to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

[snottyslimeclock]

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

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Maybe you could get your hymen repaired and pretend to be a virgin on your wedding night too!!

OP, do you think that IF there is a loving god he cares about whether you are married or not as long as you love your partner and child?

Sorry, OP, but marriage is not a religious thing - it is a social construct designed by man so that if a man and woman set up home together and had a child, the man couldn't bugger off and claim no responsibility for them.

The marriage certificate acted as proof positive that the man had made a committment to the family, without it, there is no way of knowing what goes on "behind closed doors" and people will downgrade the relationship if it suits them.

Your post annoys me- you ENTIRELY MISS THE POINT about what marriage is about.

bloss - I thought you were going to point out where is the bit in the bible that says it is wrong for OP to sleep with her fiance?

Is that it - Deuteronomy 22? Is that your best shot? If so, then yes you will have to explain...

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Bloss, sorry, but its just not in the bible.
If it was in the bible, you would be able to tell me where to find it.
I know it is surprising - but I am right

Bloss, sorry, but its just not in the bible.
If it was in the bible, you would be able to tell me where to find it.
I know it is surprising - but I am right

Bloss' interpretation is correct from what I have googled read. It is the act of sex which binds you to the other person forever in God's eyes, and makes you married.

My sister and her now dh were chaste before they got married after both having had sexual relationships in the past (but not with each other) as a sort of re-commitment thing. They met at church after both being born again (although my sister was brought up Catholic, as was I), where their PP pretty much told them that God had said they should be together. They were engaged for about three months, and very lovey dovey during their engagement, but my sister told me that their honeymoon was very stressful and that sex was a big issue for a very long time. Now that might be because they really weren't that suited (I love my BIL, and they have been together for over 20 years now but they had only known each other for a short time, and when you are told that God says you should be together that's fairly powerful) or it might be utterly unrelated, but I don't think that you always get great sex after a drought.

When I got married (in a Catholic church to please my father) I had confession in the morning before the service and confessed to unmarried sex (I'm really not sure why I did this, as we'd been together for 5 years and I really really didn't feel concerned about the sex). The priest told me that was a pity and sex would have been much more special if we had waited. I am afraid I thought "what twaddle" and that apart from the wedding ceremony I've not been to church since.

Personally I think that religion would be a great deal more positive if it thought of sex as life giving rather than getting so horribly tangled up about it. I do wonder as a feminist whether this is because the act of giving birth to new life is so powerful it needs to be constrained in any male led faith (part of the fear of being cuckolded).

I'm aorry if anyone has already sadi thia, but I think the problem her is that the OP will say to her partner (in summary) "I would like us to be celibate for a year, but if you don't like the idea, we won't do it"

He says (again in summary) "I don't want to do that"

So they carry on their sexual relationship, but with him thinking every single time"She doesn't really want to do this - what an insensitive oaf I am - I have failed to live up to her high standards, and I am not living my faith as I should"

How would that be a good idea for him, her or their relationship?

bloss sorry, but that statement that they are married in everybody's eyes but the government is just wrong.

If, like me, you see marriage in it's true OBJECTIVE sense i.e. a legally-binding arrangement made before officials to make it absolutely clear that they are a couple, then I am afraid they are most NOT definitely married in my eyes.

Unless you personally are arrogant enough to think that YOU can define what a marriage is/isn't
Your way of thinking although outwardly benign is very, very dangerous.

Why? The SUBJECTIVE boll of seeing marriage as a lovey-dovey, religious thing has led many a woman into poverty.
Cos if a couple split, without that "Piece of paper" the courts will not get involved in a cohabiting couple's break-up (unless things are clear cut like JOINT mortgage arrangements).

I really shouldn't let my blood pressure go up so high this time on a sunday morning, but tell me, oh religious types, if marriage is NOT a legal thing- why the hell do lawyers have to get involved when a couple divorce.

Married in the eyes of God, divorced by the stroke of a solicitor's pen.

OP, forget god and marriage connection. If you are not rich in your own right, get married in a simple register office NOW (it costs &109.50).

