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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare kid at DD's school - WWYD

224 replies

jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:23

DD is 5 and in Year 1. She has been friends with two girls, A & B, since nursery. At nursery the staff noted that when all 3 girls played together there would be arguments, all caused by B trying to run the show and hog A's attention for herself. Wasn't too worried as they were all so little.

Then when DD started school, A did too but B just missed out as she was a few weeks younger. During the reception year DD and A became firm best friends and had lots of play dates etc. They are both very laid back, friendly girls who always play really well together, they can seemingly spend any amount of time together without falling out which I have found is rare for 5 year olds!

Then last Sept B started school and because of the amount of reception kids that year she got put in Year 1 with DD and A, along with half a dozen or so of the eldest reception kids. Since then, B has done nothing but try to jettison A for herself, to the point where it is bloody ridiculous. She forces A to play with her at just about every break (A has told me she does this against her will because otherwise B will kick off and be a drama queen and she is afraid of getting into trouble for upsetting B), and tells DD that it's a game 'just for two people'. Every day after school she is pleading with her mum or A's mum to have a playdate, which does A's mum's head in. She sits next to A whenever she possibly can and according to A strokes her leg in a fawning kind of way...her obsession is a bit weird, she has no interest in making any other friends it would seem.

Because DD is not a pushy kind of girl, and B is bloody forceful and manipulative, she often finds herself shoved out of the trio and whilst she doesn't really get upset by it, from what I gather she spends a lot of playtimes alone as she has lost her best buddy. The daft thing is that despite all this, DD and A both like B and are more than happy to let her play with them, but that is not good enough for B, the only thing that works for her is A's full attention.

I'm good friends with both of the girls mums and A's mum is at her wits end with it all too. B's parents just seem to think that it is 'just B being B', and that all the girls are as bad as each other, but that really isn't the case. She can be downright horrible to DD, for instance after school today she had a play date at A's house and she said to DD 'Ha ha, I'm going to A's house and you're not, you're just going home'. She said this in front of DP and DP had a word with B about that being a pretty mean thing to say. The good thing is it's like water off a duck's back with DD and she is not upset, but I am fuming and have a good mind to have a word with B myself when I collect DD tomorrow.

Sorry, this is probably v boring, but if you are still awake WWYD?

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thesecondcoming · 09/06/2010 20:04

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nancydrewrocks · 09/06/2010 20:08

Jen you have lost all perspective.

My DD is 5. There is a mum at DD's school who you appear to have a lot in common with: she will speak to children about them not "playing nicely" with her DD the previous day; she has told my DS (3) off when he has "teased" her DD prior to school starting; she constantly "tells tales" to the teacher about the perceived poor behaviour of other children.

In short she is a nightmare and all the other parents avoid her.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 20:10

And your DD is probably so 'upset' by it because you give her attention when she tells you about it. Seriously, if you distinguish between the important and the not so important stuff, they soon learn to tell you about what is really important.

Pixie - God, that is so true - it has taken me a while to see that myself with my DSs

hocuspontas · 09/06/2010 20:11

I wish B's mum would stick up for her daughter and teach her how to cope with situations. It's not surprising she has no confidence or self-esteem.

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 20:20

Pixie - I can assure you that B's mum is not scared of me - she is 15 years older than me and we have been friends since I moved here, she is an immediate neighbour and I see lot of her. Plus I am about as unscary as people can get.

It is not just the hot chocolate thing which is the reason that I will not take her out anymore (she did not cry then btw if you read the post, she lied and tried to drop DD in it for not eating her dinner when in fact it was her own dinner that had not been eaten). She was consistantly rude and demanding whenever I took her anywhere, and would make the whole day out really unpleasant for everyone. DD has other friends who I will happily take out for the day and there are no problems as they can behave to a reasonable standard. I am not expecting 5 year olds to be perfectly behaved, but I will exercise my right to not take a child who behaves like she does out.

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mumbar · 09/06/2010 20:21

B has low self confidence and can't cope when she doesn't call the shots. I Know 1 myself and she is a lovely girl tho at times I wanna say 'ffs B you don't have to have that just because so and so has picked it up, you don't always have to go first and the whole world is not against you when so and so has something you don't!!!'

