AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

YABU because it is his body and if he was trying to persuade you to be sterilised that would also be unreasonable.

If you feel that strongly you should take responsibility and be sterilised yourself or have a coil fitted.

I was sterilized and my DH was too. His wasn't straight forward and nor was mine. I had to be resuscitated during the procedure when I lost my heartbeat and blood pressure. We are absolutely fine now but it was a very definite risk that we both took.

If your DH's best mate holds the same view as him, I wonder if there's a certain amount of peer pressure going on. I know they are old enough to know better but let's face it - in some areas men never grow up.

I think it has to be his decision at the nd of the day, but he is being very unreasonable to not fully investigate it and come to an informed decision rather than a knee-jerk (or heavily influenced) one.

FWIW my DH has also refused to have the snip - 2 of his friends have had it done and whilst they didn't suffer horrendous problems both found it considerably more uncomfortable for a lot longer afterwards than they were expecting.

It is very difficult to get female sterilisation on the NHS (although your situation sounds like it may well be one of the few they would consider). I asked and was told it was only available if no other alternatives were viable, and in my case would not be able have one due to previous abdominal surgeries.

'Why would it be more likely if you've had the snip? '

Well, no, ectopic pregnancy is not a consequence of the snip, which renders a man infertile.

It is more likely if a woman who has been sterilised falls pregnant because the procedure to sterilise a female is to block an egg, fertilised or not, from descending to the uterus from her Fallopian tubes - by cutting or putting rings or clamps on them, or in the Essure procedure, by introducing a rod into each one and causing scar tissue to be produced.

Ectopic pregnancy results when a fertilised egg embeds itself somewhere other than the uterus. If the fallopian tubes have been blocked/removed but the ovaries are still functioning then it stands to reason that an egg could still be fertilised and that without the fallopian tube to travel down will embed itself where it can be that in the stump of a remaining tube or elsewhere.

After my ectopic I got pregnant from the tubeless side but miscarried and, if you visit the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust's pages you will be able to read of other women who've got pregnant without any tubes (which is what female sterilisation equates to).

'able to read of other women who've got pregnant without any tubes (which is what female sterilisation equates to). '

Sort of. But the tubes are blocked in female sterilisation, not removed.

'The snip' is generally a term for male sterilisation, not female.

66% of marriages / ltrs with kids end in divorce/separation.

If he is around 32 years... what if you did split up and he then met another woman that wanted kids ?

A guy later in life with kids is a coward if he wont have this done and it is a good option in terms of the relationship he is in or seeks.