Nightmare kid at DD's school - WWYD

[jendaisy]

DD is 5 and in Year 1. She has been friends with two girls, A & B, since nursery. At nursery the staff noted that when all 3 girls played together there would be arguments, all caused by B trying to run the show and hog A's attention for herself. Wasn't too worried as they were all so little.

Then when DD started school, A did too but B just missed out as she was a few weeks younger. During the reception year DD and A became firm best friends and had lots of play dates etc. They are both very laid back, friendly girls who always play really well together, they can seemingly spend any amount of time together without falling out which I have found is rare for 5 year olds!

Then last Sept B started school and because of the amount of reception kids that year she got put in Year 1 with DD and A, along with half a dozen or so of the eldest reception kids. Since then, B has done nothing but try to jettison A for herself, to the point where it is bloody ridiculous. She forces A to play with her at just about every break (A has told me she does this against her will because otherwise B will kick off and be a drama queen and she is afraid of getting into trouble for upsetting B), and tells DD that it's a game 'just for two people'. Every day after school she is pleading with her mum or A's mum to have a playdate, which does A's mum's head in. She sits next to A whenever she possibly can and according to A strokes her leg in a fawning kind of way...her obsession is a bit weird, she has no interest in making any other friends it would seem.

Because DD is not a pushy kind of girl, and B is bloody forceful and manipulative, she often finds herself shoved out of the trio and whilst she doesn't really get upset by it, from what I gather she spends a lot of playtimes alone as she has lost her best buddy. The daft thing is that despite all this, DD and A both like B and are more than happy to let her play with them, but that is not good enough for B, the only thing that works for her is A's full attention.

I'm good friends with both of the girls mums and A's mum is at her wits end with it all too. B's parents just seem to think that it is 'just B being B', and that all the girls are as bad as each other, but that really isn't the case. She can be downright horrible to DD, for instance after school today she had a play date at A's house and she said to DD 'Ha ha, I'm going to A's house and you're not, you're just going home'. She said this in front of DP and DP had a word with B about that being a pretty mean thing to say. The good thing is it's like water off a duck's back with DD and she is not upset, but I am fuming and have a good mind to have a word with B myself when I collect DD tomorrow.

Sorry, this is probably v boring, but if you are still awake WWYD?

Should you not tell your DD to make new friends? If friend A is influenced by friend B then let them get on with it.

You seem far more bothered about it than your DD. I agree with what scaredofthedark has said. You're far too involved in this and getting overly flustered about it.

You need to take a step back and analyse how you have got to this stage. I find it very strange that both nursery staff and teachers have told you that B is the problem - I would assuem that teachers would be more discreet ? I think one of the key issues is that you are friends with As mum, so it makes life easier for you if they are close friends. Seriously, at age 5 friendships are transient and shouldn't be such hard work. If your daughter isn't bothered, then you shouldn't be either.

There are 3 girls in my class who, if they weren't 9, I would be convinced were your DD and her friends.

One of them is obsessed ( and believe me, this isn't too strong a word) with another to the point of creepiness, and has been since reception. If anything, the situation has got worse as she has got older.

Staff try to manage the situation by making sure that these two are not partners in PE etc., and that the first girl's other friends get a look in.

Second girl is tolerant and obviously likes first girl very much but sometimes looks strained by the attention and irritated that her other friends are being (literally) pushed away.

Got the girls mixed up in the last paragraph but you get the gist!

This is why I home educate women like this make me [bicuit].

Get your own life.

I think you have waaaaay too much time on your hands. I can see its annoying but as long as DD is OK I think you need to step back and hope that this passes in time. They are only 5 FFS

I also think its very nasty how cruel you are being about a 5 year old, you are how old exactly?????

I was in the same position of A at school - around the same age, in fact.

Another girl used to try to get me to play with her, and leave my other good friend out - even with almost the same words, 'this is a two's game'. I was far too docile to stand up to her, but it worked itself out surprisingly quickly.

I haven't been friends with the hogger since childhood, but I am still best friends with the girl that 'hogger' tired to oust, 30 years later. And we still laugh about the 'two's game' comment!

Nobody ever got involved or stepped in and we were left to our own devices to sort it out.

If it bothers you that much then speak to the class teacher and ensure they aren't in the same class next year. Friendship dynamics change a lot at that age.

From your posts it appears you are trying to put adult motives on a 5 yr old's behaviour which seems very odd to me as a mum of a 5 yr old too.

I have to admit there is an element of truth in saying that I don't like B. When she is not being vile she can be a really sweet girl and fun to be around (she lives opposite so plays with DD quite a lot and usually when it's just the two of them they are fine). But she is always lying about things, and manipulating situations to her advantage in a way that is way beyond her years.

Typical example, one day after school I took her and DD to a soft play centre. I got them an apple juice each and got myself a hot chocolate, and ordered them both fish fingers for tea as that's what they wanted. B clocked my hot chocolate and said she wanted one. I said if she ate all her tea she could have one. Food arrived quickly and DD sat and chomped through all of hers, whilst B nibbled on about half a dozen chips and didn't touch the fish fingers. Then asked for a hot chocolate. I said no as she had hardly touched her food. She kicked right off at me and tried telling me that her plate was actually DD's plate and she had eaten all her dinnner (I was sat there the whole time so it definitely wasn't). This went on for about 10 mins before I had to firmly tell her that she wasn't going to get a hot chocolate and lying to me wasn't the best way of going about getting one. Cue major flounce from her where she told me she was NEVER going to that place with me again. "Fine" I said with a smile. And sure enough I haven't taken her anywhere since.

