to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

[snottyslimeclock]

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

Bit late for the high horse?

It is not about getting on a high horse, it is about recognising that I believe that the way I have been living is wrong and I make a change.

Could you bring the wedding forward? Like in a week or two in a registry office, then maybe have a blessing in the church next year instead of the wedding and have the reception party (or whatever else you planned) then as well? Saves disturbing most plans, but means you can tie the knot quickly and not make such a demand of your dp?

I think YABU.

You are in a committed relationship which is sexual in nature and you have a child. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and you could find that the relationship becomes damaged if you suddenly stop doing it.

I would think it was fine if you hadn't had sex with your DP, but moving the goalposts like this is unwise IMO.

I think your viewpoint is rather idealistic given your current situation.

Seems a big ask, esp as you have already been engaging in sex with him already, and that you already have a child.

I can't imagine mny partners, male or female, being overjoyed about such a change TBH and esp not for a year - maybe a month?

I am a Christian and I kind of think you are being unfair to your dp. (fwiw dh and I joint decision waited until we were married). I do not judge others who feel that other ways are right for them, just explaining what we chose to do.

My gut feeling is that rather than become celibate for a year, you should bring the wedding way forward. I would be tempted in your position (if you really feel you have to become celibate) that you get married within a few weeks. (even if you have a quick registry office do, then in a year have a blessing/big party if you really want a big wedding?)

I think that you making this decision is unfair and could mean the end of your relationship. Please speak to your minister (or other trusted person in your church) - that's what I would do anyway.

I thoroughly respect your views. I think that you are showing a deeply committed position, and am sure that planned abstinence will aid in helping you both achieve a full spiritual union.

(THINKS: Loon)

Does your DP share your religious beliefs? Being an athiest I don't believe in waiting til marriage to have sex - but each to their own.

the horse has already bolted.

When I say it could mean the end of the relationship, just to clarify I mean that witholding sex is such a massive and fundamental part of many partnerships/marriages.

If dh and I don't have sex say for a few weeks I find us drifting apart in a bad way.

What does your dh think about this? Is he a Christian too? What has made you suddenly realise/decide you "ought" to be celibate until marriage?

bringing wedding forward is a much better solution

Sorry, when I said dh I meant dp.

I have spoken to my minister and he has given very balanced advice.

I think the word tell in my OP is wrong, which is why I am asking if I am being unreasonable, I want to discuss with my dp if we can do this. I totally take on board the comments from people saying IABU.

At the moment because of my changing beliefs, I just don't want to have sex. I have been busy with work and a bit low so he has not noticed.

i think it is a difficult one. if you truly believe that sleeping with your dp before marriage is wrong, then you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. be prepared if he isn't as... commited as you. it could cause a lot of friction between you, as it sounds like this is a sudden change of heart.

im not a christian now but was one years ago. and to tell you the utter truth, i didnt feel like i was sinning when i had pre marital sex, but you may be different.

i was and am still of the mind set that the bible is to be taken lightly. it was written centuries after all the events happened. i think the best course of action would be to speak to your dp and pray about it. also think for yourself really seriously before doing anything,

i hope i havent offended anyone in this reply, quite a tricky subject

YANBU. You will be blessed many times over for this sacrifice.

My dp comes to church with me every week and would call himself a Christian. He has always been very accepting of my religious beliefs which are stronger than his. So we do not use contraception for example.

What was the balanced advice from your minister if you don't mind me asking?

It is a tricky situation. I have a lovely close friend who is v wise. In her opinion (she may be right, she may be wrong) God doesn't have much issue with people who are living in committed and loving relationships with dcs.

Why deprive yourself of something you both enjoy???

Utter madness

MmeBlueberry I do agree with you to some extent. but this is a major shift in the relationship and the whole situation needs very careful handling and prayer.

Please consider bringing the wedding forward. Or at least you and your dp need to have some sort of spiritual counselling/advice together imo.

OP I think you are going to get a lot of conflicting advice. To some people who do not have particular beliefs/faith they will think you are mad.

I understand a little.

I seem to remember my Catholic school RE teacher saying that sex between engaged couples was alright with the big fella.

I agree with onepieceoflollipop's advice. DH and I waited til we were married, joint decision, but I think bringing the wedding forward is the way to go.

onepieceoflollipop I just don't want to have sex outside of marriage, but this is not about us bringing the wedding forward. Infact I think getting married next year is right, I am changing a lot as a person so do not want to rush into marriage. As I said I enjoy sex although it makes me feel guilty being in the relationship that I am.

My minister said that he thought in an ideal world I was making the right decision, he also thought that the self discipline may be good for us and make our marriage more special. But he also said that I have to be careful not to ask too much of my dp, especially as I have a very happy home and a daughter who thrives in that environment. He offered to speak to us together, I cannot see my dp doing that.

Aaah but Portia that was just in the teacher's opinion. I am not sure it says this in the Bible? In fact I am sure it doesn't. Joseph and Mary were engaged to be married and it was a source of great shame to him that she was "with child" despite their engagement.