AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

Yes, we want all men to undergo vasectomy with no pain relief whatsoever.

A man may not be able to imagine the pain a woman goes through in labour but a woman who has given birth knows that the pain of vasectomy is far less than squeezing a baby from your vagina and subsquent tearing/episiotomy / being stitched up again .

My husband's vasectomy didn't hurt, at all, it was the swelling and bruising afterwards that caused him pain, nothing that ice and ibuprofen couldn't handle though, and he had a bad time compared with everyone else we know who's had one - he said that having wisom teeth out was far worse, and as i have had that too, I know what it feels like.

Giving birth and having a vasectomy are in no way comparable, pain wise. The only pain a man will suffer that is similar would be passing a kidney stone or similar.

OP: I think YANBU, and I'm afraid I also agree with your that your H is being extremely cruel, or at the least, extremely selfish and lacking in consideration.

It is his body, his choice - but it's your joint marital happiness that's at stake. Much as you might (1) discuss a potential pregnancy with him, (2) take into account his feelings and the state of your partnership, but (3) ultimately get the final say because it's your body - it sounds like that's the same kind of approach you want from him.

I think maybe you're feeling upset because he's NOT taking into account your medical and emotional state at the moment, and simply refusing to discuss options - so he's skipping straight to step (3) which is not only not how you'd thought your marriage works, but also seems to make your own sufferings with pregnancy and childbirth to be diminished contributions to your family life.

I feel for you. Is there any way you can get him to talk about this (relate, at the GP's office, to friends who've had the procedure done?) which might make him realise that he's actually being very unkind to you and his family by ignoring steps (1) and (2) of this discussion?

Well I don't think it matters either way which is more painful, Point is I have done two, buggered my figure while his remains unchanged and won't do a third, I think he should do the third as there is a choice.

As I said I have always been unable to have coils or hormone therapy and since my prolapse barrier methods are painful for me during sex (if you search my name you will see threads on this) so if my dp would not have the op then I would not have sex which is painful with barrier's and puts me at risk of permanently destroying my vagina.

You are implying that women don't have sympathy for men who are in pain, which is completely untrue, I was very sympathetic and understanding to my husband's pain and discomfort, precisely because I knew what it felt like to be stitched up / swollen / bruised - I had lots of stitches due to tearing and after his snip, my husband had far greater understanding of the pain and discomfort I went through - bearing in mind that he had 2 stitches and I had at least 20.

No-one is undermining what can be a very painful procedure for a man, we are simply pointing out that the procedure and the risks associated with it are far less than those either giving birth of being sterilised.

MeAndMyKid - Thanks for that contribution.

Malificence - yes, I think it is the post-operative phase (i.e. where one has no anaesthetic) that is the most painful.

Having seen the effect of a misplaced hand (my sister tripped and landed on my Father, post-op) on a recently vasectomied (??!) scrotum, I don't think the pain is the same as that in childbirth.

Childbirth pain makes one scream/shout/swear/curse etc etc - what I saw involved going white as a sheet, sweating profusely and curling up into a small ball and wimpering quietly like an injured puppy.

So no, not the same - easier/worse - we will never know.

I thought the op said her dh moaned about using condoms.

I feel for you having two difficult pregnancies and births - the birth of my son was no picnic either! - but don't agree that he is being selfish. YANBU in asking the question, and with anything in a relationship such a request should at least be considered, but it wasn't as if you were made to have his children - presumably you wanted to as much as he did? So to compare having children to having a vasectomy is unfair. The only comparison to vasectomy for a man is for a woman to be sterilised.

Close friends of ours are currently having this debate themselves and even withdrawing sex completely hasn't made him change his mind!

I think strawberrycake's suggestion though. Perhaps your GP can offer some alternatives you haven't considered.

Hope it gets resolved some for you.

A man shouldn't have to be forced into it, he should be volunteering to do it for the good of wife's health and wellbeing, using condoms will lead to unnecessary worry every single month while waiting for her period to arrive.

Condoms are only normally used as contraception when it doesn't really matter if failure occurs, as a stop gap to space out pregnancies - the OP is looking at another 20 years of monthly worry if her H continues with his selfish obstinacy - that's not conducive to a healthy sex life or relationship.

