to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

Oh BananaMush, I think it a good idea to hide this thread from him (if you have not taken steps already). Delete your browser's history and use private browsing when you're on mumsnet. This sort of thing can lead to an outburst, and whatnot.

bananamush, I hope you still check this thread even if you are trying to work things out

I agree with others here, you might get a honeymoon period but his underlying issues are unlikely to change. Its taken me years out of a similar relationship to see what was going on, and while in it I was kept walking on quicksand - could never stop and think and analyse the situation and see how fucked up it truly was - and from your description your are having a horrendous time

read this please and see if you recognise the dynamics - its just lifted from the net but I thought it dissected the issues well

and Im another one offering support if you want to CAT

Snobear - I don't think that as women we are automatically taking OP's side. A lot of women posting have been through it recognise the signs. That said, I think your post is of great value because you are a man - and if your alarm bells are ringing too...

Bananamush -- if he is using things you have confided to him about your life before you met him as ammunition (did he ask you for your history, btw?) how safe do you feel emotionally? This is why what he's doing is called abuse.

Do you feel you can trust him with your private thoughts or feelings?

Well done for taking control and telling him how you feel.

It shows great self-confidence to have handled this so clearly and calmly, and to choose a path which worked for you in spite of all the messages to leave.

I hope things work out for you. Whatever happens, hold onto this moment.

Good luck and thinking of you.

Bananamush, I stayed. I stayed for 22 years, believed it was normal to be called a silly cow, to be put down in front of dc, to be controlled and cut off from everyone. I went into the marriage as an optismistic, confident academic and at the end I was a wreck who couldn't work out if I had the right to leave him. Sorry, but your husband, in that he has done and said all these things you mentioned will not change. It may be o.k for a few monthes now, you'll kid yourself that you have your confidence back that you are in contol but one day, it will all tumble down again. The foundations are too shaky so start, even slowly, of making plans to leave. I thought it was impossible to get out (living abroad, financially etc) but I#d forgot what it was like to breath fresh air...don't wait too long and take care. By the way, mine never hit (shoved though) but verbal can leave you a wreck.

I agree, nothing drastic. Talk to WA at least, tell them what you posted here. Or print out your OP. You don't have to decide anything too fast. But find out what WA thinks of your circumstances, and find out your options. And do read the book by Lundy Bancroft 'Why Does He Do That...?' It may depress you, it may scare you, it may empower you.

Bananamush, I caught my breath when I read your post because it's so similar to what I experienced. I broke up with my abusive ex in January. I had moved country for the relationship (to the UK) left my happy life and a great job, and by the end of my time with him I wasn't allowed to socialise, or to work, or to have a life beyond keeping house for him and taking the force of his rage. The name-calling, referring to my sexual past and disparagement of my family were constant factors in my relationship too. His mind-games and shifting of blame made me doubt my own sanity. (This wasn't helped by the fact that he liked to keep me continually sleep deprived.)

What worries me now is that I was in the same position as you are now. I confided in my sister and she flew over, and sat down with the two of us to work through it. With her there, I felt brave enough to say what I felt. He was completely reasonable while she was there and I really felt things would get better. However it only took a couple of days for him to twist things around again, and soon he was accusing me of "subjecting him to a kangaroo court" and saying I had no loyalty to our relationship, and screaming at me for "betraying" our relationship by talking about it to my family. And the abuse got worse than ever.

If this happens, please, please, don't be afraid to come on here and tell us. Don't feel that we'll judge you for staying with him, or that we'll lose patience with you. I know how hard it is to leave. But I do hope that you will leave, because I would love you to be where I am now. My head is clear, my self-confidence is building up again, and I'm living in a place where I have peace and calm and happiness, instead of where I used to be, which was full of fear, confusion, and misery.

I only discovered Mumsnet after I left my ex (he restricted my access to the internet) but I discovered very helpful threads on here, which made me realise I wasn't alone. I read the Lundy Bancroft book after it was recommended here, and it really helped me to see that it wasn't my problem, that he was an abusive type, and that these types don't change. It was amazingly liberating.

Wishing you all the best, and hoping you'll know there will always be people here to help if you need it in the future.

BananaMush I hope you're still reading this thread without to much distress.

