to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

[snottyslimeclock]

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

Alouise I totally understand that if you do not have faith you don't get it. But at the moment sex is not making me happy and dp has noticed. He knows something is wrong.

i would consider signing the marriage license now and maybe asking your minister to bless your marriage then have the big wedding next year.

hadn't even occured to me when i last posted. so good advice other posters

OP I would just like to wish you happiness and blessing whatever you decide. (sorry, that sounds really twee, but I am in a rush and need to cook dinner. ) I am hoping you understand the sentiment even if the wording is rubbish.

Isn't making a human being together more committed in the eyes of God than swearing undying love to each other in the presence of Him?

If it isn't then it makes me feel sad and confirms my beliefs about organised religion. You have created a child together and surely you have a commitment to that child to keep every aspect of your relationship alive inclusing spititual side of your relationship which IMO is sex.

I respect your views and what you are saying but it does sound a bit bonkers tbh

Sorry YABU

Yes my dp attends church at the weekend with me, I also attend church groups during the week on my own.

It is not that he does not want to speak to the minister full stop, I just can't see him wanting to talk to the minster or anyone else from church about sex. He is a very private person.

We made a decision - as a couple - not to have sex until we thought we were going to be together forever, but just did not formalise that with marriage.

I am divorced so thought I was going to hell in a handcart anyway so thought I may as well be in a sexual relationship as I can't remarry and I can't go without sex forever. But things are changing and so are my beliefs about sex.

I am hoping that waiting until we are married may bring us closer together, maybe I am being naive.

Ladyanonymous we have not made a child together - my dd is from my marriage - which I did not choose to end. My dp and I would not have children outside of marraige, that is something we agree on.

You sound like you are either depressed, or there is something wrong in your relationship IMO and you are hisind both or either of these things behind your religious beliefs.

Sorry - I missed that bit .

That makes it slightly less bonkers then....

Thesecondcoming I see it as a development of what we have been doing - but somewhere along the line we lost our way.

As I said above we did not have sex until we knew we were going to be together for ever - that was almost two years into our relationship. We only agreed to having sex outside of marriage as my priest refused to marry us. We are Christians - not saints - we knew we would not last without sex forever.

I feel like I am doing AIBU by stealth which I do not mean to do.

I do not want to lose my dp and I do not want him thinking that I don't love him, if he can't do this I will resume our sexual relationship.

Totally unreasonable - you have a child together and you have a good relationship how is becoming celibate going to bring you closer? Sounds like some of the extremists is the Christian Union when I was a student who talked about becoming born again as virgins when they found God! You are committed to one another, it's not as if you are having casual sex. What difference will being married actually make? If it's really that vital that you be married before you consumate a relationship that has already been consumated countless times then bring forward the marriage - otherwise frankly who are you kidding?

Supersal maybe it will give us a chance to focus on other parts of our relationship. I am not denying that sex makes us feel incredibly close together, we are going to have to work hard to find something else.

If dp is totally against this I will not pursue it.

snotty What if you had an unplanned pregnancy. Would you bring the wedding forward for that? If so then I think you should bring the wedding forward if you want to remain celibate until you are married.

You can read many testimonies of couples who have decided to stop sleeping together in the series of books called "The God who Changes Lives" (HTB). They are very encouraging.

Hm. I think the reason people are suggesting you bring the wedding forward is that it would be a good compromise - respecting your new-found views on sex outwith marriage while at the same time acknowledging the strain that sudden abstinence at this time would put on your relationship. Don't underestimate that strain.

I wouldn't get too fundamentalist about the Bible - it was written in a very different cultural time. (But if you are going to go down that road, I think I remember a bit of the old testament saying that if an unmarried couple "lay" together then they had to get married anyway.)

I also would take some comfort from an idea by C S Lewis, [non-believers look away now!] that once you have slept with someone you are "one flesh" and you set up an eternal transcendental relationship with them. If you and your bloke are already "one flesh" and you know you want to marry, where is the harm in bringing it forward? Or is it that you're not really sure you want to marry and this is a slow way of letting everything down gently?

Best of luck OP, I have a feeling you'll need it.

""I just don't want to have sex. I have been busy with work and a bit low so he has not noticed. ""

That statement is very revealing.

I think that there is more going on here than religious beliefs.

I do not see how this idea can possibly benefit your relationship. You've already done the deed, so the sin is done. Are you thinking that you lessen the impact of the sin by commiting it fewer times? Is God really interested in statistics?

Come on, what is really going on?

Not to mention the fact that your DP may feel quite rejected. He may even be able to rationalise it to a certain extent, however relationships are not based on reason but on gut instinct. His feelings of rejection will probably still be simmering beneath the surface.

Also, you have stated that you do not use contraception but would not have a child out of wedlock? How does that work?

If you don't use contraception, how can you be sure you will not have a child out of wedlock, seeing as you have been having sex?

Are you Catholic? The contraception thing?

I'd say there might be no marriage, but just another breakup if you decide to go through with this.

I am not kidding anyone Lillian, as I said before we both wanted to wait - orginally until we were married. We were told we would not be allowed to get married. SO eventually the sexual relationship began. We are now in a position to get married.

I am not trying to pretend that we have not had sex, that would be daft. But sometimes we all do things wrong and then make a fresh start.