She does the best 'I'm so hard done by' hissy fits and that's why A won't stand up to her. It's a complex kind of bullying because she is not being mean to A, she is just hogging her for herself. If A did say 'No B, I am playing with X,' B would go to an adult on duty and (very convincingly) make out that she has been victimised and the upshot would be that A would end up having to play with her anyway and getting told off as well.

I'm confused now - is 'A' YOUR child ?

I don't think it is your place to "have a word with B" when you see her next. If I was B's Mum I would be v annoyed about that. Do be careful.

keep up sassy
OP's DD. A= girl her DD likes. B= girl who tries to get A all for herself.

you haven't answered my questions OP. and from your last post, it seems this is very ott. it has really got to you.
my ds was upset at the nasty things boy B said(like it was game for 2, he would flush ds's head down the toilet, he was stupid becasue he wore glasses- only when the flushing toilet thing and glasses thing, happened did i meantion it to teacher, becasue ds wouldn't wear his glasses - which teacher , beautifully dealt with. and as i said , ds still likes A, but has other friends more now anyway. but i told him if that the boy A who he really liked was his true friend, he wouldn't treat him/ or let him be treated this way.
and your dd is not uopset. you ARE. she is not.

so what are you going to do then OP ? you have been given LOTS of good advice.

OP you are not taking any of the hints here, are you ? stop. step away. please. don't talk to B or B's mum.

God help you when your dd becomes a teenager if you can't cope with how 5 year old girls behave

OP - You need to chill - tis difficult I know, but things will get a lot worse before they get better - not necessarily with this situation but with girls in general - they are a nightmare - the bitchiness, the falling out, the who is cool and who isn't cool - you have years of it to come so need to get some perspective on this.

they are children!- 5 year old girls!theyll be best friends one day,worst enemies the next.dont get involved.

Woah. You are far too involved, and reading far too much in to, the relationships of three very small children. Get some perspective. If your DD isn't upset, why are you interfering?

Ha, yes I know this is just the tip of the iceberg! Not looking forward to teenagedom (esp if DD is anything like me!).

I must confess I have already have quite a strong word with B, back in the easter holidays. DD had A over to play, B saw her arrive from the window of her house, and the next thing B is at the door with her mum. DP answered the door and let her in (her mum went back home). Then B immediately starts trying to exclude DD from games IN HER OWN HOME. This went on for an hour or so, then I took them to the park as it was a nice day. B carries on being really unkind to DD and telling her she can't play with A. DD got really upset and came over crying at which point I did lose it with B. I called her over and made her apologise to DD. Then spent a good 10 minutes telling her that there is no need to behave the way she does, that A's friendship is not a competition and that neither DD or A are mean to her so there is no need to be mean to them. She then burst into tears herself and said 'But you don't understand, DD and A are always having play dates and it's not fair' etc etc etc. I was probably a lot harsher to her than you would normally be to someone else's kid but I had watched her sytematically bullying my daughter all afternoon when she wasn't even bloody invited over in the first place. I did ask another mum from school who was there whether I was out of order with what I had said and she said no, I did the right thing, B needed to be told.

By this point A had slunk off under the play frame and was sat there on her own looking upset. I went over to see if she was OK and she said she was sick of B never letting her play with anyone else. I called DD and B over and we all sat there having a really good calm chat about how everyone felt, I gave all the girls equal attention and let them all have their say. What changed as a result? Absolutely nothing!

In answer to your question Oblomov I think I will just have to leave the situation to sort itself out. If DD starts getting upset regularly by B's actions I will think again but for now I should probably leave it. The good thing is that despite them all being very close in age, B is in the year below so sooner or later they will get separated, hopefully it will be this year but if not it will definitely be the year after.

You sound a bit loony actually.

There are kids that DS knows that I am not too keen on (same as with adults), however I keep my opinions to myself and just don't offer to take them anywhere.

You do understand that it is your DD at school here and not you?

They are 5, you are supposed to be the grown up.

this is not bullying. This is how children behave, give it a few months and it'll be your dd doing the excluding. That's how children's friendships work, friends one day, and not the next.

What are you going to do when your dd and A fall out, because they will fall out, you are naive if you think they will be best friends for ever.

You need to stay out of it, tell your dd to play with other kids if a doesn't want to play with her, and don't get involved in A and B's friendship because frankly, it's none of your business.

She sounds like a pain in the backside.
Definitely endourage your dd to make other friends.

Is this a wind up? You sound unhinged.

These children are 5 years old - you need to get a grip before your daughter ends up damaged or hating you. Or both.

At what age does deliberate exclusion by one child to another child become bullying?

If my DD was forcing one of her friends to play with her exclusively and making their other friends go away I would tell her that was wrong and that controlling someone like that was a form of bullying.