GET OUT HE WILL NOT CHANGE HIS WAYS!.

You're an intelligent woman, clearly, yet you are posting just to check whether this is normal? No, it's not normal. It's entirely ABNORMAL behaviour.

The worry is that you had to ask the question. Just leave now and save yourself years of heartache.

Oh and by the way - abusers can be charming - that's how they sucker people in

And if you believe that he will change if you have a word with him - you're deluding yourself. Again.

There are places to go BTW, I know there is a YMCA place for abused women round here, it's unmarked I did a new deal job seach course in there once (when YMCA was one of the providers) and it was a really nice place, the women got a little 1 bed flat with all mod cons in a secure building and because it's the YMCA they get free access to the YMCA gyms and child care so they can go to work and eventually move out and have a life again.

So don't go thinking there is nowhere to go because not only are there places that will help you, they are very nice places anyone would be happy to go to.

I agree with every poster who is advising you to leave. You are in an abusive relationship and trust me, it will get worse.

I had nothing when I left my situation. I had no money either but that didn't matter because as soon as I stepped into the Refuge I felt I had won the lottery!

Please don't be afraid to leave. You have nothing to be afraid of. Everything you are worrying about now will disappear the minute you leave. IMO you have more to fear from staying with this man than you do leaving.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but- reluctant

I had a friend who put up with this for 14 YEARS!!! She always found an excuse to stay 'the kids are too young' 'the kids need their dad' 'when he's not like this its fantastic!' etc etc....THEN he nearly killed her - beat her to near death! That's when she left him! When she left she had NOTHING but she is alive!

All I can say is GET OUT! If you love yourself and you want the best for your child GET OUT NOW! Your DH is abusive, controling and it seems he is trying to belittle you and make you lose your confidence so that feel like you can never leave him because you would not have the confidence too....

Have you ever sat down and talked with him and told him how he makes you feel? Could you ever sit down and talk with him?

You are not over reacting and what you describe is not normal marriage bickering.

Oh Eleanor!? Are you ? ah! I'm an old timer as well. REally there's only about 30 of us. We just all keep changing names

Timeforme, that was the post I was thinking of!! Glad you have linked to your thread.

Can't believe how many people have responded. I'm all teary reading through your posts.

To those asking, I am in the uk. When I left my studies, I moved 400miles away, but still uk.

I have been thinking and thinking and thinking since my earlier posts. I can't leave him, not yet. I know that sounds stupid and sooo many of you will want to give me a good rattling...but I just can't. I am going to talk to him and I am going to stand up to him next time he blows up about something. I am going to do as I feel for a few days and see what happens. This is my home too and I won't be made to feel like I am some lower species to him.

I would like to believe that if it gets worse, or physical, I will leave asap. He needs to change. I need him to understand, I will not subject my son to this any longer.

Some other thoughts. No, my family and friends probably wouldn't be surprised. I think I would be embarrassed and worried it would be a case of 'I told you so'?

To those who left what about money? We have a joint account. I earn no money. I can't secretly save or anything. He knows all the money.

Also, when you left, did you go far away? We live in a small community, I couldn't stay here

Don't worry it doesn't sound stupid that you can't leave him yet. When I posted my thread and got my wake up and smell the coffee moment, I knew I would leave him but it took a while to sort it out. I sent birth certs, passports, bank details etc to my parents house.

You say you need him to change and you need him to understand. I don't think this will ever happen, what will eventually happen though I promise you is that you will learn to live with the fact that he didn't value you and is incapable of seeing your POV.

I was embarrassed when I left too. But that lasted 3 weeks. I had invested so much wasted energy into hiding how bad things were. And eventually it turned out to be for nothing anyway because I just felt increasingly disconnected from the normal content people I was trying to hide my shame from.

So I blew it all up like a bomb when I left, and yes it was embarrassing for a little while. But people will admire your strength. People will surprise you. everybody has a story about a sister or a friend that they wish had your strength.

When I left I went back to my parents house in another country. I had no money. In fact I had a visa bill debt (groceries, he was so clever, he engineered things so that if I ever left it would be with a debt!). I think the relocation was for the best. I wouldn't want the two worlds overlapping. A fresh start was good for me and the children.

Good for you. Good feeling isn't it?

Bananamush, he won't change sweetheart, I can promise you that. You will though. I was at rock bottom when I left, I just couldn't take any more, I was worn out physically and emotionally. And please don't think that because there is no physical abuse it isn't serious. The emotional scars take much longer to heal than the physical ones and can be much harder to bear.

When I left I think I had just some change in my purse but I didn't need money to leave. the refuge helped me to claim benefits and they were paid quickly. I took some food with me from the house so that we had something to eat until money came through.

I lived in a small community too and the refuge I was taken to was about 5 miles away but it was fine, no one knew where it was.

You really shouldn't worry about what people think, it doesn't matter what people think or say, they are not the ones living your life. You have to think only about yourself and your baby. You have to show your H that you will not tolerate his treatment of you and that you are worth more than he appears to think you are. You owe this man nothing, you especially do not owe him the chance to treat you any worse than he is already doing.

Out of interest EH does the X have anything to do with the children?

I am just being nosy so you don't have to answer.

BananaMush, when you have time, read through this thread. SOme of your fears may be mentioned here.

why I'm happier as a lone parent

I agree, he won't change, and sorry to hammer this point home, but as well as 7 years with my X I also wasted another year after I left him trying in vain to get him to understand why I left him. He never acknowledged that he'd left me virtually no choice. To this day he thinks I had everything I wanted with him and that I left on a dramatic whim. I just shrug now! It doesn't last forever, that feeling of needing him to understand. His understanding will become worthless to you in time, honestly, and then you will be 100% free. To start off with, I made the mistake of leaving but I was still emailing him, he'd accuse me of x,y & z and I'd try to explain it to him, and he'd twist what I'd said, and I'd defend myself, and on and on it went.

Until I stepped off that merrygoround and never wasted another breath trying to reason with him.

valiumSingleton I am reading a really good book at the moment called Getting Past Your Past. There is a blog too and it's fab, it gives great insight on what you describe

gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/page/2/

Although you may not be in need of it now makes interesting reading though.