Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare kid at DD's school - WWYD

224 replies

jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:23

DD is 5 and in Year 1. She has been friends with two girls, A & B, since nursery. At nursery the staff noted that when all 3 girls played together there would be arguments, all caused by B trying to run the show and hog A's attention for herself. Wasn't too worried as they were all so little.

Then when DD started school, A did too but B just missed out as she was a few weeks younger. During the reception year DD and A became firm best friends and had lots of play dates etc. They are both very laid back, friendly girls who always play really well together, they can seemingly spend any amount of time together without falling out which I have found is rare for 5 year olds!

Then last Sept B started school and because of the amount of reception kids that year she got put in Year 1 with DD and A, along with half a dozen or so of the eldest reception kids. Since then, B has done nothing but try to jettison A for herself, to the point where it is bloody ridiculous. She forces A to play with her at just about every break (A has told me she does this against her will because otherwise B will kick off and be a drama queen and she is afraid of getting into trouble for upsetting B), and tells DD that it's a game 'just for two people'. Every day after school she is pleading with her mum or A's mum to have a playdate, which does A's mum's head in. She sits next to A whenever she possibly can and according to A strokes her leg in a fawning kind of way...her obsession is a bit weird, she has no interest in making any other friends it would seem.

Because DD is not a pushy kind of girl, and B is bloody forceful and manipulative, she often finds herself shoved out of the trio and whilst she doesn't really get upset by it, from what I gather she spends a lot of playtimes alone as she has lost her best buddy. The daft thing is that despite all this, DD and A both like B and are more than happy to let her play with them, but that is not good enough for B, the only thing that works for her is A's full attention.

I'm good friends with both of the girls mums and A's mum is at her wits end with it all too. B's parents just seem to think that it is 'just B being B', and that all the girls are as bad as each other, but that really isn't the case. She can be downright horrible to DD, for instance after school today she had a play date at A's house and she said to DD 'Ha ha, I'm going to A's house and you're not, you're just going home'. She said this in front of DP and DP had a word with B about that being a pretty mean thing to say. The good thing is it's like water off a duck's back with DD and she is not upset, but I am fuming and have a good mind to have a word with B myself when I collect DD tomorrow.

Sorry, this is probably v boring, but if you are still awake WWYD?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 08/06/2010 23:26

Don't interfere with their friendships, they will work it out for themselves....so long as you are encouraging good behaviour from your daughter, there is not a lot you can do.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 08/06/2010 23:27

I'd mention it to the teacher, just tell her that it appears that B is very spiteful towards your child and that she is intent on splitting up the friendship that dd has with A, mention the problems that your child had with B at nursery.

Stroking her leg is weird, as is the obsession.

jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:30

Ha ha, I have no worries there, at times when I have been raging after some particularly nasty comment from B towards DD I have said things about how that wasn't nice of B to DD and she tells me off for 'trying to get her to not like B'!!!! I'm like, God, where's your inner bitch, child?! I'm not convinced she wasn't switched at birth!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/06/2010 23:31

what would i do???

hmm....well i'd leave it i think,because girls like this won't be so popular as they get older,and i think a 'new target' will come along soon enough.

have 2 girls,teenagers now,it will die its own death i think

ChippingIn · 08/06/2010 23:32

Will your DD and A go up to Yr2 in Sep whilst B stays in Yr1 or will they all go up? If only the two of them are going up I'd leave it, if all of them are going up I'd see if B could be put in another Y2 class and get DD & A together as much as possible over the holidays to cement the friendship, then they can allow B to play with them and not let her rule the playground...

jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:34

Already tried speaking to the teacher and she agrees that B is the issue here. But the teachers don't spend breaktimes in the playground, which is when most of the problems occur. And it's not like DD is getting really upset or anyone is being physically hurt, so I guess it all goes unnoticed with 200 kids running around.

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 08/06/2010 23:37

If DD isn't getting upset then I wouldn't do anything. Can you arrange playdates with A?

jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:38

I am praying for them to be seperated next year ChippingIn, but we won't know until the end of the term as it all depends on intake numbers for next year. DD and A have loads of play dates out of school anyway and her mum and I are trying to arrange for them to do a lot of the same activities over the summer so hopefully thet will get to hang out without B being a pain in the arse!

OP posts:
Chandra · 08/06/2010 23:38

It's children's stuff and as you properly mention there is little that the school can do to sort the problem during break times.

Rather than sort B, I would be wondering how to help DD to deal with B or organising playdates with D, E, F or G, so DD has a chance of finding other "best" friends.

jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:44

She does have other mates but her and A are like peas in a pod, and they get on so well. And I am very close friends with her mum too so it's good the girls are so close. But yes I probably should do more in encouraging a bit of friendship diversity!

