to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

he is a vile abusive characature of a man.

Run , fast and don't look back

One of the main reasons people don't leave their abusers is because they have nowhere to go. What nationality are you if you don't mind my asking? If you literally have nowhere else to go you might be in a good position in terms of getting help. It mightn't be your dream come true, but any roof over your head in a peaceful environment free from fear is going to be a stepping stone that you are making towards the rest of your life. I was also 'abroad' with my controlling x. Nothing is impossible. It just seems so at the time, because all your energies and all your emotional resources are completely depleted. You use them up just getting through each day and staying sane. But the truth is that your son won't be tiny forever. Get out before the situation is more complicated. get out before he asks you questions that are hard to answer. The sooner you start building the rest of your life, the sooner you will have a new life.

wonderful advice here. please listen to these wise posters

yes it will be hard leaving. but not as hard as spending the rest of your life like this. do you want to still be living like this when you are 40 ?

Can you tell us which county you are in? Someone here might be able to offer some RL help?

This is classic abuse - he has cut you off from family and friends, you have no job so no one to reach out to (except he doesnt know about how wonderful the internet and mumsnet can be, you have moved areas

He doesnt need to hit you at the moment you are in his control - no doubt that as soon as he feels that he is loosing his control over you - you answer back or refuse to play his stupid games - then maybe the next time it will be the odd slap, may be then a punch, maybe then a good beating maybe who knows it may continue the way it is - which is the good option? Ask yourself if you wish to continue to live in fear of what may or may not happen next or do you want to do what is right.

Your mum has probably struggled because she can see what is happening - he doesnt like her and has made it clear - has he spoken to her in the past?

She will welcome you back with open arms Im sure and even if she doesnt hell you are strong enough to do this on your own,

Whereabouts are you?

Oh fuck, BananaMush, this is bad

I could have written your OP just over a year ago. XP persuaded me to drop out of college, made me think it was my decision, it was not. I lost all my friends - the only ones I was "allowed" were his friends too. He also said he'd kill me if I left and I never quite knew whether he was joking. I hung onto the fact - for far too long - that I believed he would never hit me. He never did, because I left, but judging by the other things I have found out since, that he was doing in the relationship (which again I never thought that he would), I'm not convinced any more that he never would have done. I'm pretty sure it would have come down to that in the end. Also, before I left there was an awful thread on here about a poster who always said that her husband, despite all the horrible things he did to her, would never hit her. Then one night, he did, and the description of what she went through made my blood run cold and will stay with me forever. I think that was the point I realised I was never going to be safe with XP. It still took me four months from that point to make the concrete decision that I had to leave, and then another three months to sort everything out. I had the local domestic violence police team notified and everything just in case he kicked off. Luckily he didn't. I did leave in secret though when he was at work, I felt he had left me no choice.

I chose not to inform the police of his "death threats" at the time but was told by someone else later that if I had done, they would have taken it very seriously, whether it was meant as a joke or not. Normal loving husbands do not joke that they will kill their wives if they leave them.

On the flipside I finally left XP in December and it is wonderful now. I don't find it particularly hard work being a single parent compared to living with him, because I was doing all the work anyway - and I had his moods and whims to cater to all the time! I feel so free now. I can leave DS' toys out when he goes to bed if I want to. I can do the washing up every 3 days instead of after every meal. I can stack the dishes higgledy piggledy if I want to! And the best thing - I am hoping to start a part time degree in October, which I can do around DS. It feels like my life is back on track. I have got back in touch with old friends too - not all of them wanted to know, but the ones who do are just as lovely as ever, and I am so glad I have them as friends again. I am allowed to have fun now!

I promise you if you leave now you will never look back. It might be hard and unsettling for your DD in the short term but in the long term, the atmosphere in the house will be so much lighter, you will regain all your confidence and enjoy her even more, and best of all you won't be modelling her a warped relationship template - you will be showing her that a strong woman doesn't need a relationship to make her happy!

Sorry - son, not daughter! You will be showing him that it's not acceptable to treat women the way his father does, in that case.

Go and don't look back, before you completely lose yourself. Ask those you trust for help and good luck.

OP, I know you probably feel like you have nobody, but if you start again, scary though it will be, you will be free to make new friends in time. You will honestly. You can meet people in all the normal ways, and nobody will tell you who you can't be friends with. 3 years ago I was in your shoes. I relocated with the clothes on our backs and I haven't regretted it for a split second. My x used to refer to my home town as 'that shit hole'! and he told me if I didn't like it I could shape up or fuck off home! I was so scared. He never thought I would.

If by any chance you want to email me at [email protected] maybe there are details you don't want to share on line, such as what country you are from.

It's naive to say that money is unimportant BUT in the UK, you at least can be assured that you and son need not starve if you were to leave.
To be honest, the joy and relief you feel at leaving may offset any worries you have about money so I say go for it and leave.

I don't think that it is guaranteed that he will turn physically violent- some men like him do, some don't BUT it is enough that he is mentally abusive.
Which in a funny kind of way is worse. Had he hit you, you'd KNOW that he was abusive and wouldn't need to be asking here IYSWIM.

Instead he is screwing with your mind, destroying your confidence and self-esteem.
I'm all fighting for a marriage but in cases of abuse, the answer is to leave. It won't get better.

Yes, the amount of bureaucracy involved in sorting everything out can be overwhelming, but that is another good reason to go to WA and let them take care of you for a while. They will be able to sort out a lot of practical things. I found it all quite stressful, but I did it somehow. I really wish I'd let WA help me. Stupid pride and ignorance. I thought a refuge wasn't for 'people like me'. But of course that was nonsense, at the time, it was exactly for 'people like me'.

