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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His ex is always at family 'do's'

223 replies

redwiner · 06/07/2010 19:27

I have been with my partner for about a year, I am a widow and he is divorced for 7 years. His ex is very good friends with his mum, mainly for babysitting reasons but also as they have known each other for about 15 years. Although they don't have many family get-togethers whenever they do have them the ex is always invited-and attends- and I feel very uncomfortable about this.
I don't have any reason whatsoever to think they are likely to get back together, that's not the issue at all here, I simply feel very uncomfortable being around her as she knows everyone much more than I do, and it feels really odd to be with my boyfriend when his ex-wife is there laughing, chatting with all the family etc.
I have made excuses not to go to a few things but I know he would like me to be there. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, do you think I should go and think 'what the hell' even if it makes me feel very awkward or should I just not go?
In my family my mum has stayed friendly with various exes of ours, but at family gatherings they are not invited out of respect to the current partner, however his family seem to think it perfectly normal. I am getting really wound up as another 'do' is coming up shortly and I really need some advice please!!

OP posts:

DinoSuperStomp · 18/04/2017 14:19

7 year old zombie thread

Katie0907 · 18/04/2017 15:13

YABU. You need to make an effort to get to know her, as part of the wider family. What do you think will happen at the kids birthday parties, graduations, weddings etc as they grow up? Their mum and their dad will both be there, as will you.

My parents are separated and my mum has a new partner. I invite them all to events for me and my children, and they all get along just fine... I would be incredibly upset and offended if they were to refuse to come.

Katie0907 · 18/04/2017 15:13

Crap... didn't notice it was a zombie

corythatwas · 18/04/2017 16:17

speaking from the pov of a family member, it can be really difficult after you've been told for decades that someone is a member of your family, have perhaps brought up children alongside each other, have come to regard them as another sister or brother, to be suddenly told that this person is now history and the relationship you have built with them isn't allowed any more

I felt so very strongly about one of my SIL's. My children were brought up to regard her as an aunt and to me she became a very close friend over the years. While new partner is perfectly pleasant, she is certainly not an aunt to them, nor is she a close friend of mine. Dc don't see why that relationship should be taken from them because their uncle has changed his mind, and tbh I don't see it either. The new partner refuses to meet the ex, so any big family do has to be done in two stages, with current partner invited to lunch and ex to supper or vice versa.

The same situation pertains with other db's children and db's new partner- can't be in the same room together (though here it's the children who are being difficult, not the new partner). We bend over backwards to accommodate, but it does lead to a lot of juggling and sometimes I wish people would just be grown-up about it.

In the case of another relative, this situation only resolved at his funeral, when the mother of his children and his new partner met for the first time- and really took to one another.

corythatwas · 18/04/2017 16:18

another taken in by zombie

though considering the decades it took for the situation to resolved for my relative, perhaps zombie doesn't matter so much here

UnicornButtplug · 18/04/2017 16:23

I was in your shoes OP, I was told she is the mother of his kids, grow up and get on with it.

It worked. After a few occasions it stopped being so awkward and she was just an extension to the family on that side, she got a new partner and he came too. Most people will see that as weird but we are all adults.

I have since split with that partner but his ex and I have maintained a relationship that allows me to still see dsd and that is such a positive thing.

ChaiTeaTaiChi · 18/04/2017 16:26

YABVU. She is the mother of their grandchildren, she was part of their family for many years, and that doesn't end just because of divorce. It;s good for the children and for the whole family.
It may make you uncomfortable but that is your issue, not everyone elses.

ChaiTeaTaiChi · 18/04/2017 16:26

Oh ffs, who dug up the zombie?

ChaiTeaTaiChi · 18/04/2017 16:28

Right, I see someone dug it up to give us their oh so important perspective

For me my bfs ex is invited to family doos but thankfully she respectfully declines. I am mega annoyed that they would even invite her. I'm here now so end of

How unbearably arrogant you are.

Eyebroe · 18/04/2017 17:00

Just an opinion. It's hard sometimes being a step mum and I really enjoy going to places with my step daughter and her father. It allows us to have fun so she sees me as a part of her life too. I don't know why a sister would invite the ex when blood is thicker than water. Yes you could say I am 'water ' but I am there with my bf 100% of the time supporting him and my step daughter in many ways...their brother and niece.

