to not want to make DHs sandwiches

[ReneRusso]

DH works in an out of town office complex where it is apparently difficult to get himself some lunch, so he takes sandwiches to work. He is in a right grump tonight because he is fed up of "always having to make my own sandwich" and also fed up that there isn't any cheese. Apparently I should be a better wife and make his lunch and keep the fridge stocked with cheese. To give a bit of context, I am a SAHM, haven't worked for 3 years, we have 3 DCs, two school age and one baby of 11 weeks. I always cook the evening meal, infact two evening meals, one for the DCs earlier on and then our dinner later on, so for the rest of the evening I quite like to sit on my arse and watch telly. If he wants to have sandwiches for lunch, then my personal opinion is he can make them himself. AIBU?

"Why is it different to cooking someone's dinner?"

Because you're making yourself dinner at the same time.

As for moaning about there being no cheese, well maybe they ran out the day before or maybe it was forgotten in the last shop. I've forgotten to buy cheese the last two times I've been shopping, so sue me.

The op has an 11 week old baby. When my ds was 11 weeks I was lucky if I managed to get dressed that day and he was my first.

Really it's not so much the sandwich per se but how the op's dh treats her, his attitude seems to be that because he's WOH he is more important.

OP tell him he can have a mother or a wife, not both.

DH does all our cooking, and if I'm taking sandwiches for lunch I will ask him to do them, they come under the 'food is his responsibility' umbrella.

I'm polite about it, though.

(and I think work is far far easier than looking after even one small child)

I'm staying home with 2.5 year old DTs.
I would be delighted to make sandwiches (he doesn't need them, but for the arguments sake)for my husband because I love him and would want him to eat good food.
I do most of the cooking during the week, DH cooks on weekends - he's a splendid cook [yummmm].
What's so difficult about it and why the resentment? Doing little things for each other is just a way to show that you really care, no? It's always reciprocal and we both enjoy it.

Yikes! YANBU

I wouldn't object to getting the cheese but then I do do most of the shopping anyway. Me and DH always laugh about me being a bad wife when his coffee runs out

I have never been asked to make lunch for my DH but I might as a gesture if I felt like it. Going out to work certainly does not entitle my DH to have everything in the home done for him! But then he generally does bits of cleaning and cooking anyway so it's not an issue for us.

It's about respect. The way I see it is that I'm there to look after my son (and the one on the way!) and everything else is secondary

'It's always reciprocal and we both enjoy it.'

It isn't always reciprocal and doesn't appear to be in the OP's case.

""Why is it different to cooking someone's dinner?"

Because you're making yourself dinner at the same time."

So if you're not hungry you don't cook dinner?

surely the only relevant question here is whether you has TIME to make the sandwiches during the day while he is at work.

if you have plenty of time on your hands during the day, then it would be a bit U to say no.

if you don't have time then YANBU to say no.

some SAHMs have a fair bit of time in the day, some don't. Depends on their exact circumstances.

on the wider question of who does what, my view has always been that the SAHP should get as much housework/childcare as possible done during the time the WOHP is at work. (with tea breaks, lunch break etc as the WOHP would have).

Then once they've both done their "full day's work", anything that needs doing outside that time - either because there wasn't time in the day or because it's something that can only be done in the evenings/at the weekends - is shared.

I have no problem in making dhs sarnies, we all pitch in in the evening doing whatever jobs need to be done so that we can sit down together. He does things for me and I do things for him, all part of a good marriage.

"So if you're not hungry you don't cook dinner?"

Actually I don't.

My ds is 17, my dd is 16, I don't have a dp/dh atm. Both of my children are old enough and capable of sticking something in for themselves on the few occasions I'm not hungry/don't feel like cooking. My son even does his own washing

bit puzzled as to how much of a chore sarnie making seems to people. Perhaps I make rubbish sandwiches? (bread, butter, filling, put into tupperware)

Minipie, that's what I was saying (invisibly) upthread. Both do a full day's work at the same time, whatever's left to do is done mutually after hours.

At the moment, my days at home with a toddler are far easier than my days at work. FAR easier. But that's because I don't have to account for every 6 minute increment at home and prove it was productive. And my toddler is very, very easy.

Do you know, I know several SAHDs, and all of them have a cleaner who does the ironing, and share the cooking/laundry with their partner.

