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AIBU?

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Original poster

His ex is always at family 'do's'

223 replies

redwiner · 06/07/2010 19:27

I have been with my partner for about a year, I am a widow and he is divorced for 7 years. His ex is very good friends with his mum, mainly for babysitting reasons but also as they have known each other for about 15 years. Although they don't have many family get-togethers whenever they do have them the ex is always invited-and attends- and I feel very uncomfortable about this.
I don't have any reason whatsoever to think they are likely to get back together, that's not the issue at all here, I simply feel very uncomfortable being around her as she knows everyone much more than I do, and it feels really odd to be with my boyfriend when his ex-wife is there laughing, chatting with all the family etc.
I have made excuses not to go to a few things but I know he would like me to be there. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, do you think I should go and think 'what the hell' even if it makes me feel very awkward or should I just not go?
In my family my mum has stayed friendly with various exes of ours, but at family gatherings they are not invited out of respect to the current partner, however his family seem to think it perfectly normal. I am getting really wound up as another 'do' is coming up shortly and I really need some advice please!!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 06/07/2010 23:24

As others have said, she is part of the family - she is the mother of children within the family. You, TBH, are not - yet. You're a newish girlfriend - are you even living with your DP?
His family may well be happy to welcome you, but one way to make them less keen to do so would be to stamp your ickle foot and insist on them cutting ties with someone they have known and liked for 15 years. Take a deep breath and get over yourself.

Confuzled · 06/07/2010 23:25

I think saying someone should not be invited to family events when they are a member of that family is indeed forcing them out. And saying it might be an idea to befriend someone is not the same as saying they should be close friends, is it?

"I don't think the OP has mentioned forcing her out - and probably doesn't want to be close friends either. Neither is appropriate. Perhaps something in the middle would be a reasonable boundary."

Which sounds precisely the existing status quo. Friendly and inclusive - perfect!

Fruitysunshine · 06/07/2010 23:27

YANBU.

What used to make me really uncomfortable was visiting DH's relatives and them still having old photograph's of DH and his ex together in loving poses still on display! That took a few years to sort out...

Animation · 06/07/2010 23:32

Friendly and inclusive - agreed Confuzled, but maybe she doesn't show at EVERY family do.

Salbysea · 06/07/2010 23:38

well, yes she should, the idea of family dos is that everyone (or as many as possible) all get together in the same place at the same time

We all have people that we are less keen on than others who are at every family do's don't we? but they are group events, not one on one so we just put up with it, this is no different

Confuzled · 07/07/2010 01:24

Salbysea said it for me (seems to have happened a lot on this thread! ).

webchick · 07/07/2010 05:20

I haven't read all of this thread but here's my opinion - I understand your position in his family & empathise. I've been there too. If you feel uncomfortable then don't go & let your dh go on his own. If that causes a problem take a stand & explain how u feel. Nobody In his family seems to be looking at it from your perspective.

Fwiw my in-laws once invited me to a family birthday partty then uninvited me once it was known that his ex was also invited. Last in first out it seems. They go to hers on Xmas day, even go on summer holidays together. It used to bug me that she seemingly pulled rank on me (that's how I saw it), now I take a complete back seat & it's water off a ducks back. You can't choose your family but you can your friends etc. I've more valuable & important things & friendships in my life to forge & his ex and the in-laws will never fulfill that part of my life.

Don't be obliged or pushed into social situations you don't feel comfortable with. Easy to say but hold your ground.

nooka · 07/07/2010 05:56

The OP said they don't have many family get togethers so it's not an everyday issue. Presumably they are affairs organised by other members of the family who like the ex and see her as part of their family. You really can't change that, and I don't know how you would go about doing so. So your choices are go and be uncomfortable but hope that in time it feels easier (and getting to know in laws is difficult without any complications) or don't go and be seen as standoffish and never really build your own relationship with your dp's family (which you have said might make him sad).

This is not about not respecting you - if his family think of his ex as part of their family then of course they want her to be there when they get together (and some ILs really do form close relationships - my MIL totally saw my BIL as being an extra son).

I can understand that this is a difficult situation, but to some extent you are an outsider, your dp had a previous life, and his slate does not get wiped clean for a new life with you. You need to come to terms with that and stop seeing the ex as a threat.

Triggles · 07/07/2010 07:01

Personally, I think you should thank your lucky stars that he and his ex get along! No ongoing squabbles about visitation issues, children's activities, or the like. No sniping or undermining the other parent in front of or to the children. An adult civilised relationship that is beneficial to everyone.

Society always seems to expect the new partner to hate the old partner. That might come into play if you were the REASON they split, but you're not. So try to relax and allow yourself to get to know her along with the rest of his family. She's going to be in the picture for a very very long time because of the children. It's in everyone's best interests to put your insecurities aside and get along, especially your own relationship - I've seen many relationships flounder and fall apart due to massive ex problems.

piscesmoon · 07/07/2010 07:05

'I am still soooo close to my ex MIL, she comes to stay with us at weekends to visit the dc's. She looks on my DH as part of her family as he is now married to me and is her gradchildren's step-father. And she is my ds2's Granny as well even though her son is not the father.

It does seem strange to some people on the outside at times but really the relationships were mainly kept so close for the sake of the children but also because we actually like each other as well. '

I don't find it all strange-I think it is the ideal way of doing things. I have a divorced friend and she does a lot with her ex ILs even though her ex is remarried. She was married for 16 yrs and has a long history with them. We are friendly with exes in the family, for example DH'c cousin's ex wife. We liked her, the split had nothing to do with us and we still like her.