OP posts:
jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:47

You are right ILoveTiffany, she does deserve to be unpopular when she is older. But I have visions of her turning into one of those girls who have minions that are scared of her, and she will just carry on being a bitch. And she will be good at netball. Why are girls like that always good at netball?

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 08/06/2010 23:49

Sorry, she may be a little madam but calling her a bitch? She's still a child.

scurryfunge · 08/06/2010 23:51

Seems a little bit mean.....stay out of schoolgirl friendship stuff....are you going to choose all her friends?

cory · 09/06/2010 00:31

Also, have you seen this for yourself or only heard your dd's version?

Have memories of a friend who stormed into school to deal with a situation where her ds had told her he was being excluded and bullied by one of the other boys. The teacher and the dinner ladies had a rather different view of the matter (as did I and other friends from the reports we had been getting from our dcs).

My friend's ds was not a liar. But he did see things from his perspective.

Ozziegirly · 09/06/2010 04:30

I was probably your child for a time at infants school.

My mum told me to make friends with other people.

I did, and out of the new friends I developed a best friend, who is still a close friend today, nearly 30 years later.

Incidently I don't really see "A" (Lindsey) or "B" (Angela) any more.

Jamiki · 09/06/2010 04:57

I've had the same problems with my DD at school.

Funny thing is they are all still happy to play with the mean kid if it's just the two of them.

I think it is just the number three, is always
difficult.

Unless there is violence or some such thing let them work it out themselves. We can't do it for them. They are learning about life.

It's hard for us to see our DCs little feelings hurt since we spend our lives trying to make everything just right for them.

They are growing up and away from us already

.

Far out, I'm going back to relationships,
Good luck.

mummytime · 09/06/2010 05:08

Don't pray they get separated, go and talk to the school 1st the class teacher at present. Then the headteacher (or whoever sorts out the classes). You won't be the first, I have requested my son wasn't put with someone before. Actually it would be even better if A's mum asked too. (B's doesn't look like she is going to.)

Otherwise bite your tongue and wait. (Good practice for boyfriends later.)

Snobear4000 · 09/06/2010 10:03

Ugh five uses of "play date" on one page. Too much!

pinkgrapefruitjuice · 09/06/2010 10:12

What would I do? I would back off a little. Let them sort it out for themselves. Encourage DD to be friendly with other children.

Look at it from B's point of view too, she probably felt excluded last year when she wasnt with her friends.

It sounds like it matters more to you than to your child, could this be because you are such good friends with A's mum?

shimmerysilverglitter · 09/06/2010 10:21

"But I have visions of her turning into one of those girls who have minions that are scared of her, and she will just carry on being a bitch."

Written off at the age of 5? How very .

You sound an awful lot more bothered by this than your dd OP. As you YOU are the one who doesn't actually like "B".

My ds has HFA and he often strokes or cuddles children he is friends with, seeking sensory input. Not saying "B" has SN but it sounds like she is seeking some kind of reassurance and feels quite insecure to be behaving like this.

coll2010 · 09/06/2010 10:43

I know you are concerned for your daughter but you are making yourself look v childish and super bitchy.

Poor girl is only 5 and is only just starting out at school, so is learning how to make friends. Let them sort it out without getting involved yourself. Your daughter sounds lovely and I'm sure she's going to have lots of friends.

shimmerysilverglitter · 09/06/2010 10:48

as though you are the one who doesn't actually like B.

I mean't to say.

Oblomov · 09/06/2010 10:59

This happens all the time OP. on a minor scale, has happened to my ds1. have you REALLY thought about this. 3's often don't work. But this girl A has to grow some bollocks really. stand up for herself and choose. and you have no control over this. if A is alowwing herself to be taken away, by B from your DD, what can YOU do. Or dd ? NOTHING.
The truth is, that A is not THTA good a friend to your DD , is she. She doesn't stand up fro your DD and say to B, don't do that. I want to play with DD, not you B.
Girl A does nopt like your DD as much as your DD likes her. hurtful, but the truth.
I know this, becasue this dawned on me about ds1. Ds1 then had a 'make a new freind week' and now plays with other people, including this lovely new boy thta the teacher matched them to. lovely he is. boy A is still nice. Boy B is a toe-rag. But just drop it. You need to encourage your DD to recognise what a TRUE friend is.

Scaredofthedark · 09/06/2010 11:02

WAY too involved in childhood friendships!! Knowing all the playground politics at childrens level- step back.

Let your dd make other frienships,have a word to teacher about your concerns and that's it.

Girls can be horrible to each other but to have decided a young girls future at 5 as a 'bitch' is too much!

You say your daughter is a little hurt, but you seem distraught!

Step back....

Morloth · 09/06/2010 12:29

I think you are over involved in your 5 year old's social life. It all sounds pretty standard to me, it certainly isn't bullying so I think you should let your DD sort it out herself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread