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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
MaisietheMorningsideCat · 01/05/2010 13:20

Do you think that only an expensive ring can be a symbol of your relationship?

ZacharyQuack · 01/05/2010 13:20

I think that "guideline" is an advertising slogan for the diamond industry.

Who might have an ulterior motive.

ChildOfThe70s · 01/05/2010 13:20

YABU to EXPECT it, but YANBU to hope for it!

2shoes · 01/05/2010 13:21

yabu
why does it matter, mine didn't cost much, but 21 years later I still wear it.....

tigerbear · 01/05/2010 13:22

Oh dear. I would prepare for a flaming from a few people on here. I do see what you're getting at though - when DH and I got engaged I did want something quite flashy too.

mumblechum · 01/05/2010 13:23

I never got an engagement ring as we got married 4 days after he proposed

Am hoping to get a large rock for our 20th anniversary next year.

Does it really mean that much to you? Does he have a spare months wage without getting into debt?

mayorquimby · 01/05/2010 13:24

I wonder who has an interest in a) pressuring men into spending lots of cash on a ring b) making women think that the more expensive the ring the more he loves you

Oilersgirl · 01/05/2010 13:24

YANBU!! You should have an engagement ring that is worth a lifetimes commitment if you can afford it.

PrivetDancer · 01/05/2010 13:25

Well I don't think yabu if he can afford it.
You will doubtless get lots of condescending comments from people who used onion rings but are still together and really love each other And surely that's all that matters etc etc though..

Is he trying to be really stingy or just trying to manage your expectations? I told my dh it was 3 months salary to manage his.. He was pleasantly surprised when it wasn't that expensive

AitchTwoZone · 01/05/2010 13:25

the guideline was dreamt up by the diamond sellers, silly.

my engagement ring wasn't expensive, i kinda felt selfish having it at all, after all it's just a bauble for the woman, isn't it and the poor guy gets nothing.

diddl · 01/05/2010 13:26

I feel the "guideline" is from the jewellers?

I think what matters is that you love it & wear it.

My MIL doesn´t have one & ILs were -it´s "not done" in their family!

SloanyPony · 01/05/2010 13:26

Depends if you also want a big wedding. But if your DP is not adverse to making the occasional major purchase, within reasonably sensible bounds longer term (i.e not too many at once etc) then I dont see why you shouldn't expect a reasonable outlay.

I dont know quite what that is to you though - I assume you are talking sort of a grand or two rather than 6k...if so you are not being unreasonable to feel slightly miffed if he's flicking the Argos catalogue for a Lizzy Duke or scanning QVC for a bit of Diamonique...

Itsjustafleshwound · 01/05/2010 13:26

I think the thing to consider is what sort of jewellery you wear and what sort of life you lead rather than a price tag.

Surely, something that fits into your lifestyle (I am a SAHM and I am usually elbow deep in washing up and nappies) and a big ring would be more of a bind insurance wise and lifestyle wise, even though a big rock does look good ...

Choose a ring you like and can afford - perhaps buy a better quality diamond rather than size??

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/05/2010 13:27

If you need an expensive ring as a symbol of your relationship its time to start worrying.

Marriage is about making the ultimate commitment to each other, not about how much the ring costs. What a shallow attitude.

AitchTwoZone · 01/05/2010 13:27

tbh as a bloke i'd be more worried if my fiancee thought that me not splurging loads on a ring meant that i didn't love her.

are you concerned that the relationship is on shaky ground, op?

mumdrivenmad · 01/05/2010 13:28

I think you need to read "Why Men Want Sex And Women Need Love" by Barbara and Allen Pease. It is a very interesting read.

trice · 01/05/2010 13:28

dh borrowed a selection of hideous eighties rings from his mother (who likes her rocks and is regularly dripping with diamonds) and asked me which one I would like as my engagement ring. They were definately cast offs rather than heirlooms. I gently declined.

We have a joint bank account so he suggested I go and buy myself one that I liked. I still haven't seen one that I fancy and we have been married fifteen years.

TheFallenMadonna · 01/05/2010 13:28

I think you need to go out together to find a ring you like, rather than fix on the "one month's salary" thing. You might find one for the price of a drum kit for example.

Gay40 · 01/05/2010 13:29

Pathetic.

Kaloki · 01/05/2010 13:29

YABU

Surely the relationship matters more than the ring? Mine cost all of £25, but may as well have cost all the money in the world, it's the meaning behind it which has the value. If he'd given me a ring from a christmas cracker I'd have been happy.

louloulouise · 01/05/2010 13:30

We only spent a small amount on my engagement ring, we were living together with 1 child by that point and had joint finances so it was a case of what we could afford as a family at the time.

I still love it and wear it even though it cost nowhere near as much as 1 month of DH's salary (less than a fifth in fact). Surely you want something beautiful which you will wear forever, so what if that happens to cost less than the 'standard'?!

eatyourveg · 01/05/2010 13:31

do you really want one that much? Wouldn't you rather spend the equivalent on the wedding?

Don't you already know how much you are loved? Or is it really for everyone else to see how much you are loved.

Got very strange views on this and any sort of jewellery I know. I never had an engagement ring surprise surprise so maybe I'm subconsciously jealous. My wedding ring is a 19.99 job. Looks exactly like everyone else's. gold band. No-one would know the difference.

ds1 (16)however says that for a man it is important as it is a sign of how much you love someone.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2010 13:31

Why on Earth would anyone want to borrow a bunch of money on a blood diamond?

Booboobedoo · 01/05/2010 13:32

Too many 'shoulds' and 'expects'.

If you and your DP together decide it's important, and you both agree, then fine.

To be naffed off with him because he doesn't automatically assume it's important is childish and petulant.

I have learned this the hard way, but it was worth learning - for the sake of a happy marriage.

Cogitoergosum · 01/05/2010 13:34

I got my engagement ring one week before we got married. I designed it myself so it was hardly a surprise, and it wasn't hugely expensive at all. I'm fairly sure that my dh loved me quite a lot and cost wasn't an issue, I was far more interested in having a ring that I would want to wear for the rest of my life.

You say we live in a materialistic world. You might, I don't.