AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

and I would add that he is extremely anti me being pregnant again because our existing DC "would have no mother for 9 months".

YANBU That was our solution as the thought of more children makes me terrified.

I think that maybe he should consider it, but I'm not surprised that we won't do it. It might be worth getting him to talk to someone who's had it done.
Also, remind him that they are reversible.

You are most definitely NBU - his is the lamest excuse going, does he actually understand what a vasectomy actually is/does?
A lot of men seem to have the ridiculous idea that they will no longer produce sperm , some even think they will no longer ejaculate!

He's selfish in the extreme, it's such a minor op, he's been perfectly content for you to have your body "messed" with with pregnancy etc.
He's a coward, no other word for it.

And yes , my DH has had one and you can't tell at all - he is no different and feels no different either. There is a period of adjustment that the body goes through for a few weeks afterwards and that is it.

Sex without having to worry about
contraception is fabulous.

YADNBU, if he described your pregancny as something out of the exorcist, he clearly loves you. If he really loves you he should be prepared to have his nads sorted.

Malificence - nice, measured response there from someone that won't ever have to have a vasectomy.

Loopyloops - if you look up FAQs on vasectomy services web-pages you will often see that asking, "Is it reversible?" leads to the response that vasectomy should only be undertaken by those seeking a permanent contraceptive solution.

His body, his choice.

Has he had any medical procedures before? Maybe he's (understandably) quite nervous and it would be good to talk to someone who's had it done. I know quite a few men that have and they are all quite positive about it.

I can understand your worries about condoms. Are you able to have a copper coil and also use condoms to give yourself more confidence in your contraception?

Failing that, my mother was told when she was expecting me (her 2nd unplanned pregnancy) that "the only guaranteed form of oral contraception was the word no". Perhaps you could try that and he may be more convinced a vasectomy is the way to go?

Barmy - regarding the reversibility - he's absolutely not concerned about that. He doesn't want any more children, not with me, not with anybody. Also - do you consider that my pregnancies should be ignored in his decision? I want him to protect me now - I have suffered for a long time.

YADNBU ! Your body needs a break and he should do his part.

That's what we did. I , like you , can't take any form of hormonal contraception.

DH has had it though it took a while for him to get on with it....about a year.

He came back looking very sad...and 2 days later he was ready to try ''it'' again. It's a very minor operation really.

The only impact it had on our sex life is a positive one, because we don't have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy.

Go on strike..

I wouldn't ever expect my DH to have one if he didn't want to, just as I wouldn't expect him to have any say over my body in terms of alterations that were not medically necessary. I do agree his body his choice, as it goes for you too, your body your choice. Book an appointment for the GP/ family planning to see if there is any other contraception you can use and discuss your situation.

HappySeven - no he has never had any medical procedure of any sort so that will be a factor.

Re the coil - the side effect of increased bleeding is a step too far for me. Some of my pregnancy probs related to blood not clotting.

Well he is being selfish, but the fact remains that is is his body, and there is something fundamentally wrong with the idea of someone being bullied or pressured into undergoing a medical procedure against their wishes.
I appreciate that you had awful PGs but at the same time you (presumably) wanted your DC and thought the end result worth the suffering. I agree that you and your DP should see the doctor together to talk through the options.
ONe other optoin, though, is to give up penetrative sex ie stick to 69s (or bumsex, to lower the tone momentarily). How do you think yoru DP would react to that suggestion?

Hang on a sec - on the abortion debate, most women nowadays go no further than "My body, my choice".

So this is the same, no?

There are plenty of ways to avoid pregnancy other than forcing your OH to have an operation he does not want to have.

If this was a man complaining about his OH not wanting an abortion, people would be up in arms.

I sympathise with your plight and suggest you follow strawberrycake's advice above - discuss other methods instead.

I actually don't want to give up penetrative sex

But anyway - getting semen all over yourself without contraception is not a good idea is it, even if it is not being stuck directly into the vagina?

I wanted the DCs yes, he did as well. He wanted DC2 very much and I think he would have been extremely unhappy if I'd said, look, no, I'm not doing that to my body again.

I actually don't want to give up penetrative sex

But anyway - getting semen all over yourself without contraception is not a good idea is it, even if it is not being stuck directly into the vagina?

I wanted the DCs yes, he did as well. He wanted DC2 very much and I think he would have been extremely unhappy if I'd said, look, no, I'm not doing that to my body again.

How lucky for him that you didn't decide you didn't want your body messed with and so went on to give him two lovely children .. I think, considering your history of problems, coupled with your inability to take hormones/contraception that he should at least consider it.

I have a friend whose husband recently did it (after they had 2 children) and he basically said it was not that big a deal considering he knew he was going to stay with his wife and taking into account what she went through to have his children and that's the right attitude in my view.

Ultimately he has the choice to say no. I think it's rather selfish of him to say he "doesn't want his body messed with", given the hell that your body went through to produce your two DCs. You'd think he could take a little "messing with" to make sure you never have to go through that again.
But ultimately it's his decision.

However, you also have the choice to say no to sex if you are worried about the condom breaking/coming off (and it does happen).

Would he prefer a vasectomy to no more sex?

Any man who wouldn't have such a simple procedure but would be happy to let their partner risk pregnancy or be sterilised, with all the risks that entails, isn't any kind of a man at all.

It's the simplest, most obvious solution when no more children are wanted.

So the fact that women don't have vasectomies makes our opinion worthless?
Most women suffer for years with hormonal and other forms of contraception, not to mention the toll that pregnacy takes on your body, if a family is complete then "I don't fancy it" is a poor excuse and I'd lose respect for any man that thought that way .

Most of the married men I know have had one, my husband, my FIl, my BIL, my next door neighbour and at least a dozen others.

So is he happy to consider not having sex then?
My dh always has said he will get a vasectomy, now we have dd one his "year" is up I am holding him to it - I agree with the

his body, his choice arguement, I agree to an extent - but he needs to research HIS other options as well surely. He does not want his existing children affected by another pregnancy so it is equally is responsiblilty to prevent that from ever happening.... and given the ops medical history wouldn't stelilisation carry a risk that she could be hospitalised / have complictions, resulting in affecting the dc's?

What are the other methods of avoiding pregnancy - surely mumsnetters know as much as the family planning clinic? When I had DC2, the midwife suggested DH get a vasectomy.

his body his choice.
I for one doubt I will ever have a vasectomy.

sorry about the spelling/grammer i can't type on handed

Condoms or the snip - I know which choice I made - quick, pretty painless and gives you so many more opportunities for it without having to give a 2nd thought to any contraception - win win I'd say .

It is not just the womens "job" to sort out contraception Barmy.... It annoyes me that it is expected that the women should sort it out all the time.. And as op cant take the pill or have a coil fitted I think options are very narrow infact...

His choice entirely not have the snip but your choice to put a ban on sex until a compromise is met... Are there any other male contraceptions available apart from condoms? How did the male pill fare (sorry been locked in a box for years )