to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

[snottyslimeclock]

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

Dp is a Christian, I would say I am more committed than him.

Yes i got married in church first time, it was anulled about seven or eight months ago.

I can see why you want to wait for the actual wedding - but I think the person who said a marriage is more important than a wedding summed it up.

A marriage should be a journey the two of you share together and both of you can grow within it. It worries me slightly that you want to discover yourself and develop before you formalise your commitment.

If you and your DP do decide to wait, please be aware that one or other of you might change your mind and want to get married a few months down the line. What would you do then?

My reading of what your priest has said is that it's an admirable idea but not worth screwing up your relationship over. I think he's wise.

Fleecy I think that is a very valid point. I guess being divorced once makes me cautious. I don't know where my spiritual journey will end, I am hoping it will bring us closer to one another.

If only Christian mumsnet were real!

Obviously I don't think OP should have sex if she doesn't want to, however I also believe that by changing a relationship so massively then the other party is well within their rights to re-evaluate that relationship.

DH and I didn't have sex before we got married, my god it was difficult. If we had already been in the habit of sleeping with each other it would have been impossible.

If DH suddenly changed religions (or whatever) and said that he didn't want to have sex for a year until I had had a chance to convert (or whatever), even if I was willing to convert I would be mightily put out and would have to consider our relationship in a different way.

We are not shagging much at the moment (got a 3 month old and a 6 year old and I am tired) and I don't like it. It feels weird and is affecting our relationship, nothing long term, we will sort it out as baby sleeps longer/I recover, but it is missed terribly.

Thinking from your dp's pov, if my religious dh had suggested something like this I would have been hurt, upset and angry that he was moving the goalposts. I would have felt resentful and frustrated and it would have affected our relationship. From the religious pov which I don't have btw.. I see why you think you have done something wrong but you can't undo it so the best solution is to bring the wedding forward if it will stop you feeling guilty and stressed about sex. A year is far too long to expect him to wait if he's not as commited to it as you. I would sacrifice sex for a few weeks for dh, maybe even a month or two, but no way a year.

Speaking as a woman who has in the past outwardly consented to sex for all the wrong reasons (duty, responsibility, worry) I think it is incredibly insensitive and irresponsible to advise a woman to ignore her feelings and have sex when she fundamentally doesn't want to.

There is alot of focus on her partner's needs but virtually none on the OPs. Why is this?

Any feminists around?

Not at all blinder OP should not have sex if she doesn't want to for any reason whatsoever, simply not wanting to is enough, but it is only fair that her DP is told this and it is also fair for him to reconsider the relationship and whether a sexless one for a year is OK for him.

I agree with Morloth.

For fuck's sake, don't twist my words. I repeat, nobody is suggesting that she should have sex against her will to keep her partner.

However, withdrawal/refusal of sex, that is one-sided will impact on the relationship, if it's not a symptom of the relationship going wrong in the first place.

I've been in a relationship, where after a while, my then partner decided that he couldn't be bothered about sex anymore. He went completely asexual, and whenever I addressed it, I was told he didn't feel like it, and I couldn't/shouldn't force him. I ended the relationship after several months of this. Not because I'm a sex craved nympho, but because the lack of sex lead to a lack of intimacy, and, because of his total disregard of my feelings on the matter. Yeah, I couldn't/shouldn't force him to sleep with me. But he couldn't force me to give up my sexuality for good either.

The assumption that the person who doesn't want sex in a relationship is always right, and the person who does is automatically in the wrong, is very superficial in my view.

This is not about single occasions when one of them isn't in the mood, which should be accepted by the other, but about making a fundamental change about the relationship by declaring sex out of bounds for what is a very long time. That's a HUGE difference.

If only!

Still - you can get some opinions from heathens while you're here I suppose.

Look, most of us have had sex outside of marriage, most of us are still having sexy timez outside of marriage. I guess that WRT to framing the question and the conversation with your DP would revolve around your faith.

Maybe quoting some scripture about the sins of sex without marriage would help? I think you really need to talk to him about your feelings as well and try to come to some agreement.

(Is it all sex that is forbidden or just the actual penetration part?)

I don't see this as a feminist issue btw, the gender of the OP doesn't make a difference at all to this.

Isn't the promise at a marriage to god and not the church? That's more about acknowledging your commitment to each other in your community. If the legal side isn't of concern then you can consider yourself de facto married anyway.

