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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare kid at DD's school - WWYD

224 replies

jendaisy · 08/06/2010 23:23

DD is 5 and in Year 1. She has been friends with two girls, A & B, since nursery. At nursery the staff noted that when all 3 girls played together there would be arguments, all caused by B trying to run the show and hog A's attention for herself. Wasn't too worried as they were all so little.

Then when DD started school, A did too but B just missed out as she was a few weeks younger. During the reception year DD and A became firm best friends and had lots of play dates etc. They are both very laid back, friendly girls who always play really well together, they can seemingly spend any amount of time together without falling out which I have found is rare for 5 year olds!

Then last Sept B started school and because of the amount of reception kids that year she got put in Year 1 with DD and A, along with half a dozen or so of the eldest reception kids. Since then, B has done nothing but try to jettison A for herself, to the point where it is bloody ridiculous. She forces A to play with her at just about every break (A has told me she does this against her will because otherwise B will kick off and be a drama queen and she is afraid of getting into trouble for upsetting B), and tells DD that it's a game 'just for two people'. Every day after school she is pleading with her mum or A's mum to have a playdate, which does A's mum's head in. She sits next to A whenever she possibly can and according to A strokes her leg in a fawning kind of way...her obsession is a bit weird, she has no interest in making any other friends it would seem.

Because DD is not a pushy kind of girl, and B is bloody forceful and manipulative, she often finds herself shoved out of the trio and whilst she doesn't really get upset by it, from what I gather she spends a lot of playtimes alone as she has lost her best buddy. The daft thing is that despite all this, DD and A both like B and are more than happy to let her play with them, but that is not good enough for B, the only thing that works for her is A's full attention.

I'm good friends with both of the girls mums and A's mum is at her wits end with it all too. B's parents just seem to think that it is 'just B being B', and that all the girls are as bad as each other, but that really isn't the case. She can be downright horrible to DD, for instance after school today she had a play date at A's house and she said to DD 'Ha ha, I'm going to A's house and you're not, you're just going home'. She said this in front of DP and DP had a word with B about that being a pretty mean thing to say. The good thing is it's like water off a duck's back with DD and she is not upset, but I am fuming and have a good mind to have a word with B myself when I collect DD tomorrow.

Sorry, this is probably v boring, but if you are still awake WWYD?

OP posts:
misdee · 09/06/2010 19:09

no expat, she is a complete bitch

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 19:10

ExPat what are you suggesting? That I play for the child to join in the activities? Would that make me not a bitch? Don't quite get it.

OP posts:
grumpypants · 09/06/2010 19:10

No, you are wrong. On so many levels. FWIW I tell them what they can't do when they do it, then leave it. I do not attempt a long discussion of feelings as if i was some sort of childhood guru.

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 19:10

Sorry, pay not play

OP posts:
misdee · 09/06/2010 19:10

is your dd ever horrible to B?

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 19:10

jendaisy, you called her a bitch

traceybath · 09/06/2010 19:10

Jen - there's a difference between correcting another child and a 10 minute rant which reduces them to tears.

How would you feel if your DD came home and said another mother had told her off until she cried?

colditz · 09/06/2010 19:11

I allow them to behave in an age appropriate manner, gently correcting blatant cruelty.

I don't verbally eviscerate them for being five.

misdee · 09/06/2010 19:11

jen, B is 5

dd3 is 5. and thats so so young.

bruffin · 09/06/2010 19:12

We had this with DD when she was in year 3. In DD's case she was being excluded by 1 one girl from her group of 5 or 6 friends. This one girl would dictate who could or couldn't play and it was always DD who was left out. I spoke to the teacher and it did get sorted.

DD and Queen Bee did actually go on to be bf and were inseperable for a lot of year 5 and 6 and she actually was a really pleasant girl for a while. They went to different secondary school but Queen Bee has back to her old ways and DD will now have nothing to do with her ie deleted her from facebook. DD realises she doesn't need friends like that, she has plenty of really nice friends who don't need to manipulate

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 19:13

Well, jen, since you asked, you might start by backing off, let your child play with whom she wants to play with and handle minor spats like these on her own.

