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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

305 replies

snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 19:23

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

OP posts:
SomeGuy · 16/06/2010 20:19

the (most) church is quite relaxed about premarital sex in a committed relationship. You are engaged after all.

If the wedding was in 3 weeks or even 3 months, it might enhance the wedding night/honeymoon, but a year is abit much TBH

CaptainWinky · 16/06/2010 20:20

Fleecy- she might be waiting for an annulment of prev. marriage?

PortiaNovmerriment · 16/06/2010 20:20

Have you answered the question about why you don't want to bring the wedding forward?

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 20:22

Yes I think it is hard to change the status quo captainwinky, I am hoping that it is something that will bring dp and I closer together and stonger.

It is not about pushing him away, controlling him or not liking sex. I am also going to discuss this with do rather than issue an order. I just thought I would see what people though. I am glad I have because I never thought of this as a control issue. But just incase he does think that I can reassure him.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 16/06/2010 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LillianGish · 16/06/2010 20:23

"But in part the hypocritical nature of what we have been doing has made me think that perhaps we should just stop having sex until we are married."
Surely the hypocritical thing in all this is that you have been having sex with your partner and indeed have been married before, but you somehow believe that by denying you partner sex until you get married you are wiping the slate clean.
(

ShirleyKnot · 16/06/2010 20:24

Sorry I'm being annoying but I haven't read the whole thread - Have you told your DP that this is the new plan? I've skim read, and see that this is something you want to discuss.

Are you asking for advice on how to frame this conversation?

bloss · 16/06/2010 20:24

Message withdrawn

CaptainWinky · 16/06/2010 20:26

Lilian- so nobody who ever sins is allowed to be forgiven?

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 20:27

FleecyI really want my marriage to work, for both of us it is a life time commitment. Because I have been developing as a person and as a Christian I want to wait until I am a little further down the line of that journey before starting on a new journey as a married woman.

Dp wants to wait a year as he has chosen the venue!

We have also been caring for my dp's elderly father who passed away not long ago - dp thinks it would be disrespectful to get married soon after his death. I respect that.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 16/06/2010 20:28

bring the wedding forward. Register office, bish bash bosh. Have a big party later if you need to. If marriage is the only issue then get married ASAP.

WidowWadman · 16/06/2010 20:29

"I can't believe the posters saying that were you not to have sex your fiancé might end the relationship. "

Then you're naive, blinder

Nobody is saying that she should allow her partner to jump her if she doesn't feel like it. However, sex is important for intimacy, and intimacy is important for relationships, and without it, relationships do fail.

If it's not consensual,will lead to frustration,and probably both of them feeling fucking miserable.

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 20:30

As a Christian I'd first want to assure you that there's nothing hypocritical in deciding that you disagree with having sex before marriage after you've started doing it. (If you were to decide drinking alcohol was wrong, for example, there would be nothing wrong in giving it up from this point on even though you've done it before.

The complication here obviously is that alcohol doesn't mind whether you drink it or not, but your partner does mind whether you sleep with him!

Obviously the next year would be difficult for you both, but other couples are engaged for a year without having a physical relationship.And at least there's a date fixed so you both know it's not forever.

It's a really difficult situation, I guess if you feel it's wrong then you should try to stand your ground as best you can. I would say however that it's not fair to ask your partner to share a bed with you without any sex. If you do try to stay celibate, I would suggest changing the sleeping arrangements, try to get separate rooms (at least separate beds) and avoid seeing each other naked. And make up for it with a lot of non-sexual affection

The

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 20:30

Yes I am shirley, I have been trying to discuss it with him for a few days but he has been in bed with flu - I don't think that was the best time.

OP posts:
LillianGish · 16/06/2010 20:31

Captain Winky I don't believe that for a moment. I don't think the OP has got anything to be forgiven for - I think it is completely preposterous that she thinks she has to stop having sex with her partner to try and atone for some perceived sin. Bonkers. As others have said - she's married to all intents and purposes, but if it's that important that she formailise it to assuage her guilt why doesn't she just bring the wedding forward?

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 20:33

imgonnaliveforever that is interesting as I though it might be more difficult in separate beds - as it would seem like a greater divide or even a rejection. I will discuss with him the possibility of sharing a bed or me moving into the spare room and whether we should move the wedding forward.

OP posts:
bloss · 16/06/2010 20:33

Message withdrawn

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 20:34

To me being married is about making a promise in church, so a registry office won't do.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 16/06/2010 20:35

it is bonkers. You know your DP better than anyone here so only you can have an idea of what his reacion will be. If he was all agreeable about being celibate until the wedding was disallowed for whatever reason, then the whole idea of abstaining surely won't be that much of an issue?

Just wait until he's better and tell him. You never know he may agree to bring the wedding forward and have a blessing later at the venue he is so keen on.

What's special about the venue anyway?

Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 20:35

lol bloss - yes he might

But I don't want to make him get married when he is still grieving or at a time when he feels is wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 20:36

I was being flippant about the venue - it is just a nice church and we booked a castle for the reception.

OP posts:
BeenBeta · 16/06/2010 20:37

You say you 'want to talk about this' but what if DP disagrees? Where will that leave you and him?

Personally, I think DP will be privately very unhappy even if he 'agrees' and in the end you will not stick to the agreement and you will just feel guilt.

Totally agree with bloss marriage is a serious commitment of the mind not a signature on a bit of paper. I felt I had commited myself utterly and completley and forever faithfully as if married to DW long long before the wedding. That is what you have clearly done already by privately and publicly promising to marry DP.

Dont put yourself and DP through this stress.

LillianGish · 16/06/2010 20:37

Did you get married in church first time round?

Morloth · 16/06/2010 20:37

Get married earlier.

A bit much to be pulling this on him now I think.

Is your DP as committed a Christian as you are? Are you prepared for what may happen if he says that isn't an acceptable arrangement and decides to leave? etc.

blinder · 16/06/2010 20:38

WidowWadman if she has non-consensual sex don't you think that might be a bit damaging for the relationship? Why are his wishes more important than hers?

There is nothing naive about me. If you knew me at all you'd laugh at the very idea. The idea that a woman should have sex to keep her partner is repugnant. The idea that a man is justified in leaving a partner because she takes a break from sex is archaic.

Perhaps her fiancé will understand her wishes and will focus on the other equally important aspects of intimacy, such as friendship, romance, humour, commitment, honesty, affection etc etc.

Many relationships were founded on a courtship period. No-one died of it. Men don't explode you know ladies.