to believe my husband is an abusive turd...

[BananaMush]

A bit of background. My husband and I have been together since 2006, married about a year and a half ago, have a 6mth old baby.

When we originally got together, it was a long distance relationship. I was studying and had a year left till I qualified. We planned for me to finish studying, then we would move closer together. When I had 6months left, he decided he couldn't do the distance thing and said I had to choose between him and my studies/a career. I chose him. I totally walked out on my life, including a lot of my friends and my family (who couldn't understand my decision) practically disowned me. My mum started talking to me again about a year ago.

I got a job, enjoyed it and was happy. A year into it, he convinced me it wasn't 'viable' for me to work. travel costs etc. He could earn enough for both of us. Basically said our relationship was over if I continued to work - we were engaged at the time. So I stopped and started working from home for his business. Paperwork, phonecalls etc.

There is so much more in the past and drama but we have been great for sooo long now. Until recently. I am beginning to feel very trapped and controlled. I feel like the way he talks to me is unacceptable. I think he knows it is but carries on.

He nags me constantly and critisises how I do things. Just some examples -

• I put the bowls away 'wrong' the other day from the dishwasher. Admittidly, I just shoved them in the cupboard randomly and all balancing precariously but I had a screaming 6mnth old.

• I don't clean enough. Apparantly the house is a tip

• He goes mad that I haven't done a piece of paperwork (when most of the time, I don't even know of said paperworks existence, as he doesn't tell me)

There are loads more, you get the idea. Now, I don't mind a wee tiff or him nagging a bit, I nag him too. What I object to and find draining is the way he goes about it.

For example, the 'bowl' episode. He quickly descended into shouting and swearing. Calling me 'stupid' and asking me to explain myself. When I try to respond, he interrupts me every time and accuses me of trying to wheedle my way out. He asks me 'what were you thinking', 'are you an idiot', 'what's wrong with you' etc etc.

If I try to answer, he talks over me, saying 'shut up stuid cow'etc. If I ignore him, he says I'm being childish and have an attitude problem and am playing games. I can't win....or even take part in his tirade. If I cry, he calls me a baby and immature. If I don't cry, he says I'm a grumpy bitch and will persist with insulting me till I do. I try sooo hard not to cry so as not to upset my little boy. I try to smile through it all so he doesn't pick it up. But I know he will.

The personal insults get worse as the weeks go on. Every little tiff escalates into him swearing at me. He says things like 'If you carry this on, you will know about it'....'I can assure you, it won't be me upset at the end of this'....'I'm really wondering about you just now'...'you are just like your mum' (he hates my mum and that is his fave line just now)...'you come from scum, what should I expect'. He hates my whole family, always putting them down, and keeps telling me I'm predestined to become a bitch as my family are scum. I lost my virginity at 16 to a bf I had been with for years. He knows this and says he hates me for it and I am disgusting and I have no morals.

Sorry, this is so disjointed. I'm just trying to give a picture.

When he has been like this, he normally apologises. Profusely. And says how good I am and that he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes these apologies come at night in bed when he thinks I'm not awake. Apologies used to work, now they just make me feel sick iyswim. I accept them in order to not continue the argument.

I'm living on edge at the moment. I shake when he starts. He is working today. I am writing this while my boy sleeps on my knee. But all I can think is how I must get the place spotless for when he gets home.

And make sure I don't waste too much electric...visit anyone etc. He says I love to assume the role of 'down trodden housewife'. I don't, do I??

When it's great, it's great. But it's not really making up for the bad times at the moment.

Sorry this is so long. I'm sad. I need to let it out. Do you think I'm over reacting? Is this normal marriage bickering? Please be gentle with me. I'm delicate just now.

you don't have nothing. you have a wonderful child, a family who WILL understand, and a thousand supportive friends, even if you haven' met them yet.

HERE WE ARE!!

if you don't know how to explain to your mum, just show her your OP. It speaks so much more than the words.

just because its not physical, doesn't mean is not abuse. i think it is. he doesn't deserve you. your child deserves for you to be at your best.

go for it, before he takes any more of you.

proudnsad - I have tried so many things. Arguing back, but I hate doing it, I can't be mean like he can. And he would just get fouler and fouler.

