His ex is always at family 'do's'

[redwiner]

I have been with my partner for about a year, I am a widow and he is divorced for 7 years. His ex is very good friends with his mum, mainly for babysitting reasons but also as they have known each other for about 15 years. Although they don't have many family get-togethers whenever they do have them the ex is always invited-and attends- and I feel very uncomfortable about this.
I don't have any reason whatsoever to think they are likely to get back together, that's not the issue at all here, I simply feel very uncomfortable being around her as she knows everyone much more than I do, and it feels really odd to be with my boyfriend when his ex-wife is there laughing, chatting with all the family etc.
I have made excuses not to go to a few things but I know he would like me to be there. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, do you think I should go and think 'what the hell' even if it makes me feel very awkward or should I just not go?
In my family my mum has stayed friendly with various exes of ours, but at family gatherings they are not invited out of respect to the current partner, however his family seem to think it perfectly normal. I am getting really wound up as another 'do' is coming up shortly and I really need some advice please!!

I think there's more to this than meets the eye. There's an assumption that it's for very noble principles that the ex is ALWAYS there - for the sake of the children - 'what about the children.'

Maybe the ex hasn't moved on. Do the kids ALWAYS need the mum there with them - how does this help them adjust to the fact that mum and dad lead seperate lifes now?

What I can't understand from OP is that she is a widow and surely has a relationship with all her ILs? I was in that position and I became very close to them-you often do with people that share your trauma-and so any new man had to meet them and go to social things with them. If he had found it strange, or thought they were history,he wouldn't have been the man for me. Even if I hadn't got on they were still DSs grandparents and had to be included.
If you meet someone later in life it is quite likely that they come with baggage.

I think it sounds as if they've worked hard to create an extended family and it's successful.
I can't see a thing wrong with the set up as it exists.

'Apparently the family do 'see my point' but not to the extent of not inviting her it seems.'

OP, if you can't handle it with more tolerance and generosity, you need to move on and find someone who suits you better. There are divorced couples out there who's children would give almost anything for such an amicable resolution to a breakup and you want to pout and flounce because you can't share?

I was divorced prior to meeting DH and have no relationship at all with my ex inlaws.

Why is it so difficult for people to understand that not every situation is the same, not every situation is smothered with maturity and good manners on each side.

There is a lot of "Well I can do it so you should be able to" on here. How can anyone possibly make such a judgement when they do not have the full history of what is going on?

A friend's EXW beat up his new pregnant wife - should his new wife be expected to stand and make niceties at family parties? Someone else I know was stalked for 2 years by the EXW. MY DH's EXW has said her children are not allowed to call me their "stepmum" and colluded with DH's cousins to obtain information about our private lives after we were married. In all of these situations the EXW is more involved with their EXH's family than their new partner, through their own actions and manipulation.

How on earth can you expect anyone under those circumstances to smile, be polite and be in the same room as somebody who can do those things to you?

It is great if you have fab relationships with your EXH's family but what about those who do not and probably never will?

I just don't think you can make everything so black and white when you are talking about men and women.

Ok - so probably my own personal experience has overtaken my objectivity on this thread - think I will go and get a glass of wine!!

Agree with fruity sunshine. My husband's ex did a parental alienation thing with his kids when they were too young to notice it, changing their surname illegally without his consent, arranging sleepovers when the kids were due to come here, crying in front of the kids and saying "daddy's upset mummy isn't he nasty" if he didn't do what she wanted on the phone.
We can be with her at functions for the kids' sake, but if his parents wanted her at their family functions we wouldn't go.
Divorces usually happen for a reason.
If you're good friends you wouldn't be divorced.

"If you're good friends you wouldn't be divorced. "

Well yeah you would sometimes the romantic feelings die and all that is left is a friendship, have you never had a male friend who you just didn't feel that way about, it is like that.

I think that romance can die down after a while and a new relationship emerges in it's place but then marriage is ever changing and ever challenging.

"If you're good friends you wouldn't be divorced."

That's the cement that keeps marriages going. But who feels 'in love' all the time in a long term relationshp? If you have a good frienship - it seems a bit drastic to get divorced just because you don't feel 'in love' or 'in lust'. Marriages go through phases - good and bad.

I still am invited (and go) to family events at my ex's, and invite them to mine. It never occured to me not to go. I have known them since I was 16, I am close friends with xSIL and I think the world of xp'x parents. I guess to some it is a strange set up. But it works for us.
I still get on ok with xp- greatly helped by the fact we no longer live together so I find it easier to ignore him when he annoys me (am sure he feels the same about me!).

Well obviously if one XP is abusive (either to the other XP or to the other XP's new partner) then it's a bit different. But the OP in this case has made no mention at all of abuse or mentalist behaviour. People often do part reasonably amicably and remain on good terms with a co-parent. People are sometimes capable of finding their way back to being on good terms with an XP who made a mess of the end of the relationship, for that matter (again, probably not in abuse cases, but it's possible to forgive someone who dumped you for someone else when you get to the point of realising that your relationship wasn't actually all that good).
But there's something a bit pathetic, desperate and off-putting about people who start dating someone and are almost immediately pissing all over the place to mark their territory without even ascertaining whether the person they are dating considers them potential partner material or just a shag.

I am very very good friends with my first husband, and he and my new DP get on fine.
DH1 and I have two children and we are a family, yes divorce happens for a reason but not every reason is because of beatings and adultery.
People can be separated and still be friends.
I think a lot of the whole "oh you can't be friends with an Ex" thing comes from jealousy and insecurity.

