to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

[hotCheeseBURNS]

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

"should be appropriate compared with disposable income and the amount we spend on other things we enjoy."

But what is your fiance getting out of it? Is it something he will enjoy? And I still want to know what you are getting for him to mark the occasion.

Gosh, some of the comments on this thread leave a nasty taste in the mouth!

I'm amazed so many people know how much their engagement ring cost; I don't as OH chose mine for me and being proposed to was a complete surprise. I don't give a sh*t what the ring cost, nor what the quality of the diamond might be. I sincerely hope it didn't cost too much as we were quite skint at the time, as we are now.

I'm not sure about this suggestion that a man 'should' spend a lot on a ring if he is a high earner and spends money on himself. It is his money, he earned it. Certainly I would imagine it would be more likely that such a man would spend lots on a ring, but for a woman to expect it is a bit much.

If OH had been a high earner when we got engaged, I certainly wouldn't have 'expected' a very expensive ring, just as I would not have expected him to pay for meals out or holidays purely on the basis that he had lots of money. We were both independent at the time, our finances were our own as we didn't live together or have children together.

Finally, (bitchy moment approaching) some of the posts on this thread provide evidence that having a lot of money and expensive tastes cannot buy sound spelling and punctuation skills.

I think the OP has explained herself fully. I really don't see why the some people are posting basically the same point over and over and over.

Yes, some of you disagree and that's your right and if you've expressed it eloquently - bravo! But a lot of this 21 pages is pointless point-scoring and irrelevant bitching. Not nice.

[schock] at the bitchyness about something as trivial as a ring. Who the fuck cares how much a ring costs and how big is it!

FWIW I have a ring which would make many of you call me a trashy, tasteless chav - it is over 3 carats, center stone alone. It is not tasteless - it is elegant, simple and beautiful. And no, it is not crap quality - it is almost flawless. I wear no other jewellery, and never cared much for baubles. I love it because of the proposal I received with it and the marriage it symbolises. Sorry to tell you that I do have a very happy marriage and am 10 years into it without any thought of ending it.

Did I expect a huge rock - not really. However, DH could well afford the price tag (which wasn't an issue). At the time, he was eyeing a particular watch which cost the same as my ring. When he decided to propose, he simply decided to spend the money he was going to spend on the watch on my ring as us being together meant more than buying that watch. I knew this, and the fact that he would forego buying something he had been eyeing for several years did mean something to me - not the size of the ring.

I didn't feel like I was being bought - it was just a material gesture to show how seriously he was committed to our relationship.

Going back to the OP, if the size/cost of the ring is something you and your future husband can't agree on, perhaps this isn't the relationship for you. I know a woman who received a beautiful 1 carat ring from her finace. She was not happy with the size of the ring but accepted the proposal anyways. Well, surprise, surprise, the relationship did not last as her values and his did were not compatible.

most puerile to rock up and say
bitching point scoring
sweeping away other pov when when you no likey responses.the discursive bit of aibu - the op asked for opinions,she got opinions.rocking up and saying y'all mean is still still having an opinion.so dont take the moral higher ground.and on mn people can get animated about anything they want to.even bling rings,thats the beauty of it

Ok, wading through your post I think you are saying I have swept away other people's opinions? Er, no I haven't - please feel free to re-read my comments.

YANBU I've been married 24 years and never had an engagement ring as I hated the symbolism ("I am taken"). I've always kind of regretted it....

But if a ring is important to you both, get the best you can afford. It is lovely to keep beautiful things and hand them on to the next generation.

The nicest and most meaningful gift I ever received from my OH was a Lonely Planet guide to Brazil.

We had been together for a few years and had begun to talk about moving in together. Then I had a bit of a personal crisis of some sort and decided I wanted to see the world. I had a dream of going to Brazil to teach English.

That Christmas, OH gave me the book. I knew what he really wanted was to move in with me and settle down but instead of trying to keep me close, he showed his love by giving me his blessing to sod off and leave him for a year.

Previously, I had been with a horribly controlling man who didn't want me to go to University or have my own friends. With OH, I was amazed that someone loved me so much they only genuinely wanted me to be happy, even at their own expense.*

Always makes we well up when I remember that gift. I didn't go to Brazil in the end....think I realised I was with a wonderful man and I didn't want to be thousands of miles away from him if I didn't have to.

Off-topic, I suppose, but I think it demonstrates that the best gifts needn't be expensive.

*Of course, the alternative explanation is that he he was trying to get rid of me

Olifin - that's a very sweet story!

Well my dp proposed to me on valentines day last year which was a complete surprise. He bought the ring (had got my dd to get a ring out of my jewellery box to get the size right). The ring he bought me was not expensive but is priceless to me cos he went to all the trouble of finding my size, going shopping (which he hates with a passion)and spent ages looking for a ring he thought would go with my other jewellery and that means the world to me. He proposed in a beautiful way and so to me the cost of the ring is irrelevent, its the meaning behind it thats important. I love my ring cos it was given to me with lots of thought and love.

what a heart-warming tale

PS: I only know wwhat mine is worth because DH put it on the house insurance as a stand alone item and I opened the policy docs. I haven't told him I know, and didn't really want to know myself to be honest. Makes me a bit concious of losing it/getting it stolen.

scottishmummy - I was hardly pointscoring, just respong to the multitude of posts blasting larger stoned rings as "vulgar", "tacky", "chavish". I think I am entitled to express an opintion!