Not one of them thinks that they 'should' be doing the majority of the housework, or that they 'should' be responsible for the cooking because they're at home more.

Those that do do most of the cooking do so through their own choice.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall if one of their partners came home and started implying that they were lazy and insisting it was their duty to make a packed lunch for their adult partner to take to work. I really would.

Why on earth do some of you think different rules should apply for a SAHM? Or do you think that they have a bad attitude? Be interested to hear.

Personally I'm with my SAHD friends. They have self-respect and firm boundaries.

They'd make a luch for their partner because it was a kind thing to do, not because it was expected.

There's two separate questions here:

should she make the sandwiches? Depends on how much time she has.

should she be EXPECTED to make the sandwiches and her DH have a grump if she doesn't? Clearly not.

i make 2 lots of packed lunches, ds and dd. and if oh is on a middle shift, leaving at 8 am, then i also make him a round of sarnies, he then grabs other bits he wants for lunch. if he is leaving early, 5 am, i dont make them and he has to buy something.
i dont find it any harder to make his sarnie wiht the kids ones. but if it means doing it seperatly then he doesnt get any.

He should make his own sandwiches.

IMO work lunches (along with ironing, putting laundry away and making breakfast) are personal care tasks that people should do for themselves as soon as they are able, regardless of what the other household arrangments are.

This may just be because those are some of my least favourite jobs.

For the sake of all humanity please don't make his sandwiches!!

I make my DH sandwiches to take to work some of the time, this is because he has time management issues in the morning whilst I am usually MNing, drinking tea and DS is watching Ben&Holly. I think it's a nice thing to do for him (I usually make him breakfast as well), however if I thought for one moment he was taking it for granted or didn't appreciate it, or worse DEMANDED that I do it then it would stop pretty quickly.

For all the posters who say it takes a couple of minutes to put a slice of meat between 2 pieces of bread then why the hell can't OPs DH do it himself.

I'm a SAHM with school age children so have a fair bit of time on my hands. I make DH's lunch as I want him to have something healthy to eat rather than the canteen rubbish they have at work.

He doesn't expect this of me - I do it out of choice - same as he gets up an hour earlier than me and brings me a cuppa in bed.

However if I had a baby or indeed pre-schoolers who take up a lot of time then I wouldn't do it.

Wow, I never started a thread with so many responses (and it's about ffing sandwiches)

The lazy bitch comment was just tongue in cheek, he has never said that, it is more how I imagine he thinks of me.

"is there a possibility he needed and hug and a cuddle and a cup of coffee and a few minutes to feel like he was as important for you as any of the kids? we all need to know we are loved "
Yes you are so right, it's probably more about the fact that there is not much left over by the time all my attention has gone on the three kids. He does feel a bit neglected and like he's the least important one. I guess it's not really about sandwiches, but I guess I need to occasionally try and put him first.

"I think it's give and take and this sounds like point scoring over each other"
Right again, our marriage has always been a bit about point scoring and about who works the hardest. We are always doing it and always have done, instead of just respecting the others contribution....aargh how do we stop?

Start as you mean to go on. If you start making sandwiches, you'll be making them from now till he retires or you'll never hear the end of it.

As for hugs and cuddles, where are yours, too?

I mean, you have three young children. They won't be young for long. They grow up.

Adults realise this and don't take the strop that they feel 'neglected' or less important.

They are for a while! It's temporary, it's swings and roundabouts because children do grow up and don't require so much attention.

I agree expat, I don't want to set a precedent. Sandwiches need to be on a strictly occasional basis, or I'm stitching myself up for years to come.

"Adults realise this and don't take the strop that they feel 'neglected' or less important."

Most adults realise this expat..., but I suspect my DH does not.

i really cannot see the problem with making my Dh sandwiches everyday, as i do for the 3 Dc too - it is part of my role as a SAHM, IMO. Its a rush sometimes, occasionally there is not enough bread so he has to buy something, However, there are jobs which he considers "HIS" too, like mowing the lawn, sorting the car.

It does not mean we are being treated like slaves or being taken for granted if we make our DHs lunch cos we love them - very different if they expect it and complain though!

Ruby, there was bread, ham, salad, tuna, corned beef, mayonnaise, salad cream, brie, peanut butter, marmite, jam, infact a vast array of possible sandwich fillings. Just no cheddar, on this occasion I omitted to buy any cheddar. What a slacker.