AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

So you have spoken to your GP then? or are you just guessing that he wont have any alternative sugestions? what research have you do into other methods?

Are there medical reasons why you cant continue to use condoms? or try the copper coil? of even the cap? like i said before no method is 100% proof and a vasectomy could fail too

At the end of the day a vasectomy is his body his choice, dont have sex with him if he wont have one and you cant think of alternatives

Yeah never as much fun though is it SexyDomesticatedDad?!

Dp didn't have to be coerced I showed him the two lists of side effects for both sterilizations dp said well You have already taken two for the team I will do my part once we are sure we have finished. I can't use any hormone related contraception we use a diaphragm much quicker to fit than a condom no worry of running out and not as invasive.

I completely agree with Malificence If my dp would not have the snip therefore asking me to take the risk of another pg then I would not have any penetrative sex.

Also condoms are not reliable I have had about 20 snap (don't know if it is just me) and that is how I caught for ds.

OP my DH feels exactly the same as yours - he will not entertain the idea of a vasectomy as a long term contraceptive solution.

He wants me to go on the Pill, but I'm just not sure about it.

After DS2 (both of us happy with the two DC) I do not want to be pregnant again - am dreading the birth already...

Vinny

Condoms: not reliable enough for rest of sexually active life (I am 32), no medical reason otherwise. And ironically DH prefers to have sex without a condom.

Coil: no (medical)

Cap: unreliable - used by women much older than me who have lower natural fertility

No sex: No sex (unless one partner has medical prob) - this will erode marriage etc. Not a good option. Should I really be celibate from 32?

I haven't blackmailed or abused him btw - I am venting on here, not at him. I am not laying on pressure, guilt trips etc.

'she cannot railroad her dh into doing something he doesnt want to do' - good, so the obverse is true - she doesn't have to have sex as she may get pregnant and he can't railroad her into it.

I cannot believe the amount of brainwashed women on here who think the OP should take sole responsibility for contraception, and to leave her poor ickle dh alone. I hope if you have ds's, you're not going to bring them up to see contraception as a female responsibility.

The OP's dh is a complete wuss. The side effects of sterilisation for women can have long term side-effects; whereas a vasectomy involves a couple of weird feeling tugs and swollen balls for a week, or so dh tells me.

What about the implant? Is that hormones again?

You could still have a sex life but just not pentrative sex. Or there's always anal...no chance of getting pg again using that channel!

implant = hormones, yes

OP - can you find out if any of his friends / your friends have had it done? When DH was thinking about it (we've got 2 DSs, and are both absolutely sure our family's complete) it really helped that several of our friends had had vasectomies. Not only did it reassure him that it needn't be that painful, it also "normalised" it in a way - it's what responsible men in his situation do. There was no medical reason why we shoudn't carry on with hormonal contraception, but he felt it was "his turn". He had it done a few months ago, and everything's fine. It is your DHs choice, but do your best to make sure it's an informed one!

I am at everyone's idea of moving on to oral and anal sex.... sounds like a win-win for DH!?

While I think she shouldn't pressure her DH into a vasectomy, I also believe it is her absolute right to not have any sort of sex she doesn't want to have.

I am not too keen at the moment because I am afraid of getting pregnant (even with condoms), we will work it out between us, but no way would I have sex if I didn't want to, for any reason at all and DH knows that he would be in serious shit if he tried to pressure me.

My DH had the snip, I held his hand whilst he underwent the op He watched my two C sections, I was merely returning the gesture of support (plus I love watching surgical programmes)

With vasectomy you can be retested to see if their sperm count still zero,they wank into a cup. With female sterilisation you find out its failed by getting pregnant.

No-brainer for us as a couple.

There's probably far more chance of getting pregnant after anal sex than after vasectomy! At least the leakage after vasectomy doesn't contain any sperm.

There is a 2% chance of pregnancy using condoms - there is a .002% chance after a clear vasectomy - it's a huge difference.

Vasectomy failure usually happens due to impatience, not waiting until all samples have cleared etc. it can take 12 months for some men to get the all clear, the older the man, the slower he is to clear in general, my DH was 44 and it took 8 months and a lot of sex to get him clear - this 20 ejaculations rubbish they spout is dangerous imho.

Fiofio I am not using them wrong, I have put a condom on and had many partners who have put it on I had a snapped condom on most of them regardless as to who put it on and they all said it had never happened to them before.

Most of the time I realize because you feel it snap I can't see them all getting it wrong can you? maybe I have a weird shape or something .

Purpletrees I know just how you are feeling. I am currently in my 2nd unplanned pregnancy(4th overall), luckily easy pregnancies.

We had decided no more kids and then I had ovarian cysts and the implant was to blame. for 6 months we managed with non-penetrative sex and I still managed to get pregnant with dc3. We discussed options and he was adamant no snip and I was against sterilization. After dc3 was born I went on the pill and I am pregnant again. when I told dp he said he would have the snip but he still has not gone to the drs and I am due in 8 weeks.
My dr has advised against any long term contraception such as the injection and implant and I am allergic to condoms.
I'm not happy about going back on the pill as I know our family is complete.

He doesn't like the idea of being 'messed about with' either. equally the thought of no sex doesn't appeal. He knows sex will be off the menu for a couple of months after baby is born so he has a perfect window to get the snip and be pronounced clear he is just putting it off.

I don't think he is being 'forced' into it and it is his body but he knows he is finished making babies so why shouldn't he shoulder the responsibility of contraception?
Contraception has been seen as the womans duty for too long.

Contraception is a joint responsibility - that is so obvious it shouldn't need saying.

But unprotected penetrative sex is not the only alternative to his having a vasectomy here.

I think comments that lambast the OP's OH for being a coward and so on are unhelpful and spiteful.

Yes barmyarmy contraception is a joint responsibility but it is far easier for a man 'in general' to walk away from any unwanted pregnancies.
I have been on hormonal contraception for 20+ years whilst dp has worn maybe a few dozen condoms, and moaned about it.
It is his time to take the responsibility now and the only way a man can take responsibility and continue with a normal penetrative sex life is to have a vasectomy.

Maybe the OP's dh is being a coward, we don't know his true reasoning

Hang on a sec, sex isn't like air or water, we can do without it - even us fellas, believe it or not!

Condoms are a perfectly acceptable alternative and, if the man complains about them, tough.