AIBU about wanting DH to have a vasectomy

[purpletrees]

Will try to be brief.

Married 10 yrs, have DS and DD, neither of us want any more children. We have discussed this at length and we are both quite certain, even in the scenerio we ended up divorced and with different partners - we are happy with DS and DD.

Both my pregnancies were 8 months of utter hell - complications, numerous hospital visits - DH has described my condition whilst pregnant as "something out of the exorcist". I was totally incapacitated both times and had to have full time care (provided on a live in basis by my mother and other family member doing as much as they could). Both my kids were delivered as borderline prems and DS had to have quite a few hospital visits as a baby. Kids now 4 and 2 with no lasting effects. I am back to health.

Due to the complications that I suffered, I can take no form of hormonal contraception whatsoever. We are currently using condoms and I would like DH to get a vasectomy because I am conerned about the long term reliability of condoms. I am only 32 and despite the problems I had in pregnancy, both DCs were conceived very easily so it is reasonable to believe that I am pretty fertile still. I think that if I had a sterlisiation myself (I would be prepared to undergo the operation, pain, recovery etc), the risk of me having an ectopic pregnancy is extremely worrying - I am a SAHM providing all care for the DCs whilst DH works very long hours. I think the solution is for DH to have a vasectomy, but he refuses to even discuss it saying that "he doesn't want his body messed with".

I know that's his right, but I just think it is extremely cruel for him not to consider it, not to investigate it at all just because he has made this statement. Given what I have gone through, I would have thought he could do this to protect my health. So...AIBU? I would not hesitate to protect him if the situation was reversed.

If I did become pregnant accidentally, I could not have a termination purely to prevent my own suffering. We could afford another DC and we could fit another DC in the house/car etc.

YAB Completely U, just as many of the people supporting you in this thread are being completely hypocritical. "His body, his choice". The end. Especially when you have a range of contraceptive options available that don't involve you trying to force your husband to undergo a medical procedure he doesn't want to.

Actually, Mal, Fio has a point. It's not a nice thought, but happy marriages don't always end in divorce ..... death can be another reason..... (Not picking an argument as I don't have an axe to grind with anyone, but just another way of looking at things).

A couple of general thoughts (as a guy).

Firstly, I do agree with the "his body, his choice" rule as a principle. If I wanted DW to do something to her body which she absolutely did not want to do for I would be very reluctant to ask her to do it even if it increased our mutual happiness.

Secondly, it is pointless in comparing it with childbirth in terms of pain or anything else as people implicitly do. Childbirth (certainly in the context of relationships in which a vasectomy is being considered) is an entirely mutual decision. It is also something which is very much contemplated and agreed throughout the relationship. It is certainly not the case that the woman is being made to do something she doesn't want to do.

Thirdly, childbirth is the only way to have a baby. If anyone else can think of a way to bring a baby into the world then congratulations, you're probably short listed for the Nobel prize. There are various alternatives to a vasectomy and certainly a combination of them makes the likelihood of pregnancy tiny (e.g. condom and coil/ diaphragm etc.)

Fourthly, a vasectomy should be considered permanent (as per all advice about it). You can never again have children. This, incidentally, is my main problem against it. Not, because you want to be able to have kids with someone else but if, god forbid, something happened to one of yours, you and DW's views on having further kids might change an awful lot. Equally, if anything (again, god forbid) happened to your partner, you may want to be in a position to have children with someone else. A vasectomy means that would not happen.

BUT

All that being said, given the OP's specific situation I'd expect her DH to give much more serious consideration to a vasectomy than the vast majority of guys. It may well be, of course, that he doesn't want to go ahead with it, but he should be considering it very carefully and not to do so (or even discuss it) does show a lack of consideration.

OP I could have written your post myself, I am in exactly the same boat, even my DC are the same age! DH point blank refuses to have the snip, won't even discuss it. I have considered being sterilised myself but it would be so much more straight forward for DH to have the snip then it would for me, but he won't budge so I fear I have no choice. The thought of being pregnant again terrifies me.

Karmabeliever's post is excellent.

Lemony, Fio, the OP says that in her discussions with her partner, they both agree that death/divorce/new partner would NOT incline either of them to more children.

"Childbirth (certainly in the context of relationships in which a vasectomy is being considered) is an entirely mutual decision. It is also something which is very much contemplated and agreed throughout the relationship. It is certainly not the case that the woman is being made to do something she doesn't want to do."

Well I certainly didn´t want to give birth, but accepted that it was something I would have to go through for us both to have children.

I´m sure I´m not the only one who feels like that-which I suppose I find it really odd when a man can´t accept that although he might not really want to do it, it is possibly the only option.

Precisely Karma. My dh stepped up and had it done, so that's why I think the OPs dh is being selfish and a wuss.

YANBU

Its his turn to take responsibility surely?

I would want some very good reasons why he shouldn't have a vasectomy in this scenario. Oh for the male pill...

Yanbu to be annoyed that he's refused vasectomy without even researching it.

I think it'd be quite different if he said "I've looked into it but the risks are too great and I'd prefer to carry on with condoms"

Diaphragm has a fairly high failure rate compared to most forms of contraception, I'd steep clear.

Am however curious as to how those people who posted about the implant thought it worked if they weren't sure it was hormonal?

