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Original poster

His ex is always at family 'do's'

223 replies

redwiner · 06/07/2010 19:27

I have been with my partner for about a year, I am a widow and he is divorced for 7 years. His ex is very good friends with his mum, mainly for babysitting reasons but also as they have known each other for about 15 years. Although they don't have many family get-togethers whenever they do have them the ex is always invited-and attends- and I feel very uncomfortable about this.
I don't have any reason whatsoever to think they are likely to get back together, that's not the issue at all here, I simply feel very uncomfortable being around her as she knows everyone much more than I do, and it feels really odd to be with my boyfriend when his ex-wife is there laughing, chatting with all the family etc.
I have made excuses not to go to a few things but I know he would like me to be there. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, do you think I should go and think 'what the hell' even if it makes me feel very awkward or should I just not go?
In my family my mum has stayed friendly with various exes of ours, but at family gatherings they are not invited out of respect to the current partner, however his family seem to think it perfectly normal. I am getting really wound up as another 'do' is coming up shortly and I really need some advice please!!

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 09/07/2010 00:00

But I have not read this thread as the OP complaining people don't want to play or spend time with her. More her feeling uncomfortable in a certain situation...

If you believe your own responses you might as well have it on copy/paste and put it in 99% of the threads on this board.

Seriously.

JeMeSouviens · 09/07/2010 00:22

I'd like to see if this family would change the invite list if the xW got a new partner, and what the xDH would think of them both turning up to his family's functions.

RunawayWife · 09/07/2010 07:20

The wife is the mother of his children the OP is not, wife wins.

EmmaBemma · 09/07/2010 07:28

Blimey! Who rattled SGB's cage?

redwiner - I can see why you're bothered by this situation but as others have said, there isn't much you can do about it without raising hackles. I think you should go along to any family dos and just try to get used to it - you might well find you get on well with his ex! They've been divorced for 7 years, I'm sure she isn't a threat to you in any way. It is an unusual set-up, that's for sure, but that doesn't mean it's a bad one.

Fruitysunshine · 09/07/2010 11:04

Runawaywife - "Wife wins"?

WHAT is that about? Who said it was a competition? Certainly smacks of first wife wishing to retain some kind of priority status in the ex's family.....

purpleduck · 09/07/2010 11:25

To op

It is the EASY option (for you) if your partner has no contact with ex. Even better if he hates her, and his family hate her.

It has probably taken lots of work for them to get to where they are - comfy with each other and not bitter.

If you start making waves, just who exactly are you benefitting? The answer is YOU. You are the only one who would benefit at all. And really all that would do is assuage your feelings of insecurity. How is that a long term benefit?
So, you would be hurting your partners children. THOSE ARE FAMILY GET TOGETHERS, AND THEIR MOTHER IS THEIR FAMILY!!!! By hurting the children, your are also hurting your partner.

Also, this is a testament to these peoples hearts. If they can all come out a divorce and still be kind to everyone, then they are GOOD PEOPLE!!! Be reassured because if that is true, they will be good to you too.

Now next time, go to the event. TALK to the wife, tell her about things the kids have done when they are with you, ask about the kids. It'll be ok. Stop being scared of her.

And good luck.

Acanthus · 09/07/2010 13:58

Fruity - yes, you're right. But where does that take the OP?

RunawayWife · 09/07/2010 16:03

The wife IS and always will be part of the family, SHE is the mother of his children and the in laws granchildren.
She has a status in that family divorce or not.

I think the OP needs to except the wife was there first and she is part of the family, if she can not except this then she needs to move on and find someone with no former life or who hates their Ex

mjinhiding · 09/07/2010 16:14

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marmon · 09/07/2010 17:13

Hi Redwiner, I am kind of in this situation and it is really difficult. My in laws think the suns shines out of the ex wifes arse and the whole story is very complicated and would take up far to much of your time to read. However it has held back them getting to know me, as they have always compared the two of us. My dh recently told them the reason there marriage ended was because she was having an affair but we know they dont believe him. In fact they have shown her more loyalty then there own son, which as a Mother i find odd. Lets face it daughter/son in laws come and go but our children are for life.
So basically i keep my distance, i am a divorcee and my ex husbands family see my daughter through him, i have never fallen out with them, on the contrary everythings fine. But as far as im concerned thats history and this nonsense about being the mother of the grandchildren is just an excuse to stay in touch, my ex is the father, thats just as important. I do not see myself as some amazing woman all because i gave birth.
By all means go to the gatherings but never put yourself down all because you didnt give birth to the children, you have as much right to be there as her, if not more now you are his partner and bloody hold your head up high!!!!

Fruitysunshine · 10/07/2010 09:42

An ex should step back - whether the mother of children or not.

swallowedAfly · 10/07/2010 11:32

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swallowedAfly · 10/07/2010 11:33

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sayithowitis · 10/07/2010 17:19

I'm sorry, but I don't think it is any business of the Op who is invited to family gatherings. It sounds as though they are hosted by other members of her partners family and therefore it is for them to decide who to invite, not the OP. If she and her partner are the hosts, it is different, but that doesn't sound like te situation here.

