AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

Poor old (maybe not-so-old!) purpletrees!

There are quite a few reliable contraceptive methods open to you, I think (apart form the 'dreaded' vasectomy!)
The Mirena coil has a far lower fail rate (inc ectopic) than the copper one, and a better bleeding profile too. The hormone load is minimal throughout your body generally as it is already in the right place to do its job.
There's also a new vaginal 'ring' which sits at the top of the cagina near the cervix - again good success rates and a low 'body-wide' hormone effect(and apparently neither of you can feel it!).
You'd have to check with your own doctor, but i would suspect that both of these wouldn't have any effect on the clotting etc worries of your pregnancies.
Try searching 'NHS choices' website for contraceptive options....and also the website for the faculty of reproductive medicine and sexual health - think that's right but you'll have to google it!
Good luck!

Can't decide if you are being unreasonable but if the stats on pain etc. post operation are true then I guess it's worrying for a guy to take the risk.

Haven't read all thread so maybe myth that the cap is for "older less fertile women" has been tackled but if not...
Used it throughout my twenties with no failures. You have to use it properly, with spermicide and extra spermicidal pessaries if you have sex again within a certain amount of time.
No good if you turn out allergic to the spermicide but good otherwise.
Depends on your internal shape so an experienced "fitter" needs to tell you if your cervix is covered.

Around ovulation, if you are still worried, get him to pull out to cum as well as having the cap in.

Sammyuni - unquestionably sex without condom with DP is more pleasing than with condom

my OH does not want any more children if it was me or anyone else.....he has made the choice to have the snip.

secretly i'm gutted, but i love my OH more than the world....so i support his decsion.

his body his choice

My dh had the snip about five years ago, with the normal experience of a couple of days of pain and swelling. We decided that it was the way to go fairly soon after dd was born, but it took his two or three years to get round to it, during which time he really didn't want me to go back on the pill (he felt I'd been on it for too many years before we had children and that it might be bad for me) so we used a combination of condoms and withdrawal. I found it incredibly stressful, as I was always worrying, and it was so unnecessary. In the end I went and had a depo injection, which was great for the months I was on it, and then crap after it wore off, as I had the equivalent of four periods in a row.

When he finally did get done it was such a huge relief, and our sex life really improved.

For some good research links this site isn't bad: www.vasectomy-information.com/moreinfo/risks.htm it's not clear who produces it, but the links to research papers are good because you get the whole paper to read. It looks like the research on long term affects of the snip with regard to pain is generally not very good quality, which is why there is such a variation in the stats quoted on this thread.

Hi,

At the end of the day it is his body and only he can make the decision to have the snip or not. I dont think it is fair to try to make him do it.

My oh is having the snip, and I am being sterilised (we are taking no chances!) when number four is born in a few weeks. But we made the decision together. If he had said no, then no it would be, and we would have to find an alternative, even if it meant no sex.

It is his body, so his choice. However do I think he's being fair on you? No. However, biology isn't fair. Women suffer the effects of pregnancy. My DH had a vasectomy 2 months ago. I also had two hellish pregnancies, and the chances of me surviving another one are only 50/50. So an accidental pregnancy would most probably lead to either my death/long term health issues, or termination. Neither idea was very attractive. I am extremely proud of DH for taking the decision to have surgery on his genitals while conscious to protect my health and our marriage. I'm also very grateful that he took the decision himself. I wouldn't have pushed him in to it. You are in a very difficult position, IMO. I do wonder if all your DH is hearing is 'Let someone chop up your nads while you watch, because I have suffered!!'. Perhaps try bigging up the virtues of an unfettered sex life, and also ask him how he'd feel if he got you pregnant again. Maybe he's only hearing confrontation, and not the valid reasons why you think he should consider it.

loving the comparison between abortion and vasectomy. not really the same thing is it. unless you're a rabid catholic i suppose.

I haven't read all the thread.

However I was in a similar situation and when my gyne appointment came up he realised I was serious about being sterilised, and it shocked him into offering to have the snip instead.

For men it really is a quick procedure, outpatient etc and quick recovery. Make sure he knows for you it would be more risky (general anaesthetic, overnight stay, one week to recover).

I think as women we have to undergo a lot so it's time the men had their share (have personally had a miscarriage, D&C, one natural birth and one CS. And two full-term pregnancies, one of which was hideous).

dh had his on Thursday under General anaesthetic (which I dont really understand why it was General rather than local but put Dh's mind at ease anyway as he was worried if it had been local he might have twitched or moved at an unfortunate moment) and so he is a bit black and blue and sore, but he tells me he is overall ok. Have been trying to make him take it easy and he is resting in bed at the mo as we've just come back from a walk around town.

