to not want to make DHs sandwiches

[ReneRusso]

DH works in an out of town office complex where it is apparently difficult to get himself some lunch, so he takes sandwiches to work. He is in a right grump tonight because he is fed up of "always having to make my own sandwich" and also fed up that there isn't any cheese. Apparently I should be a better wife and make his lunch and keep the fridge stocked with cheese. To give a bit of context, I am a SAHM, haven't worked for 3 years, we have 3 DCs, two school age and one baby of 11 weeks. I always cook the evening meal, infact two evening meals, one for the DCs earlier on and then our dinner later on, so for the rest of the evening I quite like to sit on my arse and watch telly. If he wants to have sandwiches for lunch, then my personal opinion is he can make them himself. AIBU?

Adults who live on their own buy their own groceries and see to their own lunch.

But all of the sudden, when they're partnered or married, it becomes someone else's responsibility because well, they don't work outside the home?

Looking after children is work. It's a job people are paid to do.

If a person hires a nanny to look after their kids, she/her generally doesn't make her/his boss's fecking sandwiches as well.

But somehow it's different if it's a stay at home parent?

You are not a SAHM IMO, you are on ML with 11wks old!!!
He can do his own sandwiches

I agree with Seeker's point of view - I am very happy to get up when DH's alarm goes (sometimes 5.30am); make sandwiches, then go back to bed with a coffee. My DH always thanks me and, because I am miserly, I would hate him to buy lunches everyday.

Surely its all about strengths and weaknesses; I am grateful that my DH earns enough (just) that I don't need to go out to work - equally I have never mown the lawn or done any garden/maintenance type chores in our marriage so yes - I suppose I 'expect' my DH to do those sorts of jobs - which I know he doesn't really like. I guess we have a very old fashioned marriage - but it works for us (most of the time ).

I suspect this is more about your relationship than the packed lunch because it really doesn't take long to make a couple of rounds of sandwiches.

"Looking after children is work. It's a job people are paid to do."

Absolutely. But I am not my children's nanny. And my dp is not my boss. If I make his lunch or cook his dinner or iron his shirt I do it because we are in a partnership and I would rather he spent that time interacting with his children.

I refuse to make DH's sandwiches, not that he asks, but if he did I would!

My mum harps on at me about "poor DH working all day and making his own lunch" FFS he has hands and the technical know-how to make a god-damn sarnie. I remember my mum dutifully making sandwiches for my womanising stepdad and then one day when she found out that he'd been doing the dirty she still made his sarnies but applied an entire jar of English mustard to them. That caused a ruckus, so obviously the whole sandwich thing is a bit traumatic for me

What I sometimes do is make an extra portion of pasta/chili/stew and tupperware it up and DH reheats it at work. He says his colleagues get jealous when they have limp sarnies and DH has a nice tub of hot food. [/smug]

I doubt there is a stay at home dad alive who gets up to make his working wife sandwiches.

I used to make DP's lunch when in the first flush of love. Don't bother doing so now.

It is one of those things I think which as long as it is appreciated, is not a chore, but as soon as someone expects you to make their sandwiches, it becomes a real bone of contention.

To be honest, he is an adult, he can spend 5 mins doing his own sandwiches or spend a couple of quid a day buying them from Boots. My dd has been making her school sandwiches for years - if she can do it, an adult man can.

Exactly, GetOrf!

Also, I feel that there is something a wee bit, dare I say it, weird about making DH's sandwiches. It's like you're his mummy or something.

I wouldn't mind doing it if I'm asked nicely (I'm SAHM, he works full time).

We had an arguement before going out the other night because I hadn't got some clothes ready for him he was taking the piss with that one...but realises that now

This is what I'm saying, cupcakes...I am not DH's mother for crying out loud...he's a grown man, he can manage 5 minutes in the morning to make a sandwich, and I always make sure there is stuff in for him to do so.

I think it's give and take and this sounds like point scoring over each other.

In our house we both know what jobs need doing whether it is our clothes being ironed or butties being made. We both do it with out pointing out who is 'supposed' to do what.

Even when I was on mat leave Dh made tea sometimes, ironed sometimes and made lunch sometimes. I did it the other times. No problem.

Raspberry jam and fishpaste is a lovely combination.

Apparently I am the only person in the world who thinks so. I also like cheese with banana.

DH makes all the sandwiches (4 lots) in our house. and he works full time. However I cook all the evening meals during the week. however on Fridays we swap ... because doing the same job day in day out does get monotonous.

Do your school aged DC have school dinners btw? If you're making sandwiches for them but not for your DH I could see why that might be upsetting.

I'm with seeker.

