to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

I used to wash my hair the wrong way and shave my legs the wrong way. Funny how a man can make you feel shit about something you've been doing perfectly fine for years on your own. GET OUT NOW. Please you will regret staying. Talk to your mum and explain whyyou made the choices you did and explain how controlling he is, it might help her understand and if she's any sort of mum she will then help you get out. Do not stay out of fear you will have nothing. You will have a beautiful baby and your life back and you will make new friends a lot easier without him stopping you. Let us know how you get on. Big huge hugs xx

Just want to voice my support, and my admiration of all of you who are facing or have faced this and come through it. It is so wrong.

And OP, I keep thinking about how you would feel if he spoke to your son like this - seems to me he might, in a few years time . Not a nice person.

All the best while you figure out what to do.

n

I'm really sorry, I have just read the OP and not the rest of the thread (will catch up in a bit), but the first things to strike me are you stating you believe your H to be an abusive turd. For that alone I doubt if there is any future. If you have come to the realisation that that is what he is (and reading your OP I very much believe you summed him up very well) then this is probably the beginning of the end for your relationship.

The next thing to strike me was the sentence, "I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up". That is so incredibly sad. What the fuck is your husband - your child's father - doing trying to make you cry in front of your child?

I truly hope your family are able to support you now and start to understand why you made the choices you made. Certainly they do not sound like scum to me.

Actually, I think you should get out, away from your husband, NOW. You are scared to be on the computer in case you use too much electricity? You're not allowed to visit anyone? Thank God for the internet.

Please look after yourself and your little boy. Get any important documents together, pack a bag and leave. x

GET OUT!!!

In ten years of marriage I have NEVER ahd my husband call me a cow... never mind threaten to kill me or harm me in any way... love just doesn't work this way.

BIG HUG. Get out. Go to your family with your baby... get your life and your self esteem back x

Bananamush never forget you had the intelligence and resources to get most of the way through your course, and the guts to give everything up to follow your man. You have done it before, so you can do it again.

My guess is that most of your family and friends are waiting for you to make your move.

Trying to talk to him does not sound useful, but I understand you feeling the need to explore every avenue. In case things escalate, do plan your escape route first - sending docs to your mother (or even registering a safety deposit box outside the house) before he has wind of how you are feeling is a sensible thing to do. You can always get them back if he miraculously changes his entire personality.

I know it is hard to set up alone with a little one - my ex and I split when the twins were about your sons age.

Thinking of you. Be strong

Only read the OP. Banana, please get out of this relationship for your own sake and that of your DS. It will be hard, but it will be worth it to build a real life for you and your son. Ring your mum NOW. ((((Banana))))

Banana, I'm sorry but I'm worried that you giving him warning of how you feel or standing up to him will make it escalate. He is not a reasonable normal person. If you go and he sees how bad things are and he wants to change, then he can do so from a distance - a safe distance for you. Please, go now.

Banana.

He will never change.

Leave him.

I was in your shoes once.

What makes me saddest is hearing some of you say your husbands would never call you a cow etc. You are so lucky. I've been thinking it's bad but must be common. Of course it's not!

I have been reading through some of the suggested threads. There are some strong ladies out there.

Yeah, the electric thing. Apparantly I use too much. and if I want to visit anyone, he sees it as selfish and a waste of money. I met a friend last week. I drove 3miles to see her. I wasn't going to tell him but I bumped into my in laws and they told him. He was mad, said it wouldn't have mattered but my friend is a 'silly cow' and he can't believe I wasted our money on the petrol to see her. I didn't dare tell him we went for coffee and I spent £2.40 there he lectured me then ignored me for a whole afternoon and night.

He doesn't have friends and doesn't understand why we could 'need' anyone else.

It's therapeutic to share this

everything you type proves that you know that he really hates you and wants to control you.

you have to leave.

i am sure that your mum will be soooo happy for you if you go home to her.
i promise you that leaving him is your best option.
i promise you that when you leave you will be sooo much happier than you have ever been.

pack your bags, some lunch and a few drinks, and get in your car (well, it's a hot day!), and drive to your mother's.

you will not regret it.

Banana, that is definitely financial abuse on top of the emotional and verbal abuse.

well - I think it's more common than any of us know, unfortunately, but it's not RIGHT. And I'm one of those whose DH treats me as an equal, and has never called me names, threatened me. sworn at me, not spoken to me for more than a few minutes at a time, or scared me. It's a shame that I consider myself "lucky".

Yes, even if your relationship with your mother is a bit strained, she still basically loves you right? Maybe you have difficulty meeting in the middle sometimes, but she doesn't want to control you, undermine you and make you suffer...?

Even if she's not Ma Walton, I would still go to her (if you don't go to WA first. This may sound more calculated but I think that WA will be more help with practical things, getting a place to live etc). Talk to your mum though. I am a lot more honest with my Mum since I left my x. I used to try and maintain this illusion that everything was tikketyboo. I did that for decades.

"What makes me saddest is hearing some of you say your husbands would never call you a cow etc. You are so lucky. I've been thinking it's bad but must be common. Of course it's not!"

oh Banana.
i don't know what to say.
no one i know, does their dh call them a cow. no one. even in arguments. no one. i know 50 people to whom i have had tiffs and arguments conversations. never, i tell you.