I also think the OP needs to ship out or shut up, she has no business messing with her DPs family arrangements and those between him and his wife

Sorry, OP, but you've been with your boyfriend for a year- that's not really a long time.
You can't be laying down any laws at this early stage- but this is kind of besides the point.

If he has an ex-wife with whom he has children then unless ex-wife is a bitch why shouldn't she be invited?
It is a good reflection on both wife and your current boyfriend that everything is cordial.

You've got to turn up and smile, unless you fear they'll get back together, why be bothered about it?
Cause a scene and you'll make yourself look foolish.

It was the other way around for me. I remained good friends with my ex's family after we split and was always invited to family get togethers even though we were no longer together. I went to a few at first but when he got with someone else I felt it was innapropriate for me to still turn up all the time. I know she wouldn't like it and I know I wouldn't have liked it either so I stopped going to them. It's her place to be there now, not mine.

You'd think his ex wife would show a bit of a decency and not still go knowing that he's with someone else.

"That's the cement that keeps marriages going. But who feels 'in love' all the time in a long term relationshp? If you have a good frienship - it seems a bit drastic to get divorced just because you don't feel 'in love' or 'in lust'. Marriages go through phases - good and bad."

It is different I am not talking about lust I am good friends with my dp and I don't always feel madly in love or want relations I know I will never get the honeymoon period back but I always look at him like my partner.

With my ex I confused friendship for love and then one morning I woke up and realized that sleeping together felt like sleeping with a brother for me, I just didn't see him that way I loved him but I couldn't stay with him even though at the time he wanted me to but the last thing on earth I wanted to do to him was hurt him and lie to him pretend there were feelings there that were not I had waited months and every instinct told me what I was doing was unfair for him.

Yes in the above situation some couples stay together happily, Some have affairs and ruin the relationship and some decide to split on amicable terms and remain good friends.

It isn't just about the children either. I have relationships with my MIL/SIL which are quite separate from my relationship with DH.

We have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company (have been on holiday with SIL and she came all the way from Oz to stay with me for 6 weeks when I had DS2) I love going out for lunch with MIL just her and me.

They are my family now as well, I would like to think that if DH and I ever split it would be amicably and like grown ups and we could get on.

Not all relationships end in tears and anger sometimes people just move away from each other "romantically" but can remain friends in spite of that.

"If you're good friends you wouldn't be divorced."

I don't agree. I split with xh ten years ago now - he was a complete and utter fucker and I lived through 8 years of hell. When we split, his family was well aware of his bad behaviour and pretty much took my side and told him to grow up and stop treating me like that. When it came to functions/christmasses with the kids, they insisted I came along, they didn't want him to ruin our relationship - I felt uncomfortable however, but I still showed my face, sometimes only for a few minutes. The OW at the time would also be there, we never spoke over the first 2 years. However, as I said before, we are close friends now - that is one thing I can thank him for anyway!

It has taken those ten years for us all to move on, and for me to continue my relationship with his family separately from him. When I remarried, he would bring his partner round when dropping the kids off, and we'd all have a cup of tea, but again, this took time. Thing is, I used to be a different person - I was a doormat back then and I'm not anymore. If he tries to make snidey (sp?) comments, he gets a mouthful from me, so he doesn't bother anymore. Also, he seems to have grown up a bit I guess (although he'll always be a wanker imo!). We actually get on now, although I wouldn't consider him a 'good' friend. He destroyed my life back then, but I have a new life now and have moved on and we're both happier with our new partners. At the end of the day, our interest is in our DC's and being good parents to them.

Time heals, and I do think 1 year into a relationship is very soon...

There is this thing about "one year" being too short. What does constitute an acceptable time limit? How long does somebody have to be in somebody's life before their feelings and opinions should be taken into consideration?

We were engaged after 6 months and married 16 months from when we first met. It never occurred to me that I should keep my opinions to myself in the first year of being with DH because I had not "earned" my place in his life..

What is that all about?

I agree. If my partner ignored my feelings for the first year of our relationship I wouldn't be hanging around to see if he became more empathetic later on.
Do women not matter in the first year of all relationships or just in relationships where the bloke has been married before?

Well, the length of time a relationship takes to be of "Importance" is subjective not objective, but the general consensus on this thread is that a year isn't that long to be considered a solid, long-term relationship (this is NOT to say that OP's relationship won't become a long-term one, of course it might very well be for life).

Personal opinion only, but a year is no time at all, really.

I also don't see how OP's boyfriend has ignored her feelings, he is acting perfectly reasonably- what is he to do to act correctly here- banish his ex-wife from family events? Ostracise the mother of his children for no reason other than possible jealousy of his new girlfriend?
Give the guy a break.

"the genereal consensus on this thread is that a year isn't long to be considered..."

Oh wow!!

So how much longer does she need to wait before she can express an opinion of her and have a say?

She can have a say now, but just because she doesn't like it doesn't mean everyone else has to change. And by objecting to a long standing arrangement that everyone else is happy with she is setting herself up for tension.

What if the Inlaws decide that if they have to choose the choose the ex-wife rather than OP? Why make them choose at all?

She is the new person so needs to join the "group" as it is, not insist it changes to suit her. If I was a grandma and could see my grandkids loved having both their mum and dad at family get togethers and it had worked for 7 years I wouldn't be inclined to change that for someone else's benefit.