Look for the good in B as your DD does and try to see things from her point of view.

I actually think hocus has a very valid point.

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 20:27

I think you hit the nail on the head there, mumbar. B always lies about things, fabricates activities that she is doing, toys which she is getting etc etc, and I think she wishes that's how life is to the point where she actually believes it herself. DD and A know that B makes a lot of stuff up but they have both become pretty good at distinguishing the make believe from the truth.

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PixieOnaLeaf · 09/06/2010 20:28

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DinahRod · 09/06/2010 20:28

Jen, whilst I'm not going to castigate you, I do think you need to think what your interference will achieve? Momentary harmony between the girls. Then how often are you going to have to interfere? Weekly? Daily? More often? Whilst perceived unfairness to your child is irritating, especially as you think a few quick words will put it all right, your dd needs to learn these coping and social skills herself.

DD(2) is starting school next year and expects everyone to be her friend and it's horrible when they start to realise that everyone isn't. But then my job as her mum is to cuddle her if she's upset, talk about it if she wants to and to send her off the next so she learns little by little independence for herself.

And this is what girls do. Boys bash each other (and have been there with ds on this one too!)

ScreaminEagle · 09/06/2010 20:29

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PixieOnaLeaf · 09/06/2010 20:30

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MistyBell · 09/06/2010 20:31

Girls are terrible for this friendship stuff. They can be really intense, it's almost like falling in love and its really hard to watch them hurt.

I saw a great post on girls and their friendships which had some useful tips on how you can help your child deal with the trials and tribulations of friendships. lets face it she'll have them for life. wp.me/pS00T-vW

Scaredofthedark · 09/06/2010 20:33

What is with all thedetailed minature of the petty arguments your daughter and her friends have?

'she said this...'
'she did that...'
'then she said that....'
'then we said..'
'they went...'

GOD!!!!

They are children!!!!!
Like I said 20 or so posts ago, step back.

Now I also feel the urge to say stop arranging play dates and every aspect ofyour daughters free time and get a hobby!!!
Or a man!!

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 20:33

Pixie - It's not like on a daily basis I am worrying about this or trying to sort it out with the other parents. It has just been a low-level, long term annoyance that sometimes, like yesterday, makes me want to vent about it. I am proud of DD for handling the situation like she does, and still being friends with both of the girls, and seeing B's mean behaviour when it occurs for what it is. I am almost full term pg and run a business as well as being a carer (and a parent of course!) so believe me I have better things to do than worry about this day in day out.

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PixieOnaLeaf · 09/06/2010 20:35

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jendaisy · 09/06/2010 20:36

Scaredofthedark - Gosh wouldn't I love to know you IRL. I have a man thanks very much. And I am not at all controlling over 'every' aspect of my daughter's free time, please see my post to Pixie above.

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jendaisy · 09/06/2010 20:38

Pixie - I think I did actually say something along those lines on about page 2 of this thread. Then I continued to be attacked and felt the need to defend myself.

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belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 20:39

If your daughter's not bothered by her then you are spending alot of time and effort worrying about nothing. I'd leave it, these things tend to sort themselves out.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 20:41

nobody ever talks to me

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 20:44

seriously - have I got the lurgy? - I invest all this time and vast wisdom on AIBU and I get fecking ignored

< goes down to the garden to eat worms >

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 20:44

Pixie - This is what I think re the lies told by B (though I could be wrong of course). Her parents were in their forties when she came along and she was a bit of a surprise. They had one DD who was about to fly the nest so had their social lives back and they are both quite gregarious, partying sorts. They love B to bits but they do kind of carry on with their adult lives and she is expected to muggle along with them. I spend a lot of time taking DD to kiddy related places even though quite often they are awful IYKWIM, but B doesn't really get any of that. So I think she does behave the way she does and make things up for the attention, especially as her two mates, DD and A, both come from homes which are very kid orientated and I think that makes her feel like she is missing out.

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expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 20:45

Are you B's mum, Jamie. That could be why.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 20:45

Nice you are trying to understand the girl instead of just feeling angry at her

PixieOnaLeaf · 09/06/2010 20:45

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ScreaminEagle · 09/06/2010 20:46

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