For us it was a decision we made together, I was unwell and unable to do much for both of my pregnancies and feel it would have been unfair to my children to have gone through another pregnancy as I couldn't do much with ds when pregnant with dd. Dh actually was the one who brought up the subject to have it done so it is very different for us than the OP. we talked about whether we both wanted this but when it boiled down to it I felt it was his decision to whether he had it done or not.

Just watch tho as the snip is also not necessarily 100% from what I hear and also it needs to be checked after 6 months to see if it is working or not..... So for complete carefree it may be you still need to think of condoms as well but worth looking into.....

I haven't read whole thread - just last two pages. I completely agree with naturelover.

In addition, to the very valid point naturelover makes, women do end up taking responsibility for contraception pre-child because, in some ways it is easier for them to take a pill. However, taking a pill is also "messing with your body".

Also, you have to consider what the consequence of getting pregnant by accident again is. If it means that you would have to have a termination, I would ask, why do you have to put yourself through that and he suffers nothing, again?

I think he is being a bit selfish.

Thanks everyone for the further responses, all going to DH for a balanced discussion at some point.

Absolutely PMSL at SkittlesAreFruitGroup Sat 10-Jul-10 12:29:07:

However, his best friend, who also does not want any more DC, refuses to have the snip. Doesn't want to research, and, despite being a grown-up 40 year old, is scared his 'pieces' might not function.

Imagine - i think he put more effort into researching his picks for his World Cup bets.

Exactly the same as my DH.

IF DH had refused, I would have withheld sex. Of course it's his right not to get a vasectomy, and it's your right not to get pregnant. So if he won't sort out the reliable contraception, it's his problem, not yours.

I can't believe how so many men can be such wankers about getting vasectomies after seeing what women go through.

So if he's determined to be a wanker, a wanker is indeed what he will have to be to get any sexual satisfaction, IMO!

My other half, who is a GP and does know the stats, has absolutely refused to ever have the snip. I think his point of view has been affected by seeing a few men for whom things really did go badly (one, for instance, requiring an orchiectomy to resolve chronic pain i.e. had his balls cut off). Guess it's the same reason that doctors are generally quite medically risk-averse ... by definition they see more of the complicated cases and very few of the simple ones.

We've decided to use fertility awareness plus barrier/abstinence during my fertile time. Must stress that I'm only happy to use FAM after considerable experience charting.

Are you being unreasonable to want him to look into having the snip? No. I think a serious discussion is what you need and deserve. He needs to respect your point of view just as you will respect his right to have the final say over his own body. Good luck!

timetosmile: The OP has stated that she cannot use hormonal contraception. So recommending Mirena and vaginal rings is not really helpful.

FrozenNorth That is a horrific story!!!!! That poor man.

We are doing the same as you FAM/Billings Method and condoms leading up to and immediately after ovulation. I have about seven years experience of this and am confident in this method.

I am always surprised that not more people use it but I accept it can be seen as a hassle and not relible.

reliable

'I am always surprised that not more people use it but I accept it can be seen as a hassle and not relible.'

That's probably why more people don't use them.

I'll probably be flamed for saying this but - pregnancy and birth is a NATURAL process for a woman. However, a vasectomy is a MAN-MADE, surgical procedure. Vasectomies have been known to leave some men in agony for a long time.

I got sterilised because I was still equally responsible for the contraception even though I have had 2 LOs.

Could you make an appt with your GP/FPC and get info on other methods and explain the situation to whoever you speak to. They may come up with other suggestions.

'I got sterilised because I was still equally responsible for the contraception even though I have had 2 LOs.'

Female sterilisation is also a man-made surgical procedure that has the potential to not just leave a woman in agony, but with a potentially life-threatening condition, too.

There are a few deaths every year as a result of complications from tubal litigation too - compared with none yet recorded for vasectomies.

What a selfish knob.

If he wants to be like that why not just give up sex - well, with him at least? I doubt he'll go much on that idea.

Sex is overrated and boring anyway, particularly with someone you've been married to for yonks It's only ever really hot and exciting with someone new.

If you really can't stomach the idea of giving up sex for good then take a lover. I advise advertising for one that's had a vasectomy in your local small ads columns.

Good luck but in your shoes there's no way I'd be putting out for a selfish knob like him.

Yes, and so is death during childbirth. Or endless health complications during pregnancy. The whole point of medicine is to get between us and nature, isn't it?

But nothing about contraception is natural, rockermom - did you get sterilised because of the man-made nature of a vasectomy? How natural is female sterilisation?