I've watched my sister go through the same thing with her ex hubby. She was such a strong woman who you'd have thought would be the last person to stay in an abusive relationship but it all happened gradually. The problem was she really loved him when he was in a good mood so initially stayed for that but they good moods got less and less. They had 2 children together. He worshipped his DS but not so much his DD. If they had more than one toy out at once he'd go mad.
One day their DS put make up on (at 3 years he thought it was face paint)and he went mental as he said it would 'turn him gay'!! That was the first time he hit my sister (after 5 years together). Afterwards he cried, apologised and promised it'd never happen again. His 'change' lasted 3-4 days and he hit her again after a week.
As they had children together my sister stayed for them as she didn't want to be a single mum (he'd convinced her she was fat, ugly, worthless, thick and no other man would want her).
To cut a long story short she only left him after a really bad incidence because he beat her in front of their (then 4 year old) DD. My sister told him to leave for good so he packed his things without too much fuss. Then he called their DS & DD into the kitchen as he had a 'surprise' for them. He stood there and told them (aged 4&6) that mummy had made him do this and proceeded to slit his wrists in front of them! Their DD still has nightmares 8 years on. After this failed to get my sisters sympathy vote to take him back he would come round late every night when the kids were in bed to try to kick the door in to kill my sister and the kids.
He basically saw the kids as a hold over my sister. He didn't want the kids just her.

I'm sorry if I've scared you with that but I want you to know what can happen. Everything you said is exactly how my sisters hubby started. He mocked her for going to college saying she was too thick and would fail. When she passed her exams he came up with different excuses so she wouldn't be near other people. And if he caught her talking to a man (even a shop assistant) he would beat her and accuse her of having an affair.

Whatever you do don't stay for your baby please don't, you don't want your DC to grow up thinking this behaviour is normal and ok in a marriage.

If you're best friend told you what you've written here what advice would you honestly give her? If this was your DD and GC what would you advise? Whatever that advice is follow it yourself.

I wish you all the strength in the world to deal with this situation and see what needs to be done. It's so easy for us to tell you what to do but only you can make that decision. I think you've made the decision already by posting this you just need the courage to follow it through.

I hope it all works out for you.

Bananamush, nobody who has been through it expects you to just up sticks and leave, right now, immediately. You will need to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally, and have some sort of plan. Please talk to WA. They will help you through the process no matter how long it will take. Nobody will judge you or pressure you or make you feel you 'should' this or 'shouldn't' that.

I'm still checking in here. Some of your stories are so sad. Lots of strong women here.

We have had a great few days (as expected) so all is well for now. To all those who are worried, it really is one last chance. If he behaves like that again, I will leave.

I have made my 'plan of action' for if I have to leave. So I am no longer feeling like I have nothing and nowhere to go. Still very scary to imagine leaving, but I won't hesitate now if he starts again.

Your posts have helped me sooo much. They have given me strength and clarity. I couldn't break the cycle before but now I know it isn't normal and I won't stand for it.

Good for you BananaMush, continue to lead a normal life.

Check you are not changing your behavior to suit him, if this is for real then you will not need to walk on eggshells.

Hi Banana, the tension is gone for now.

To pick up on snobear's post, I think that that shows a deeply misogynist nature, to despise you for losing your virginity to somebody you'd been with for years.... and to mock you for it, and throw it back in your face..... well, I would say I was shocked except I'm not. This is exactly what my x did. Things I'd confessed to him early on were thrown back at me and used against me.

It's not easy to just walk out the door, but I hope that every crisis brings you closer to that freedom.

Digger's post is shocking. To think of a mother, an adult, so ground down that her 13 year old daughter took control of the situation is so sad. Don't let that be your child.

I'm so pleased to hear you've decided to give it one last shot and really do hope it all works out for you. If, however, it doesn't work out just remember you're not a failure, he is.

All the best for a happy future with your DS, whether or not that involves your (D)H xxx

Glad you have a plan now Bananamush. A plan is like a secret superpower. It will make a subtle change in your attitude. And awareness makes a big difference too. Keep your chin up and eyes forward. Listen to your inner voice and honour yourself first, or your child, if you feel yourself is 'not enough'.

OP, no, not normal, he is an abusive arse. Off to read rest of thread now.

I was in your situation 8 years ago. My XP was abusive both physically and emotionally and mentally. I had two young children. You think that you have NOTHING and nowhere to go, but you are wrong. There is a lot of talk on Mumsnet about benefits, but this is the time you need to claim them. Get advice and go. I am now very happily married with two well adjusted big boys who are doing well at school and a lovely one year old son with my DH who is wonderful, supportive, kind and my best friend. Your life is not over, it will open up before you as you leave. He will not kill you if you leave, but he will probably beg you for another chance. Do not give him one, say what I said

" If I leave now, I am young enough to start again, if I stay, you will wear me down and my chances of eventual happiness will diminish." Be firm and go.

Can I add that when I say go, I don't necessarily mean today, you will need to prepare and have money and somewhere to live. Get advice, but do go, this is your life, not a dress rehearsal.