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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare kid at DD's school - WWYD

224 replies

jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:23

DD is 5 and in Year 1. She has been friends with two girls, A & B, since nursery. At nursery the staff noted that when all 3 girls played together there would be arguments, all caused by B trying to run the show and hog A's attention for herself. Wasn't too worried as they were all so little.

Then when DD started school, A did too but B just missed out as she was a few weeks younger. During the reception year DD and A became firm best friends and had lots of play dates etc. They are both very laid back, friendly girls who always play really well together, they can seemingly spend any amount of time together without falling out which I have found is rare for 5 year olds!

Then last Sept B started school and because of the amount of reception kids that year she got put in Year 1 with DD and A, along with half a dozen or so of the eldest reception kids. Since then, B has done nothing but try to jettison A for herself, to the point where it is bloody ridiculous. She forces A to play with her at just about every break (A has told me she does this against her will because otherwise B will kick off and be a drama queen and she is afraid of getting into trouble for upsetting B), and tells DD that it's a game 'just for two people'. Every day after school she is pleading with her mum or A's mum to have a playdate, which does A's mum's head in. She sits next to A whenever she possibly can and according to A strokes her leg in a fawning kind of way...her obsession is a bit weird, she has no interest in making any other friends it would seem.

Because DD is not a pushy kind of girl, and B is bloody forceful and manipulative, she often finds herself shoved out of the trio and whilst she doesn't really get upset by it, from what I gather she spends a lot of playtimes alone as she has lost her best buddy. The daft thing is that despite all this, DD and A both like B and are more than happy to let her play with them, but that is not good enough for B, the only thing that works for her is A's full attention.

I'm good friends with both of the girls mums and A's mum is at her wits end with it all too. B's parents just seem to think that it is 'just B being B', and that all the girls are as bad as each other, but that really isn't the case. She can be downright horrible to DD, for instance after school today she had a play date at A's house and she said to DD 'Ha ha, I'm going to A's house and you're not, you're just going home'. She said this in front of DP and DP had a word with B about that being a pretty mean thing to say. The good thing is it's like water off a duck's back with DD and she is not upset, but I am fuming and have a good mind to have a word with B myself when I collect DD tomorrow.

Sorry, this is probably v boring, but if you are still awake WWYD?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 19:24

A probably doesn't notice, belle.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 19:25

jen - you asked what we would do if a child was being mean in our house - you implied we would let it happen..

That isn't correct - I would say something mild like - that wasn't very nice - then distract.

I would tried to see it as behaviour - not character flaw

I would try to start from a position of remembering how young she is

Seriously - i know you can't believe it - but one day your DD will not behave nicely and your black and white views will come and bit you on the bum.

And finally - if she does things like turning on the water works to get her own way, then possibly this is a strategy which has worked with her parents - so if you want to blame anyone - maybe blame them

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 19:26

You reduced her to tears with scolding, jen. You called her a bitch online.

And you still don't get it.

I'm at a loss here.

I feel very sorry for your DD.

It all reminds me of those 'But we took you to stately homes' threads on here and the posts of the adult children of toxic parents.

misdee · 09/06/2010 19:26

telling a 5 yr old 'we dont do that here as its not nice, play together nicely girls' is a lot different to sitting them all down and reducing them to tears.

FGS woman, she is 5 years old.

cory · 09/06/2010 19:26

My friend went storming into school to tell the teacher that her son was being excluded by the other children. What she didn't know (though we could have told her- and the teacher did tell her) was that the other children were terrified of her son because of his rough habits and tendencies to push them over. But of course he was beautifully behaved in his mum's presence so she had no reason to suspect this at all.

The good news is, she simmered down, her ds (A) was carefully monitored, and within a year or two he had grown out of it, and the other children were happy to be friends again. By this time, one of the other boys (B) whose mum had been fuming over the A's behaviour then started doing very much the same thing. At this stage, A had become the strong gentle protector who went and got help when needed. So it would have been very unwise to write A off at age 6. As far as I can ascertain, my ds (let's call him C) has not yet occupied the place of playground terror- but I'm not going to stick my neck out.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 19:27

Probably not expat.

You are not exactly talking to them about being unkind jendaisy, please read through what you have written.

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 19:27

The common theme on those threads is this: It was never about DD, it was always about jendaisy and what jendaisy wanted for DD, whom she wanted her to play with, whom she liked for her DD.