Not thread all the thread, but quite a bit of it.... Can the OP get her tubes tied? Would that be an alternative solution?

i was in a very similar position after the birth of dc3 - we were absolutely certain that we didnt want any more dc (i had serious heart problems with last 2 pregnancies) but dh refused to have a vasectomy. He had his reasons which i felt were valid and since i was so desperate to never have to worry about being pregnant again i happily went to be sterilised. I was also only 32.

It was a day case operation - was only in hospital for 4 hours, came home, went to bed and woke up the next morning absolutely fine.

i could have argued for months with dh and he'd never have changed his mind and in the meantime every time we had sex i'd have nto enjoyed it for fear of getting pregnant!

or i could do something about it! and i'm so glad i did!

Fio, that would be the worst, not to mention the most insulting reason of all!

I totally agree with Mal

YANBU, he is being completely selfish to not even consider it and the whole 'his body his choice' argument is rubbish. It's 'your' body 'your 'health which will be compromised again if you end up pregnant. A vasectomy is a fairly minor procedure when measured against many other types of surgery - if he has genuine phobias about pain etc, there can be addressed prior to the procedure through counselling, hypnotherapy etc. But to not even CONSIDER it is selfish beyond belief.

childbirth pain does not necessarily make you scream shout and curse

No-one can understand anothers experience of pain, even if they are the same sex and it was the same thing causing the pain. Just look at the threads on here about childbirth to see there is a hugely wide range of experience.

I am finding these comparisons a bit odd.

Also, his body his choice. Well duuuur. Her body her choice. Also durrrrr. The fact that people are saying the OP is not even allowed to express her displeasure/try to persuade him/give him some more information etc on the basis his body his choice and sauce for the goose etc. Presumably are labouring under the impression that when women become pregnant when men do not want them to the men invariably say "whatever you think and I will support you 100%". Um no, a lot of the time that is not what happens.

The OP would be U to force him into having an operation - but she can;t can she, that would be illegal She is not at all unreasonable to be pissed off with his seemingly knee-jerk and thoughtless response, and to try to persuade him to change his mind.

BarmyArmy - what you witnessed in your last post was an acute pain reaction to your father being hit in the scrotum. It really isn't helpful to compare that to labour, which goes on for hours and hours.

Why are we comparing pain? so women have babies so what, thats a fact of life, does that mean men have to be punished for it?

I dont think anyone should be made to go through a medical procedure (however small) if they dont want to, and certainly not to compensate for a womans pain in labour

'well woman have to go through labour so why shouldnt me suffer too' no one should have to suffer, some things are just human nature (like labour)

No-one said it was to compensate for a women's pain in labour. It's to prevent another pregnancy.

YABVU.

His body his choice.

My DH told me when we got married that he would never ever under any circumstances have one and I think thats his right.

re: the coil - have you tried one to see if its possible or are you just worried about that you might get increased bleeding?

re: you being sterilised - have you discussed the various methods with a doctor as some methods have lower ectopic rates than others.

Presumably you have also ruled out using a diaphram?

Can't think of any other non hormonal methods?

But he won't even consider it. That's the unreasonable part.

Who's saying that vasectomy is used as a punishment?

It's simply the simplest and most effective way of ensuring that a couple who want no more children, have no more children.

Men who are "afraid" of it are ignorant of what it actually is/does for the most part - they hear one horror story down the pub and close their minds down to rationality.

Do you know how many horror stories surrounding birth women get to hear? It's a good job we don't put off quite so easily now, isn't it?

Quite

No person looks forward to a vasectomy (or any kind of operation) and all things being equal a person should have sole say over what happens to their own body. But all things are not equal in this case. For most people, if a condom fails they have the option of a morning after pill as back up. The OP doesn't have this. She has suffered in ways that she couldn't have predicted and for her, normal methods of contraception are problematic. Her husband seems to want everything his own way. He doesn't want more babies, but rather than make as certain as possible that he doesn't get his wife pregnant, he will risk her physical health and cause her worry every month using something that is not 100% effective. Why should the OP have to be responsible for everything. She is in a marriage, a partnership and it's time for him to be a partner and protect his wife and do his share

if you def don't want any more kids a snip has to be preferable to decades of condoms, surely.