And then perhaps progress to getting a life that does not involve in-depth analysis of 5-year-olds or considering them a 'bitch'.

Maybe somewhere down the line, perhaps with some occupational therapy and treatment, when you post a diatribe online and about 100% of the responses are, 'Yep, YABU', you might take on board their suggestions and opinions.

MillyR · 09/06/2010 19:13

In terms of what you can and can't do, which was your original question:

You absolutely must not:

Confront B or B's mum on school property.

You should not:

Confront B elsewhere
Confront B's mum elsewhere

You could:
Tell any child playing in your house, when they say X, not to say X again. If they continue, send then home. Do not get into a discussion/debate with someone else's child about their behaviour.

Tell the school that you have concerns.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/06/2010 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 19:14

As I have pointed out she has just as many play dates with A and dd as the other two do with each other, so yes she did say why she was unhappy but it was unjustified. She basically had a bee in her bonnet that on that particular day A and DD were playing here. And she is capable of turning on the water works at the drop of a hat if it seems she is not getting her own way.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 19:15

You could also reveal your true identity so we can all cut you a very wide berth IRL.

misdee · 09/06/2010 19:18

they are 5. they are girls.
its always 'so and so didnt want me to play with them today' 'i couldnt play with x' 'i didnt want z to play with us'

just get over it. and move on

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 19:18

Because she is five, jen.

[Bangs head against wall]

Seriously, you sound like you need help. Of the professional kind.

And I'm honestly not saying that to be nasty.

But your interference and the way you perceive other children could wind up seriously damaging your child and her emotional future.

I mean, what if she gets a boyfriend later who is a bastard?

She needs to learn to find her own way with decreasing interference from you.

That is how people learn good judgement, from experiences, both good and bad.

Helicoptering is really bad for people.

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 19:20

Like I said, I told B's mum that same day exactly what had happened and what was said by everyone and she was absolutely fine with the way I had handled it, as like I've said she knows damn well what her DD can be like.

OP posts:
misdee · 09/06/2010 19:20

wehn dd gets told that B doesnt want her to play with A, tell her to play with someone else. because its not healthy that your own dd is obsessed with A and gets upset over B playing with her.

grumpypants · 09/06/2010 19:22

"As I have pointed out she has just as many play dates with A and dd as the other two do with each other, so yes she did say why she was unhappy but it was unjustified" Listen to yourself! I think you should stop trying to justify your feelings because it sort of makes it sound worse. I can get not liking a child; I can't relate to the level of analysis over what is essentially a fairly common situation. It's annoying for you that your mate's daughter isn't available exclusively to your dd but I suspect that all of them could do with making new friends. Invite X,Y,Z over to tea instead.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 19:23

I bet A's having a great time watching 2 girls and a mother fight over her

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 19:23

You need to figure out why you can't let this go, because it is truly very minor in the grand scheme of parenting and people relations.

Seriously, you do.

If your child is already showing irritation when A plays with B at the age of five it's likely to be because of YOU and the manipulation, however passive aggressive, you are doing.

You carry on like this, and don't learn how to step back and when to step back, and, again, you risk your child's emotional future.

I don't know how much plainer to express this.

Parents of many daughters have tried to express this to you, parents of now teen daughters, teachers, etc.

You are not listening.

That is concerning.

Morloth · 09/06/2010 19:24

She is 5.

This is my favourite sort of AIBU.

OP: Am I being unreasonable?
Everyone: Yep, here's why
OP: No, I'm not the 5 year old is!

jendaisy · 09/06/2010 19:24

Hmm I am actually a carer for a man with severe mental health problems so am actually quite aware of mental illness, so thanks expat, for your kindly advice but I don't think I need professional help. I don't think having a word with a 5 year old girl about being unkind to others classes me as a nutcase, but I could be wrong.

OP posts:
Acanthus · 09/06/2010 19:24

How can this five year old have "burnt her bridges" to the extent that you won't take her out any more just by some minor misbehaviour? You are ascribing adult motives to her again, here. I'd maybe decline to take out a five year old that had deliberatley wiped shit on the floor or something, not this incident you describe. This is NORMAL.

This whole situation is pushing your buttons FAR too much. Were you bullied as a child?

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