I don't understand the point about "there's not just divorce there's death of a partner as well"

Does it mean that the OP should be sterilised, even though she is at high risk of ectopic pregnancy (which can kill you quite thoroughly), as the alternative is her DH divorcing her?

pill for men may not be that long.

I remember years ago a contraceptive injection for men that was being trialled, and was effective. They ditched it in the end though, as they realised that men would not use it in enough numbers to make it viable. The reason they did not want to use it was because they would not accept an (albeit temporary) interruption in viable sperm production.

What is boils down to is that mean are squeamish about this stuff, and rather precious about their sperm, and will happily put their female partners through much more damaging and invasive procedures so that they don't have to feel that their "virility" is in question.

I also don't get why people are jumping on the op.

The op and her dp have two courses of contraception open to them,

Condoms or vasectomy.

Condoms have a higher risk of pg which in the op case puts her out of action for 10months, horrific birth plus all the risks to being pg and giving birth, another child to care for. Worry every month over whether she is pg, the op does not want to use this method.

Vasectomy, unpleasant op, and risks associated with surgery dp does not want to use this method.

Yet his body argument does not apply to her, If he does not want a vasectomy fine if she does not want to have the worry and risk of another pg and the risks associated with using condoms why can't she say she does not wish to have sex with a condom?

These are the only two options available to the op.

from my male perspective IMO all this black and white 'his body his choice' stuff is a load of rubbish.

the only valid reason to absolutely rule out a vasectomy is when it is really important retain the option to have more children (in the event of separation, or death of partner) That is something to think about: Whatever the strengths of a marriage separation can happen, and accidents can happen and it might be very important for a young man to want to be able to have second family in those unwelcome circs.

Might be.
Might not be.

If it's not vitally important to you to be able to have a second family then ruling out a vasectomy because it hurts a bit, or you are squeamish, or simply because it is 'your body' is completely unreasonable IMO.

In the circs OP describes vasectomy certainly sounds like the logical option to me.

No, my point was that there's more than one way a marriage/partnership can end. None of them are very nice to talk/think about. I didn't mention divorce, I was talking about death...

Vasectomies are great - speaking as a woman!

My dh had one last year and since then we have had wonderful sex...nothing to worry about for the first time ever!

My dh is now dead chuffed with his.

contraceptive injections are never going to work, because the woman can't be sure that the man hasn't missed one.

a woman needs to be sure, so she either needs to manage the contraception herself, or have something she can see - a condom.

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned that the OP's DH having a vasectomy would be the loving choice. This is a long-term committed relationship. 'His body, his choice' seems very cold and distant from what a mutually loving, giving, and sacrificial marriage could be.

This was how I presented it to me DH -- I know you don't want to do this. But I am asking you to make this sacrifice for me, for our relationship, and for our family, as an act of love.

He still wasn't too happy about it, but it gave him some moral high ground, instead of being forced to do it he was doing it out of love.

"contraceptive injections are never going to work, because the woman can't be sure that the man hasn't missed one.

a woman needs to be sure, so she either needs to manage the contraception herself, or have something she can see - a condom."

FGS not all men are fuckwits I would trust my dp to go for his injection. But hormonal contraception is not valid in non long term relationships because of std's.

I wouldn't trust my other half to deal with contraception, not because he's male, just because he's not me!

I think most men are incredibly trusting that they let someone else deal with the contraception

Our DS4 was a little surprise package just before DW hit 40 - it was pretty much a no brainer to get it done, would not expect DW to go through another op of any sort.

Is the OP DH also happy for her to have a termination in the event something does fail? Surely that is something to consider here - he has to give consent but would he also consent happily to another op on his DW?

"I wouldn't trust my other half to deal with contraception, not because he's male, just because he's not me"

I would probably remind him to get the injections to be honest then confirm he got them afterwords. He takes control but I have ensured that I am protected.

Thanks very much everyone, I've been out and there have been loads of posts! I'm going to print the thread out later, show it to DH and also ask him to properly research and consider a vasectomy. As yet, the only response I have had from him when bringing up the subject is NO WAY NO DISCUSSION so I am hoping that he can try and make an adult decision rather than just shouting at me.

i think if i was in this situation i'd have to decide what was more damaging, trying natural family planning [eg less fertile times] with condoms, and you can get extra strong ones, use spermicidal lube etc, and have less sex until your fertility naturally slows down, possible effects on marriage, however if condom does split there is the morning after pill.
or forcing my husband into a procedure he doesnt want and possibly having a lifetime of resentment from him.
i know what would damage my marriage more, and that would be the hypocrisy i would feel if i ever spoke about 'her body her choice' in front of my husband re: abortion, and then remembering that i forced him to end his fertility.

impossible situation for you OP

I was in same boat, 2 DC and didn't want anymore. Asked DH if he'd get vasectomy but he wasn't sure (if anything happened to me and DC he'd want to be able to have more) so didn't pressure him. I wasn't happy but I understood.

I really didn't want anymore dc so got sterilized then next year got pregnant. A big surprise obviously. After finding out about pregnancy DH offered to get snip. He knew he'd never have sex again so that was the better option.

BTW, he had a terrible time, swollen for 2 weeks and in big, big pain. He didn't get any sympathy from me tho, 3rd child delivery wasn't fun either!