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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect good wanking etiquette?

260 replies

bashon · 05/06/2010 13:18

eg thou shan't leave thine wanky tissues anywhere else but in thine bin.

OP posts:
frakkit · 06/06/2010 10:28

I thought of this whilst watching weeds - apparently banana skins are very good!

MrsHarkness · 06/06/2010 10:31

I must admit I have not had such a laugh in a long while, thanks MNers lol!

CiderIUp · 06/06/2010 10:53

Urgh have just watched Mr Tumble from Gigglebiz putting squirty cream between two sponges and pressing it lovingly together - now there's an inappropriate image.

Oh and why has no one yet expressed horror that the wank mitt was only washed WEEKLY There's a lot to be said for disposable tissues in that department, anyway.

Mittz · 06/06/2010 11:24

Oh there are just some definite perks to being a laydee aren't there? No tissue issues

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 06/06/2010 11:25

Have been reliably informed that a kiddies armband lubricated with mayonnaise shoved between the gap between two cushions on the sofa works well. And you can increase/decrease the friction by adding removing air.

Hope no-one ever goes searching for change in his sofa cushions [boak] ...

PotPourri · 06/06/2010 11:29

yuk yuk yuk - speechless

wb · 06/06/2010 11:32

Wank-mitten - what a fantastic idea . My MiL was just saying yesterday how sad she'll be when her crop of grandchildren are too old to want hand-knitted jumpers.

Portofino · 06/06/2010 11:48

Mayonaise! OMG

PrettyVacant1 · 06/06/2010 12:05

< chokes on bacon butty >

Classic!
I have tears rolling down my cheeks and DP is looking shifty at me in pity.

Apparently most teenage boys have a wank sock.
Bluurrrgghh.

Al that's nasty.

Kaloki · 06/06/2010 12:30

Oh god!! The mayonnaise!! How did he think of that??

TiggyD · 06/06/2010 12:35

Maybe he had run out of fromage frais?

AvadaKedavra · 06/06/2010 13:25

I knew someone once (very EX!) who admitted to cutting a hole ina honeydew melon...

Also heard of McDonalds apple pies being pressed into service, hope they let them cool for a few hours though, unless you have an asbestos cock - can you have that, I know they say chefs have asboestos hands? [ponders]

NetworkGuy · 06/06/2010 13:27

"Apparently most teenage boys have a wank sock. "

Wonder which university got funding for that interesting research project. Just did a bit of searching and came across the topic somewhere else:

"Umm... put it under your pillow?"

From a Liverpool forum:
"there is a bit of me that is worried that people actually do this shit?

I fear my perception of reality may be about to take a hit almost as serious as when I discovered that half the world stands up to wipe their arse; but it must be done.

Have you ever?"

with following responses:

"when you wank into a sock, it should be your own sock, in the privacy of your own home.

And certainly not in Marks & Spencer.

The police told me that."

and another response (from a female) :

"One of my exes used to do it regularly and, too scared to put them in the wash in case his mum discovered them, would lash them out of the window onto the roof of next door's shed.

One day we were walking along the road when he suddenly stuck his hand into the pocket of his jacket, pulled something out and stuffed it into a hedge we were passing. I asked what it was and he said "It's a smeggy sock. My Mum's started asking why half my socks are on Norma's roof, so I've got to find somewhere else to get rid of them".

PrettyVacant1 · 06/06/2010 14:47

NetWorkGuy

I've heard TK Max is quite acceptable though.

Can we have a link to Liverpool Forum.

PigletJohn · 06/06/2010 17:04

i've never heard of this mitten idea,
but, just for comparative purposes, what is the correct etiquette for your daughter to pack away her vibe and its tissues? Is it equally mirthful?

Mittz · 06/06/2010 18:33

Oh heck yes...especially if you have younger children as well... best moment of parenting trying to explain away one of those

BUnderTheBonnet · 06/06/2010 19:39

My MIL found my BIL's half used pack of condoms when he was about 14. She was a bit horrified that he was sexually active at that age, but he reassured her he was only using them for "posh wanks"!

mrL1 · 06/06/2010 19:55

nah she get him a pair from tescos every little helps pmsl

ReshapeWhileDamp · 06/06/2010 20:14

This should be in Arts and Crafts really.

As for what you should knit a wank mitten in, I think either cotton for washability (but it roughens up with washing too) or bamboo/silk mix for skin-like softness. Though I dare say there's a high-end market for cashmere ones. The teenager who has everything.

I'm more interested in what sort of stitch you'd use? Stocking stitch is the obvious - utilitarian and easy - but surely garter stitch would introduce interesting ridges? Ribbing (for his pleasure)?

Oh wait, I have it. Seed Stitch.

catinboots · 06/06/2010 20:22

Slightly off the subject but DH had a schoolfriend who used a crisp packet instead of a condom when he was shagging romancing his girlfriend

AlCrowley · 06/06/2010 20:23

I can't believe that people are still grossed out over the pint glass full of warm liver after the childs armband/mayo/sofa option!

Rockbird · 06/06/2010 20:46

Did he wear the wank mitten or put it on his hand afterwards to mop up??

ReshapeWhileDamp · 06/06/2010 21:20

I'm just at the implications of getting a horrible mixture of mayo and spunk out of the sofa. Do Stain Devils do that particular combination?

lifeissweet · 06/06/2010 22:24

Rockbird, I never asked. Knowing about it's existence was more information than I needed. I certainly didn't want any mental pictures of him actually using the thing.

Dinkytinky · 06/06/2010 23:53

Ohhhhh MNetters!! I've just half choked to death on my posh crisps whilst trying not to snort and giggle!!!
Mitten??????

I like how she obviously thought ' well a sock won't do because he needs opposable thumbs for this one'!!!!!

I have only ever found one single crusty White sports sock stuffed down the side of the sofa, and I couldn't work out forthe life of me how it was stiff as a board....until I remarked on the mystery sock to dp and he went completely beetroot! Ha!

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