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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
Spatchadoodledo · 01/05/2010 15:26

Wihtout getting into the argument, and in answer to the OP... I will quote MmeLindt who I think said it best...

----------

The value of the ring is immaterial.

It is also nothing to do with how much love, respect and affection the couple have for one another.

It should suit one's personal taste and financial situation.

--------

traceybath · 01/05/2010 15:27

Red - its not about you or your ring.

I'm sure your ring is lovely

mumblechum · 01/05/2010 15:27

Am I the only one who thinks diamonds are a bit boring? I don't know what I'd like but something with a bit of colour I think....

expatinscotland · 01/05/2010 15:27

'I think im starting to have a shit day now as my beloved ring in the words of PP and BK is not worth wearing. Nice.'

I'm wearing a 9ct slender band from Cash Converters at the top of Leith Walk that cost £9.

Can't wear the 18ct one I was married with because having children altered my ring size and really can't afford to have it re-sized.

Even if I won the Lotto tonight, though, I wouldn't buy a big new diamond for my own personal reasons.

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 15:27

'how dare you have a view that differs to mine and back it up' type way?

No in a why the fuck would you bring up another, personal thread about a probelm in my relationship on another, completley un related thread?

'my beloved ring in the words of PP and BK is not worth wearing'

Grow. Up.

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 15:27

So if you can afford an expensive ring but your OH doesnt get you one it means his love for you is less? Is that what people think?

diddl · 01/05/2010 15:28

RedRedWine-do you still love it though?

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 15:29

Because BK it just goes to show a man who will willingly spend a fortune on his finacee doesnt not = good honest man.

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 15:29

No. But is nice that he would share the same generosity that he shows himself, with the person he loves, if it would make them happy.

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 15:30

Yes I love it I chose it, I tried on so many and this one was one of the only ones that didnt look like a chav ring on my tiny finger.

traceybath · 01/05/2010 15:32

Red - thats all that matters that you love your ring.

Other peoples rings are their choices and do not impact on you do they?

JaneS · 01/05/2010 15:33

Posie - ouch. Know how you feel - hormones just seem to turn me into Dr Hyde. Any mileage in going to the doctor though? It sounds as if it's really dragging you down.

mumble - Yay, someone else who doesn't like diamonds! I don't get it either. I'm ok with the little sparkly ones if they're setting off something colourful, but don't really see the appeal of the big 'sparkly glass' ones. What do you have/want instead? I love dark blue sapphires, would have one of those if I could afford it - and garnets are beautiful and soooo easy to pick up in old jewellery shops.

rubyrubyruby · 01/05/2010 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 15:33

TBH RedRedWine you know fuck all about my man, or our relationship bar one tiny window that you had on another thread, so be a love and give it up.

And no a man who would spend alot doesn't necessarily = good honest man. Neither does a man who doesn't spend alot necessarily = a good honest man.

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 15:34

It makes me feel very sad that people turn their nose up at things that cost less than a certain amount. Its no way to assess love and worth.

MamaLazarou · 01/05/2010 15:34

YABU. It's nice to have a pretty, expensive piece of jewellery, but to expect it seems a bit cold and mercenary. It should be a spontaneous gesture, and the cost shouldn't matter one jot.

(I never had an engagement ring, btw. I'm sure it doesn't mean my DH doesn't love me enough!)

rubyrubyruby · 01/05/2010 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneS · 01/05/2010 15:42

Red, I agree it's no way to assess love and worth. I think rings should be exchanged, too, really don't like the message otherwise. But as far as I can see, the OP hasn't been back, and it could be simply that she and her partner are struggling to work out how to buy a ring, so we shouldn't be too quick to judge.

JaneS · 01/05/2010 15:43

ruby - that is really sweet. Is it a ruby?

Oilersgirl · 01/05/2010 15:45

You are planning to spend the rest of your life with this person, stand next to them through thick and thin, bear their children, put up with in-laws, etc. You should get a decent ring as a symbol of that everlasting commitment if you can afford it. Why should a DP be able to spend lots of money on hobbies, golf clubs, sports cars, etc, but not spend a similar amount on a lifelong symbol of commitment to the person they love. It is not shallow, it is realistic. If your DP does not value this commitment and relationship in the same way they do their hobbies then you have a right to be upset.

It is true if you want a decent certified diamond you can't get one for less than 4 figures.

posieparker · 01/05/2010 15:46

RedREdwine....I have short fingers and nails that aren't worth painting, a small stone looks stupid on my hand, not worth wearing. I love a bit of sparkle, but much of my life is smoke and mirrors (oh woe is me). If you love your ring and it cost 20p then it's okay. My sister kept the ring pull her dh gave to her, it holds more value to her than my original engagement ring means to me. She also has little hands and so only has a wedding ring which was her engagement ring also...

MmeLindt · 01/05/2010 15:48

redredwine
Aren't you a bit of an inverse snob?

No one has said that they (or their DHs) went into debt to buy a ring.

No one has equated the carat size of the ring with the man buying it being decent.

If they can afford it, why should they not buy a big ring.

And just because BK posted about her marriage in an attempt to sort out her feelings, does not give you the right to drag it all up again on a completely unrelated thread.

When DH bought me my first ring, the ring that was within our budget, and suited our lifestyle was a 0.3ct diamond.

This year we bought a 1ct diamond because we could afford to and because it better suits my lifestyle now. (not showing off and not stating prices)

He is not 3x more or less a decent man because my ring increased in value.

rubyrubyruby · 01/05/2010 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaloki · 01/05/2010 15:51

The other thing I think about insisting on having an expensive ring.. what is the point. Surely the only reason you care about the cost of something is if either the cost is directly proportionate to the quality (even then though you go for a bargain, rather than what is more expensive surely?), or if you are planning on selling it on.

To me that makes it sound as if you have no intention of wearing it all your life.

JaneS · 01/05/2010 15:53

Ah, nice, ruby.

I was always disappointed that rubies weren't the darker red I somehow 'expected' them to be - much more like garnet colour I guess.

But then, I am a fully paid-up inverse snob.

I bought DP's and my engagement rings as I had the money at the time - I am quite sad I didn't pay more as they are silver and he wears his all the time, so it will wear away eventually. He also has a much fancier wedding band than me - his choice, and mine. I wouldn't care if mine were cardboard tba.

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