His ex is always at family 'do's'

[redwiner]

I have been with my partner for about a year, I am a widow and he is divorced for 7 years. His ex is very good friends with his mum, mainly for babysitting reasons but also as they have known each other for about 15 years. Although they don't have many family get-togethers whenever they do have them the ex is always invited-and attends- and I feel very uncomfortable about this.
I don't have any reason whatsoever to think they are likely to get back together, that's not the issue at all here, I simply feel very uncomfortable being around her as she knows everyone much more than I do, and it feels really odd to be with my boyfriend when his ex-wife is there laughing, chatting with all the family etc.
I have made excuses not to go to a few things but I know he would like me to be there. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, do you think I should go and think 'what the hell' even if it makes me feel very awkward or should I just not go?
In my family my mum has stayed friendly with various exes of ours, but at family gatherings they are not invited out of respect to the current partner, however his family seem to think it perfectly normal. I am getting really wound up as another 'do' is coming up shortly and I really need some advice please!!

How do we know the ex wife isn't nice to her? Again, the OP doesn't say anything about her being mean or unwelcoming, just that she is there and the OP feels that this is wrong in principle because it makes her uncomfortable. Which I feel to be a little immature especially as she says that she doesn't believe either of them want to get back together etc.

SwallowedAfly

A "hit and run" is a passive aggressive snipe. Maybe you should check out how you came to your own conclusions about the OP's intentions. I see you allied yourself with some of the particularly harsh criticisms levelled at her. Thank goodness for those of us who did come on here LATER to give the much needed balance. As it happens the OP is far from the baddie, or the ex-wife('mother of his children!')the saint. In the scheme of things they're both equal.

SwallowedAfly - I think it's passive aggressive to accuse a poster of projecting their own problems, it's a below the belt tactic that doesn't work on me.

How am I being aggressive btw?

How did the ex-wife seem unfriendly? if she was being a snotty cow and deliberately making redwiner feel unwelcome it would be quite different. I didn't get that impression from the OP.

SwallowedAfly.

I tell you what I've observed - I've observed double standards on this thread. When SGB commented that the OP was a "squirking", "pissing" and "attention seeking" *whiny arsed." You follow it up with "SGB is stating the obvious facts".

You completely ignored the thuggery element.

OrmRenewed

The OP sets the scene - the x-wife "knows everyone much more than I do - she is there laughing and chatting with all the family..."

I get a sense of the x wife holding court and the OP sidelined and not included in the chatting and laughter.

Well what is she supposed to do? Sit quietly in the corner? She's being the same person she always was i guess?

Maybe the fact that she is laughing and chatting is the reason she is inviting to parties?

OrmRenewed

Involving the OP in her chetter and laughter might help.

Or the OP might think she has an ulterior motive? We are all extrapolating away here in any case.

Animation why is it so hard for you too believe that the Ex is now a member of the family in her own right quite apart from OP's DP? Do you not have "ring ins" in your family, people who are not actually related but might as well be?

I agree that the x wife is part of the family, but I don't agree that she has superior status because she is the mother of the children.

In our fanily everyone's an equal.

What superior status?

If you join a group then you join the group as it is. If you don't want to join the group then you don't.

Why is that hard to understand/accept? I don't see the problem, the ex has never been unpleasant to the OP, the family has not been unpleasant to the OP, the OP objects to the ex's presence family gatherings, her family gatherings.

You think it would be OK for the Ex to suddenly be told "Actually, you can't come any more, you have been replaced"? Regardless of the fact that everyone else in the existing arrangement is happy and it is only the person wanting to join the group who isn't?

They haven't been unwelcoming, they have just continued with their normal family arrangements.

As I said, if I was the Grandmother in this situation it wouldn't be the ex who would be dis-invited.

Morloth.

So you agree that the ex-wife has equal status.

The dynamics in a group can change and we don't completely know what the dynamics are in the group are since the OP joined.

I basically want to get away from this blame game of the OP - she's got a right kicking. I in no way would condemn her for feeling uncomfortable.

I don't think the OP is being condemned for feeling uncomfortable, she is being told she is unreasonable to expect her new partners family to stop inviting the Ex to their family gatherings. Clearly, they are all happy with the arrangement and it is for the OP to deal with her issues, not for the partners family to pander to her.

The fact is, that like it or not, it is none of Ops business who gets invited to these family gatherings. She is not being asked to host them, she is merely an invited guest, as is the ExW and as such she only gets to decide whether she wants to accept the invitation or not.

If this relationship is going to go anywhere, she is going to have to get used to the ExW being around, as mother to her partners children. Now would be a good time to start.

