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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

305 replies

snottyslimeclock · 16/06/2010 19:23

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

OP posts:
Sweeedes · 16/06/2010 21:05

Are you a born again virgin?

Morloth · 16/06/2010 21:06

It is a pretty huge change in the relationship blinder, huge. My comments are purely from a personal perspective. If my DH wanted this for any reason I would take it personally and would wonder whether he was the right person for me after all.

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 21:08

Hey snottyj,

First of all, if I were you I would ignore posts from people telling you the bible is a load of rubbish/god wouldn't mind. If God it putting this on your heart and mind then he's doing it for a reason.

Secondly, remember that society as a whole has over-inflated the importance of sex (just look at how it dominates media and advertisintg). People bulk at the idea that it's possible to go without sex and still be happy (perhaps they are missing something?)

Finally, consider that there are many ways to show a person that they are loved and affirmed and valued without having sex with them.

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 21:08

Hey snottyj,

First of all, if I were you I would ignore posts from people telling you the bible is a load of rubbish/god wouldn't mind. If God it putting this on your heart and mind then he's doing it for a reason.

Secondly, remember that society as a whole has over-inflated the importance of sex (just look at how it dominates media and advertisintg). People bulk at the idea that it's possible to go without sex and still be happy (perhaps they are missing something?)

Finally, consider that there are many ways to show a person that they are loved and affirmed and valued without having sex with them.

blinder · 16/06/2010 21:09

But the OP is not saying she never wants to have sex, or that she has gone off her partner, or that she has lost her libido. Those reasons would potentially feel very rejecting to her partner. This isn't about how she feels about him.

She just wants to wait until she is married. Many many couples have done this. What about when one partner is ill or when a baby comes along. It's not ideal but couples weather it. Like anything, if you work together it can strengthen the relationship.

LynetteScavo · 16/06/2010 21:09

Get married in church ASAP, then have the reception as planned.

Morloth · 16/06/2010 21:10

That is all fine imgonnaliveforever but what if OP's DP doesn't share your views?

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 21:10

Also God is big. If he asks you to do something and you obey, he is big enough to be able to work things out for the best for you

LillianGish · 16/06/2010 21:10

I don't think it's bonkers to want to stop having sex for whatever reason. What is bonkers is thinking that after being in a loving, sexual relationship a year of enforced celibacy somehow makes everything alright in the eyes of a God who disapproves of sex before marriage.

Morloth · 16/06/2010 21:12

blinder "...if you work together"

There is your answer, if OP's DP embraces this and says "Yes, lets do it" (or not as the case may be), then fine. But I don't think there would be anything wrong with him also thinking that perhaps this isn't the right relationship for him because their ideas about it are so very different.

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 21:14

agree morloth. This is a big issue for him and lots of sensitivity needed. I just think only one point of view is being properly put forward. It is possible op's dp will understand and accept her beliefs even if he doesn't share them. And it is for a fixed period of time anyway, not forever.

i

SloanyPony · 16/06/2010 21:15

There is no issue here, religious or otherwise. If you are not comfortable/happy having sex in the next year or however long, for any reason, do not.

If your partner is the one for you, he will wait, whatever your reason for deciding this.

End of.

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 21:16

Also people don't understand that if sex outside marriage is a sin (which op obviously believes it is) then God will give her a clean slate if she stops doing it. So yes, for a christian one year of celibacy WILL make everything right in God's eyes

LillianGish · 16/06/2010 21:16

And if he doesn't wait you can make sure next time you get into a relationship you remain celibate until you've tied the knot

Sweeedes · 16/06/2010 21:16

I think it might be bonkers to marry a man who you want to stop having sex with for a year.

noddyholder · 16/06/2010 21:17

I think its unlikely he'll agree! You are moving the goal posts of the original marriage vows and unless he feels the same and it has meaning to him he is going to feel short changed.This imo is one of those situations where yo will probably have to accept that you have missed that boat.You have already had sex outside marriage and there is little you can do but embrace your new faith in other ways.

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 21:21

Imagine a woman were to post and say she feels uncomfortable having sex during pregnancy or with a new baby, should she give in to her husband. What would the response be? Most people I'm sure would say don't be pressured into doing something you don't want to do.

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 21:21

Imagine a woman were to post and say she feels uncomfortable having sex during pregnancy or with a new baby, should she give in to her husband. What would the response be? Most people I'm sure would say don't be pressured into doing something you don't want to do.

imgonnaliveforever · 16/06/2010 21:21

oops -what happened there?

blinder · 16/06/2010 21:21

I find it bizarre that the assumption is that he won't want to work together with her. And all the advice you have given Morloth has been based on that assumption.

SSC I do think it's important to reassure your DP that it will be hard to resist him for the duration. And I think it will be important to show plenty of physical affection through kisses and cuddles. But I don't believe it needs to be such a terrible hardship as some have described it.

Morloth · 16/06/2010 21:22

I would think the response would be. Don't have sex if you don't want to and he can leave if he doesn't like it. Which is effectively what I am saying in any case.

Morloth · 16/06/2010 21:23

Because I wouldn't want to work with DH blinder, this suggestion would be utterly unacceptable to me.

CatechistKate · 16/06/2010 21:23

Are you RC, OP? They have an awful lot to say about sexual morality, much of which is well-thought-out lifestyle advice.

Artificial contraception is out because it invariably leads to an imbalance of power within a relationship (one person or other has to take responsibility for it-think about the pill, the condom, etc).

Sex outside of marriage is out because sex quite often leads to babies and it is self-evidently easier to raise a child in a loving, committed relationship than having to do it by yourself/in an abusive relationship/insert your own difficulty here

Marriage is a one-time-only offer. Divorce is out, not because the Church doesn't recognise that some marriages are not meant to last, but that when you commit to the very specific vows you take in a church, it cheapens it if you don't enforce it. Annulment is there for situations where it should never have been. It's not meant to be easy or populist.

I could go on for pages here but I'll spare you .

If you don't like it, no-one is forcing you into it, and you can leave at any time.

OP, these rules are all well and good, but they are designed around an ideal set of circumstances that real life often prevents us from having. You do the best you have with what you've got. But I think the most important doctrine preached by Christianity in all its forms is the concept of absolution. No-one in the Christian tradition wants you to feel guilty, not your God or your priest or your congregation. You go to confession, get it off your chest, do your penance and move on with a lighter heart.

Discuss with your DP (I really think you should: religious beliefs can be as final a deal-breaker as sex). Explain how you feel. Try abstinence and see if it works. And don't beat yourself up if you find out you can't stick to it.

CrankyTwanky · 16/06/2010 21:29

Can you have a small period of celibacy before the ceremony? 4-6 weeks, say,or whatever suits you both.

He might enjoy the waiting..and the amazing post-drought wedding night.

blinder · 16/06/2010 21:30

Morloth fair enough. Hopefully the OPs DP will be supportive.

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