A father should be able to take his new wife or partner to events with his children without the ex. I may come across as arrogant but just think some women need to move on once they have separated.

If my partners ex wanted to see his sister then that's cool. But big family events are for family.

Eyebroe · 18/04/2017 17:04

Oh and yes it's a zombie this. I was looking for people's perspectives and thought of posting.

As you may see I'm a noob at this. But thanks ChaiTeaTaiChi for making me feel welcome so I can share my experience with others.

DinoSuperStomp · 18/04/2017 17:48

ZOMBIE THREAD

Understand you're new, but people generally don't resurrect zombie threads.

Therealslimshady1 · 18/04/2017 17:49

Eyebroe, your posts come across as a bit aggressive! Going mental?! Really?

Allthewaves · 18/04/2017 17:56

I have no family of my own really. Dh family is my family. If we split I'd still hope they would include me

OllyBJolly · 18/04/2017 17:58

I'm here now so end of

If you were my ex's new gf I'd run and hide!

Hekabe · 18/04/2017 19:00

Goodness me - it's about the kids surely? Not either one of you. I applaud them all for getting on so well after seven years. Well done! Of course it's awkward - but get on with it. You make her sound like she's a hanger-on friend after 15 years... she is part of the family! In this day and age their will always be baggage and it sounds like the family really like you, and she, I'm afraid is also part of that family, mother of the children. That doesn't end just because they divorce. You don't have to be best mates with her. However - you do have a lot in common! You never know if you really gave it a try you might like her. Think you are being a tad mean to her - what did she do?

Sorry you're feeling so unhappy OP, but they've been apart for seven bloomin years. what more really can you want? It's awful when we get insecure, it really is... but that sounds like your issue not the family's. Your OH sounds like a truly decent chap, as does the ex - how wonderful to have two lovely people to deal with. Count your blessings - she could be an utter harpy!!

B1cd · 30/12/2019 16:22

I have been with my partner for three years and have been living together for two years - 4 days his place and 3 days in mine. He was with his ex for 23 years and they have been separated for 7 years. She lives 5 minutes away and until he met me she used to visit him regularly and used to spend Christmas with his family. They also went on holidays together because they jointly owned an apartment. This happened during my first year with him and I was very unhappy about it so they sold it. His sister is very unhappy that that they are no longer together and is very fond of his ex.
His ex has now has an extra bedroom fitted and invites them down regularly. She then invites my partner, but not me, for coffee or a meal. He makes an excuse and his sister and husband will meet us in a coffee bar.
They have now announced that that they would like to come and stay with him for a week. As he only has one bedroom it means that I will have to move out. I have a big and very comfortable house and I suggested that they stay with me. They refused because they wanted to see his ex. It is only twenty minutes away by car.
I am very upset about this as it means that they will be inviting his ex round to his place and I will be left alone at home wondering what they are doing. I will obviously be seeing him. He adores his sister and will do anything for her. I know I can’t change it but it makes me quite ill.
I don’t want to lose him. Am Ibeing unreasonable?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/12/2019 16:24

You need to create a new thread

B1cd · 30/12/2019 16:49

How do I create a new thread?

Pen10 · 03/01/2020 03:32

My fiancé's ex is a constant present in his family home and every family event they have a son together and she has a daughter from a previous relationship that is treated like a grandchild it's so akward and uncomfortable every time I'm there she walks in as if she owns the place. His mother died recently and she was in the room up to when they were closing the coffin it's so frustrating we have a son together i just find i keep my distance.

longwayoff · 03/01/2020 06:37

You're complaining that your in laws invite the mother of their grandchildren to family events? And you've felt like this for seven years? The problem isn't theirs.

81Byerley · 03/01/2020 07:28

I was divorced from my first husband in 1992, I divorced him, not his lovely family, and we've all stayed friends, so it isn't at all unusual for me to be at his family's get togethers. He's married to his third wife now, and I've made the effort to get on with both the other wives. When my family have get togethers we're all there together, and it's lovely. If I was you, I'd try to chat with her, You may be surprised...you may actually like her! If I can get on with the other woman, you should be able to get on with his ex!

Booboostwo · 03/01/2020 07:53

This is now a 10 year ZOMBIE thread

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