His ex is always at family 'do's'

[redwiner]

I have been with my partner for about a year, I am a widow and he is divorced for 7 years. His ex is very good friends with his mum, mainly for babysitting reasons but also as they have known each other for about 15 years. Although they don't have many family get-togethers whenever they do have them the ex is always invited-and attends- and I feel very uncomfortable about this.
I don't have any reason whatsoever to think they are likely to get back together, that's not the issue at all here, I simply feel very uncomfortable being around her as she knows everyone much more than I do, and it feels really odd to be with my boyfriend when his ex-wife is there laughing, chatting with all the family etc.
I have made excuses not to go to a few things but I know he would like me to be there. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, do you think I should go and think 'what the hell' even if it makes me feel very awkward or should I just not go?
In my family my mum has stayed friendly with various exes of ours, but at family gatherings they are not invited out of respect to the current partner, however his family seem to think it perfectly normal. I am getting really wound up as another 'do' is coming up shortly and I really need some advice please!!

as a child of divorced parents where both families continued to invite the divorced partner to family events (and my father even now 35 years later is invited to my motehrs brothers birthday parties) Can I just point out how importnat it is for the children to see their parents together like this not arguying not bickering and not having any family members speaking badly about the other?

YABU its understandable it makes you feel insecure but really this is a good thing just be yourself and you will find your own way to have a relationship with them. She isnt stopping that

I think YABU they split seven years ago and forgive me here but his family have built up a relationship with her for 15 years, you can't expect them to throw that away because of a year relationship when they have probably only actually known you for 6months.

I wouldn't mind at all, but then I am on good speaking terms with most of my exes, and other than when pg have never got jealous in a relationship (sorry).

Just swallow and remember it is great for the children. I have tried not to make this sound harsh as I don't want to come across as having a go, why not go over and chat to her it is what I would do. Also be grateful you don't have endless arguments and custody battles to take on .

every so often my exdh and i are invited to the same function - we have no dc together btw - we do have mutual friends of nearly 30 years standing and have been divorced longer than we were married for iyswim - exdh and present dh get on fine, chat etc. not busom buddies but you get my drift - exdh has a partner of about 10 years - she is a total loon, i have tried and tried to chat, exchange pleasantrys etc - she plainly hates me, feels threatened, god alone knows why! i am his EX wife, the clue is in the title!
she make herself look really silly and quite juvenile.

i guess what im trying to say is, just go with it, his ex may be past history in some respects but to keep things amicable is surely the way to go - and dont forget, she is his EX wife!

Presumably the children come to these events too? So she is in a sense accompianying them?

I see nothing unusual about that at all - if she's got the kids, they go where each other goes?

Or is it that you have the kids for the weekend and a do happens and she comes even though its her weekend off?

Either way, I think its nice - ideally you'd all get along together. She doesn't sound like a nutter or anything...?

YABU, my parents weren't together but both were invited to family dos on both side, as MY mum and dad rather than anything to do with the fact that they were once a couple IYKWIM

I think it's understandable how you're feeling, you're the new girl and they all know each other well and have shared memories together. But, believe me, you wouldn't want her being the ex from hell and causing trouble over contact, money or just being plain nasty like some exes can. So maybe look on it as a bit of a blessing?

I bet you'll find that as you socialise more and more with them, you'll become more confident about your own place in the family. If it were me, I'd be gently getting to know her. You and she are going to have a relationship for a long time and it really is best for the children if you all get on.

I appreciate this is hard for you, but she is a member of the family. She is the mother of the children of that family. IMO it is fantastic that relationships are so good, because that can only help the children. You read so many heartbreaking threads on MN about kids after relationship breakdown, and MIL issues, and in all honesty I think this is wonderful. I'd try to reframe it in your mind - this is not about her as his partner, this is her as those children's mother. She's sort of like a SIL now, I think.

I do sympathise, but I'm afraid their best interests are more important. This is a positive post-divorce co-parenting set up and I applaud the family for it. They sound lovely - and that has to be a good thing for you, going into the future as another new member of the family.

The children's best interests mean this is a good arrangement. Is there no way you can try to make friends with her yourself, given you have a role in her kids' lives too?

my ex-SIL is still very much part of our family and gets invited to all family events.

She does admit to me its very strange for her, and the main reason she does it is to keep the family connection for my niece.

she has had to put up with the discomfort of meeting my brothers many many girlfriends/partners over the years, knowing they would naturally be suspicous of her presence - some even asked her what her intentions were .

yabu to think she should not be invited for your comfort. as previous posters have said be grateful that everyone gets along so well and try to break the ice with her (you may be step mum to her kids one day!).

This is difficult for you.

However, the exwife is the mother of your (sort of) MIL's grandchildren so she will never, ever be out of the picture and you will need to find some way of accepting this.

My parents split up and my mum has remained in contact with my dad's brother, sister and mother - even though my dad has divorced my mum, my mum is still permanently linked with the above mentioned people because they are blood relatives of her children.

Also, my DH has recently had an affair. My MIL was absolutely furious with him, she told me that she would sooner cut contact with her own son than have difficulties seeing her grandchildren. Fortunately we are trying to reconcile, but the point is that the mother of the grandchildren is a very important person regardless of any divorce.

If the split was by mutual agreement and there was nobody else involved, the ex wife should have no problem with you and vice versa.