When my parents divorced, they were each invited to family gatherings that were hosted by their respective ILs, and new partners were included in the invites. no doubt it was uncomfortable for them to begin, but it did us children the world of good to see that our entire family could still get together without obvious evidence of the problems that had caused the breakdown of our nuclear family.

If this thread was about a bride inviting/not inviting children/friends' OHs/Jim the milkman etc etc, the Op wouldbe told it was none of her business and the 'her wedding - her choice' quote would have made an appearance ( or 60 ) by now. This situation is no different.

If the Op can't handle it, then it is for her to stay away, she, like the EXW is just another invited guest and it is not for her to hold another person's event to ransom because she is so ridiculously sensitive.

Animation · 10/07/2010 18:25

Sayithovvitis.

"She is ridiculously sensitive" - don't be so silly!!

Incidentally - I feel sorry for the mother-in-law - poor women. Trying to be nice to this queen bee ex- wife that rejected her son. The OP loves her son - she matters most. Nothing to do with the kids. They're fine.

Oblomov · 10/07/2010 18:47

God, I hope i never get divorced. the whole thing is a minefield.

swallowedAfly · 10/07/2010 19:20

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MrsC2010 · 10/07/2010 19:33

I agree with PurpleDuck.

Animation · 10/07/2010 19:42

SwallowedAfley

"think there's a lot of projection of people's own issues..."

Oops - spotted a hit and run there.

Care to explain?

nannyl · 10/07/2010 19:53

i know the feeling sort of

parents split up and my mum is was with my vile step dad...

but my mum also VERY good friends with dads brothers wife...

and at all family functions / weddings / anything even on my dads side my mum and step dad and often his (equally vile) mum too...

it drove me mad.... although my mum and dad still get on fine and dad also went to all my mums family events

anyway even when my vile step dad violently attacked me (i had 7 bruises as a result of his attack, i went to police and he was charged etc etc and now has it on his record) i STILL had to tolerate him...

(he was "sorry" etc .... yes i was forced to be in the same room as the guy who hhad attacked and strangled me cause "it made family life easier"

anyway thank god earlier this year my mum left the evil bastard as after 14 years she saw him for the vile guy he is so i dont have these issues any more

i had made my point clear though and insisted that while i could semi put up with hhim my children would NEVER meet him ever, and i would never have strayed from that... no matter what it did to the family

sayithowitis · 11/07/2010 00:17

Sorry Animation, but I think you are the one being silly here. The OP has already stated that the marriage broke down because the ExW and the OPs partner grew apart, that there was noone else nvolved. So not a case of the EXW rejecting the Ops partner at all. She stated it was mutual. There is also no evoidence that the EXW is any sort of 'queen bee'. The OP stated that the EXW gets on well with her former ILs. If anyone is acting like a queen bee, it is the OP. She is being oversensitive because she said the fact that the children like having their mum there makes her feel awkward! So the kids are not allowed to see their parents getting on well enough to be able to stand to be in the same room as each other now they are divorced? That is a very warped idea of what is healthy. And yes, the children may be fine, but I am sure that is partly because their parents have been adult enough to deal with their feelings about each other and to be able to be together in a social situation. All of which bodes well for future family events such as the children's weddings. Why should all that be put at risk because the Op wants to act like a prima donna?

NiandraLaDes · 11/07/2010 03:06

Animation - 'Trying to be nice to this queen bee ex- wife that rejected her son.' Er, where did you get this information from? The OP's post didn't suggest that at all.

I'm separated. My XP is sill a huge part of my life. He is still invited to family functions. Indeed, my family still consider him to be family - they have known him and loved him for 10 years.

We don't even have children together, but he will always be a part of my life. We love each other deeply, but cannot function as a couple. Should my family cut him out for this reason?!

I will never be in a relationship with anyone who can't accept XP's place in my life. In fact, one of the first things I told the bloke I'm currently seeing was my history with XP and our current situation. And no, I'm not secretly still in love with him or anything like that,which other posters have suggested is the only reason one would keep in touch with an ex. We are just great friends.

If the OP's DP and his ex still wanted to be together, they would. They aren't, so no cause for concern. Becoming involved with a person with children will always have it's difficulties. So if you have to tolerate an ex (and the mother of his children) suck it up!! Or find someone else. OP, why punish him, his children, family and ex because of your paranoia?

Animation · 11/07/2010 08:01

NiandraLaDes

"suck it up or find someone else.OP, why punish him, family and ex because of your parania."

Never mind my "queen bee" statement - you're saying that the OP is paranoid and wants to punish everyone - bloody hell !! How did you come to that conclusion?

OrmRenewed · 11/07/2010 08:30

"Also, this is a testament to these peoples hearts. If they can all come out a divorce and still be kind to everyone, then they are GOOD PEOPLE!!! Be reassured because if that is true, they will be good to you too. 2

Yes. What exactly is wrong with being generous and open-minded?

Animation · 11/07/2010 09:06

OrmRenewed

Sounds good to me. It also applies to the OP as well - it would be nice if the ex-wife could make an effort to extend the same hand of kindness to her, to make her feel included and welcome in this family situation.