AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

YANBU.
I will be having this conversation with DH after DC2 is born. For me it seems perfectly obvious that this is the best choice, but I doubt he will see it that way. As for "his body, his choice", well yes, but I have put my body through two hellish pgs and (so far) one hellish birth, in order to achieve the result of (touch wood) 2 DCs that we both wanted, since there was obviously no choice in the matter if we wanted to have kids. Now I feel it's the least he could do. As someone else put it brilliantly above, "I've taken 2 for the team, now it 's your turn!".

It's what responsible, decent and caring men do, a completely unselfish act for the benefit of the person they are meant to love most in the world.

My DH could have taken that attitude, said that as I was mid 40's and not going to be fertle for very much longer then it was a bit pointless, but he knew that I was suffering, bleeding one week out of three due to my coil, hormonal contraception was not suitable as I'm at elevated risk of breast cancer as it is. Neither of us fancied using condoms for the next 5+ years, so he volunteered for the snip.

Like I said before, some men are selfish and some aren't.

While I certainly am against forcing anyone into a surgical procedure, it was incredibly tactless for your husband to cite fear of having his body messed about with, to you, given your past pregnancies. But all that's been said.

If vasectomy is off the table still, what about using a diaphragm+spermicide and a condom?

There's also the femidom, which he might prefer to standard male condoms.

Otherwise, the only option is to tell him you're going to exercise your right to refuse to have insufficiently protected sex. (Not trying to be nasty there. I'm just remembering people telling me as a teenager that I was entitled to refuse to have sex if a boyfriend refused to use a condom.) Which, as you've already covered, isn't a particularly pleasant option for you, either. Unless he gives in very quickly, at least.

its not as though condoms or the snip are the only 2 options. what about the pill oe the coil plus condoms? that would pretty much eradicate the risks you are concerned about without anyone having to have drastic surgery they dont really want.

It is his body, so of course it is his choice. I would not take well to someone else instructing me to do such a thing. But I also feel that as a couple, you should make the contraceotive choice that is best for both of you, and you should make it together.

Maybe he just needs a little time to get used to the idea. IMO, condoms are not enough on their own. Most people do not use them perfectly and the failure rate is not good enough for me.

Maybe you should ask him - what would he think if you got pregnant? I mean, can you imagine that if you were to tell him that you were pregnant, what would his first thought be? Would it be "I should have had the vasectomy"? Because there's no need now, if your husband is anything like mine - as long as the status quo is maintained.

What FioFio said.

Hmmmm... his body, his choice; as in woman's body, woman's choice when it comes to abortion, no?

You could try some form of natural family planning, WITH diaphragm+spermicide WITH condoms.

Then, in order for pregnancy to occur, the condom has to break, the semen has to get round the diaphragm (if spermicide doesn't stop it) and to top off, maybe there's no egg around to fertilise.

I'm assuming the IUD is off, due to the increased ectopic risk, right?

Note to other people, OP cannot use hormonal contraception. That means no pill, (I assume both combined and progesterone-only are out for OP- wouldn't recommend POP anyway, failure rate higher than combined hormone pill), no mirena coil or other IUS, no implant, no patch, no vaginal ring.

purpletrees - under the particular health circumstances you face then yes your DH should have a vasectomy.

However, I would just like to temper some of the comments here.

There is a 10-30% chance that any man having a vasectomy will suffer long term pain and side effects. Please read this thread on vasectomy and in particular the posts scottishmumof2/nethermind/mookle from 15:32 onwards describing the severe impact on their DHs.

A vasectomy is not a risk free operation and it is a matter of balancing risks and trading them off. The medical profession does not adequately describe the risks and after care for men where it goes wrong is very poor. These facts are swept under the carpet.

Men have to take mre responsibility for contraception - but they have a right to express concerns where risk is apparent.

When you have a family, sacrifices are required. You (OP) have already made huge sacrifices with your own body to provide your family with two lovely children. I actually think that you are entitled to ask your DH to step up and do his bit for you - his vasectomy will be a small thing compared to chldbirth and he has the gall to talk about people messing with his body!

For me, it would be no vasectomeny, no sex. You are both entitled to your choices and if he chooses to wuss out, he wouldn't be coming near me!

It's absolutely his body his choice, in the sense that he shouldn't be pressured into it.

