AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

Your body, your choice....I was told not to have any more children after ds, and went back on the pill. Back came the migraines and the weight gain, so I came off it, and we used condoms. Dh not keen on them, so he had a choice, and got the snip.

It is great, there are no worries about contraception, and everything functions normally.

If it is your body, your choice, then don't have sex if you don't want to get pregnant. You have had your body messed with by pregnancy; you don't want to screw it up further with coils etc (totally understandable), and contraception should be a joint responsibility and not just the woman's. Men are sooo lazy on this one. He'll get the message fairly fast; just stick to your guns.

i think YABU, i think the fact that your pregnacies were awful is irrelavant and you are using this to emotionally blackmail him into doing something he doesnt want to do!

Would you consider have your tubes tied instead?

Maybe that might give you some insight into how he is feeling?

I´m actually with Malificence here & think I would have divorced my husband for being a wimp tbh.

After our second we didn´t want more, I didn´t want to use hormonal contraceptives, he didn´t want to use condoms long term.

I was at home with 2 young children-much the easiest thing for him to do it.

Yes, it is his body, but a couple want a baby-there´s no choice but it be the woman.

Permanent sterilisation-could be either-but it´s more straightforward for the man, isn´t it?

Vinny - The fact that my pregnancies were awful is the critical point!!! Getting pregnant would mean I would not be able to look after either of my children at all. They would have to have full time care from someone else for the entire pregnancy. It is nothing to do with blackmail - it's just a simple fact. He doesn't want them to not have a mother for 9 months, but he is not prepared to ensure this doesn't happen.

Lucy - the problem with me having my tubes tied is the ectopic risk. I am very fertile and only 32.

YANBU - you have had to go through some rough pregnancies - think this is very relevant and he should just get on with it.

but having the snip is not the only form of contraception out there, its something you both need to discuss without bringing the emotions of your past pregancies into it, or you are just going to make him feel bullied into it, i know i would

Lucy85, she has already cited why she doesn't want her tubes tied and it is a more invasive procedure.

SexydomesticatedDad, I like your attitude!

but what form of contraception is appropriate?

Lucy - my understanding is that the two process are not comparable. Female sterilisation is more invasive and carries more risks than male sterilisation.

OP - I think your DH is being incredibly selfish. Can you book a joint appointment with your GP to discuss options and hope that when the Dr confirms how dangerous all the options you have are, that he will agree?

Barmy - why must contraception always be the responsibility of the woman?

DH is going to have the snip once we've completed our family, he has already said that he will with no prompting from me.

do some research, speak to your gp, find out what contraception is best for you both

you may never get a form of contraception that is 100% proof, even vasectomies can fail, the only way to stop you ever getting pg again is to not have penetrive sex

It really does have to comew down to "his body, his choice".

I would be be unimpressed if DH started pressuring me to do something to my body if I didn't want to.

Mayor Quimby, presumably that means you are happy to have further children then?

Or do you see it as the woman's job to prevent pregnancy, as it's her problem?

There is no logical reason for a man not to have a vasectomy when he is certain that he doesn't want any more children.

Vinny what else would you suggest? Pill, coil are both out. Condoms not reliable enough (although we've used them successfully but wouldn't want to rely on them if there were health reasons why I shouldn't get pregnant). What other options are there?

Aliba that is something the OP is going to have to research for herself, she cannot railroad her dh into doing something he doesnt want to do because it is the only choice left, there are always other options, they will have to come to a compromise, her gp is the best person to advise her about alternatives, not me.

The only noticeable side effects are a little less fluid and lots more opportunity.

Vasectomy failure rates are less than 1/2000 ( after full clearance that is)
it's by far the most effective means of contraception, 10 times more effective than female sterilisation.

I guess it boils to this: a man is either selfish,or he isn't.

Vinny - the bottom line is that there is no suitable alternative for us I think. The GP doesn't have a magic wand! If nobody on here knows a suitable method, the GP won't either.

I can't say I've noticed less fluid SDD, only when we've been at it more than usual.

Normally I would say you are being unreasonable. But in this case I think your husband really needs to sort him self out. Why should you endanger your health because he is being a wimp?

I would say no sex till he gets "fixed".

What about the contraceptive implant? My friend has had one (lasts about 2 yrs I think?) and swears by it, no side effects etc. It just goes under the skin in her upper arm? Or does that count as hormonal... not really an expert. (Obviously, being pregnant and all. )

Purple - Is he basically ignorant about vasectomy, does he actually know all the pertintent facts?

There are videos of the procedure on the Marie Stopes site ( I think) strangely enough my DH didn't want to watch it, even though he was perfectly happy to have it done - he knew that I researched it to the nth degree and if I was happy for him to go ahead then he was too.

Oooh, or a diaphragm?

no doubt hubby will be sorting himself out - if he doesn't get it sorted.