His ex is always at family 'do's'

[redwiner]

I have been with my partner for about a year, I am a widow and he is divorced for 7 years. His ex is very good friends with his mum, mainly for babysitting reasons but also as they have known each other for about 15 years. Although they don't have many family get-togethers whenever they do have them the ex is always invited-and attends- and I feel very uncomfortable about this.
I don't have any reason whatsoever to think they are likely to get back together, that's not the issue at all here, I simply feel very uncomfortable being around her as she knows everyone much more than I do, and it feels really odd to be with my boyfriend when his ex-wife is there laughing, chatting with all the family etc.
I have made excuses not to go to a few things but I know he would like me to be there. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, do you think I should go and think 'what the hell' even if it makes me feel very awkward or should I just not go?
In my family my mum has stayed friendly with various exes of ours, but at family gatherings they are not invited out of respect to the current partner, however his family seem to think it perfectly normal. I am getting really wound up as another 'do' is coming up shortly and I really need some advice please!!

"is a bit of a fantasy, and elderly relatives are more prone to fantasies of large extended families having a marvelous time together than younger ones "

Well at least they have you to "keep it real" in your family 2Rebecca.

I sometimes think that people are uncomfortable about this kind of situation because they think they are supposed to be.

Kids feelings come first and not a grown woman who really should know better. Must be lovely for the kids to see both their parents there at family functions and see everyone getting on. I am separated from X and my eldest often asks me if I am "going to be ok" when they go out together. I would hate to think my kids are worrying about me and my feelings while they are supposed to be having good times at some family party.

I'm married. I get on well with my inlaws. They sometimes see my husband's ex but since they divorced she hasn't been to my husband's family gatherings and my husband takes the kids to them (although his kids now old enough to make their own minds up about attendance and the eldest has his own flat anyway). My age means that now our generation is the one holding social gatherings anyway as my dad and husband's parents become older and don't want the hassle.
I think younger people feel more obliged to go to social occasions than older ones, perhaps having been more recently under the parental thumb, where as older people want the large extended family gatherings.

Those of you who would enjoy going to a social occasion where your husband's ex is there are welcome to go to them, those of us who prefer not to go should be entitled to stay at home/ go out with friends as we wish.

Socialising nicely with other people's families shouldn't be seen as compulsary.

I agree with the people who have said that this situation is the healthiest for the DC and also that the woman shouldn't be excluded as she is genuinely liked by the people who have invited her. That said, you are new(ish) and at the moment it is probably not certain to the family if you will be on the scene long term. They will not risk pissing off the mother of their GC for someone whose relationship might not go the distance. You might find that things fizzle out a bit with the ex as you and your DP prove that your relationship is forever, esp if you do get married. It's old fashioned,but some people will consider that getting married is proof that the relationship is permanent, even though that is unfair and often untrue. If your relationship does prove to be long term, the ex herself might decide to withdraw a little bit, esp as the DC get older. If not, then you do just have to put up with it/choose the events you attend or host some family gatherings yourself and then you can invite who you want and maybe subtly send a message that she doesn't have to be exluded but also doesn't have to attend every family event.

"She was there first, and if you can't deal with that you shouldn't have got into a relationship with a divorcee."

I find this a highly ignorant and a constantly repeated saying. I have never heard it so many times in my life as I have since meeting DH.

Because the ex was there first does not make a new partner second place or second best. Getting into a relationship with a divorcee does not come with a handbook and the reason people get so uptight about all of this is because it appears as if some ex partners refuse to move on. The space that was in the family when the ex partner first came along is not there for the new partner and as a result they feel rejected in favour of the ex partner.

I don't believe it is being nice for the sake of the children, I think it is about territories and boundaries. It also irritates DH because as far as he is concerned they are divorced. He only wants to discuss the children with her not sit in her company at family parties and pretend that everything is all amicable that is why they got divorced because they wanted separate lives from each other. The general idea should be that dad takes the children to his family parties and mum takes the children to her family parties. If individual members of the family choose to maintain a relationship with an ex partner then that is their right but should be done in their own situations and not big family do's.

Haven't read the thread, sorry

OP, just go with it. go spend time with his family and forge your own relationship with them.

I can understand why you feel awkward, but it will pass. DB has a dc with his ex (13 now), although they broke up a long time ago, we involve her in things and I call and check on her because at the end of the day she's the mother of our precious dc/nephew/grandson etc. and we respect her for being such a wonderful mother to him. DB's wife doesn't mind at all, it's all very nice.

williewalshballs it sounds like you have forged your own relationship with your brother's new partner which is great. I think a lot of issues, which I know I have found over the last 5 years, is where the new partner is now acknowledged in favour of an ex.

In an ideal world everyone would get on famously but I do think it is the rare family that can achieve this.

Honestly, some people really need to get the fuck over themselves. I'm glad I don;t actually know many grown women who say 'Wahh I don;t WANT to go and be polite because MY feelings are far more important than everyone else wah bwaaah memememe.'
If DS dad ever gets himself a partner like that I will have lots of fun making her life hell...

SGB it is not about "getting over yourselves" it is about everyone being respected.

And being polite in a stressful situation is very difficult for some people.

IMO YABU. ILS have built up a relationship with this woman which doesn't stop just because their son has got a new partner. It's civilised and grown-up.

Its all down to manners.

Lordy - we all have to go and do certain things we'd rather not but most of us do with a smile on our face because we're polite and its part of being a family/community/society.