But it's still a decision that affects both partners - just as, in a loving mutually respectful relationship, I would expect to discuss whether to terminate or continue a pregnancy with my husband. At the end of the day, the decision lies with the person whose body it is, obviously, but that doesn't mean that the pros and cons of the decision can't be debated by the people it affects. "his body his choice" is nonsense in the context of the OP's question - no-one has ever said that the maxim "her body her choice" means that the woman shouldn't take into account her partner's opinion!

OP, I ran this past my husband (who is 35, I'm 32) and his opinion is "oh ffs just have the snip you big wussbag". In your circumstances, I do think it's unreasonable for him not to. It's his choice and obviously he shouldn't be bullied, but that goes for any AIBU - we're just debating the abstract principle. Your risks around pregnancy are much greater than most women. You can't use contraception except barrier methods, which have a higher failure rate than hormonal methods. It's not reasonable to ask you to go without vaginal intercourse for the rest of your fertile years. The only logical solution is vasectomy.

As an aside, I am blown away by the number of women on here saying "well he won't get any sex then that'll teach him" and the like, as if you, OP, don't want to have (vaginal) sex for your own selfish sake! Fuck, are we still in the mindset of sex-as-bartering-method? Really?

Femidoms are like bread bags!
We tried them many years ago, god they are truly awful, if a man doesn't like condoms, he certainly won't like those.

But I don't get this "my body my choice, end of" thing. I really don't feel like I had any "choice" in the matter over being the one who had to be pg and give birth... it was/is an evil and necessary means to an end we both wanted. Yes obviously I could have refused to do it / I wasn't forced into doing it by DH but I did something I wouldn't necessarily have "chosen" to do and really didn't want to do (the pg and birth bit, not the having kids bit), for the best for both of us. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect one's DH to do the same? (And not even the same, I don't think the snip even BEGINS to compare with what women go through.)

Agree with Harpy, if it was your H here complaining that his wife didn't want to have an operation to stop the risk of getting pregnant, he could expect nothing less that a good bashing.

You want the sex, don't want the risk. Your body, your choice. You still can say "no" to his advances. (I know, unrealistic answer but you are also as responsible as him wrt avoiding a pregnancy).

He doesn't want to have surgery, neither do you, and neither of you want to adapt sex to reduce the risk...

Flip a coin?

Oh come on Beenbeta - scottishmums's husband broke down in tears because 2 nurses saw him naked FFs! A prime candidate for psychological issues following the procedure.

Money is the answer...

Malificence- are they? Dammit, looks like my info is incorrect. Bloody marketing propaganda...

Any possibility that experimenting with femidoms will make condoms seem more pleasant. Mind, I suppose that still won't solve the OP's concern that a condom might fail. (I acknowledge femidoms might fail- for I have never read they don't.)

Perhaps you could write a list of all options and consequences beside and let him pick.
Looking at it in black and white may force him to actually think about the situation rather than give a kneejerk No response.

If you were sufficiently passive aggressive you could write "don't want my body messed with" beside the pregnancy, female sterilization, pill, coil etc options.

Agree with FioFio & BarmyArmy.

And calling men (or women for that matter) cowards, wimps and selfish because they won't undergo a medical procedure isn't fair. Doesn't matter what procedure it is.

YADNB!

Put the lid on the honey pot!

StableButDeluded - quite so. If a man called a woman a wimp/selfish or a coward for seeking pain relief in labour, he would be howled down, principally because it is something he will never experience himself.

Ladies, you will never experience a vasectomy or the potential pain associated therewith so, whilst you are naturally entitled to express opinions on the issue and the options available to the OP, insulting her OH (and other men) only debases your viewpoints, in my view.

"If a man called a woman a wimp/selfish or a coward for seeking pain relief in labour, he would be howled down, principally because it is something he will never experience himself."

I see no post where anyone has suggested he have the op without pain relief

Slushy - no, that isn't the point I was trying (and failing, clearly!) to make. A vasectomy can leave a man's private parts UNBELIEVABLY painful.

The point I was trying to make is that this sensation is something that no-one other than a man can ever know and that for a woman to call a man such terms (from a position of ignorance) is wrong/unhelpful/childish (take your pick).

Let's not get into a battle over pain tolerances between the sexes - the fact is, no-one can ever truly know what the other gender's pain experience is like.

There is nothing to a vasectomy but sterilisation of a woman is a major operation. Jerk!