When I was a SAHM I had no problem with making DHs sandwiches along with DD1s - I did it for him as a favour, because I was making a lunchbox up anyway and because we're a team, I made the butties most days and he would come in from work and cook dinner, bath the kids, whatever.

I have no problem making his lunch as long as it's not expected; I'm doing it because I want to not because it's my job as mum.

Now I'm working and I bloody love it if he makes my sarnies for me.

PS Cheese and Marmite is particularly delicious.

I agree with teh poster whom said it is about partnership.

I sometimes make my dh a lunch box sometimes he makes it himself sometimes he buys stuf at work.

He makes me a cup of coffee nearly every morning and brings it up to our bedroom.

I cook dinner most evenings (he occationally does at weekends)

I iron his shirts he has learnt to put his socks and shirts into the laundry hamper not on the floor (took 12 years lol)

its about having respect and care for each other.

If there is never any cheese and you know he enjoys a cheese sandwich then yes he was resonable in moaning that there wasnt any But if it was a one off he was unresonable..

however havign said all this

is there a possibillity he needed and hug and a cuddle and a cup of coffee and a few minutes to feel like he was as important for you as any of the kids? we all need to know we are loved

'is there a possibillity he needed and hug and a cuddle and a cup of coffee and a few minutes to feel like he was as important for you as any of the kids? '

Oh, fgs! The OP has 3 little kids including an 11-week-old baby!

He should be doling out the hugs and cuddles and cups of coffee!

Any person who need mollycoddling at such a time really needs a stiff kick up the jacksie and a maturity check.

"lso, I feel that there is something a wee bit, dare I say it, weird about making DH's sandwiches. It's like you're his mummy or something."

Why is it different to cooking someone's dinner?

Agree with everything custardo said.

Too many 'oughts' and 'shoulds' do not a happy marriage make.

He may think you're a 'lazy bitch', but do you think you are? If not, just carry on as you are.

Point-scoring or not, I would not make sandwiches for a partner who showed me that little respect and made demands. I would also let him know exactly why I was refusing, and would suggest a proper sit-down conversations about roles and their value.

Those of you who say 'but he's at work all day', thereby peddling the same old shit that full-time parenting is some kind of holiday and not real work - should be bloody ashamed of yourselves, frankly.

"peddling the same old shit that full-time parenting is some kind of holiday and not real work"

Of course it's not a holiday and of course it's real work. But anybody who says that it is harder to stay at home than to go out to work has either only had either piss-easy jobs or incredibly difficult children.

Sandwich making has got to be on the top ten of soul destroying domestic chores.

By the time you have bought bread, ham, fruit for the week you may as well tell him to spend £2 a day on a Tesco meal deal and save yourself the trouble. It is hardly worth the effort.

But seeker, it's not about how hard it is, it's about how valuable (and valued) a role is.

The OP's DH doesn't appear to value her role or her level or contribution highly enough.

I wasn't referring to your posts btw. You clearly have mutual respect and balance in your relationship.

There seem to be several on this thread who think it's acceptable for male partners who work full-time to expect to be mothered by their partners.

Fine if you want ot live like this I suppose, but the OP clearly doesn't.

"Of course it's not a holiday and of course it's real work. But anybody who says that it is harder to stay at home than to go out to work has either only had either piss-easy jobs or incredibly difficult children."

seeker my DH has a stressful job, and for the most part, I am home. He talks to other adults all day. He goes to the bathroom all by himself whenever he wants to. He can sit quietly and eat his lunch without having to jump up ten times a second to do something else. Sorry, but even with lovely children, working is a holiday compared with being home with two small children all day.

But anybody who says that it is harder to stay at home than to go out to work has either only had either piss-easy jobs or incredibly difficult children.

I had demoralising reception and call centre jobs, complete with targets and abusive customers. Hardly 'piss easy'. DH is a mini-bus driver and hotel dogsbody. Hardly 'piss easy'.

Our kids are not difficult.

We both find going out to work far, far easier.

DH will be home for lunch, so I put some pasta on for him so he can heat up some leftover spal bol in the microwave and laddle it over the pasta.

He doesn't expect this or grumble about having to feed himself.

Because it's immature and disresepctful.

sorry, missed out quotation marks.

'But anybody who says that it is harder to stay at home than to go out to work has either only had either piss-easy jobs or incredibly difficult children.'

If you are making packed lunches for your school age children then why not just do a couple of extra for DH? And why are you cooking 2 evening meals? When I was SAHM with 3 little ones I did one meal - I ate with the kids around 5p.m - DH meal was plated up and he re-heated it when he got in from London around 8p.m....if it was chicken nuggets, chips and beans instead of a "grown up" lasagne he knew better than to compalin.