I have tried to change the subject. He says I am being stupid and fake and suerficial.

I ignore it. He goes on and on.

I can't go to my family. Only my mum talks to me and it is strained. We really don't get on.

I don't think I can leave him but I think I'm going to seriously talk to him and calmly tell him I can't carry on with him being the way he is.

0808 2000 247 womens aid. free to call.

They can give you advice, support you.

I would start making sure I had all my paperwork together, passport/birth certs etc.
Start putting money aside.

Get a friend or relative on board who you can talk to, honestly.

Run away. Fast.

Oh wow, I wrote something very similar about a year ago and got some great advice on here. YANBU he is abusive. Right down to putting bowl the 'wrong' way (the washing up bowl was the 'wrong' way apparently in my case).

You need to leave him - take it from someone who knows. Go now while your DS is little by the time my DS was 4 he was dragging his heels on the way home asking worriedly if daddy would be in when we got home. Leave, you will be SOOO much happier, trust me take it from someone who knows first hand.

If your family and friends are a distance away then I think you should consider going there and not looking back.

He's right you know? He doesn't deserve you.

He is a bad man.

Call WA please. They will help you.

That was all muddled I will try again

Oh wow, I wrote something very similar about a year ago Right down to putting bowl the 'wrong' way (the washing up bowl was the 'wrong' way apparently in my case).
and got some great advice on here. YANBU he is abusive.

Can I ask again what country you are in? It seems like you might not be in the UK? There are people on here who can give advice based on where you are.

I was in the same sort of relationship for 10 years, no children. I left with nothing, one suitcase and a pile of his debt.

Ten years on I am in a wonderful relationship and have a beautiful daughter.

You will have something when you leave, your self respect and your life back.

You sound like a clever girl, do whats right for yourself and your son.

He would have to see that what he is doing is wrong in order to change it.

He thinks it is fair to treat you in this way. He does not respect you.

You need to start planning your new life, without him.

Go home. Tell your friends what you have been through, and I am sure they will support you. They probably won't be surprised given his initial ultimatum.

I feel like a total idiot. Because I am so dependant on him for money etc.

My son is awake so I need to get on a bit but I will be checking back. Thankyou for giving me an outside view. It helps so much.

OP just read your more recent posts - your DS is all you need. I moved with nothing and sat in my new house with zero furniture smiling.

That heavy weight you feel pressing on your chest that you try not to think about, that crushing feeling, as soon as you decide to go it will lift, and when you go you can do anything you want.

I really feel for you. x

btw I am in uk

BananaMush, you are not being unreasonable. You were a person with plans of your own when you met him, and now that you're trapped with a baby, he expects you to offer up your own ambitions for his convenience. Not only that, but he is verbally abusive. But you have no voice at all! If you complain, you are a whinging cry baby. If you don't cry you're a manipulative sulk! You can not win.

I have lived with a man like this and it's very hard to accept that they aren't what you hoped they would be. But you have to accept that he is verbally, emotionally and financially abusive (from what YOU have told us).

I can only advise you to leave him. It will be hard for a while with a small child but as somebody else said on another thread, life will be so much easier without the dead weight of a bad relationship. Once you get back on your feet though, there'll be no stopping you.

Shortly after I met my x he talked me out of buying a one bedroomed flat. Then later, he wouldn't buy a house with me as he could borrow more on his own. Then he treated me as a liability, as though I should be grateful all the time. He bullied me into not returning to work after my maternity leave. Then, when I applied for another job locally he went crazy. He was very critical of 'standards' around the house too. He expected me to keep his house like a shiny new pin. I have never, ever regretted leaving him. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. It's hard to believe now, but when I was with him, I was caught up in that distorted mindset where I believed I might regret it!! Crazy.

"I've often wondered what would happen if I pushed him too far"

you are not the one pushing him too far. I think if you are scared for your safety but are too scared to leave then you need to let other people like your mum and friends know what has been happening and how you are feeling.

These are the words of REality! Her wisdom finds its way to other fora! I cut and pasted this from another forum.