I just hate all this 'I'm what matters so sod everyone else' attitude.

OP - I appreciate its awkward for you but it will get easier over time.

Are there other issues here making you feel insecure? Has your DP discussed marrying you yet, for example?

"SGB it is not about "getting over yourselves" it is about everyone being respected."

Yes including the ex wife who has been part of this family for years.

This bit of the OP pissed me off
"His ex is very good friends with his mum, mainly for babysitting reasons", how on earth can the OP possibly know this? Just sounded like she was trying to undermine the ex's position, the fact that the ex is also an old friend known for 15 years was secondary. Unpleasant.

No, it's not easy, not for the OP and not for the ex wife but most of all not for the dc but I cannot stand this idea that the OP is being "disrespected" because people want to continue you a friendship with the ex. What on earth has respect got to do with it? It it total spoilt brattishness to have a problem with this and call it not being respected because people want to continue to be friends with someone they love.

One thing I would also say OP is that your DP has been divorced from his ex for seven years, you have only been with him for one and I would assume there have been other partners/girlfriends before you and none of them have managed to get rid of her, she is still in situ. Food for thought?

BTW agree with every single thing SGB has said apart from "If DS dad ever gets himself a partner like that I will have lots of fun making her life hell..." I just wouldn't have the energy to deal with such a big baby like that, far better to ignore bad behaviour.

I think this is your problem.
'mainly for babysitting purposes'?? How do you know? And she is his children's granparent!

It is a bit tricky, but modern famlies are complicated, and you are being a bit territorial. If your DP is cool with it, and doesn't feel that his family are excluding him in favou of her or anything, then I think you just need to get on with it. She dosn't seem to be being destructive, competeing, trying to get him back, bad mouthing you etc - you could do a lot of damage and cause a lot of resentment by letting jealousy or possessiveness play a part here.

She has been part of the family for a long time...why should she stop if all is amicable?

How is the OP not being respected?
A member of the extended family is being invited alongside the man's current partner. Why is that disrespectful?

Only someone who had a vastly inflated sense of their own importance would consider this situation disrespectful to them imvho.

Uncomfortable? most likely though easily overcome by mature behaviour on all sides.

Disrespectful? No.

Or, very insecure.

ultimately it is rude and childish to say to a host who's invited you to something either

"I'll come if SHE'S not invited"
or
"I'm not coming because SHE'S going"
so OP I don't think you have any option but to but up with it and be friendly

It would make the OP a right $hit if she turned this into a situation where it became awkward for everyone if they are both at the same thing at the same time, or worse, if they began to feel that they could not have a "everyone come along" do anymore because they had to invite strategically, especially since you may not 'win' as what grandmother would want to sabbotage their easy relationship with their grandchildren? (which is only really doable if you have an easy relationship with their mother)

If it was an intimate dinner of 4 or 6, yes you need to consider if people are comfortable and HAPPY around each other, but at an "everyone" family do, no! Do what we all do, say "hello, nice to see you, how's the new car/job/cat" then find a nice perch away from them and spend the rest of the do chatting to people you prefer!

Am at the notion that the first wife being a part of the family is "history", they have children together ffs!

Me too Jenai though here is a story to make your toes curl.

I knew a woman once whose daughter had married a man with a child. The child was 2 when they met. That child called the woman "Gran" from within a few months of meeting her and continued to do so for 8 years. When the couple split, within a month of the split "Gran" said "I don't feel comfortable with him calling me that anymore, I am not his Gran, and I have my own Grandchildren now, you need to tell him he can't call me that anymore dd" .

Some people just think that way.

Wow, she sounds like a real charmer shimmery

I have 2DC's from my first marriage and I'm extremely close with my ex's family - his sister (my xSIL) is one of my closest friends and we've been through a lot together. When he split with his first partner, we actually hit it off, and sat comparing stories and revealed him for the liar that he was. He seems to have grown up a bit I guess but it wouldn't bother me if I never saw him again. I'm now best friends with his ex fiance, and also very close with his current partner. They have had a baby together and DC's consider her their step mum and enjoy spending time with their little sister. I have continued to attend family gatherings, often at the insistence of his current fiance, because we get on so well and often get together with the lo's (I have had DD2 with my current husband). FIL recently died (ok, xfil), and it was a hard time for all the family. I honestly think people at the funeral thought it was a bit weird that we all get on so well, but I think we would click anyway, regardless of the situation. The DC's are well balanced and we know there won't be any atmosphere when it comes to family weddings etc in the future. xH and DH get on quite well, but they were mates as kids (we all grew up in the same neighbourhood).

It's all about what is best for the DC's. I divorced him, not his family so why should we (especially the DC's) lose out on relationships that have been built prior to that?

I realise you feel uncomfortable, but I would just put up with it - maybe even chat with the xwife and build a relationship? Afterall, if you're going to stay with him, you may eventually be their DC's step mum and it's very valuable to parent as a team, rather than separately!

Sorry but I don't think they should stop inviting someone they obviously feel is part of their family just because your boyfriend is seeing someone else. (And I mean than in the nicest way!) Maybe it would give you an opportunity to get to know her and perhaps contribute to a good relationship with any children involved. DH's ex wife is always at family functions and although it's not easy at first, we're actually quite good friends now, and it has made things easier with DSS. You've every right to be there as a new partner of course, but so has she if they want her there.