As lots of people have previously said, I think that the exW's presence is, on balance, great for the kids and natural for the family as a whole - whether they have worked hard to get there or it just happened easily doesn't really matter. My point is that it isn't likely to change, and almost certainly shouldn't.

Instead of focussing on what the ex does, maybe there would be a more positive outcome if the OP focussed on what she could do. Maybe one way the OP could make herself feel more comfortable within the wider family if she built some closer ties there for herself. OP: could you make the effort to become closer friends yourself with your partner's parents, and/or with other members of the family - does your DP have a sister you like, or a cousin? Build friendships of your own. And maybe you could host family gatherings at your home occasionally, or suggest a meet up with your DP's children and their cousins in your local park - if these gatherings were on your own 'home turf' maybe you would feel more confident. Plus, of course, the very act of hosting gives you a key role in the event, which would probably help you to feel more central to the gathering.

I'm not suggesting that it all has to be big events and grand gestures, but little actions over a period of time. The chances are that you'll become more comfortable without even really realising it. In time, you may feel able to host a whole family event and even invite the exW yourself.

From what you say, it sounds as though your DP's family are generous and welcoming, and I would guess that if they felt you making that kind of gentle effort to forge deeper relationships, it would probably be instinctively reciprocated.

Could you do that? See what you can do to change the way you feel, rather than what the family should do?

Never mind my "queen bee" statement - you're saying that the OP is paranoid and wants to punish everyone - bloody hell !! How did you come to that conclusion?

Well, Animation, first, I didn't suggest that the OP wanted to 'punish everyone'... Please do not take my words out of context.

However, I did suggest that in her unwillingness to adapt to the family dynamic which already exists, the OP is punishing her OH and his children and parents, by putting them in an uncomfortable position. And I feel that it is paranoid to assume that the only reason an ex would stay involved is in the hopes of marking her territory, getting back her man etc.

Surely, where children are involved, a degree of maturity is necessary. So if that means swallowing one's feelings about 'the ex', and having to deal with the ex's presence for the good of the children, then it must be done.

Why should we not mind your 'queen bee' statement? Because I disagreed with you? I think it says a lot, surely painting the ex as an attention seeking queen bee is wrong? She is just continuing to have a relationship with her ex, the father of her children, and their family. That can't be a bad thing?

my ex sil still attends some family functions along with my brother and hi new gf, ex sil sometimes brings new bf, sometimes not, the kids love having them all there, it is lovely to see them all together and getting on, it is inevitably taking time to get to know both brother and ex sil new gf / bf but not because ex sil is there, just because there are so many people to chat to and often is easier to get to know new people in smaller group - our family is mahoosive - we even have people coming to family things that are not even related just hang around so much they are sort of part of the family

i would hate to lose my relationship with ex sil, equally i want to have a great relationship with brothers new gf - it all just takes a little time

now, whats this big bunfight going on about who said what when ... its 1 oclock in the morning dontcha know, keep yer voices down

Cheepz - exactly! Could have not have put it more eloquently... Thank you!!!

'The OP sets the scene - the x-wife "knows everyone much more than I do - she is there laughing and chatting with all the family..."

I get a sense of the x wife holding court and the OP sidelined and not included in the chatting and laughter.'

Well, the ex-wife would know everyone better wouldn't she, she's known them a long time fgs.

My parents divorced when I was 24. When it was my ds's christening, one could argue that my Mum knew everyone better than my Dad's new wife, and that Mum was laughing and chattering with all the family. What should my Mum have done - stood in a corner? She is my ds's grandma.

The OP also needs to think about the dynamic of the family. To her dying day my gran (Dad's mum) considered my mum her d-i-l, not Dad's new wife, and when my Dad died, it was noticeable that the new wife (an old family ex-friend) wasn't interested in my gran at all - it was my Mum and my brother and I that went to see Nana and had her to stay for Christmas etc.

If I divorced, I suspect my mil would maintain a good relationship with me because she would want access to ds, and what better way for the grandparents to do that, than to keep relationships friendly. I have been with dh for 25 years now, I would not expect to be ignored just because we were no longer together.

I know this is an old post but I looked at it as I am in a similar situation and my pov may help others.

I know they have history but surely the father can take the kids to the event and not need the ex there!

I personally think it is insensitive and disrespectful for the family to invite the ex. They should allow dad and new gf to attend with the kids as they are a family unit now.

The ex should not attend (I wouldn't as I would not want gf to be uncomfortable).

I would go mental if my bf went to a party or whatever if he was invited by his exes family.

My mind boggles why the ex would still want to remain connected to the family. Move on!

For me my bfs ex is invited to family doos but thankfully she respectfully declines. I am mega annoyed that they would even invite her. I'm here now so end of.