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AIBU?

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Original poster

His ex is always at family 'do's'

223 replies

redwiner · 06/07/2010 19:27

I have been with my partner for about a year, I am a widow and he is divorced for 7 years. His ex is very good friends with his mum, mainly for babysitting reasons but also as they have known each other for about 15 years. Although they don't have many family get-togethers whenever they do have them the ex is always invited-and attends- and I feel very uncomfortable about this.
I don't have any reason whatsoever to think they are likely to get back together, that's not the issue at all here, I simply feel very uncomfortable being around her as she knows everyone much more than I do, and it feels really odd to be with my boyfriend when his ex-wife is there laughing, chatting with all the family etc.
I have made excuses not to go to a few things but I know he would like me to be there. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, do you think I should go and think 'what the hell' even if it makes me feel very awkward or should I just not go?
In my family my mum has stayed friendly with various exes of ours, but at family gatherings they are not invited out of respect to the current partner, however his family seem to think it perfectly normal. I am getting really wound up as another 'do' is coming up shortly and I really need some advice please!!

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 08/07/2010 13:49

That is my point - that fact OP has only been with him a year and it is "no time at all" is irrelevant. She is his partner and they class themselves as being in a long-term relationship hence her involvement in family occasions.

Whose standards are we talking about here? The MIL? The SIL/BIL? The new partner? or the EX partner?

Acanthus · 08/07/2010 13:55

I don't think she can ever try to exclude her. But she might feel better about it all once she has been on the scene longer.

My DB is currently divorcing his wife for the sort of reasons slushy describes. I have known his wife a long time and have a lot of sympathy for her (more than I have for DB's romantic delusions, truth be told). I am unlikely to take kindly to any new partner of DB who expects me to disinvite my DSin-law, the mother of my DN.

Animation · 08/07/2010 13:55

Maybe it would be nice is if the ex-wife could make an effort to put the OP at ease. I would in that situation. I might say words to the effect - hey, don't mind me, I still like to come to the dos.

I get the impression that the ex is busy chatting away to everyone bar the OP.

marantha · 08/07/2010 13:58

Animation She can express an opinion and have a say whenever she likes, but nobody else has to agree with her. It doesn't matter if they've been together a day, a month or 20 years.
Fact is, her partner, his ex-wife and her family are happy about the situation.
She has to like it or - and I mean this is in a nice way- lump it.

I don't understand what OP wants, tbh (well, I suspect it's about being "top dog"),
I mean would she prefer to have a man who had no contact with his ex-wife and called her derogatory (the ex, that is) names?
Would she prefer to have a man whose ex couldn't bear to be in the same room as him?

It is a good thing that he is on good terms with her, not a bad thing.

Animation · 08/07/2010 14:00

I also get the impression that there could be a bit of a power thing going on and maybe the x-wife hasn't completely let go yet. After all - she divorced him despite being good friends with him still.

Morloth · 08/07/2010 14:01

I would stay married to DH if we were just good friends.

Animation · 08/07/2010 14:03

Marantha.

What has the OP said that makes you think she wants to be Top Dog?

Morloth · 08/07/2010 14:04

Oops I meant I would not stay married if just good friends.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/07/2010 14:07

I wonder if the OP (and any other whinyarse in this situation) is the one in the couple-relationship who is keener, and the bloke is, while not unkind or anything, not overeager to marry/move in with her just yet. Perhaps a good move would be to find some other way of giving your self status that isn't dependent on being Someone's Partner.

Animation · 08/07/2010 14:07

Morloth.

Do you need to be 'in-love' to stay married?

marantha · 08/07/2010 14:11

SolidGoldBrass She hasn't said anything. I did say it was my opinion only.
It's just that women- and MEN- like to assert themselves as "Number one" woman/man in their new partner's life sometimes.
And I feel that subconsciously this 'I don't want your ex at do's' thing is about asserting dominance.
You may not think that this is a good thing, but it happens all the same.

Morloth · 08/07/2010 14:14

Yes, but not the gushy stuff.

