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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare kid at DD's school - WWYD

224 replies

jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:23

DD is 5 and in Year 1. She has been friends with two girls, A & B, since nursery. At nursery the staff noted that when all 3 girls played together there would be arguments, all caused by B trying to run the show and hog A's attention for herself. Wasn't too worried as they were all so little.

Then when DD started school, A did too but B just missed out as she was a few weeks younger. During the reception year DD and A became firm best friends and had lots of play dates etc. They are both very laid back, friendly girls who always play really well together, they can seemingly spend any amount of time together without falling out which I have found is rare for 5 year olds!

Then last Sept B started school and because of the amount of reception kids that year she got put in Year 1 with DD and A, along with half a dozen or so of the eldest reception kids. Since then, B has done nothing but try to jettison A for herself, to the point where it is bloody ridiculous. She forces A to play with her at just about every break (A has told me she does this against her will because otherwise B will kick off and be a drama queen and she is afraid of getting into trouble for upsetting B), and tells DD that it's a game 'just for two people'. Every day after school she is pleading with her mum or A's mum to have a playdate, which does A's mum's head in. She sits next to A whenever she possibly can and according to A strokes her leg in a fawning kind of way...her obsession is a bit weird, she has no interest in making any other friends it would seem.

Because DD is not a pushy kind of girl, and B is bloody forceful and manipulative, she often finds herself shoved out of the trio and whilst she doesn't really get upset by it, from what I gather she spends a lot of playtimes alone as she has lost her best buddy. The daft thing is that despite all this, DD and A both like B and are more than happy to let her play with them, but that is not good enough for B, the only thing that works for her is A's full attention.

I'm good friends with both of the girls mums and A's mum is at her wits end with it all too. B's parents just seem to think that it is 'just B being B', and that all the girls are as bad as each other, but that really isn't the case. She can be downright horrible to DD, for instance after school today she had a play date at A's house and she said to DD 'Ha ha, I'm going to A's house and you're not, you're just going home'. She said this in front of DP and DP had a word with B about that being a pretty mean thing to say. The good thing is it's like water off a duck's back with DD and she is not upset, but I am fuming and have a good mind to have a word with B myself when I collect DD tomorrow.

Sorry, this is probably v boring, but if you are still awake WWYD?

OP posts:
Morloth · 09/06/2010 18:42

*social skills.

2shoes · 09/06/2010 18:42

By jendaisy Wed 09-Jun-10 18:26:11
2shoes - she did not give a reason for her behaviour! There was no reason, other than as per usual she cannot bear A to play with anyone else.

sorry don't get that.
you are talking about a 5 year old, you expect her to explain her feelings to you.....
an adult who is bullying her

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 18:42

But B is not being pushed out. DD and A are completely happy to play with her and B does come here and go to A's house to play, and vice versa, there is no pushing out going on at all from the other two girls. I am certainly not trying to push her out of anything, I don't like having her here when both A and DD are here as she is horrible to DD when all three are together but I think that's fair enough. She is welcome to play here any other time.

Thesecondcoming - if a child was being nasty to your child you would just leave it then? Surely that is not very nice in itself? I did not say anything that was unkind, or try to scare the child in any way, i was just trying to point out how her behaviour affects other people. Then we all had a chat about it together, and yes you could say that I was the equaliser but they are all 5 years old and not really capable of equalising themselves. The end result was (for that day at least), that all three were a lot happier and played really nicely until it was time to go, then went and picked daffodils together on the way home. So none of them were traumatised and I think they were all glad to get their feelings out in the open. I was very careful to make it very clear to B that both A and DD liked her very much and they both really wanted to be her friend, I didn't pick on her or try to make her feel bad.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 18:42

And I must say, it does sound as if it would just be far simpler for you and Bs mum (who is your friend) if B were out the way. But that's about your friendships.

Leave Bs mum to deal with the issues with B.

SixtyFootDoll · 09/06/2010 18:43

It sounds to me like you want your daughter and girl A to be exclusive friends and dont want anyone else joining in.

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 18:44

Thanks for the synopses, Morloth and Stewies.

Sounds like a real, erm, nightmare.

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 18:45

2shoes - it was you who told me B had given me a reason! She didn't! I was just wondering what the reason was as I clearly missed something in my own post...