Seriously, go and look on those threads and read them.

mamatomany · 09/06/2010 19:28

Is there nobody else your daughter would rather play with, it all seems quite intense.
I've been there and got the tshirt and trust me it gets worse as they get older, my huge mistake was to try too hard with DD's friendships the truth is now they are 8 and 10 they play with different people every playtime and don't give a shit because school is such a small part of their lives, I make the other 18 hours a day enjoyable.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 19:29

I am incredibly concerned that you have not only called someone else's child a bitch, but you have also said you wished your child would find her inner bitch aswell. Do you think it's OK for your child to behave this way?

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 19:29

DD1 is nearly 7 and still doesn't give a shit whom she plays with, although it's usually boys .

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 19:32

Expat - B is 'reduced to tears' each time her mum tells her she can't have a friend over to play after school (most days). it really doesn't take a lot to make that kid cry. Believe me, I didn't say anything unduly horrible to her, and for the nth time, her mum didn't have a problem with what I said so I'm not too sure why you do.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 19:35

jen, you need to learn how to let this go.

you are unnaturally, rather alarmingly angry at a 5-year-old girl.

do you realise how crazy that makes YOU sound?

i don't think you do, because you keep going on and on and on about it, trying to get someone to say, 'Yes, you are so right, jen, this kid is such a bitch.'

and it's not going to happen because a) YABVU b) with every post, you sound more and more thoroughly unlikeable, unpleasant and unkind.

mamatomany · 09/06/2010 19:35

Jen - that's not your problem if somebody else's daughter is a drippy thing, just be glad you don't have to live with her and tell your DD to go and play with the boys, as expat says it's often preferable believe me.

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 19:35

belled - I wish I could challenge you to spend a day around B and then come up with some words to describe her! I am not alone in my thoughts!

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 19:36

jen - so that is telling you that she's basically insecure and unhappy about friendships. Now, if it were asking your DDs life a misery then I could understand your anger. I do understand your irritation.

But you seem to have no empathy for her, and no understanding that she is 5

Please can you give me some feedback on my comments here? - I believe I have tried to see you POV and used mild language - but it's easier to get defensive toward the ones who are being more forceful

Morloth · 09/06/2010 19:36

Poor little girl, she sounds like a sensitive type who is a bit out of her depth in social situations.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 19:39

yy Morloth - my DS1 would cry if a playdate fell through in reception/year 1. Basically he found the whole group thing at school hard. Playdates were a chance to spend time with a child 1:!. He grew out of it, but if I had thought people were about him, calling him spoiled etc I would have been sad for him.

MillyR · 09/06/2010 19:39

It is a shame all of this kind of thing goes on. I played with girls at school and as an adult most of my friends have been women.

DD has not had that experience at all. She requested to the teacher to sit on a boys' table rather than sit with the girls. Her friends out of school are boys as well.

I do believe that parents exacerbate these situations with girls by involving themselves in a way that they just don't when boys fall out.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 19:40

jen, I trained as a paediatric nurse so have seen hundreds of children. I would never call any one of them a bitch, nor would I wish for my child to find his inner bitch. Your attitude towards this child is appauling.

Oblomov · 09/06/2010 19:45

Expat, I agree with belle. I think A prob does know. and likes it. not in a nasty way. just appreciating, subconsciously thta B and C are basically fighting for her attention/friendship.
when i realised that that ds1 was in a 3. but one where B and C were not friends, just both wanting A's attention, my instant thought was thta my son liked A more than A did him. no friend would treat someone that way. why is thta. what has my son done. becasue i DO know that ds is a sweetheart. i also know what a bugger and a pain he can be. unlike OP who seems naieve re her PFB.
It dawned on me thta the only thing was to leave A and B to get on with it. and then A would not be able to revel in my son fighting for his friendship.
ds had other friends before. and he has new freinds now.
Op needs to take this on board. but she is unable to.

MillyR · 09/06/2010 19:50

Agree with Obmolov. DD had an A and B. As soon as DD stopped bothering about it and played with others, A found a replacement for DD so that there are still two girls fighting over A.

PixieOnaLeaf · 09/06/2010 19:59

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expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 20:00

'belled - I wish I could challenge you to spend a day around B and then come up with some words to describe her! I am not alone in my thoughts!'

So that makes it okay then, to call her a bitch, to, as an adult, not be able to separate the behaviour from the ^child.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd quit posting, because you're just making yourself sound worse and worse.

PixieOnaLeaf · 09/06/2010 20:01

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misdee · 09/06/2010 20:04

screams PFB to me.

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