I need to want to snuggle together, to want to have sex with them, to wait until I see him again. We have been together 14yrs and while all that initial gushy stuff has come and gone over the years we still love each other as more than friends.

I have excellent friends and I don't feel the same way about them.

Would be deeply unhappy and feel trapped if I felt that the deep connection we had was gone and I had to just put up with that. Much better to split and stay good friends IMO (and clearly in the opinion of the OP's BF and ex) and look for that deep connection elsewhere.

You only get one go at life and I do not intend to spend it yearning for something else. I don't think kid's benefit from parents who stay together just for their sakes at all.

Animation · 08/07/2010 14:15

Marantha.

Well she admitted feeling insecure - I didn't get the impression she wanted to assert dominance.

Animation · 08/07/2010 14:20

I've probably talked too much on this page 6 so I'll get off now.

I will say this though - I'm not in-love with my husband at the moment. I'm banking on him relighting my fire in Majorca next month. If he doesn't - that's it - curtains!!

marantha · 08/07/2010 14:25

Animation We've all felt a bit of insecurity and -perhaps- jealousy. It's only natural and not a crime.
How many of us can say that we've never felt the urge to say when meeting an ex, "He's mine now!"? It's human nature.
I'm not saying that OP is out to stake her claim on her new man, but IF she were, I wouldn't knock her for it, but I can't help but feel that this is part of the reason she doesn't want ex-wife around.

Think OP needs to say to herself that an ex is an ex for a reason and try to calm down a bit.

OrmRenewed · 08/07/2010 14:29

I inherited 3 women when I got married 18yrs ago - MIL and 2 SILs. MIL is a daft cow but I am fond of her. SIL no 1 is funny and good company at times but I'd not choose her as a friend as we have little in common. But SIL no 2 is I like to think as a friend - if DH dumped me or vice versa I'd be very upset at being dumped from their lives too.

Animation · 08/07/2010 14:30

"an ex is an ex for a reason."

I like that!! Will put that quote in my journal.

Fruitysunshine · 08/07/2010 14:39

Acanthus I think we may be getting a bit closer to the truth here.

You disagree with what your brother is doing and have sympathy for your brother's ex. This fact allows you to remain friends with her and reading what you have said I reckon any new lady he has in his life has got her work cut out with that attitude.

If the shoe was on the other foot and it was your sil's behaviour who you disagreed with would you still support her in such a public way? If not then you would probably welcome your brother's new lady with welcome arms.

Is that an unreasonable assumption?

SolidGoldBrass · 08/07/2010 22:01

Basically anyone who appears in an existing group of family/friends and starts squawking and pissing and attention seeking is going to be treated with either bemusement or contempt - or indeed seen off by the lot of them. And deservedly so. THe trouble is with being an insecure whinyarse is that you bring about what you fear - people dump you like a bag of dogshit and run away. Whereas developing a little self control and the ability to smile and be polite and make an effort with other people is far more likely to make people treat you well.

Animation · 08/07/2010 22:16

"squawking and pissing and attention seeking...."

Blimey - what's got into you - are you taking your frustrations out on your PC tonight?

SolidGoldBrass · 08/07/2010 22:19

It is squawking and pissing and attention-seeking to start telling people who then can and can't invite to their parties for the sake of your ever-so-important feelings. The response it merits is 'If you feel like that, you stay home.'

Animation · 08/07/2010 22:58

SolidGoldBrass.

Sorry, I can't take your point seriously at all. It's got aggressive keyboard warrior written all over it.

Fruitysunshine · 08/07/2010 23:00

SGB - your posts are just overly aggressive and insulting to people in this situation.

PurpleLostPrincess · 08/07/2010 23:24

BUT, in general, SGB has got a point!

"THe trouble is with being an insecure whinyarse is that you bring about what you fear - people dump you like a bag of dogshit and run away."

SolidGoldBrass · 08/07/2010 23:55

There's no point in indulging self-obsessed whinyarses, it just makes them worse. THe online equivalent of a good kick up the twinkle might actually help them to see sense, realize the world doesn't revolve around them and therefore be able to interact comfortably with other people rather than whining about how no one wants to play with them or spend time with them...

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