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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to make DHs sandwiches

219 replies

ReneRusso · 16/06/2010 23:11

DH works in an out of town office complex where it is apparently difficult to get himself some lunch, so he takes sandwiches to work. He is in a right grump tonight because he is fed up of "always having to make my own sandwich" and also fed up that there isn't any cheese. Apparently I should be a better wife and make his lunch and keep the fridge stocked with cheese. To give a bit of context, I am a SAHM, haven't worked for 3 years, we have 3 DCs, two school age and one baby of 11 weeks. I always cook the evening meal, infact two evening meals, one for the DCs earlier on and then our dinner later on, so for the rest of the evening I quite like to sit on my arse and watch telly. If he wants to have sandwiches for lunch, then my personal opinion is he can make them himself. AIBU?

OP posts:
MarthaQuest · 17/06/2010 06:30

Agree with Seeker.

I am a SAHM and make DH's lunch most days. But as I also like to sit on my arse inthe evenings, I make all the lunches in the afternoon, when DS is back from school, and then put them in the fridge.

JustBeachy · 17/06/2010 06:40

I make DH packed lunch on school days because i make one for DD anyway so no extra hassle really. I don't usually do it in the school hols. I don't mind because I know he appreciates it and he would never tell me I should be making them.

MoChan · 17/06/2010 06:41

Hmm. I think that whether being a SAHM is easier than going to work or not is dependent on how many young children are involved, and what kind of children they are. And also on the job that you might otherwise be doing. Some jobs are easy, some aren't.

EveWasFramed10 · 17/06/2010 07:52

I hate stuff like this. I am NOT my DHs mother. He is fully able to take care of himself. Therefore, though he works, he is grown up enough to make his own sandwiches, and iron his own work shirts. And, he does both.

I take care of most other stuff...I cook the evening meals, do all the shopping, majority of cleaning...so he's got it pretty easy with that stuff.

Just because you are home all day, doesn't exempt anyone's DH/DP from being a grown up.

RunawayWife · 17/06/2010 08:00

I work part time, look after my mum one day a week, clean my house and First DHs house as the children live between houses and first DH works full time and I manage to make packed lunches for the kids and sometimes for new DP if he needs one and First DH.
It takes 5 minuets to make some sandwiches.
I think you are being a bit unreasonable, as he works full time.

expatinscotland · 17/06/2010 08:03

'I think you are being a bit unreasonable, as he works full time.'

I worked full time for 4 years whilst DH stayed home to look after first DD1, then DD2.

I made my own damn lunch.

I figured, if we were rich and the girls had a nanny, it would not be in her job description to make me lunch, so why should it be for the stay at home parent?

If you weren't there, Rene, he'd have to make his own damn lunch and buy the ingredients, too.

Show him this thread, so he can read my message to him: Make your own damn lunch or hire someone to do it, you lazy arse, because your wife is not a skivvy.

Oh, and YANBU.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/06/2010 08:05

Once he's home from work, you're both on household duty, basically. If you haven't managed to make sandwiches when he's away at work (I couldn't, with an 11 week old) then his time isn't any more valuable than yours in the evening and he can do it.

I agree with seeker about being an SAHM is easier to some extent (depends on the job, tbh, I used to be a civil servant and it was basically a complete skive), but not when they're newborns. The OP is probably doing all the night feeds, and working on very little sleep, and then there's two schoolage to deal with.

The issue is mutual respect and equal time off, not who does what.

Bingtata · 17/06/2010 08:07

I make DH's sandwiches but then he makes my breakfast for me, so perhaps it is the give and take that is missing for you. That said, he also moans when something has run out that we need shopping wise, so now I stick a shopping list on the fridge - if he wants something he needs to put it on the list or tough luck.

I'm not a SAHM though - I work 3 days a week so we have to both do our share, he works full time, we are both studying around that and both need to sit on our arses for at least a short time each evening.

expatinscotland · 17/06/2010 08:08

Oh, yes, when I was home from work I was on full duty, too.

A lot of people think that shouldn't be the case if it's a man who's the work out of the home parent, because he has a penis.

Well, bollocks to that!

RunawayWife · 17/06/2010 08:13

When I worked outside the home full time DH and I did the cooking and so on between us.
When I was a SAHM and DH was working full time I did all the housework and 90% cooking
DH came home and helped with child care after work.

Its about team work.

When I am not working outside the home my job is to run the home, simples.

As the children have packed lunches it is no more trouble to make another sandwich if DP or first DH need one

SardineJam · 17/06/2010 08:15

No! I wake us earlier than DP because I like to be dressed and ready by the time DS wakes us, as I need to get him ready for nursery
Every morning, without fail DP asks if I have make his sandwiches, which the answer to is no. I dont see why I should wake up early, see to DS and make his sandwiches, while he sleeps
If he wants sandwiches for lunch, the its his problem, if I didnt eat soup at work, i'd happily do my own packed lunch, certainly dont expect to have it done for me!!!

southeastastra · 17/06/2010 08:17

buying cheese so my dp can make sandwiches really isn't a big deal in this house. honestly is cheese really worth a big row?

ifancyashandy · 17/06/2010 08:19

RunawayWife you clean your 1st DH's home because your kids live between yours and his?!?!?