OP posts:
grumpypants · 09/06/2010 18:45

I would be sooo cross if you did this with my child. Attempting to analyse her behaviour and to change her thought patterns when you were meant to be having a nice time out. FGS tell your dd to let it go. Spend some time with A's mum and A out of school and leave A and B to play together at school. Or tell A's mum to spk to the teacher if A is really suffering.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 18:45

X post - the trouble is, you are trying to work all this out from the perspective of not liking the child (and again, I know how that feels). But she is likely to sense that. So in a way you are using your power over her. She is 5, not a reasoning, empathic child yet.

2shoes · 09/06/2010 18:46

jendaisy think you have me mixed up with some one else.

traceybath · 09/06/2010 18:46

As pretty much everyone else has said you are too involved.

DS1 is in a group of 3 and its a nightmare - but the teacher is doing lots of work on friendships in the class and I actively encourage him to play with lots of other children.

Your behaviour in the park was mad and I would have been furious if I was that girl's mother - a 10 minute telling off resulting in tears is way too much.

thesecondcoming · 09/06/2010 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 18:48

Got my As and Bs mixed up, I think

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 18:49

By 2shoes Wed 09-Jun-10 18:42:10
By jendaisy Wed 09-Jun-10 18:26:11
2shoes - she did not give a reason for her behaviour! There was no reason, other than as per usual she cannot bear A to play with anyone else.

sorry don't get that.
you are talking about a 5 year old, you expect her to explain her feelings to you.....
an adult who is bullying her

OP posts:
colditz · 09/06/2010 18:49

B is four or five years old. I haven't read the thread, but this is NOT a nightmare child at all. This is a tiny little girl socialising the way tiny little girls do.

Gigantaur · 09/06/2010 18:49

I am astounded that you are talking about a 5 year old like this.

and that you are child A's mother are actually planning ways of avoiding and cutting her out of your summer plans.

the child isn't the bitch, you are.

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 18:50

You, OP, an adult, are spending very much time analysing the rather mild behaviour of a 5-year-old who isn't even your child.

Have you no hobbies - MN, knitting, bird-watching? Is there not a quilting circle you can join? Some line-dancing?

I'm concerned.

If I were you, since you asked WWYD, I'd make an appointment with your GP to get referred for some counselling or an appointment with a psych nurse, tbh.

colditz · 09/06/2010 18:50

In short, yes you are being unreasonable.

No, you won't believe us if the entire world rises up and screams YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE

2shoes · 09/06/2010 18:51

jendaisy read what you just posted, I never said she gave you a reason, I said you expected her to explain her feelings.
think you have got muddled(can understand it with all the a's and b's)

MillyR · 09/06/2010 18:51

I am going to refer to the Op's child as C.

From what the OP has said in different posts:

  1. Sometimes A plays with B, and C is pushed out.
  1. Sometimes A plays with C, and B is upset and tells the teacher she is pushed out.

My daughter has been a C. I have told her that A is the issue. If someone will not play with you because someone else won't let them, that is nonsense. The whole thing is a power game played by A, which is not bringing out the best in C's mum or B.

Op, tell C to go and make friends with D,E, and F instead.

Gigantaur · 09/06/2010 18:51

another thought - your DD and A are both happy to play and be friends with B and yet you and A's mother are trying to exclude her because you feel that at 5 years old she is a bitch.

you are an utter disgrace

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 18:52

Oh, and you are right 'B' would be much better without 'A' or your child in her life.

Because who needs a childhood friend whose mum sits around analysing their Chinese whispers on the net?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 18:53

Now, now - I think it's just that the mother tiger has awoken, and jen has not yet had any experience of her own child being anything less that lovely

Sorry if that sounds a bit patroninsing - but I do think that is what is happening here.

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 18:54

thesecondcoming - I don't think I do need lessons in coping with life, believe me my life has not been a bed of roses. If only I were perfect like you . DD is actually a very kind, happy, well adjusted little girl so I don't think I have done that bad a job.

OP posts:
Morloth · 09/06/2010 18:54

I think it sounds like A plays with C until she gets a "better" offer, i.e. B.

As she doesn't know how to tell C this (what with being 5 and all) she makes it B's fault.

Possibly she is trying to please C's Mum by saying this.

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