I bet your family and friends will believe you.

I'd be shocked if they didn't already suspect he is a controlling bully.

You say the relationships broke down after you met him? Why was that? Could it be because they saw him for what he is?

You say your relationship with your mum is strained? Probably because she can see massive changes in you since seeing him and finds it hard.

He has isolated you from your family and this is classic abuser behaviour.

Leave him. Don't look back. I suspect your family will be supportive.

You most definitely need to leave. Normal marital disputes don't involve the words "you stupid cow", threats like "If you carry this on, you will know about it", or jokes about murdering a spouse if they should try to leave. And those are just some of the abnormal things in your post. The rest didn't sound acceptable either.

I don't know whether you're disconnected from your family solely because of your husband, or whether you had family issues before you met him. Is it possible that things could be better once you've left, and no longer feeling forced to defend a relationship they disapprove of?

If it's not, there's other places that can help you. It is very important you get out. I'm very concerned for your emotional and physical health.

Support groups prioritise women with young children.

Here's the National Domestic Violence Helpline. It's freephone 0808 2000 247

I don't want to scare you, but I think you should read this particular page from the WomensAid site. It's how to cover up your internet activity, so he doesn't find out you're getting help.

And here's their section of links about housing. www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100130032&sectionTitle=Housing

You should also try contacting your local council's housing department. Your GP should also be able to direct you to local help.

I think your husband has a psychological problem, but you can't help him. It is dangerous to you and your son for you to stay. After you've left, tell him he needs to seek psychological help. I repeat, don't stay in the hope you can fix him.

GET OUT OR YOU WILL DAMAGE THE LONG TERM HEALTH OF YOUR CHILDREN. IF YOU CAN'T DO IT FOR YOU, DO IT FOR THEM!!!

I've read your OP and your last post BananaMush.

He most certainly is abusive and I expect everyone else here is saying the same thing.

The behaviour you describe is very much what I put up with for years from my XP and a lot of what you say strikes a chord particularly this: "He talks me out of doing things and I really lack confidence."

What's great however, is that obviously you have a kernel of belief and self confidence (eg going on the course). Hold on to it - that will get you through this.

You say people will not understand if you leave him but you know what, they will. Lots of people here believe you and we're strangers!

I too was left with nothing, had to start again pretty much from scratch. I'm quite poor materially speaking but really I am just so much happier in every other way and so is my DS. Friends and family have said it's like the difference between night and day.

Good luck to you and keep posting here for support.

OMG BananaMush, I've just read your post. I haven't read all through the responses but I imagine they're the same as mine;

GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!

Please. Now.

Absolutely right we believe her. Too many of us have had an experience of it not to.
My ex never hit me ( he might have done had I stayed. Who knows?) but one of many things that made me leave him was when, during a row where I mentioned a close male relative, he threatened to, "beat the sh*t out of him".
He never did, of course. Bullshitting was just another of his "delightful" qualities.

I knew then that he was a nutter and there was no future in it.

I also had a strained relationship with my mum, which XP played on and exploited.

Abusers also don't like people who are 'rivals' for your attention because they seem them as a threat (anyone who they sense sees through them also falls into this category). They will do what they can to basically destroy the relationship.

When things got really, really bad towards the end of the relationship he was basically feeding her outright lies about me and my behaviour (long long story).

Things between us are now so much better - although we have our moments of course!

I bet if you ask your mum for help she will be on side.

I must add that this relative had absolutely done nothing to my ex to make him dislike him (the relative).
It was said purely to scare me.
So they may not hit you, but they can still terrorise you in other ways.

"Absolutely right we believe her. Too many of us have had an experience of it not to."

Spot on marantha.

I mean 'see' not seem' of course. Typing too quickly as usual!

You are in danger, OP, and so is your child. Once you are away from this awful man (Women'Aid will come and get you today, if need be and take you to a refuge) get a good laywer and do not allow your XP unsupervised access to your DC. He doesnt see either you or the baby as people, you are objects belonging to him that he can do as he likes with.

Another thing. You said you didn't think your friends or family would believe you. Even if you're right, professionals (workers at women's refuges, citizen's advice, GP's, etc) WILL. They've all seen it before.

Write a letter to your Mum and explain how you feel and as much of the history that you can. Ask her to speak to Women's aid, look at the links on here etc so she can see that your situation is not unusual. Tell her you and her grandson need her help and to put the kettle on! Pack your passports and birth certs etc, get on a bus / train and turn up on her door step. Sort the rest out later!!

Do you want your son to grow up and feel that this is the right way to treat you and any other woman?

He will either turn on your son, or turn your son against you.

Leave, please. I lived with a father like this for 18 years, I had no choice. Don't let that happen to your son too.

Leave.

I've only read the first page. That was enough.

He's not normal. He's been showing the signs since the day he gave you the 'study or me' ultimatum. Notice how he didn't move to be closer to you, even though it was supposedly him who couldn't live without you ?

"If I left, I would have NOTHING and nowhere to go. People would never understand as noone knows what he is like with me."

He has done the classic thing of slowly but surely isolating you from eveyone and everything you know. Family, friends, financial independence, so all you have left is him. So you feel like you have nothing and nowhere to go.

He also behaves like a normal, civilised man in front of other people and treats you like shit in private, classic abusive behaviour.

You are right. He is an abusive turd and you are right that your son will be picking up on his behaviour, even though you try to protect him from it. The only way you can protect him properly (and yourself) is to leave and make a new, safe life for the two of you.