I found this on Mumsnet and it is so well written and the advice so important that I copied and pasted it for RC. It was written by a female but the content can apply to all relationships and both genders:

By: RealityIsMyOnlyValentine

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or emotional abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I am so so sorry and sad for you, for the terrible turmoil you are in. But you can get through this - you must read the amazing thread 'For thinking I"m going to struggle with this' in AIBU. You really really can do this.x

Oh my word!

And there it is Banana Mush.
I thought I'd get flamed for what I'm about to say but after what you've said he said, I'm going to

"jokingly says if I ever left he would kill me"

When I read your post I thought he'll start hitting her soon.
And I'm sorry but I bet he will. My dad hit my mum and I recognise your situation as the early stages of a violent relationship.

Leave!
Leave today!

Go to your mum.
He has isolated you and put you down so that you feel that no-one will understand or believe you.
That's not true.
Your family love you. You can rely on them.
Always!
If you need proof, your mother is talking to you again. WHy? She was really angry with you but she can overcome that because she loves you.
Go to her and take your baby with you.

Please don't return home until AFTER you and your spouse have FINISHED some couple counselling.

He is wrong to treat you like this, he's mentally abused you for years now.

Stay in touch with your family and away from your husband. He obviously is able to convince you to do things that are not in your interest (and therefore not ion his if he really loved you. i.e. leaving your course, quitting your job).

If you can't leave for you, then leave for your son.
Go, today!!

Please.

Please get out. It isn't a 'joke' to say he'd kill you, it's sick.

My ex was nowhere near as bad as this, but one thing is the same: I was financially tied to him, and I gave up on my education to be with him. I promise you, you will feel so much better in the end for getting out. Money is only money, your safety and well-being are more important.

Also, you say people don't know what he's like with you. You might be surprised. People may not say things to your face as you are living with him and they feel they can't comment, but you might well find that after you left him, people do come forward saying that they wondered what you saw in him, or worried about his behaviour.

Hope you are coping - wish I could give you hug.

Being in the UK, women's aid will definitely be able to help you - do ring them.

ps Bananamush, I wish now that I had run WA. I realise now with the benefit of hindsight that a few months in a refuge would have been no hardship. It would have been a price well worth paying to make the change. It is hard when you're totally financially dependent on somebody. My x had things set up so that when I left, I left with a debt. he was clever. I had to put all the household expenses on a visa card in my name. I had virtually no cash. SO that when I left, I left with nothing, just the clothes on our backs and a visa bill. Luckily I had family to help me out, so I feel for you that you don't feel you can turn to your family. You are the perfect victim for him. He can treat you as badly as he likes and you have nowhere to go - he thinks. There was a thread on here a while ago from a poster who had taken the plunge and talked to WA and then spent some time in a refuge and she was posting to let everybody know that it was not how she thought it would be. Everybody was kind and supportive and they offered her a lot of practical help. The place was clean and she only wished she'd gone sooner.

I left my partner (ha! what a word, it doesn't describe him) after posting a thread like yours. 2 months later I had left, so I'm hoping that our words will give you the confidence to start again. You can do it, and you will be happier. No matter what your circumstances, you know things can't be worse, they can only be better.

Easywriter, it's true, these types always progress to hitting. I spent 8 years with my x and he only started hitting me for the last two. I can't even remember the first hit though because it progresses so gradually from a shove to a rough shove to pushing me over to knocking me over you know, so as astonishing as it is for me to realise this, I can't remember the first time. I know a lot of people think, I would put up with so much but if anybody ever hit me I'd e right out the door, but it's not that simple.. so get out before you find yourself i that position.

Run Get out of this abusive relationship as fast as you can. The man is a controlling abuser, its so obvious, he has moved you from all family and friends and has total control over you, right down to you not even working in public.

This is not a normal relationship. Unless he changes all of his awful behaviour quickly you are just going to get more and more miserable and him more and more controlling. You need to leave for your sons sake if not your own.

Even if you leave with nothing apart form your son I believe you will be happier than you are now.

I really feel from your posts that you still have a lot of fire in you, you have realised what is happening to you is not right which is difficult because it happened gradually its easy think you might be going mad and have done something wrong to make him like this.

Leave him go back to university, go back to work, stay at home with your baby or join a traveling circus but leave him, he will do you no good he does not respect you and I dont think he will ever see where he is wrong to be able to change.

I really feel for you.