to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

[snottyslimeclock]

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

I think its rather arrogant to say that you "know you are going to be together forever" esp after you say the end of your first marriage "was not your choice".

How do we ever know we can hope but to say you know is IMO tempting fate.

snottyslimeclock - to withhold sex at this stage in your relationship is a way for you to exert power and control over him. YABU to try to impose this on him at this stage.

Actually you are being a hypocrite and hiding behind religion.

If you're not enjoying sex either you or dp are doing it wrong..

I think you are using sex as a method of control, perhaps you need to have a serious think about what's really behind your decision.

Why did your priest refuse to marry you - because you have been married before? Have you moved churches now?

If you're not using contraception how have you agreed to not have children outside of marriage?

Um. Is there a possibility that you DP may think this about more than wanting to be chaste before marriage? Are there other issues regarding sex and its potential consequences that you have been facing recently? Forgive me if I am way out there. But.

According to the bible, it is the act of sex rather than marriage which binds people together forever in the eyes of God. But the bible has some pretty bonkers stuff in it.

I think that you should not just pick and choose the parts of a religion that you think you can manage to follow. Either you follow the rules or you don't. Suddenly deciding not to have sex does not make you any more good, or religious, or worthy.

Bonkers.

Done something wrong? You made love with your partner, that's a normal, healthy act.

coinoperated we only have sex when I am infertile. I have felt quite hypocritical and uncomfortable about this for a long time. But have always given in to the temptation of a devilishly handsome man.

But I am a stronger person now and feel that I can do it.

stuckinthemiddle by low I just mean that I have not been well and neither has he. We seem to have had endless bugs and colds. This is not about depression or stress, I am happier now than I have been in a very long time.

Infact when I look at the darkest times I used sex to make me feel better.

widow and others, I do not want to lose my dp over this. If he can't do this ( and hey I might not be able to) I will respect that and go back to how things were.

When I say bonkers, I mean things like

"Deuteronomy 22:21 she shall be brought to the door of her father?s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father?s house. You must purge the evil from among you."

So, what time is the stoning? Shall we bring wolf nipple chips and wear beards?

So now you're happy, you don't need sex?

Life without sexual satisfaction is unhealthy, seriously.

The fact that you are describing all the times you have had sex with your partner as "sin" and "wrong" is damned unhealthy.

Sex is a good thing.

ladyanonymous I married my first husband very young and knew long before I married him that it was not right. He was a cold, unloving and abusive man who cheated on me for years.

My present partner adores me and my dd, he also shares the same beliefs as me that a marriage is for life because it is a promise made before God. My x husband did not share those beliefs.

You are right in that we cannot see into the future so I cannot know for certain that we will be together for ever. But I am as certain as most married couples which was why we decided to start a sexual relationship. If we could have got married three years ago we would have done.

Yabu.

And a hypocrite.

You cant turn back the clock, you have a child. How does it affect how you feel about your child if you wish you had never had sex? What are the implications of that?
You wish you did not have her? How are you going to explain that to her in the future if she were to ask you about your convictions and choices in life?

It is idiotic, and have very little to do with "becoming more christian".

I've always thought that christian sexual morality was a bit of a contradiction in terms.

I am not trying to control my dp, I had not thought that he would interpret it that way so thankyou for alerting me to that. I will make it clear that it is not aboue control. If it was about control I would say to him "we are not having sex until we are married". I am not going to say that I want to talk about it.

Alouise I enjoy sex when we do it - a lot. I am a very sexual flirtatious woman. But lately I have been feeling guilty when I think about us as a sexual couple. I think there is more to us than that and we have the rest of our lives to be sexual together so it won't hurt us to wait.

I don't really understand what you mean when you say you were not allowed to get married. Who would have stopped you? Do you mean you couldn't get married in church because you'd been divorced?

Erm I don't know why all these posters are so keen for you to have sex against your will SSC. I think some of it is a knee jerk reaction against your reasons and your faith.

If it makes you uncomfortable to have sex (for whatever reason) you shouldn't do it. I can't believe the posters saying that were you not to have sex your fiancé might end the relationship.

If you want to take a break from sex do so. Many married couples have little or no sex. The birth of a child, for example, creates dry spells. Your partner will hopefully understand your wishes.

It is incredibly damaging to consent to sex out of duty or fear of your partner's reaction. Reluctant sex could harm your self esteem, your body and your relationship. So wait until you want to have sex. No biggie.

snotty you could get run over by a bus tommorow, go shag yer DP.

I think I know who you are and I can understand your reasons for wanting this, I think.

I am Catholic too and I have discussed doing this with the man I am seeing, who I have slept with a good few times but I feel guilty about it (and so does he, a bit).
My consensus (and my PP's, who I have discussed the matter with), is that it is hard to change the status quo (and especially more for you and your DP since you live together and it has been going on longer), but that if you can do it and get through it it will make your relationship far stronger. Your DP might even find that it renews his faith.

I have never said that I don't wish I had my dd, she was concieved in a previous marriage.

I don't think that an unplanned pregnancy can't happen to me. But the chances are quite low . But in part the hypocritical nature of what we have been doing has made me think that perhaps we should just stop having sex until we are married.

Can you give us a bit more detail on why you don't want to get married until next year?

It's just that, I do understand where you're coming from but if you stop having sex now, he'll probably resent it (and do you honestly think you can live together without sleeping together for a year?) and if you do carry on having sex and you feel guilty about it, your relationship will suffer for this.

I'm a Christian and I firmly believe God made sex something to celebrate the unique relationship you have with your DH - soemthing the two of you share with each other and no-one else. It's something that should bring you closer together and enhance the intimacy of the relationship. I'm not sure how you can take a step back from that.

SSC, I think the bit that isn't making sense to me is the apparent contradiction between saying you waited to sleep together until you were sure you were committed for life but you don't want to rush into marriage.

TBH as a Christian I understand your misgivings about the sexual element of your relationship prior to marriage, but I think waiting another year but still being together is a bit off. Either just get married - it doesn't have to be big and expensive - or you need to actually split up for a while to make up your mind.

I would also suggest you talk through with another christian with experience of being married to someone who doesn't share their faith (fully or otherwise) as it has real challenges that you should at least be sure you have thought through and discussed together.

I know this seems like a huge response to a relationship that's working well which you only had a 'minor' reservation about but marriage is an enormous commitment and I think there's a lot going on here.