I do find it a little worrying that you are attaching increasing amounts of guilt to sex. Personally, any religion that encourages guilt is not good.

I think you also have to be wary about being too literal with the bible as it's incredibly inconsistent if read that way (and for me, personally, inconsistent either way). Wasn't it Jacob that fathered a child with his wife's handmaid (and all at the spritely age of 900 odd). I don't remember him getting cast out of heaven.

Are you not already going to hell, OP? I thought hell was forever, regardless of the amount of sins. Too late, if you really are a believer. May as well get all the sex you can and live it up before the lake of fire becomes your permanent residence.

Or are you just trying to be more self righteous than the next gal?

Either way, if you go ahead with this, do provide the poor chap with a year's supply of wanking tissues.

I would say that you really really need to talk this through with your DH. Relationships are best founded on open and honest communication and this is something you need to talk through with him. There are two people in this decision, you and him.

I can appreciate that you need to gather your thoughts on this issue and part of that process is this. But you need to speak with him and be honest about where you're and be prepared to talk it out to whatever ending it comes to.

I'm not saying you are being unreasonable or reasonable, because at the end of it all it's not my relationship and I don't know the ins and outs of it all. Basically gather your thoughts and speak with him and go from there.

I am a woman and would go out of my mind if I had to sleep next to my DH for a year and not have sex, absolutely mental the hurt and the rejection would definitely cause a rift, possibly a permanent one.

I don't think you are being unreasonable if that is truly what you feel is right for yourself right now, regardless of reasons surrounding that.

But I do think you should be aware of the serious damage you could be doing to your relationship. A year is a long time to go without intercourse, especially if before hand you have been known to "chase him around the bedroom"! It is a big big change and a big demand, not just on him, but on you as well; do you think you could manage for a year? I'm not being funny saying that, but, having set myself similar boundaries before for other reasons, when I "failed" I felt so awful. You said you already have been feeling down (are you okay, by the way?) so the risk of making yourself feel worse is a serious decision.

I think, personally, you should sit down and have a big chat with your DP. Could you maybe compromise with yourself as to certain "bases" being allowed without actually having sex? Although of course if this is not right for you, then you should stand by what you feel.

Not a very helpful answer, I know. I really hope you make a decision that is right for you.

I also agree with morloth. I am moving the goalposts which is why I am asking if IABU.

I do know my Bible inside out and backwards, studied scripture at university etc. This is also about the way I feel. I am feeling guilty, I think this is God saying to me that I am doing wrong and that I can change.

I want to say thankyou for talking to me about this without it descending into a lets take the piss out of religion thread.

sirboob I do not know if I have the strength, I want to try.

By down I just meant I had not been well, I have also had a lot of cases on at work so have been tired.

Could you do the religious bit of the wedding ASAP and then do the more legal bit later and have the party?

We did the opposite, needed to get married to sort out visas for living overseas, so did the legal bit and then got married in a church (and did not have sex before church bit).

I think the reason is a feminist issue is that the idea that men can't live without sex is a sexist fallacy. That idea has been spouted a fair bit on this thread.

I agree that the OP must discuss this with her partner. That's what she plans to do isn't it?

But the 'go and shag your partner' suggestions, the accusations of being bonkers or a loon, and the general obliviousness to the OPs wishes are inappropriate imo.

And I'm not a Christian by the way. The reason she wants to take a break from sex is irrelevant. I don't think she sounds overly guilt-ridden or extreme.

Cosmopolitan would have us believe that sex is uber important, but to this OP, her faith is equally important. Why on earth shouldn't it be? Perhaps her partner will support her. Why shouldn't he?

Well, I can see you are somewhat fixed in your opinion. I would ask your minister to marry you pronto with the minimum of witnesses, thenstill have the "wedding" next year, but make it a blessing service as an opportunity to have all the family and frineds there and party at your castle. As you said earlier the important thing to you is the vows taken before God, so make thoses vows quickly and party with your frineds later.

But if your previous marriage has been annulled, then why is the pp refusing to marry you? Did I misunderstand? If your marriage was annulled, despite having a child, then I can only imagine the reasons, so can understand that you may want to make sure that this marriage is done for the right reasons.

"I think the reason is a feminist issue is that the idea that men can't live without sex is a sexist fallacy. That idea has been spouted a fair bit on this thread. "

Personally, I think it's humans of both genders who need sex in a loving relationship. Haven't seen anywhere on the thread that people suggested he needs it because he's a man.