Okay, I've thought more about the "I told you so" comment that you are worried about from other people if you go back. Please, take some time to think about that. So what if they do say I told you so (and they won't by the way), why does that matter? Don't let your pride get in the way of this. And, I was being polite before but, based on your last post about the visit to a friend, he is a nutter. Sorry about the politically incorrect term but really, he's a class A loon and probably won't be able to change without professional help. And with you where he wants you, he's got no reason to change either.

Valium - I've never even heard the term financial abuse He was telling me the other day that a chap we know gives his wife an allowance. He was outraged and said he told the man that I have access to all money. Does he really think this? I always watch pennies and have not bought myself anything for months because he would be angry if I did.

I'm confused! I keep thinking, maybe he doesn't realise how bad he is being. Or is that wishful thinking? argh

I left with the clothes on my back and 25 grand in debt, I just didn't go home one night. His behavior had become so scary, I was being accused of the most terrible things, I had no control over my life at all. Then one day at work he called to tell me to come home now, I was at work in a busy shop, if I didn't I was in trouble.

I knew that he was going to hurt me, he had in the past, so I stayed at work then went and sat on a park bench for hours and hours, then called my dad who came quick as a flash to get me.

My parents knew, even though I had said nothing and were wonderful. I stayed with them for a few months before I rented somewhere.

It all kicked off and he was vile, but it was so over the top vile that it just made him look like an idiot. Even though we were married I did not receive a penny, house in his name etc.

It took me 5 years to get a divorce, and only then because he wanted to marry some other poor girl. Luckily he did leave the country so I hope I will never see him again.

But now the debt is paid and I am married to a good man and have a beautiful daughter and peaceful home. I just wished I had not given him 10 years of my life.

Don't worry about 'I told you so' feelings. A lot of my friends didn't like my x. And guess what, they were absolutely right!! Nobody said to me "I knew it would end like this". My friends were just glad for me that it was finally over.

I had never heard of financial abuse until I left either Banana. I didn't realise I was being abused either tbh. I knew he was awkward, controlling, unreasonable and mean, and I knew I was miserable. But for some reason I didn't think it was abuse. It only became clear after I left.

I think I had an apt with a legal aid solicitor (he was useless) but while I was there, I saw a leaflet about domestic abuse. It was the first time I'd ever picked one up and read one, and it was like a surreal moment of clarity. He had done every single thing on the list except rape me. And the leaflet said that if your partner did one or more of these things then it was abusive behaviour!

I feel so sad for you Banana I was accused of using too much electric too and I wasn't allowed to have the heating on even in the coldest of winters. It was a miserable life so I know exactly what you are going through.

Do you feel brave enough to give Women's Aid a call and speak to them about what is happening to you? They will reassure you and confirm all your thoughts. You may even find, as I did, that you are suffering more abuse than you are presently aware of.

I suppose he will be home soon (if he's at work still) and then tomorrow you will be trapped with him under your heels all day.

Do your mobile phone bills go to him? Will he be at work on Monday?

I have been around here for ages but this is the first time I have posted. Your post brought back so many memories for me, my husband was very much like this - abusive and threatening over the slightest thing, but worse than that, controling my life by isolating me from my friends, family, education, work etc. There were lots and lots (and lots) of areas in my life where he tried (often successfully) to control me - a small example, telling me over and over that my driving instructor was useless because he hadn't taught me this or that - I know now that he wanted to stop me learning to drive because that would have given me independence - and this is just one example, there were many many similar things. Years later, I found that it is something that a certain kind of abusive man does, a way to gain control. He might also try to keep you very busy and tired. Unfortunatley, the more you are isolated, the less you can work out whether or not it is reasonable, whether or not he is right. Usually he is not right, and usually it gets worse, sometimes much worse! Often the next step is controling the children too. Please take a step back and look very carefully at your life and whether this is the way you want to live - I am wary of saying he is def. in the wrong because it is so easy to see things that might not be there, but if there is any similarity, you could be on very sticky ground. Remeber too that you cannot change him. I stuck around for a long time before I realised what a dangerous situation he had put me and my family in; I did get out, but not before I had lost a lot of confidence, a lot of friends, and it was quite hard work to get my life back together again. So please evaluate you situation, and make plans for your future, even if only back-up ones.

It is wishful thinking, Bananamush, and I think you know that.

Would he speak to work colleagues or his parents the way he speaks to you? If not then he is aware of normal behaviour.

Do you really want your son growing up to believe this is a normal way to treat women?

Everything you have posted gets more extreme. What you describe is bullying and abusive, and is all about making himself feel stronger at your expense.

Don't look back. His problems are not your problems.

PS Financial abuse is usually described in relation to older people, but it is real and just as serious as physical, emotional and sexual abuse.

Valium, he will be home anytime between now and 10pm. He is self employed and he works till he feels like it. My mobile is broke. I know, I know!

Tomorrow he will be here all day, sundays have been tense the last few weeks. I might suggest we go out somewhere for the day and talk then. He will be working monday.

I saw one of these leaflets and I also think he fitted most of the points. But I also doubt myself and wonder if I think that because I want to believe it is 'proper' abuse and I am right to feel so sad about his behaviour...does that even make sense??

Timeforme - I am a bit frightened to phone in case they push me into leaving. I'm not at a stage where I am ready to. Would they just listen and be gentle if I phoned without forcing me to take drastic action?