Does he come to yours and clean because HIS kids live at yours too?

RunawayWife · 17/06/2010 08:26

NO Ifancy, he works full time, so it is really no hardship for me to go over once a week and change the bedding and have a hoover round and stick some washing on.

He does most of the day to day stuff.
I also have OCD so I can not stand the fact that the children might have to sleep in bedding that has not been washed for two weeks is not good

ifancyashandy · 17/06/2010 08:32

He is extraordinarily lucky!

WOuld you be happy with your daughter (if you have one) doing that for an ex? Am interested...

Daffydilly · 17/06/2010 08:44

I miss making my DH's sandwiches - he was made redundant at the beginning of this year.

seeker · 17/06/2010 08:53

"Once he's home from work, you're both on household duty, basically."

Ah, you see that's where I think differently. I think that childcare should be shared as much as possible, but if one partner works outside the home and one inside during the day, in the evening the childcare should be shared but the household stuff, if possible shouldn't be. When mine were little, and even now they are 9 and 14, I would rather my dp was with them in the time he's home. So if ds wants a kickabout or dd wants help with homework or they all want a game of some sort and there's no dinner cooked or packed lunches made and ironing to be done, then I do the cooking and the lunches and the ironing, while dp spends time with his children. Ditto with babies. If one parent has had all day with a baby it's far more important that the other parent spends some time with him/her than some strict demarcation of sandwich making.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/06/2010 08:55

Right, see what you mean, I was thinking about after they went to bed.

I get home and maximise time with my daughter too (mostly by cooking ahead), we share bath/bed routine, and then once she's down for the night we both do laundry/tidying/kitchen cleaning/etc together.

My point was only, just because I've been at work all day doesn't mean that I get to sit on my arse while he does the housework after the baby's in bed.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/06/2010 08:56

Totally agree that if one of us has been with the child all day and the other hasn't, then the childcare goes to the WOH parent.

cryhavoc · 17/06/2010 08:57

I think it all comes down to what sort of relationship you're in. I'd have laughed at my DH, told him, mockingly, how sorry I felt for him and his hard life, and probably made the sandwiches anyway. Because I don't mind doing things for him, and he does things for me too.

Does your DH do things for you? Is this a one off demand because he was in a bad mood/had a hard day/couldn't find the cheese? If so, I think maybe you were a bit unreasonable. Don't we all have days when all it takes to tip us over the edge into strike mode is one small job? I know I do.

I'm going to tentatively agree with the poster who said that SAHMs tend to have it a bit easier too. Yesterday, for example, DH spent the day in work - DD and I spen th afternoon eating ice cream and chasing ducks down on the river. With this in mind, I am alway happy to make dinner and lunches for him most days. (I only have one very placid and low maintenance toddler, but I also freelance from home and am doing a law degree part-time, so get very little sat on arse time).

Longtalljosie · 17/06/2010 08:59

The key point for me is the OP's youngest is 11 weeks old. Anyone who expects their other half to have time to make their cheese sandwiches on top of looking after an 11 week old baby is deluding themselves.

bluecardi · 17/06/2010 09:01

Make his sandwiches when it's bath time/ nappy change time. He cleans the baby & you make the fastest lunch you can (2mins) & sit & have a break.

EveWasFramed10 · 17/06/2010 09:06

cryhavoc I agree with you about this depending on the kind of relationship you have. That's where I'm coming from. I am a student full time, the kids are gone every morning for playgroup, so I have loads of time to do most of the house stuff, and I don't mind. However, I do expect him to do things that he can do...I am busy when the children get home...they are 4 and 2 and want to be doing stuff all the time. So, for him to do his sandwiches just means I have more time to plan nice family meals, or spend time doing nice things with the children.
My DH is an equal partner in our house...he gets up early and does breakfast for the kids, bathes them in the evenings, and does all the outdoor chores, but that's been the expectation from the beginning of our lives together. Working outside the home has never excused him from doing at least a little of his share in the house and with the DCs.

PuppyMonkey · 17/06/2010 09:07

I agree with the view that you shouldn't have to make sandiwches if you don't want. But I think cos you are more flexible in the week, you could do the shopping on a quiet weekday and make sure there is cheese in. Or indeed a selection of other agreeable fillings. Nobody wants to go food shopping at the weekend, it sucks. But he shouldn't be arsey with you about it at any point, no sirree.

seeker · 17/06/2010 09:13

And it also depends on the affection and respect in the relationship - if I do dp's lunch I like knowing he's got something nice to eat. And he would never expect me to do it, and will always thank me. And if our positions were reversed, he would do the same for me.