Talk about bitching - read your own posts! I certainly was not "bitching" - only your interpretation of it.

"sweeping away other points of view" - isn't that what you do? I certainly was not doing so - read my post again. Pot. Kettle. Black!

Did you not see the posts saying solitaires scream price, under 4 figures and its not worth having blah blah...or take offence because YOU have a big rock therefore it must be an attack on you..FWIW the slanging match ultimatley started when others started saying crap like what some people have isnt worth having. I think some people just see what they want and run with it personally.

I go for the symbolism of being taken and got a nice engagement ring that I never take off (together with my matching wedding band).

I enjoy feeling like a wifey-poo, considering my dh is younger than me and I was (then) earning a few times his salary when we got married.

huh. DH didn't buy me an engagement ring. He took me on a month-long trip through Australia and proposed at the top of the Sydney bridge on Christmas Eve. It was his first vacation in four years and it meant a lot that he wanted to spend it all with me.

TBH, I prefer it that way as I see engagement rings as a waste (of money, metal, and buying-in-to-diamond-marketers) because you have a wedding ring once you've done the deed anyway, but YMMV.

Just be aware that diamonds are NOT rare, they are NOT scarce, and so the large amounts paid for them amount to money for a marketing ploy(greenlifestylemagazine.net/issue-4/diamond-trade.php). If you're cool with that, knock yourself out.

Rings don't HAVE to be expensive to be good, and I would say that if you're looking for something you can give your grandkids, the dollar amount spent is a bad indicator of what you will get.

When we got married, we had our rings designed for us for considerably less than a division of our salary. His has a black, industrial diamond from Brazil (suits his personality) and mine has an uncut diamond from California (a present collected by a geo-fanatic uncle). His ring actually cost more than mine as it has more metal in it, even though mine is fancier and had to be specially auto-CADed to properly house the stone.

Also, be warned that diamonds aren't as indestructable as they are made out to be. I learned after being in a bad car accident from talking to a jeweler that they frequently crack if hit on just the right spot (as mine did). FYI. So even if you spend lots, you still might not have it to give your kids.

DD was 18 when she became engaged.

Their engagement ring was one given to her by my DM on her 18th birthday.

The ring belonged to my great grandmother.

When they took the ring to the jewellers with the intention of having it remodelled the jeweller suggested he resize and clean it and then if they still wanted it remodelled he would take the price of the resizing and cleaning off the cost.

The ring came up beautifully and there was no question of it being remodelled.

DD is now 25 and her DH gave her a beautiful eternity ring for her 25th birthday but great grandmother's ring will always e on her engagement finger.

O dear, I think you sound a bit tragic with your cars and your diamonds and your TK Maxx.
Weird priorities. Very very weird. I can't relate to them at all but if that is your world, and your DPs world, maybe YANBU. If that is what floats your stuff filled boat, then I suppose it is not surprising you expect it.

Also - you know people die while they're trying to find them?! Even Lily Allen knows that.

Well I know how much my ring cost because DH and I lived together for several years before he proposed and we share all of our money, so not really something he could keep a secret .

Well that's understandable emsyj. I tend to forget that lots of people are already living together and sharing finances before they get engaged.

"when others started saying crap like what some people have isnt worth having."

[sigh] RedRedWine - still not getting it are you?! No-one said such a thing. You got defensive it and read into it as you wanted to.

TBH you lost yourself the moral high ground when you dragged up another thread as a personal attack.

[have no idea why I've got involoved again]

I wasn't bothered about size/cost of an engagement ring - I just wanted me and DH to be married as I love him to pieces. My ring is small and didn't cost lots (I know because he left a card with the price in the box doh!) but it was all the savings he had. I love it. It was only when I told friends and they saw it and some actually grimaced and one actually said 'Hmm it's very small - I'd want one much bigger' that I felt upset by it. Also my SIL (who was very annoyed we got engaged before her) insited to her DF on a massive rock and took a lot of delight in flaunting it in front of me and my DH (which was insulting for him as he's her brother and she knows he doesn't have much money) It was other people who made me feel like it 'wasn't good enough'.

18 months on and we are married and I'm pg with DC#1 and frankly I couldn't care less how big or small the ring is - it doesn't mean someone loves you more or less than anyone else.

If you want a big ring and think that it's important then YANBU. If you want it because you think it will mean more than a small one, then YABU.

Thanks for the lovely stories Olifin, FeelingOld, marenmj, Coralanne, piesey etc... Thanks for your messages too emsyj. Thanks to everyone who's posted without being bitchy!

I didn't even know DH was going to propose until te moment he did. He'd asked my dad's permission and gone out and chosen the ring himself. I've no idea how much it cost and I won't ask. It could have been £4 or £4000.

You can live in hope