I hope I have not been too blunt, but she is a member of this family so you can't have her excluded.

I am honestly not meaning to sound harsh, but in essence: you are asking your partner's family to put your feelings ahead of his children's best interests. They are not only unlikely to do this, they are unlikely to like you for asking them to.

Try to lighten up and just see her as any other guest. I think this is your issue really, and you just have to go and take up your place in the picture too. Believe me, it's a zillion times better than the Jeremy Kyle slanging match kind of families that so many people have. And it's great for the kids to see adults behaving like, well, adults.

What swallowedthefly & confuzled ...

Please try to get to know her and the family - there's enough 'love' for everyone.

And there really is no need to think about them together - if they haven't got back together in 7 years, they're not going to get back together now!

You should not be jealous of the children 'running between Mum & Dad' - enjoy seeing them happy!!

Of course the children' feelings are a priority, but the OP said that their mother was there at EVERY function. Why does she need to be there at every one? Is it solely because of the children?

because she's part of the family Animation, she used to be part of the family through the OPs DP AND their children, now he's not through him but still is through the kids

Animation - she is family herself, so of course she'll be there. She is not on sufferance, she is welcomed. The children are members of that family and she is their mother. Everyone gets on and helps raise these children together, and that's just as it should be. She is presumably a much loved family member in her own right by now, and why would they suddenly start to exclude her when that could hurt a lot of people, just because a new partner finds a very positive setup makes her feel a bit (understandably) insecure?

This ex clearly has no interest in the OP's partner. They split, mutually and amicably: no third parties, no hankering regrets or unresolved issues. They are co-parents and will be for life. They are all happy with this family setup it seems, and it is no threat at all to the OP. I think they sound great, and after all, if she has kids with the OP herself, won't she be reassured to know her husband and his family are grownups?

I think actually that in the OP's situation I would try to befriend the exwife. It might make the whole situation not only easier, but easy. She might even find she likes her as much as the rest of them do.

I think you need to try harder to be friends with her.

My mum took me, my children and my first husband on holiday with her at the start of the year, my new DP could not come because of work.

I have two children with my first husband and we are a family even if we are apart.

I think you need to except that your partner and his EX are a family, and as the mother of his children she is part of his family.

I think you need to accept her or leave

But she divorced him. A divorce means that you don't want to be together any more, that you wish to move on and live a separate existence doesn't it?

The boundaries are blurred.

"But she divorced him. A divorce means that you don't want to be together any more, that you wish to move on and live a separate existence doesn't it?"

No, not when you have kids. It means you don't want to be married, but you are co-parents for life regardless. You can never be truly separate again without letting your kids down, unless one party is in some way abusive.

"The boundaries are blurred."

Plenty of exes are friends. It's the optimal outcome. In this scenario, they fell out of love and the romantic relationship died. The friendship apparently didn't. Why is that somehow an issue? It sounds as if they are all fine with it, and it's wonderful for the kids. I just don't get why harmony and moving on are more dysfunctional than two separate camps communicating with chilly courtesy. Kids after divorce do best when parents can work together and like one another, in fact they need to feel their parents like one another if at all possible, because they are part of both of them - and here that's happening.

If there were any sparks left, then the boundaries would be blurred and it would be a very dodgy situation that would need addressing. But there aren't. Nobody is excluding the OP, nobody implying she is lesser or they wish her partner and his ex were still together. The boundaries sound very appropriate to me. Incidentally, my DH is mates with an ex who is herself very happily married to someone else, so this isn't all theory. Their relationship ended amicably (no kids) and before I ever met him and we all get on just fine - she is absolutely lovely, and so is her DH. His being mates with his ex was a positive from my POV. It said good things about his maturity and common sense. We rarely see her now, but that's mainly because New York is rather a long way away.

Honestly, why do people buy problems when they're given away for free?

the op should be pleased that her DP and ILs have done the healthiest, best thing re the co-parenting relationship. It shows good character, that's the kind of man you wanna be with and the kind of ILs you want

All relationships need healthy boundaries - and it's for those concerned to set them. The relationship might be friendly, but socialising at EVERY family do - is that a healthy boundary for a divorced couple? I don't know of any divorced couples' socialising that frequently bar Christmas. We already know that the OP feels that a boundary has been crossed. Do her feelings count or are they negated?

If you are joining a family you cannot expect them to alter an arrangement that benefits the children and everyone else so that it benefits only you, instead.

"All relationships need healthy boundaries - and it's for those concerned to set them."

I agree, and it seems that they have. Many years ago.

"I don't know of any divorced couples' socialising that frequently bar Christmas."

And as you say, different families set different boundaries. If OP is uncomfortable with the way her partner views his family, then she has two choices: try to build bonds that mean she is comfortable, or leave. Sabotaging a happy situation that benefits the kids and harms nobody strikes me as a very unreasonable demand, and one that could well result in the destruction of her own relationship, to be perfectly blunt. Why not try to befriend this woman, who seemingly is perfectly nice, instead of trying to force her out?

I don't think the OP has mentioned forcing her out - and probably doesn't want to be close friends either. Neither is appropriate. Perhaps something in the middle would be a reasonable boundary.

sounds like they have very healthy boundaries for a separated co-parent pair. The see each other at group family events that their children are at (where children would normally be with both parents). Its not like they're popping round to each other in the evening with a bottle of wine, or calling each other whenever they've had a bad day at the office and need cheering up.