Maybe OP is just insecure-if she was secure in her relationship it wouldn't bother her.

slushy · 07/07/2010 07:37

''don't think the OP has mentioned forcing her out - and probably doesn't want to be close friends either. Neither is appropriate. Perhaps something in the middle would be a reasonable boundary.''

Why is it not appropriate? I have one ex my most recent before dp who comes round while dp is in work we go out drinking together there is nothing wrong with this because the split was mutual and the feelings we had died leaving a great friendship. Dp is perfectly happy with this and we meet up sometime with dp I have offered to only meet up with dp but he said he doesn't mind, but says he wont tell the boys in work because there will be endless innuendos.

Now my other ex who still has feelings for me is never spoken to because that is inappropriate as sooner or later he would make a pass. If there are no feelings there is nothing wrong IMO>

RunawayWife · 07/07/2010 07:38

I think their needs to be more familys like the OP partner and his wife, as there would be a lot less damaged children about.

They have children together and that is more important then a bit of paper to say they are no longer married, that is unbreakable and forever.

2rebecca · 07/07/2010 09:20

I probably wouldn't go in this situation. I probably would have felt obliged to go when younger, but if I had a new relationship now in my 40s and whenever I went to my new bloke's parents house his ex was there I'd feel awkward so just wouldn't bother going.
Life is too short to spend time with people you don't want to see and pleasing people's relatives becomes less important as you get older, or does for me anyway.
My husband wouldn't want to go to his parents if his ex was there though so the issue has never arisen.
I don't really like other people's big family gatherings anyway. I'd just wave off your partner happily and get on with something you enjoy.
I don't think adults should stop having relationships with peoples ex partners if they like them, but if my dad invited any of my exboyfriends or my exhusband round to a big family do that I wanted to bring my new boyfriend to I wouldn't go and would tell him to see my ex at a low key event when I'm not there with my new man.
I would feel very strange going to my exhusband's parents family events, even if my ex and his partner weren't there.

I am quite antisocial though and in this case would probably feel that if they don't care enough for my feelings to exclude his ex then they won't miss me if I'm not there. I don't see myself as my current man's accessory for family occasions.

Callisto · 07/07/2010 09:26

OP - you do come across as a bit prima donnaish. I think that putting your own feelings before the feelings of your partner's children is a bit off really. If you don't like the set up find a bloke who hasn't got any children. Don't mess up the status quo just because you think your feelings are more important than everyone elses.

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/07/2010 09:31

YANBU imo.

I get on reasonably well with ex dp and his family but no way would i be invited to, nor attend any functions. Likewise he wouldn't be invited to my family parties.

slushy · 07/07/2010 09:34

'but if I had a new relationship now in my 40s and whenever I went to my new bloke's parents house his ex was there I'd feel awkward so just wouldn't bother going.'

But op said it is not everytime she goes to parents house, just family functions, and I personally think this woman the mother of their grandchildren is more family than a recent girlfriend.

2rebecca · 07/07/2010 09:36

Will add that I get on well with my ex, but if I have a family event that's convenient to go to (we live some distance apart) then I'd arrange to have the kids that weekend and vv so the issue of my dad inviting my exhusband because he had the kids that weekend wouldn't arise, plus my ex would have no desire to spend hoursi n car or plane for my family's social events, he'd rather see his own family (who also live miles away).

2rebecca · 07/07/2010 09:39

If the OP is in a new relationship why would she be frequently visiting her bloke's parents? Surely she's mainly there for social functions?

slushy · 07/07/2010 09:41

I don't know ask her when she gets back, But she did say the family functions are rare.

WibblyBibble · 07/07/2010 09:42

WTF? Why do you think someone should be excluded from family functions (and they are her family if they are grandparents to her children) just because you are incapable of dealing with it? Yes, you are being deeply unreasonable and unpleasant. She was there first, and if you can't deal with that you shouldn't have got into a relationship with a divorcee.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/07/2010 09:50

Ah well, people who make a huge great deal of their status as The New Partner, thereby upsetting or inconveniencing everyone else, usually get chucked fairly quickly. Sometimes this even helps them develop more sense and better manners. If you try to insist that the world revolves around your feelings, you will eventually end up with nothing but your feelings for company.

2rebecca · 07/07/2010 09:51

I don't think she should be excluded from family functions, I said in the OPs place I'd exclude myself from family functions, and if my dad invited my ex to family functions my husband and I would find some reason not to go.
Some people may enjoy going to social occasions with a best behaviour face on whilst feeling uncomfortable. I don't. Parents can choose to invite their children's expartners to their home for social occasions. The children or their new partners can choose not to attend.
I think "everyone being together and getting on spiffingly" is a bit of a fantasy, and elderly relatives are more prone to fantasies of large extended families having a marvelous time together than younger ones.

I decide myself who I socialise with, my boyfriend's parents don't decide for me.

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/07/2010 09:56

Agree 2rebecca.

Callisto · 07/07/2010 09:57

I bet your boyfriend's parents love you 2rebecca.

slushy · 07/07/2010 10:03

"is a bit of a fantasy, and elderly relatives are more prone to fantasies of large extended families having a marvelous time together than younger ones "

"I probably would have felt obliged to go when younger, but if I had a new relationship now in my 40s and whenever I went to my new bloke's parents house his ex was there I'd feel awkward so just wouldn't bother going."

Well there are two very opposing and confusing views, in one breath young people feel more obliged to make a effort at family functions and in another old people fantasize about a happy family (what a crime).