She'll only know if she speaks to her DP and assuming they speak openly and honestly to eachother, then they can sort it out together.
There isnt much point coming on here asking for peoples opinion, you feel the way you do but you need to discuss it with your DP, not us.

Isn't religion wonderful, though,

SOLICITOR: "Sorry, Ms Smith that your partner has died and I know you brought up your child together in the house you shared for over 30 years, but because you're not married, well, you're not entitled to anything. And because your partner died intestate and the house is entirely in his name your child who you no longer get on with will get the house you've lived in for over 20 years. Never mind, chin up, you're married in god's eyes... That should bring you comfort."

hmm...

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from a christian perspective ( and that is what concerns OP ) Bloss is correct

bloss It doesn't really matter what OP thinks what marriage is for, either UNLESS she sees it for what it is: a legal thing she is wrong.

She can have as many fanciful ideas of marriage being a religious thing as she likes, but in Western society (ok am making assumption she is British, OP, forgive me if wrong) it IS a legal construct.

I agree with the bit of just going down the register down and signing the form though and having a "do" at a later date. That is sensible.

Well, jasper, if what you say is correct, then I think that OP needs to think about WHY this is the Christian viewpoint.

I am an atheist but I must say I entirely agree with the Christian stance of not cohabiting in a "serious" relationship with children outside of wedlock.
Playing around in short-term relationships is ok.

Marriage is perfectly designed for women (and men) who wish to form a long-term relationship and have children. The marriage certificate is a document that sets down in black-and-white what the couple's relationship is.

Cohabitation itself is not good enough because it is open to interpretation and people will downplay the nature of the relationship if suits (besides which, unless a couple declare their relationship to be a permanent one via marriage I don't think the state should involve itself in it if it breaks down- but that's another issue)

Perhaps the Christian viewpoint is as it is because Christian church realises it's importance as a social regulator?

YRNBU ? this is far more complicated than that. I feel for you, OP, I really do.

It sounds like you made decisions on the information you had at the time: i.e. you decided to have a sexual relationship with DP because your priest, at the time, said he would not marry you. You had to make a realistic choice at the time. If he hadn?t been so rigid and devoid of true Christian compassion you?d probably be married and not in this position now.

From what I remember from my Christian days, you don?t really need to atone for you sins as such because Christ died for you on the cross and took the sin away for you, if you truly believe in Him.

But it could make your relationship stronger ? if DP feels ok with it. I have heard of couples abstaining for a time before they get married even if they are already sexually active, and how it improved their sex life once they were married: absence makes the heart grow fonder and all.

But how are you going to spend your time with him over the next 12 months? When you switch the lights out at night are you just going to roll over and go to sleep, or if you want to develop together spiritually, will he be happy to pray with you?..

Are you willing to compromise with DP over this? What if he says ok to no penetration but what about for play, kissing etc?where are you happy to draw the line?

If you really look in your heart of hearts and there is no sign of depression, then, all I can say is don?t confuse guilt with what God?s asking you to do. Nothing will crush you?re faith faster.

Sounds like you?re going through a transition with your beliefs and I wish you all the best.

op I know a couple who both agreed to do exactly what you are considering, and for the same reasons.

They have now been happily married for over 25 years

This reminds me of when my sister met her dh and wanted to wait until they were married before having sex. My grandmother happened to overhear her talking to me about it.

"It's up to you, of course," she said "But let's face it, sex is fun and you're a long time dead."

Yes, but jasper presumably they were both in agreement about the decision.

I can't see most men agreeing to what OP is suggesting.
Besides, it would have to be about more than abstaining from sex. It would have to be separate rooms, separate houses, even.
It would take extreme discipline to refrain from sex otherwise.

I can see the sense in having a break from living together: at least when people do this prior to marriage it proves they're marrying because they want to and not because of a "might as well get married" attitude.

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bloss I don't want to sound cold, I appreciate that the reason why people marry is because they are devoted to one another (I mean why take such a major step otherwise?) and yes, marriage is a cause for celebration but in an objective sense, marriage really is just a legal matter in the West.